Moved to corazondelfuego.blogspot.com

My Heart Pounds in My Head at the Sound of Your Name

Or that may just be the fact that yesterday I finally got my bodhran DVD, and spent about a half hour playing it this morning.

No, there definitely is the heart pounding going on too...I'm absolutely and completely bonkers over a particular someone. We ended up going to the movies on Tuesday night (Thank goodness, had no class), and we saw Planet 51. That's one of the things I really like about him...he's a kid at heart too. One of his favorite movies is Beauty and the Beast---and one of mine is Pocahontas (have...and regularly sing along to the soundtrack).

Afterwards, we talked for HOURS about Marian theology, world history, etc. It's shocking to have someone so easy to talk to. Being around him makes me so happy, it's hard to stand it.

I kind of wish our conversations could be a little more personal and a little less academic, but that will come.

Whenever I get to this point, I feel reinvigorated, like I know I can wait for him, because I have faith that he'll see me having done this, gone through suffering the long periods without him, and committed to him without reciprocation and doing it only with the hope of someday having it, and realize that I'm someone worth getting to know.

My confidence grows as I realize that I'm getting my wheels spinning--my new job is going come December 1 to pay me enough to live on my own, and I'm going to move out sometime in December or January.

The one thing that's not going is the fact that I am behind on my history paper, a rough draft due Tuesday, and I have no way of writing 12-15 pages on it. Shit. I should go do that.

So I spoke too soon. Last night he asked what I was doing today and wondered if I wanted to go to a movie with him. I said yes and he said he'd get back to me later. That hasn't happened, so I guess he changed his mind.

God particularly likes torturing me.

Tonight's one of those tough nights where I'm really feeling self-pitying. I guess I'll just work on history.

OMG. I just got asked to go to a movie by someone super special. I have butterflies :D

Paucitous Writing: Good Reasons

Busy, busy, busy is the motto of my life right now.

I did finish and turn in my historiographical essay, and after I post this, I'll read more of my book on which I'm presenting (thank God, it's only half that I REALLY have to worry about). I'm going to try to reach page 83 tonight (on 60 right now), and tomorrow I'll get through to about page 120 if possible. I have my lunch hour where I'll do some reading, so that should help.

So, yeah, I have three more days (next two Mondays and this Wednesday) at the prison, and then it's the end of that job and on to full time at the Peds clinic. I kind of wish I made more than 12.20 an hour, but compared to 9 an hour and having to leave more than 15 minutes earlier, I'll take it. I save a TON on gas.

I've had two glasses of white zin tonight. I seriously need to stop drinking that stuff, because it tastes so good that I keep drinking it.

Okay, so I finished the first season of Rome (SOOO GOOD.), and a lot of sewing. My goal is by the end of the second season to have adequately sewn enough on my dolphins to have the top right quadrant done.

Of course, this weekend=research on virgin cults and Mariology in late antique Rome. That and a flu clinic.

By the way, we FINALLY got our shipment of vaccine in, so we're calling parents, setting up clinics, which means extra hours at work for me (YAY!). I also get paid in about two hours (YAY), and I don't have to put a damned penny towards my credit card.


I'm too spastic with this much wine in me. I'm getting off of this computer!

What To Do?

It's 9:30, and I've almost exhausted the amount of things that I can do (key=almost). I finished a draft of my historiographical essay today, and will edit several times tomorrow. Probably one or two whilst at work for the prisons--I have to give them my 2 weeks notice tomorrow too.

I've already read 40 pages out of 200 on my next book for class (due in almost 3 weeks). I'm going to finish it this week and put together my notes for my discussion leadership. After that, I can focus solely on my virgin paper.

Money is irritating. I'm exhausting my savings account to pay off my credit card. I'm supposed to be paid 108 that I've never seen from UCCS, and then this Friday I get paid about $530 from work. Still, that means my savings will only have about $750 in it. Ugh. At least next Friday I get about $153, and then another $500 the week after that. Once I start full time, my pay will be around $900 every two weeks...maybe slightly less than that.

It's hard to believe 2009 is coming to an end.

Ugh, I am so busy on one hand, but so not busy on another. It's frustrating and impossible to describe.

I think I'll watch another episode of Rome before trying to clean my room some and then go to bed.

Life Progress

Finally, things are feeling like they're turning around.

Let's go through the things that I've gone through in the last few days:

1) I just got offered full time at my pediatrics job, which means I'll get at least 40 hours a week, with the opportunity for more with Saturdays 8-12 and flu clinics as our supplies start coming in. Come 2010 (as that's when I'm going to elect into the benefits system), I'll have health care, dental, and vision insurance. Plus, on top of that, I'll be making at least 12.20 an hour. No bitching here.

2) I FINISHED reading my book for class 4 days early, which means the next three can be dedicated towards finishing my historiographical essay. Only two more books to read for class this semester, including my all-time favorite historian and inventor of late antiquity, Peter Brown.

3) I had an awesome time with Thom last weekend, and I sent him flowers that he liked. It's a long, involved story, so I might share that for another night.

4) I got Rome the HBO series in at the library (LOVE IT).

5) My credit card balance as of Monday will be $0.

6) In general, goodwill and glee is to be found. Yay!

Trudging

That's how progress is on my recent Roman history book, which I am desperately trying to finish as early as I can, since I have the 24th for discussion. I'm on 251 out of 516, which is more than I anticipated reaching this week. Good things that help: I have Wednesday and Friday morning off, so that's eight hours of reading. Things that don't help: 4 hours of work on Saturday and the internet.

That's all I can really say right now.

Que Sera, Sera

Stupid blogger accents...grr.

Anyways, that is the attitude I'm taking right now with all of that. Last night was great, despite the fact that Paranormal Activity scared me so much that I got 0 hours of sleep last night...it was much better to share that scariness with someone than no one, for sure. It was good to just hang out without worrying about anything (which I conscientiously decided before going over).

I was a little sad at the end, but I feel okay in general.

Okay, so I'll be honest, when he opened the door, my heart skipped a beat. When I saw him, I still felt the same things--that he's the most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on, both inside and out. I was googly. It was a little tough going to dinner because my food wasn't that good (I DO NOT RECOMMEND FRIED SALMON) and Red Robin is really loud in general. Although we both agreed one of the servers (totally straight, unfortunately) had a really nice ass.

I love how I irritate him by paying for everything. I do it intentionally, because at some point, I'll irritate him so much that he feels obligated to ask me out (saving me the burden of worrying about it) instead of the other way around.

My bowling was improved, as I got 86, 110, 86, and 117 in my four games.

My Roman history is okay--giant soap opera really. I'm turning in two reviews this week, which will end my review demand. I still have two essays to write in basically two weeks, but that's doable. I also have to prep my classroom discussion. I'm going to postpone applying for winter jobs until I finish all of that.

I'm not looking forward to working tomorrow (ugh) at either job really. I hate driving all the way down to the world arena and back...and what I really hate is trying to find things to do over 4 hours. I mean, it's pretty easy to occupy myself entering data for about 2 hours, but after that it's a crapshoot. They want me to read about different treatment programs, but it doesn't mean much to me.

I need a three day weekend soon...won't happen for a while, desafortunamente.

I have a gay online chat open because I like to read the drama and it's big tonight. Holy cow. All out cat fight on tonight, people.

I'm really spastic.

And I need to go back to reading about Rome.

So...I've Given Up

Yeah, I know I'm only 22, but I've given up hope that another man is going to see me for something other than a slab of meat to be used as he wants. One of the things that sucks about 22 is that I'm looked at as immature, solely interested in sex, and filled with drama. I'm sick of it. Then, as soon as age starts to show on me, no one will really look at me.

So I figure it's time now to just accept the fact that I'm going to be single my whole life and that instead of wondering, I'm just going to work hard, like I've always done, and occupy myself as best I can in other ways. This doesn't mean that my feelings towards Thom are diminished at all, but I realize that neither he nor anyone else will seriously look at me. Case in point-the last three guys I was chatting with online I bored. And these weren't guys looking for a hook-up either.

Eh, it's okay I guess. It means I'll be spending less money, I suppose. Dinner for one is a WHOLE lot cheaper than dinner for two.

Besides, with my realization that I am indeed totally undesirable, I can get back to working on my foreign languages, reading my books, and figuring out how to stress myself out. I'm starting the search for a third job on weekends and Friday mornings.

If I occupy myself enough, I won't have time to think about any of this.

In good news, my savings account has just crossed $1000 for the first time in AGES. My credit card is down to about $650, but will probably go up again because I'm going bowling tonight (alone, alas), and then tomorrow I'll be paying for dinner with Thom. Yes, I know. I'm already prepping myself not to get my hopes up at all, despite the fact that I know the moment I see him my heart will leap, and I'll get that googly look in my eyes when we're looking at each other and I see something different in him than he does in me. I already know what's going to happen with everything. I'm going to have to pretend I'm okay with being just friends, when deep down it tears me apart, and I don't want it to show because he'll feel weird or bad or whatever. I'll avoid being serious at all costs--even if it means being eaten alive for it.

I'm going to play a game of Dice Wars and then go to bowl.

Regret?

I'm kind of wondering if I regret these last six months and the choices that I've made in them. I didn't have so much pain then, because it was easy to suppress. I worked a ton of hours and I went to school a ton more, so it was okay to focus on work ALL the time.

Now, my life lacks structure. I have one class a week (that'll change soon), and work doesn't really demand much out of me. I'm working in my spare time on my history work, but it's hard to motivate myself right now. At least when I suppressed who I was, I could use my utter fear to propel me to work harder.

I honestly miss working myself so hard that at the end of the day I was too exhausted to do anything else. I miss getting up at 5 AM and going to bed at 12, not because of any special reason, but because I had to be up early to get to work and late to study. Now, I feel that that has slipped quite a bit.

I wish I could take lessons or something to keep me busy. PPCC has guitar Monday and Wednesday night...that would be nice...

Maybe I should.

Wondering What's Wrong

Someone asked me today if I was depressed, because I never really show any element of happiness. I was kind of put off by that. I mean, when I see a funny joke, I laugh, right?

I'm drained, I'll admit. Every morning when I wake up, I feel like jello, and it takes a good thirty minutes for my body to start waking up. Scary thing is that this week has not been one of my weeks where I don't sleep.

On top of that, I have almost no energy at night--perhaps because I spend it all during the day at work, because it's so hectic that I'm always moving at both jobs. Even though I really don't do anything at DOC, I'm still going from room to room. (Speaking of which, I am NOT looking forward to 4 hours there tomorrow...)

I had another (BORING) training session at work this morning, and now I'm trained to sort of do check-out, which is nice because if I'm assigned check-out, I don't have to deal directly with people coming in so much.

But like tonight, I came home, got some stuff and went to Starbucks, but I am just so lethargic in general that I don't feel like asking friends to do anything with me. I just kind of want to sink into a puddle.

Maybe I am depressed. Over the last few years, almost all of my friends have moved, which is difficult. To some degree, it's devastating, because I just don't have anyone who is able to meet with me. And I'm so tired all the time now, I really don't have the energy to put out the effort to go out. I'd rather read (if I can focus long enough to) or work on my masters degree. The only people in town I really do much with are Thom and Stacie...and neither of those has worked out well for various reasons.

I know I'm not hypothyrodic, because I haven't gained any weight, and that's a major symptom. Plus, I don't have the overwhelming tiredness.

I sent cards to Grant and Thom. I'll hear from Grant, because while he's in rehab, he's going to want someone to talk to. Thom won't even acknowledge me.

We're supposed to go to dinner this weekend, but I dunno. I hate this whole get revved up to see him only to be let down by the fact that I might hear from him once every two weeks and see him once a month thing.

I'm tired of everything. I wish I could have a fresh start someplace new...

The Second Class Citizen

We're going to lose Maine. I'm writing this at 1030 at night, watching the results come in, and it looks bad. We're going to go down by the same margin of 52-48 that went down in California. And this time, how do we explain it?

I am a second class citizen. I do not deserve equal rights in the eyes of my government, and Maine was supposed to change things, for some reason. Here is a relatively independent minded people who could have been the first people to assume that just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I deserve lesser rights.

I wanted this to be a different result, because I wanted us to gain a state by popular assent, not by the force of the judiciary or of the legislature. All the mechanisms by which I have to ask for rights that should be mine without the request are slow. Sure, five states will be a HELL of a lot better than the one we had at the beginning of the year. But we lost California a year ago, and now we're losing Maine. This isn't Mississippi or Alabama, states where people by and large are bigoted. This is Maine.

I think this result is going to set us back by 5 years, at the least.

And where do we turn now? Sure, DC will legalize by the end of the year. New York has a bill that will die because of the inadequacies of their senate. No other states have serious legislative agendas planned on the issue, and no court is going to act on our behalf at this point--mainly because no courts are hearing the issue. The only hope we have for a change is if the US Supreme Court accepts Massachusetts v. USA on DOMA and has DOMA overturned. Then, there's no point in maintaining constitutional amendments banning same sex marriage, because it can only ban those performed in the state, and with DOMA suspended, it means that I can go get married in Massachusetts or Iowa or wherever, and Colorado MUST accept my marriage as valid.

Right now, I really don't like the Catholic Church.

Tediosity=Life

I don't like being a 'grown-up' that much. I don't like how working 8 hours+ a day drains me--although it's not so bad when my work place can coordinate when it wants me to come in for training. That mishap cost me about 2 hours of work at the prison system today, which was frustrating...not that I would have done much anyways.

Tomorrow promises to be a LONG day--3 hours of training in the morning, 4 hours of work, and three hours of class. In the midst of that, I need to edit my research proposal and start my editing process on one of my reviews.

Halloween was kinda cool. I went to Goodwill with Julie and bought a rad outfit, assembled by my own hand. I'll post pics on facebook soon. We had a decently good time at Cowboys. It was slightly frustrating because the staff went shirtless...had to divert my eyes too many times ;-). Especially the one that didn't have a painted on shirt--wow. If I had a body like that, I'd have lines going out my door. Kinda weird face though. Faces matter. I don't need to change faces, because that's probably the hottest part of me.

I am going to be going to Cowboys' dance lessons at the end of the month--East and West coast swing. Anyone interested in coming with is more than welcome. By the way, Erin, once you turn 21, we need to go. They do card check at the door, so you're sort of off limits at certain times of the day.

I need to write Grant a letter in rehab. He needs as much support as possible, and to get a letter of encouragement should help. I'll do that after getting off of this.

I need to REALLY crack down on history. A month and two weeks to go to end of semester. GAH!

My Oh So Boring Life

So this week was not very exciting, in many respects. I started my new job at the Dept. of Corrections, and it looks like something that, frankly, I'm not going to enjoy that much. All I've done is a bunch of training thus far on privacy and stuff, which I don't need. I've learned how to enter a couple of forms into the database system, but that's about it so far.

It's problematic because all the UCCS students are psych people, and the work they do means something to them, and to me, this is all meaningless. I don't care about compiling statistics AT ALL. Plus, it is kind of irritating to have a bachelor's degree and only get paid $9 an hour. Last Thursday, I felt kind of lost about what to do with my time, because I entered all of my data by 9:30, and so from then until noon, I think I cleaned, I read some stuff about the treatment programs, and got the mail.

My other job has been causing me some emotional stress because of the overwhelming amount of panic about these flus. I mean, in a 4 hours shift, I probably answer about 30 calls, and of those 30, maybe 10-15 are about flu. I really want to tell these mothers that it actually would be a good thing in the long run for their kids to get the flu because first of all, flu normally does not damage children too much and second because we're so worried about not getting sick that the buggers are building up their forces to launch an onslaught against us. It gets worse that I cannot tell these mothers these things, and that I have to somehow console them by suggesting places to get vaccinated.

I get some angry ones too, but I try to calm them before it.

Then I get tired of having the onslaught of patients come in too, at times. Especially after fielding five or ten patients in a row, I start grating a little, and I can't take a break because there's no one else to be found to do the work. Last Friday, I pulled a full 8hr shift, and I was really frustrated by the general lack of help that I got. I guess it showed a little, because someone complained that I wasn't nice enough.

Irritating.

On top of that, I'm feeling undermotivated to work on history, which I really need to do. I'm unmotivated to do much right now, and with all of the stress between these two jobs, dealing with school, money, and then my whole personal problem world, it's really tough for me right now. Probably shows in that I cried three times last week, twice after work and once on Wednesday for other reasons.

Last night was okay, but I guess I'll talk about that tomorrow.

Needing a Break from Reading

I've been reading for about 2 hours now about Hellenistic History & Culture, and I need a short break. Actually, the reading is going astonishingly well, when I don't stop to do whatever. The first chapter was about Macedonian kingship, which was kinda eh. The second (my favorite in all likelihood) was about the fringe societies of the Hellenistic world, particularly India and Meroe (Nubia). The one I'm on now deals with what makes Hellenistic art Hellenistic. It's okay, I suppose, except for the fact that it's 50 pages long, and I am not that well versed in art history. I have one more after that that's about 20 pages long to read on something...before tomorrow night.

I may write my third review on this book, even though I was hoping to do it worshiping the work of Peter Brown, who with Garrett Mattingly, is my favorite historian.

My finances are irritating me. What else is new there?

I've almost settled on getting my master's here. I mean, I have at least one good job. Why take the risk of having to pay tuition and then have to go through the whole job search AGAIN, after I've just recovered from almost a month of no work?

Speaking of work, I'm starting to get offers for my co-workers' daughters and sisters. Very awkward for me, because I can't just go and say "hmm...well, I don't know about your daughter, but tell me about your son".

I need to get back onto my Latin study still. UGH.

Got my flu vaccine today--and I'm starting to feel it a little bit. My throat was scratchy. Here's hoping the flu vaccine works this year!

Ah, Work. My Salvation

Work my be the thing that keeps me sane as everything sorts itself out. I got my other job working with the department of corrections. I go to UCCS to sort out the paperwork for the job (thank God, I don't have to go all the way down the to the World Arena), and then tomorrow, I start my 8-12 shift there. It's Monday-Thursday, so I retain Friday mornings free, in general. Except this week. I have to be at my peds office job at 7:30 this Friday because one of my co-workers asked for the morning off, so I need to fill in. At least I get off at 4 so that I can get to the hospital.

I'm almost recovered from my cold. I HATE being sick, because if I don't take any meds, then I exude symptoms of disease (runny nose and coughing, normally), but meds really mess up my brain. Normally, I do a very good job of filtering things, because too much honesty is very bad, both because I tend to be brutally honest and because I expose myself in ways I don't want to (see recent blog entries on that!). Plus, cold meds make me terribly emotional, and given how emotional I have been without the drugs, I really don't need acetamenophin, dextromorphin or whatever that is, and their accomplices to mess me up any more.

I AM SO BEHIND IN HISTORY. I have 100 pages to read in less than 36 hours. I only have a page and a half on my five-six page historiographical essay, I only have ONE review (out of three) done, although I just finished a draft of review two and now must obsessively edit it. Goals for this week:
1) Finish review two.
2) Finish current book for this and next week
3) Finish a draft of historiographic essay
4) Write my 2-3 page proposal on virginity in the Late Antique world and how the theology of Mary's virginity co-incides with all of that.

Should I mention my loathing of money? I probably shouldn't. Okay, I will. I hate money. More specifically, I hate staring at my savings account for a month now and it has not changed really. It's gone down maybe $25 dollars, but that's because I've been putting all my charges on credit. It's worked its way back up to about $600. So frustrating. It doesn't help that I won't see another paycheck for TWO WEEKS. Well, more like 12 days. But still. I've been looking for a third job that I can work on Sat and Sun, but I've seen nothing that's weekend only. With my recent rejection from Target (Never again will I use the word recalcitrant in an interview...) and the fact that Sears totally ignored me, I'm not sure what to expect in the whole retail world.

It also REALLY does not help that Christmas is coming.

I'm never going to make enough money to finally live on my own. GAH!

Ok, honesty time

So I should take a few moments to clarify that I am sick, and frequently I do not think very well or lucidly when ill.

But what I have to say is a little bit, I dunno, exposing to me. I really don't believe in all that Celtic spirituality stuff I profess to believe in. I don't have a lot of special powers. I made all of it up to cope with the fact that I am undesirable. I say I'm destined by some external force to be alone, when in reality, it's just because I'm not really that lovable.

I will wake up alone at 50, but not because God ordains it so.

Being sick and heartbroken kinda sucks.

An Addendum

My sister asked me the other day why I commit myself like this, why I don't just take the easier route, give up, and look elsewhere.

Suffice it to say, my sister has never been in a relationship, and I don't think she'll ever get to the stage of a serious one with that kind of thinking.

These things are NEVER easy. They take hard work, and sometimes they take sacrifice and suffering. Am I tired of suffering? Absolutely. Do I wish that I could just wave a magic wand to make it easy? No. It's not worth anything if it's not worth working for. I will keep doing it, because I'm willing to put the work into this to find out if it works. Sometimes, that work involves waiting a long time for someone to come around. If I didn't think that Thom was someone worth waiting for and working on improving myself for, I wouldn't be going through this.

I bitch here to vent; I cry to release my frustrations; but I do NOT give up.

I do hope sincerely that when he gets over the last guy who hurt him, he looks around and sees that I'm still here, and that I've waited all of this time for the right reasons. If he doesn't, then that's the way life works, and I will go on.

Meanwhile, I start my position at ABC Peds tomorrow--as all of last week was just training. Now, starts the tough part of the job: constant exposure to germies, whiny moms, etc. But it's 4 hours a day, so it's not too much.

Furthermore, I really need to buckle down on ancient history. Today I finish my research for my historiographical paper and I'll compose a tentative outline for my review on Cantarella. Course scheds are coming out Monday, I think. We shall see what awaits my spring semester...

Back to Old Habits

Well, I tried, and I utterly failed. Not that I'm totally surprised by this process of events--every other attempt I've ever made has failed. I'm starting to really grow convinced that I'm supposed to be this way. In one of my facebook notes, I mentioned how I generally feel called to be somone who loves monogamously. I didn't say that someone would return that to me.

I tend to believe in some of the ways of my Celtic ancestors. I know that I have a powerful insight, not only into other people, but into certain future events. I can't predict certainties, but my intuition gives me the ability to gauge future events on my visceral responses to particular questions. When I inquire as to how my life will be, my intuition makes it clear that solitude is in my future--why, I don't know. But I'll ask whether I'll ever have anyone who will treat me the way I am willing to treat others, and the answer is unanimously no.

I feel the overwhelming desire to go back to the way things used to be for me--where I was content to take 28 credit hours a semester, work 20 hours+ a week, and really have no life. I can't be hurt that way, because I'm so successful with school and work that I don't have to worry about being vulnerable.

My heart is devastated. My mind a shambles. And I stare at a wall of overwhelming silence. I have so many questions, and so few answers.

I'm tired of suffering.

It's all futile, really

Let's get one thing straight, I know he's not into me. I just know it. My brain is not stupid, it is not blind. Here's the reason: he doesn't make an effort. Two weeks ago, we went to dinner at Slayton's, and I paid the bill. He later said that I shouldn't have had to pay for mediocre barbeque, but I said if it was that bad for him, he could take me out to dinner. You normally don't wait two weeks for something like that if you're interested at all.

He knows that I am interested and yet makes no effort to get a hold of me. Sometimes I'll send texts and get ignored. I get no reciprocity, really. Which is so odd, because when we do happen to meet up--once every two weeks if I'm lucky, we get along pretty well, I mean we talk readily about a lot of different things. But, like I said, I'm not blind.

He says he gets really busy this time of year, but if you're interested in someone, then you make the time for him or her, even when your schedule is crazy. He doesn't really make any time for me.

At this point, I don't pray that he forms an interest in me (I gave up on that, and besides, God doesn't even have that kind of power). I do though that he opens up to whatever man it is that will give him the world and more and one to whom he would be ready to give as well. I really wish people could see how amazing he is really. I mean, it takes a lot for me to be in awe of someone, and I definitely feel that way about him.

The thing is that I won't look elsewhere, because my heart's one strength over my brain is its ability to fixate, and mine has already made it clear that it won't give up until he starts seeing someone else or the day comes when he really is ready to start and he just tells me that I'm not.
So, I will wait, I will do it patiently, even though I already know the outcome; because that's what it means to whatever.

Tonight's going to involve a lot of crying.

The Meaning of Patience

I sort of made an idiot of myself, as I mentioned yesterday, and I was thinking some today about how stupid I really made myself, and to a certain extent, somewhat shallow....for lack of a better word.

I realized today that part of saying that I'm going to be willing to wait means that I have to do it with a spirit of charity, not of impatience. There's an element that says it's good to do the right thing--i.e. waiting in every sense of the word. There is no way that I'm willing to let another man interfere with the commitment that I'm willing to make here. I've had a few less than virtuous offers in the last weeks, but I refuse to give in on those accounts, because I realized why I always heard that it's a good idea to wait. If he finally realizes what is in front of him (i.e., me) had decides that I'm worth risking, and that he is too, it would be amazing.

My attitude has to dictate how I'm going to wait these weeks or even months (hopefully not years). Each day that goes by is one less day I have to wait, to wait to hear his voice again, to wait to see him, and hopefully for him to take the chance on me. I don't have to do it with a hover of fear, as I have. I've been afraid that by trying to do the right thing, I'll end up getting burned, and that's the completely wrong way of taking it.

The right way is to wait with hope, and to wait with confidence. In the meantime, I improve upon myself. I work hard at school, because it means that I will be able to provide better for myself and for whoever the man of my future is, whether it is Thom or not. Whenever I conjure the image of one for which I want to be able to do that, it just so happens that it's him because I like him, but consciously, I know that I want to do this for whoever out there is hopefully destined to be with me. Poor sucker.

But I'll save money, work hard, and hopefully get even better jobs than where I'm at now. In the meantime, I have to hope that his eyes are slowly realizing that I'm not like the exes who didn't treat him the right way. I have to hope he sees in me someone who could make him happy if he just let me in, the way that I have let him in for me. I have to hope he sees that the fact that I was willing to wait says something about who I am. And I do it with optimistic anticipation now, not with a pessimism typical of me. If I end up hurt because of it, then that's life. But I don't think he's the kind of man who would make me wait and then hurt me.

The meaning of patience is to stand up and to take every minute, realizing that it's one minute less of waiting, not one more minute of torture. The time I have to wait is always growing shorter. That's a good way of seeing it, I suppose.

Wow, twice in as many days

So, I must admit that my last post was made under emotional duress. I did not sleep very well the previous two nights. My brain works in a funny way: I need at least 4 hours of sleep to have any effectiveness whatsoever, and Thursday night, that was all I got. I have a tendency to be crabby when I don't have at least six, so I was a little bitchy. The dog kept waking me, and I had coffee too late in the day.

Friday night was an absolute disaster sleeping, with only about 2 hours. Accumulation of deprivation is really bad. After a couple of days of sub-par sleep, I start losing control of my emotions, and I've said it before, I'm basically a Vulcan. I have to have a strong control of my emotions because if I don't, then it runs like wildfire. Had I not gotten a decent night's sleep last night, I would have been crazy today, in a psychopathic kind of way.

But anyways, now that that's all better, I can get back to work. I went to Grace Episcopal this morning, and thanks to the icy roads, it was disastrous driving (almost hit by psycho-lady), and there were literally more people who did all of the liturgical stuff for their service (mass?) than attendees.

Whatever. Anyways, the rest of today should be dedicated to further pursuits in the historical field, as I desperately try to get ahead before I'm working half time. If I don't have something by the time I hit full-time stride, I'm going to be screwed.

I made a list of five things to work on by the end of the year:

1. Work on my potty mouth (I'm going to get rid of 'shit' and 'fuck' from my vocab. It sounds nasty, and I don't like saying it).
2. Obviously, my graduate school work.
3. Eliminate credit card debt (only $500, but still...).
4. Raise savings to at least $1500 (may not be possible...we'll see)
5. Re-energize Latin/French. Four languages at one time is too much for me.

Ok, so I need to post something for a change

My over a month absence has been inexcusable, and I msut apologize for it. Things have been kind of rough, and these last weeks have had some pretty monumental changes involved.

The first being graduate school. I thought I really was going to be out of my league on this one, getting sucked into something that I couldn't do. I know my friend Pearl is having some difficulties herself with feeling like she belongs in grad school. but for me, I haven't felt more confident in my abilities in my life. Part of it was the fact that for the first time over the summer, I paid for all of my classes, which showed me that I can do it if I have to. I basically have to sacrifice everything that I want, but I did it. Furthermore, it made me value my education more. I feel like when I have something to say, that it makes some kind of contribution to the class--and not like before where I would make irrelevant contributions, but I'm making a substantial effort here, and it's paying off. Now, I don't know about my written work yet...Duvick has yet to return any of it to me, but I think my first review was competent. I know now that I definitely picked the right field for me...I'm an historian first and foremost.

The second thing being the whole process of coming out. It's mostly complete, and the people closest to me in my life now all know, including both of my parents, who took it much better than I surmised they would. They're probably not at full acceptance stage yet, but they've both had emotional days, and what surprised me was my maturity--I wasn't afraid of my parents anymore. I really thought that my dad would have strangled me, but the strange thing is that he values his time with me more. He knows where I'm coming from and hereally sees that he raised a good, upstanding man. There are many people who don't know yet, for varying reasons, but I'm not ashamed any longer. The fact that with this post, I am now linking my facebook to my blog means that I'm okay with other people I know reading into these elements of my life. I don't know how many of you will end up reading this, but the support that many of you have given me has meant so much. My sister, Erin, and some of my best friends, including Karin, Maricor, Stacie, and especially Thom, your support has meant so much, that I cannot say. Then on top of that, to have people who I barely know willing to help and support me like Grant, Michaela, and Kaleena means so much to me too.

The third, and perhaps most important factor, has been the fact that I accept and care about myself. I used to do things for the wrong reasons--to have other people's acceptance. Now I do good things because I care about others. I look at myself in the mirror, and instead of putting myself down, I challenge myself to do more than I did yesterday, to keep trying when things look darkest. There is always the temptation within to revert, especially when things don't go my way, but those dark days are things to which I cannot return.

There are still things that leave me jumbled and confused. Before I went to New Orleans/Pensacola last month, I sent Thom a letter telling him how important he is to me and how much I care about him. He's gone through far worse than I ever will, and that in part has conditioned him to be afraid to let other people in. I don't want to say too much to respect his privacy, but I can't imagine myself having pushed through the things he has suffered, and yet, despite it all, his outlook is great.

There's something about him that leaves me in awe. I mean, none of my readers out there know him, but he is more fascinating than anyone I've probably met. He's the only person I have met who is able so consistently to challenge me across the board--intellectually, creatively, and personally. Actually, I think he's probably smarter than I am, which is a huge challenge to me, because when it comes to brains, I like to be competitive. He's definitely wiser, but in wisdom, I have learned that it's not so much how much of it that you have, but how much you value the wisdom that you do have. For that, I can thank my Celtic ancestry.

I'm kind of stuck because I want to respect his space and let him sort through things, but at the same time, I want to do things that show him that I care, and I want him to get the chance to know me as I have him. Materially speaking, I'm not that great of a catch, because so much of my money goes towards school. I mean, if this was Jane Austen times, I couldn't get a fisherman's daughter. But the thing is that I work hard, I value what and who I have in my life, and as soon as I finish my graduate work, that material problem will go away, no problem at all. It's awkward, because he's the first person that I've genuinely been interested in who will even talk to me...my past experiences have been people ignoring and rejecting me.

I'm scared too on a certain level that there will be some hot hunk who swoops in and snatches him, and I'll be all "dammit, I tried to do the right thing by respecting his need to heal, and this jackass came in".

I could use some advice here...obviously. My inexperience means that I need the help of my much more successful friends in this matter.

The final bit of good news is that I have not only one, but two (probably...) jobs! Come Monday, I start my training to be a medical receptionist for a pediatric office, which will be a 1-5 PM job; and then I'm the leading candidate for a job doing data entry with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I have to go through a ridiculous amount of background checking into my life and all kinds of polygraph tests and stuff. They both pay better than my last job. I'm still considering a third one, but with grad school, I doubt that three is a smart thing.

Well, thus, I must say that life looks like it's slowly swinging up.

Before I neglect it too much, this month has brought me my first visits to Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and Georgia, so I'm up to 33 states and DC. Only 17 to go before I've hit my first big travel goal...

I really need a friend right now.

It's weird, I post facebook messages saying how I really feel crappy, and I get sort of blase responses.

I have a lot to say about the last few weeks, but it's all on my laptop right now, so it'll be a retrospective.

I've applied for 40 jobs and have heard nothing. I'm starting to lose faith in my ability to do work.

I had dinner with Thom the other night and realized I still have serious feelings for him. This last month has only made them stronger. At it really hurts me that he isn't interested in me. I mean, I should have seen the signs a long time ago, he never initiates contact with me--I always have to call or email him first. He doesn't hug me when we meet.

This has been the story of my life, really. I get guys who are drunks or married interested in me all the time. But when someone decent comes along, someone who has a shred of intelligence, there's this wall I can't breach.

It really feels like God's torturing me, putting something that I realize I really want n front of my face, only to give me "I'm not ready".

For the one time in my life when I desperately don't want to be alone, I find myself so alone in this dark world. What happened?

I mean, he's really nice and gorgeous to me. I don't really know what he meant by "I'm not ready right now". I have so many questions, and I want answers.

I'm telling my parents I'm a homo on Saturday. Suffice it to say, I've been looking for places to go when, in all likelihood, my dad throws me out of the house.

I just cried, seriously, for the first time in about 10 years. I think I'm falling for him, and it really hurts me so much that I keep falling for these guys who are so uninterested in me. What is it about me that rubs people the wrong way?

Distraught

I'm upset by many things right now in my life.

The first, an most painful, right now is the job situation. I've sent out tons of applications and I've heard nothing. Really discouraging not to get at least an interview. I'm trying to reach the stage in my life where I can spread my wings, and fate deigns that I work for $8.02 an hour (barely enough to pay rent, much less eat, drive, learn). I'm trying to find a job that pays health care, because my parents have this moral issue with me not having health care, and if something happened, they would pay for it. I'm going to apply for four or five more tomorrow, but I'm not expecting success by any standard.

The next problem is my never-ending personal problem. I hate it. That's enough to say, I think.

The next is that I've eaten a whole cheesecake in about 24 hours. I'm really sick to my stomach.

My brain is really reasserting itself. My financial situation combined with school starting allows my pragmatic side to strongly reassert, and whenever it asserts in one field (especially finances), it has the capability to control all of my faculties. It's doing so now.

I wish I had the will-power and sufficient self-loathing to commit to a total oath of celibacy. The thing is that there's this light and poofy part of me that hopes that my failures (like me) can be rectified. My only hope is that the pragmatic side crushes these childish hopes and dreams. I'm not worth loving. At least I'm decent enough to keep myself out of the picture, I figure. Imagine being in love with someone who cannot accept the fact that you love him. You can buy him whatever you want, you could give him the world, hell, you could die for him, and it wouldn't be enough, because he loathes himself so much that he rejects the love of other people.

I know myself better than anyone else, and if I don't think I'm worth it, why should anyone else?

I keep thinking about how little I do for others. I sit here, bitching and moaning, and there are people somewhere suffering for the good of others. I volunteer at the hospital, which alleviates the work load for the nurses, but I don't really get my hands dirty. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a mission trip of some kind. Not one where you go to El Salvador, build a basketball court, and leave; but one where a significant part of your life is spend in an area, and you sacrifice everything to give of yourself. If I could do that from March to August next year or something like that, I would love it. But, money is the great bitch again. How do I fly there? How do I sustain myself ?

Always burdensome.

I need a breakthrough somewhere. I sort of had one last night, since I had a dream in French (first time EVER, which means I am starting to make the connections necessary to think in French, and whilst writing this, I was doing a little bit of that thinking in French, [YAY, only 3 years, as opposed to the 10 it took for Spanish!]), but I need a profound breakthrough.

Contradictions

In a lot of ways, I'm a walking contradiction. I suppose at some point in my life, I'm going to have to be okay with that.

So these last couple of weeks have been enlightening in a lot of ways for me. A lot of the questions I used to have are going away. The biggest one that I always had was "why". Why am I the way that I am? Why am I here even to begin with?

I'm reading a biography about St. Teresa of Avila, a woman whom I envy quite a bit, because of how much God chose to bless her. She received raptures that brought her in such closeness to God that it caused her physical pain, but at the same time spiritual ecstasy. Many of her contemporaries cautioned her due to the Inquisition, but she was outwardly blessed--God even levitated her. Her determination was always her first gift and coupled with her faith, she was unstopable.

Suffice it to say, my relationship with God is not so good as Teresa's. In fact, I'm angry, because I figure, if I was supposed ot be different from the social norms, it would have been nice to be asexual. That's really what I wanted. I don't, nor have I ever wanted to be straight, and to fit into the social mold. Which, fortunately, I don't. The problem is that I never wanted, and frankly, I still don't want, to be gay either. I wanted to never develop a sex drive towards ANYONE.

My reason for this was always so that I could do more work and not be distracted. The real reason was that I wanted to be better than other people. Being Catholic means that sex is inherently nasty, even in marriage, there's a certain level of incommunicability about sex because there's something that is seen to be wrong about it. I wanted to be asexual so I could lord it over other people, to show that I was intrinsically better than other people because I wasn't tainted by something so filthy.

(At this point, I should apologize for my brutal honesty).

As I was reading this book, in the midst of my envy for Teresa, I was struck by her humilty, and then it hit me. God made me gay not topunish me, but to bring me down to earth, to enhance, rather than to degrade my humanity. It was a profound realization for me.

I still don't like it, but I have to accept that it's the way it is.

I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person I'm supposed to be. My opinion of myself is still, as always, pretty low. I was talking to a gay friend of mine who wants to take me to gay clubs and such. I've never been to straight clubs, and we all have images, no doubt, thanks in part to things like Sex in the City of gay clubs being these STD breeding grounds. I said I was willing to go once, because the refusal to try anything that does not intrinsically cross moral boundaries is indicative of a closed mind. But anyways, inclusive in all of that, we side-tracked into why I'm so aloof.

There are multiple parts of it. The first is my continual drive to try to look better than other people. To lord over them my moral superiority (don't I look like a fucking jackass. It's true, I am. Ive got a one-way ticket to hell already stamped). Part of my goal is genuine goodness, because I have to be an example for my 10 yo sister.

But the contradiction is what comes up when there's no moral element involved. And I said what the truth is directly to him, which I almost never do face to face. I said that I'm not worth having fun. I'm not worth being loved, and I'm just not worth the energy.

I very profoundly believe this. I don't let people get me things because I dpn't want them to put money into a black hole. Many times when I go out with people, I pay for them, becasue I'm trying to genuinely be nice, but I will never let people reciprocate, even to the point of rudeness. Those people I met in Ireland who tried to pay for me (I eventually convinced them to let me pay the tip) even told me I was reaching the point of rude.

The only reason I work so hard on myself is because in the end, I see it as worthless. The reason I chose to reject God is because I didn't want his love for me. I still don't as I write this. Every measure he makes to try to show me happiness I toss back to stay in a pain that is so comfortable. He has already sent me two incredible men who could have amde a difference and I pushed it away. He's sent me opportunities, and I've pushed them because I might be happy.

I wish he would stop wasting his energy on me and give blessings to people who would take them. To those I know who could use his love and grace more than I, because of the challenges in their lives.

Probably the last big why question I have is why I hate myself so much. I mean, this is so deep seeded that I live only to spite myself. It's what keeps me going on and on and on, is the fact that death is just too easy and that the overwhelming difficulty of life is what I deserve.

I look at pictures of Brandon, and wonder why him and not me. He probably valued life, had great dreams, and wanted so much for the world, and I sit here wallowing.

I need to live on my own.

So fine, I'll post

I don't have terribly long to post on here, particularly since I have a meeting at 10:30 at UCCS, and hopefully, after that, I can get registered for my history class.

These last two weeks have not been particularly easy for me. Dealing with rejection can be tough, but in the end, I'm actually happier that I've been rejected. There's always that feeling of reprieve you get when you no longer have to try. I may have something to say about relationships in general soon, but today isn't a good idea.

I came very close thrice in the last couple of weeks to come out to my parents, but in the end, I decided that it's not a smart idea so long as they have any kind of leverage against me. My mother would never use it, but my father is so homophobic that it's best not to leave him in any kind of position of power over me.

Speaking of which, that reign is starting to come to a close, hopefully. I've applied for a lot of jobs in the last few days that specifically have health insurance with them and that pay more than what I'm getting now. If I can get health insurance, that will be my biggest accomplishment.

My car insurance is still kind of ugly, because my car has about one year left of any reasonable value before I just switch to liability insurance. I am really tempted to go ahead and make that switch, but not yet.

I wish I could do more with my life than I have done with it. I'm really disappointed in my lack of making a real contribution. I've been dabbling with hagiography again, and I compare my life to those of these amazing people who lived and I can only look with despair at the comparison made to mine. It's hard to be able to volunteer though when one's schedule is in so much flux.

I get paid on Thursday night (thank God), but like the last 10 paychecks, the majority of it will be going on my credit card. I AM paying that bastard off this month, if it kills me. I'm so tired of carrying a balance it's no longer funny. Note to everyone, NEVER use a credit card for tuition. NEVER.

Money's a bitch.

Solitude

I find it pretty weird that whenever I have solitude, I don't want it at all, but whenever I really want it, there is none to be had.


July's over yesterday, which brings an end to a tortuous month for me. Lots of ups and downs (mostly downs), but all in all, one with which I am not highly satisfied.

These last few days, like most in the last couple of months, have been really revelatory. I've learned a few things, and for once, I don't tend to think that they are over-exaggerations of my typical variety.


First, I belong in Ireland. I've alluded to it quite a bit, but everyone who reads this is pretty much facebook friends with me, and as soon as I post this, I'm going to post my defense on Ireland. Essentially, I'm a part of it, it of me. It's the one thing that brings light into my world and give me hope. The only hope I really have any more is that someday I can return to the one land that felt like home to me and to really live up to being Eireannach.

Second, I am in no way ready for a relationship. It's good that the man in whom I was interested sort of distanced himself long enough for me to get my head together. I am not financially stable in any means right now that suggests relationship material. Furthermore, I have too many goals: grad school, saving money, getting home--that prevent me from being emotionally committed. Emotional commitment is always going to be hard because I've spent so little energy emotionally committing to myself. Intellectually, I have, and it's enough for me, but intellectualism is a lonely comfort. It doesn't lend to being a good mate.

Suffice it to say, I'm a lot more hurt than I let on.

All in all, I'm sure God's work at torturing me is making his amusement. I mean, why the hell would this amazing guy come in my life, someone in whom I am totally interested, only to have it snatched away? It's been this way about almost everything--I get something I want, admission into graduate school or some good universities, and the 'little' things get in the way. I would give up a lot of my goals to have it, but it's hard to break through "no".

I've had a long experience of unrequited intentions, and it's sickening how many of them I've had. It doesn't matter how much I show I'm interested, I've never been able to phase people towards me. It's been an external validation of the fact that I don't think I matter.

I'm trying to break out of this cycle of self-hatred and despair, but it's hard whenever I try, my external circumstances make everything that much more difficult, and seemingly confirm that I just don't measure up.

I do have one area where I am about to claim victory. It's not a big one, but it's a victory that I'll take. Little battles help me a lot.

I had a difficult drive to work today.

I'm sorry I'm so spastic. My neat little world has become in too short a time messy and chaotic, and I have to spend a lot of time trying to fix it.

It sucks being so alone in this world. The only comforts I have really are my books and the insane amount of work I make myself do. It probably doesn't help that most of my nucleus of friends has moved away in the last four years. I only have a couple of people who actually live in COS who I meet at all.

If I could cry, I would.

My Blood Is Boiling

This has been probably the worst weekend I've had in a few months. By far. Actually, we could probably limit it to the last day and a half. Friday wasn't too terrible. My morning wasn't too bad because I went bowling and scored a 165 in my first game, a feat I had never accomplished. I knocked four strikes and three spares in my first game, leaving only two pins up in my third frame, five up in my seventh frame, and six in my last frame. My second two were kinda sucky, only 95 and 72 respectively. I still have yet to buy my shoes, but I'll work on that. I won't go bowling again probably until Tuesday and then Thursday night.

Speaking of Thursday nights, that ship has decided not to set sail. I dunno, I suppose it could have been worse, but I think I jumped the gun on a lot of things. Neither one of us was really ready, so I guess it's back to same old same old me. That's okay, I could use the extra sixty-ish bucks a week. Plus, my unhappy dark side gets to win one more battle.

That probably triggered my bad weekend, was realizing I've been too emotionally involved without using my brain. I normally pride myself on the opposite response. When I'm normal, it's very difficult to gauge my emotions on any issue (well, perhaps except sweet tea, which causes all kinds of anger to boil), because I am so analytical that the only thing that really guides my decisions is logic and reason. It wasn't so much the rejection, as I've sort of gotten used to it, such that I'm like a dog on my back. It sucks to be rejected so much, but I've learned that rejection is kind of the bedmate that I've never really seen was always there.

That made my work shift that night difficult, as I couldn't talk well to customers. I also had a hard time focusing on my homeland defense paper I was trying to finish (and finally did), and it was really hard for me to work on Greek for some reason. Greek and Latin normally are my really easy languages to work on, because you sort of live in your own world, as it's not a language with which one uses for communication.

Last night, I could not fall asleep, so I did what I frequently do, which is to go through all the things I have and ask myself "do I really need/want this?" and normally I get rid of about 10% of what I have each time I go through one of those. I've realized too that I do it because I figure if I clean up my messy environment, I might be able to clean up my messy mind.

So today comes around and it's the first Sunday in about two months that I have the morning off (more on that later), but anyways, I make the effort to go to church, and I normally have always stood in the back, because I thought I wanted to avoid being next to other people for health reasons. When I was there today, I really felt that the reason I wanted to stand in the back was because I knew I didn't belong with those people, I was an outsider, some kind of contagion to the pristine world order. What's odd is that these last couple of months have brought me back to a lot of the saints and the Virgin (I'm still having a hard time with the big man, especially considering his UTTER lack of humanity and the ability to empathize with what I'm going through---plus I think he's delibrately torturing me). I mean, I really want to embrace the old-fashioned traditional Catholicism in hippy-Jesusville. I don't partake of sacraments for multiple reasons (I don't think that select males should have the right to have control of divine intervention with man, and frankly, I don't think I should receive them as a part of my life's goal of self-loathing).

I don't belong in that other place either. I'm not a part of the rainbow coalition. I really have no interest in being a part of the 'gay community', since pretty much all of them are just a bunch of bitching fags (says the fag bitching on this blog...) who want to go to Wicked and sing in a choir and then have meaningless sex. Then we go for drinks (fruity girly drinks, not an actual beer) and shoe for designer clothes while we forget that while we're doing all of that there are people for whom some good can be done. Those are people who are comfortable with whom they are, and I'm not that. I always knew I was different, and it was something I took pride in. As 14 and 15 rolled around, there was literally no development, and I thought "finally, here's why, I'm different from EVERYONE" I really liked the idea of being asexual because it made me less human. It made me less vulnerable.

16 was kind of a turning point for me, and I hated it. Suppression was possible thanks to IB and the sheer volume of what I had to do. It's a huge part of the reason why I decided to take 28 hours a semester, because between that and working, you can go ahead and say that you are asexual because you have literally no energy to contribute towards even THINKING about anything else. I miss those times.

But anyways, pretty much everyone who knows has been going and saying "I know this gay person or these lesbians or whatever" and then they go "you should meet". Ok. This actually is really irritating. I mean, I know single moms. Should I have them meet and 'support' each other because they're single moms? no. Should I introduce two seperate friends together because they're black? How about if you're both girls? Vaginas unite! By the way, I know three girls whose names are some spelling variation of Christina (Kristina, Cristina, whatever). Maybe I should introduce all of them to each other because it's so different having the name Christina.

The fact of the matter is that I don't care how many gay friends any of my friends have, I don't want to meet them. I don't really care. You can be friends with Elton John all you want, I don't really want to meet him just because he's gay. I don't need a fag support group. I don't need gay counseling. I don't go to pride parades because I don't think there's any reason to be proud of being gay. You should be proud because of the actions that you do and the constructiveness of your moral character, not which hole you prefer to fuck (or have fucked). I can proudly say that I'm not proud of being gay. Quite the opposite, really, because it's detracted so much from a very possibly productive life and a better lived one.

Basically, please don't sick gay friends on me. I have enough fags (me) in my life as it is.

Anyways, getting back to my sucky weekend, I drive to work today in the pouring rain, Union is TOTALLY flooded. I get there at 2:45, for my 3:30-8:30 shift. Turns out I was supposed to be there at 8 AM today. Fortunately, they didn't hate me too much, and they understood that I thought I was supposed to be there at 3:30. Consdiering I drove 25 miles in driving rain for no reason, they forgave me.

The only really good thing that has happened is that I've finished my homeland defense final, and it looks like I'm going to get around a 96% on it, which makes up for my disaster of a test last time, and which also means that I only need like a 75% on my paper to get an A. I've had two papers with grades less than that in my LIFE, once in 11th grade and once in 7th grade. I don't think there's much concern here.

Tomorrow my family and I are riding a train in Leadville (not my first idea of fun on my only day off this week....), and then Tuesday=HUGE finish day as I finish accounting forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, I intend (ev vw exw==closest thing to Greek I can do) to get as close to done on Cicero and my Greek for the month as possible while finishing my application for my second job. I'm really going to need my two days of total solitude next week.

Back to Banality

So I'm going to have a boring blog, so Kaleena, feel free to skim. I'll make a point to mention juicy details at the top of each blog, and highlight or italicize important sections to facilitate skimming (don't feel bad, the first time I see a new post, I skim too. It's only after certain individuals don't post after a few days [ahem, to everyone, really] that the accumulated skimming results in an actual read of a column).

Actually, everyone could pretty much skip this section completely, because it's going to be a list of basically total boredom about my incessant need to punish my brain by pounding it with high levels of intellectual stress to cope with the seeming emptiness of that which is my life.

If you would rather spend the next minutes enjoying yourselves, please select one of the following links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rFU1Y7zuyw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwBQC728v5s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGrjJ-9KwIY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCUebdSbBlU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJKChK8ZTM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AohSzvBr4cA&feature=related

Any and all of those (from my favorite show on the toob now, So You Think You Can Dance) would probably be better than anything I have to offer in these few words ahead. Plus, as many other addicts I can get to the cause will be WORTH it. By the way, I would totally give a leg to be able to dance like that, except I only have two, and it's hard to dance with only one leg...

First of all, I must say that Latin music totally makes my life better. I coul see myself someday sitting in some smoke-filled and run down cafe in San Jose or Havana (die already Castros) downing a local cerveza, listening to the rhythms flowing through me, and watching the young lovers dancing the night away. (Yes, I have been thinking about going to these two cities too much recently). I really badly want to go to Cuba for some reason. There's some mystique of tha old 1950s Havana that I think I'd be looking for, when for it I probably should be going to Miami instead.

I am so glad that I really invested the time in my life to learn Spanish, because it's one of those few real languages out there. A lot of language is stuffy and uppety. I take a LOT of pride in speaking Latin American Spanish and never learned the style of the Spanish of Spain. Spaniards are the uppety assholes who look down on the American speakers of Spanish (I'm speaking pan-American, not just US) because their style is corrupted by local dialects and has become the langauge of the "low-worker". Many Spaniards who come over to the Americas lose that VERY quickly, and it's because Hispanics are real people. When I get the chance to speak in Spanish to Latinos (especially those who speak almost no English), it's really great.

Speaking of Spanish, I'm all reviewed for July. I bought this grammar book to review grammatical rules (I don't really need the structures, I can still remember that If only I could...blah is translated as pudiera, but I really could use the help remembering when to use those structures). Once I finish it, I have two books in Spanish to knock off, one by the great Paolo Coehlo (he's Brazilian, I can't spell his name...I don't speak that language yet), the other is DonQuixote. I plan on getting a couple of Marquez books in Spanish, although I own most of them in English already (except Chronicle of a Death Foretold, the ONLY book I liked reading in English class....ironically...).

I'm also reviewed in Latin through this month already, as my aim was to get back to first semester proficiency, so next I get to push into my second semester of Latin. I'm starting to pick up on a lot of the ancient things (reading Cicero right now), so I'm hoping that I'll be able to read some Latin.

Of course, I've sacrificed a bit of my other langauge training, as I haven't really cared about French, Italian, or Greek for the last several days. I only have like 2 chapters to go in French until I reach my goal for the month. I have to go over negatives (totally a pain in French, Spanish and English win on this front) and then prepositional and colloquial phrases. My aim was to finish my Italian book, but I see I need a LOT of review on the semester and a half's worth that I've already finished. It's kind of cool because in one month I learned present, past, imperfect, and imperative verb forms in Italian, and I think I know already how future works. If I study a LOT of vocabulary and grammar over the next 6 months, I'll probably be fluent in Italian. Greek on the other hand, I need four more chapters before I reach my month's goal. I think I can hit it, especially since it's currently review for me. I know I have to go over the present progressive participle...

Having finished a couple of my goals for the month, I can spend the extra time finishing accounting and homeland defense. I'm going to start writing my final paper tonight for homeland. Then next week, I have two finals to take, and I'll be done with summer classes. Fall is somewhat simplified as I decided instead of jumping into the Slavic language family, I should knock off the rest of the major Romance languages---Portuguese, Romanian, and Catalan---first, and establish myself in the Germanic langauges better than I have (REVIEW GERMAN), and really try to learn my Celtic ones. On top of all of that, I am entering my first non-Indo-European language (Arabic) in August. I'm really going to have to get used to a whole new langauge structure and family, however, once I adapt, I might be able to hop into something like Hebrew.

Basically, this is how I see my future language development by the end of 2010:

Fluent: English, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese (Five Stars)
Competent: German, Greek, Latin (Four Stars)
Conversant: Arabic (Three Stars)
Intermediate: Gaelic, Romanian (Two Stars)
Beginner: Catalan, Dutch (One Star)

I actually may already be near that one star in Catalan, because I can translate most of it if I read it.

Ok, so my life is boring, deal with it.

At least I'm going bowling today before work.

What is this? Blogging twice in a week??

Yes, I must admit that it is time to write another blog, in part to discuss the banality of my life for my long-term historical preservation records, but also to discuss further developments in my aim for recovery.

I suppose banality is a good place to start. My summer classes are such a drain that it's not even funny. I still have two big assignments in homeland defense over the next two weeks. My last test was tragic. I got an 81%, however my other tests have left me at an A. I still have to write a term paper on food contamination and to take the final exam, which will probably be next Monday, mainly because I'm off then.

Accounting is so close to done it's not even funny. I'll probably get a B, but that's because I just don't effing care. The class is stupid. I have to do one more discussion and then I have to take the final exam (released on Tuesday), and I'll be done.

Work is much the same, work 5-8 hours at a time and conduct the same routines each day. I must say that my language skills have advanced considerably. By the end of August, I'll be at 5th semester level French, I'll have reviewed Spanish completely, I'll be through 2 semesters of Italian grammar (I need to boost vocabulary a LOT---I only know about 300 Italian words), and I'll have reviewed one semester's worth of Latin and Greek.

At that point, I'll be starting Arabic, so Spanish will probably have to go for a while. I decided not to take Russian right now because I don't really have $1000 to do it. I'm really considering not taking the second semester of medical terminology, but I could just push really hard over two weeks and just finish it.

My money situation is improving quite a bit. My savings has recovered to about $600 from its low last month of $45, and my credit card debt is down to 1078. I've got about 70 dollars in change that I want to put towards my travel fund but it would be wiser to augment either situation. The thing is when money sits around in change, I DON'T SPEND IT. So I normally don't like putting it into the bank until it's at $100, por lo menos.

I'm still looking around for a second job, even if it only pays like $50 extra a week. Any COS natives that have ideas could forward them to me...

I'm also trying to sell a few books, but have had no replies. If nothing comes up over the next week, I'm going to take the massive hit at UCCS selling these books, but the $20 or so is better than staring at the books sitting on my shelves never used.

I have to work tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday, but fortunately, I have nights this weekend, so my Fri-Sun mornings are off. I'm going to take this opportunity to use one morning for a much needed zoo trip with someone special--quickly followed by Panera.

The problem is that I jsut heard my sister is going to be going to the zoo on Saturday at 10. The LAST thing I need is to be there and she goes "Who is that you're here with?", only to promptly come home the next day and tell mom and dad "I saw Ray at the zoo!" I can only imagine how much worse it could get. I suppose I'll hope much for Friday, if that fails, then Sunday. If all options fail, date suggestions for mornings are highly appreciated.

Speaking in further detail on this, I have clearly been smitten, and it's been noticed in certain circles, namely my other sister, with whom I have been totally honest in this whole process. I want them to sort of act as a balance to my emotions. Most people tell me to ignore the whole rational thing, but I can't just ignore that side, and so she's the one most likely to tell me the extent of what I need to hear. Her suggestion though is that we all go alligator wrestling or hike a 14,000 foot mountain together. I was thinking something along the lines of coffee or lunch one day...not putting our lives in danger as a bonding thing.

So, I also have decided to be honest with my fabulous readers (all 5 of them, maybe, and at least 2 already know everything), I still require discretion, because the response of my parents is still a vital factor. Basically, the reason I have been very vague on my blogs about all of this and the reason my parents would be disapproving is that I'm sort-of (still not official yet, dammit) dating a guy...

Yes, the rhyming pattern does apply, I am interested in people who look more like me than not anatomically. It's not a shock, I don't think really, but it's been a huge contributing factor to my whole life as a problem situation, because I always looked at it like some kind of tortuous curse that the fates decided to inflict upon me for their sick twisted purposes. I kind of figured that since the rest of the universe hated people like me, why shouldn't I? I went through all kinds of hell because I think other people knew who I was before I did, and they treated me negatively for it.

He told me that people like us either fall into the world of addiction to escape, or we overwork ourselves to the point of exhaustion so that we can create our little perfect world where being gay doesn't matter, because you have literally worked it out of yourself. Either way's really false.

I mentioned that I've had a big breakthrough, in part because I've really actually accepted this. At first, I was sort of all, ok, let's make sure...collection of data is the foundation of experimental analysis. But I'm sort of pulled in hook, line ,and sinker. I am so happy when I'm around him, it's not even funny. Well, it is, because I thought I would be the last person in the world to feel this way.

I used to ask God, "why did you do this to me?" in a tone that was sort of angry, sort of perilous, and sort of defeated. But recently, I've been asking "what did I ever do that could ever make up for being around this wonderful person?" I've been a bit more active in my creencias ever since I've rekindled this. I'm obviously still conflicted between my general support of a more Catholic theology and moral view and the fact that I don't like the priesthood very much and that I feel really excluded. He's someone who challenges me on an intellectual level (rarely accomplished before because of my breadth of knowledge) and on a level of being a better person. And he himself is fundamentally good, which is all I really want.

I know we've only sort of gone out for a little over a month, but I actually had a crush on him about a year ago, and I ran away because I was afraid of letting the beast out of its box. I'm effing glad I learned my lesson.

The reason I've been listening to "Isn't Life Strange" over and over is because that's the route my life has been taking.

My parents' reactions when they hear/know are going to be divergent. My mom has told me she doesn't care who I am or who I'm with so long as I'm a good person with someone who treats me right. She'll probably be upset that I've been lying to her, but after a couple of weeks, she'll be totally ok with it. She's not yet on the ok with same-sex marriages bandwagon, but I think afterwards, she will be.

I wouldn't mind telling her, but that would require her lying to my dad, which is a position in which I don't want to put her. It's not fair to ask one parent to lie to the other.

My dad though is going to be a HUGE problem. I am already a disappointment to my dad on a lot of levels; not going into the military (first Schultz in like 4 generations not to), I didn't get into a good graduate school, I've sort of messed up my college experience, I'm not laden with cash, etc. His number one moral topic of preaching is about gay people, how they shouldn't breed, get married, or really be allowed to be together in public. He's basically really homophobic. I know he would stop talking to me for a while, and he would never go to a wedding of mine or even meet with a bf. It'll be tough to say the least. But it's ok, I'm already a disappointment to him, so he'll just be even more-so. It's not like I will be treated that differently.

No wine this time

So, I have mentioned it on my facebook, but I have reverse SAD. I get depressed when the weather turns to summer, and it really has only started being summer for the last two or three weeks in Colorado, and I have about three more weeks to go before I adapt completely.

I got my sign. Actually, probably about ten or twenty of them. I dunno, folks. That whole austere and controlled and isolated me is starting to lose its grip. I'm definitely exposed, and that dark figure, I've really learned is me. Part of me can feel the walls being bulldozed around me, and when I anticipated on the assault coming like a ton of bricks, the way it has turned out is that there are more cracks in my foundation than the guard who keeps me in can fill. For the first time, I've been able to be honest, and just that little bit has exposed a lot of false intentions about me. I'm actually almost ok with being totally honest (there are still the issues involving parents. I know that one would not approve of anything I'm doing here, the other is somewhat circumspect. Fortunately, I have a sister who will basically whoop ass), and if asked, I have no problem saying anything at all anymore.

But here's the thing. I'm starting to get the little fluttery feelings and because of them, I'm really starting to want to tear down all of these walls. I know I'm weakened by pain and of my failed expectations in myself, but that weakness is going to get me through. It will be my strength, my iron rod to which I have alluded so many times that will rebuild me...not my walls...stronger than before.

I'm excited in a way I have never been, which is both scary and exciting. Here's the worse sign: I'm starting to compose verses in my head. Anyone who knows me really well knows that when I start writing my verses, I'm serious. I've got this conglomeration of French, Spanish, and English floating around that I have to sort and make the best that I can. I know I've got one that's really big for me...but it's in French. So I'll render some kind of translation. Accentuation sucks on blogger, so don't go about fixing my French grammar!

Quand je vois dans tes yeux
Je vois la liberte du ciel et
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est voler dans ceux comme un oiseau

Quand je suis dans tes bras
Je me sens un monde sans peur
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est etre dans ceux par tout ma vie.

Quand j'entend la melodie de ta voix
J'entend a la musique d'un dieu
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est que mon anime danse et sourisse

Quand je suis avec toi
Je suis tant heureux
Et tout que je savais
C'est que je veux etre avec toi.

It sounds a LOT better in French, but for you Anglophiles out there, here's something of what it is in English:


When I look in your eyes
I see the freedom of the skies
The only thing I want
Is to fly in them like a bird

When I am in your arms
I feel a world without fear
The only thing I want
Is to be in them for my life (this line is a bad translation...)

When I hear the melody of your voice
I hear the music of a god
The only thing I want
Is for my soul to dance and to smile

When I am with you
I am so happy
And all I know
Is that I want to be with you.

Yeah...

I'm just waiting on those walls to fall...

Wine+blogging Round 3

Unfortunately, I had a rather large glass of white wine about two hours ago, and it's still pounding away in my head. So my post will be slightly more honest than many are used to with you, and on the other hand, it's going to be incredibly spastic.

My life is in total flux right now, among trying to pick grad schol programs, figuring myself out, trying to deal with this 'possible' relationship situation, working, paying off bills, figuring out why I don't sleep well at night, and just balancing.

I suppose I'll take each topic at a time.

Grad school: I am totally uncertain here. Part of me thinks "science", n large part because it involves a lot of money, a secure job, and a chance to do something constructive. Another part thinks "history" because I love it, ditto for langauges. Basically, I'm fielding between PhD and MA in the following fields: History, European History, Epidemiology, Public Health, Hazardous Microbes and Emerging Diseases+National Bioterrorism Defense, Spanish, French, and Teaching English as a Second Language. Suffice it to say, options 1 and my last one are actually the ones most appealing to me. I mean, learning French and Spanish (in both of which I am rapidly approaching fluency), has been a big help to the TESL option, and starting Arabic and Russian thsi year would make me more marketable. History I have discussed thoroughly, and I don't see why I cannot do both.

Me: I'll save this for last.

Relationship: Some of you are a little more aware than others of my situation (discretion still appreciated!!!). This is largely due to facebook, but any readers who are unaware of details may ask there. But basically, I've set things up for the last month on my own. I've done three dinners and flowers (not at a miniscule cost either...I had to find lavendar [how??]), and I'm thinking about another one on Friday to the zoo, which would fortunately cost me nothing, and then something simple like Panera afterwards. There are a couple of things that bother me. Despite all of these signals, and a pretty explicit reference towards a sort of 'official' deal, it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. I mean, I've basically initiated all contact (I've only been called once, and that was to thank me for sending flowers), I've arranged everything thus far. I'm starting to think that this was a failed effort on my part. I get the feeling that I'm jumping to conclusions very early, like I frequently do, which is why I intend on at least continuing through the first week in August. At this point, it'll basically be a month and a half, and I'm going to need some kind of sign by then, otherwise, I'm wasting a lot of time here trying to find something that isn't there. Considering that this is the first time I've been even really interested in forming one, I think a large amount it is due to me (see below), and the rest due to my inexperience.

Working: I work 40 hours a week near a bunch of bitchy people, and by Sunday night, I am totally drained. I am still committed to finishing these last three months, but then what?

Bills: I still have about $1400 in credit card debt. About half of that will be cut in the rest of this month, but I am really tired of seeing such a large number NOT changing. By the time I pay it off, I'm going to have to consider tuition for fall.

I cannot sleep. I get maybe 4 or 5 hours a night when I aim for 9-10. I'm so tired it's not funny.

Me. I'm the problem in all of this, and it's simple why. I actually cannot stand myself. I'm not sure if I would say an active loathing, but it's pretty close. When I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with the image I see, and nor am I happy with the actual person I see there. I feel a LOT of anger, a lot of pain, and at least some level of hate. If I could, I'd like to grab him in the neck and strangle him so I can see him in physical, instead of emotional pain.

My self-esteem is based on totally unrealistic expectations, because NOTHING is ever enough. I'm unsatisfied with everything, which can be productive, but for me, it's a burden that never ends. Nothing I do is satisfactory, and I project it onto others at times. I'm constantly suspicious of other people, even my own family. My relationships are seriously damaged by who I am. It's true that they say when you don't love yourself, you cannot ever really accept that anything else does. On a conscious level, I can rationally equate actions and statements with evidence, but underneath that is this dark thing that quashes reason, and insists that I'm someone not worth loving. Thanks to it, I actively reject love. I drive myself into as much solitude as possible, to guarantee my emotional loneliness all of my days, until at last I slip into oblivion.

Ironically, it's very easy to give it. The inclination, rejected by myself, looks outward. I should be totally cynical (I am VERY cynical ,but not totally), but I so desperately need my affections to be accepted by someone to realize that my life is not totally meaningless. I can give love away like CRAZY, which is part of the reason why I'm oddly quite compassionate. I really do want other people to be happy, because I don't want others to fall as low as I have. If I can take my suffering and self-loathing and convert it into better lives for other people and to give them some level of happiness, I can somehow justify my being. But I'm losing my faith in my ability to survive through my trials. I not all suicidal or anything (been there done that already, not interested), because I think that my own torture is stronger by making myself live as painful and as long a life as possible, filled with rejection, both from within and from outside myself. Some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going.

It's the reason that I want my life to totally end when I die. I don't want an afterlife, because while I can tolerate this for my mortal life, going on like this without cessation is unimaginable. I would prefer to just disperse and to stop being. Many times, I wish that the child that my mom was supposed to have before me lived and I was the miscarried child. There never would have been a me, and I would not have ever had this pain that I constantly carry with me.

The really sad thing is that there really is no way to break this addiction, because every attempt to change me only results in an affirmation of my original affirmation.

With respect to my relationship issues, I consciously realize that I should not put this other person in the situation that would happen if it solidifies. I would worship and move heaven and earth just to give a smidgen of happiness, but I would never really be able to accept that fac that I might be loved too. It's not fair to do that to someone. Could you imagine being married to someone who never thought that you loved him (all my readers are girls, methinks...)? It's not right to hurt someone like that, which is why I'm so hesitant, and why I think I need to stop my emotions and my attractions NOW, before I do start hearing back. I need to draw the line and say honestly why it can't really work, and that I would like to maintain friendship, because it doesn't involve the same levels of deep, intense love that might complicate my situation any further. Friendship tends towards conditionality, and conditionality is that under which I have lived.

Now that you are all thoroughly depressed...

Guess what? Ray's got a second date!!!!

General advice

Hey everyone, I'm trying to come up with a list of things I should purchase in the next year to facilitate my moving out process. These are things that I have now that are already in my possession:

1. Bed with headboard, 3 sets of sheets, 3 quilts
2. Two bookcases
3. 1 set of drawers
4. Full set of cookware, full 4x set of dishes
5. Desk

Things I know I need:

1. Other general kitchenware (silverware, cutting utensils, baking set, measuring equipment, etc.)
2. Some kind of table/chairs for eating
3. Perhaps some kind of chair for sitting
4. Lighting fixtures (i.e. lamps)
5. COFFEE MAKER

What other things would you recommend me try to purchase within the next months (as I pay off my credit card and build my savings back to at least $2000....) that I could use long-term for sole living? Aside from a set of testicles, which I am always lacking...

La moitie

I say that because I'm at a lot of halfway points right now. Par example, I just finished one half of my accounting course tonight, although I only got a 90% on my test, it feels good to be approaching some kind of finality to that course. I don't like it, and if I could drop and recover any of my money, I would, but at this point, I'm committed.



I'm also trying to sell off a few of my things that I don't want anymore like Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives seasons that I don't really care to see any longer. I'm hoping that I can use those proceeds to offset some of my debts. I've always ahd the policy of donating things if I don't think that I could sell them, but if I can, then I'm totally going to try. If anyone is interested, I'm selling seasons 1-3 of Grey's for $45 and 1 and 3 of DH for $35.



Other than that, I'm trying to survive my ridiculous number of work hours and aiming on keeping one of my original New Year's resolutions, which is to read all of the books I have before I go out and buy more. I've probably got about 15,000 pages to read, which will make my goal difficult, but my aim right now is a book a week. I think that's pretty reasonable.



Not much more to say right now...perhaps more later?

W.O.W.

Well, the brain just lost a huge battle. In fact, this kind of loss is the kind that loses wars. In fact, I hope the brain loses or at least comes over to our side, because this is wow.

I should always remember Fanny's advice: beware of swoons.

It's kind of late. I swooned.

I can't describe it, but suffice it to say that there was definitely some chemistry. By some, I mean a lot.

ugh, I can't think of what to say, if you have questions, ask! I'll send messages on facebook.

Let's just say that if it wasn't for my parents not knowing about this, I would be totally open.

Crap

Shit people, I'm nervous. Send good wishes!

Guess what?

So, guess what, peeps.

Ray's got a hot date!!!!

Ugh, I was nervous. But I prayed a quick Ave Maria, which is like my life line, and called. I was smooth (now I'm cocky, but hey, I got a yes on try #1). I was direct, and I was all, yeah. Pretty good.

So basically what happened was as soon as I hear "Hello?" I'm all "hey, how's it going?"
"doing good, how bout you?" "Not too bad, hey, I was calling to know if you would be interested in going to dinner with me some time next week". I did not lead in. I came out swinging. Probably not tactful, but it got a yes. I then assured that there were no moral food oppositions (Im morally opposed to sweet tea, for example). After clearing up all places that served sweet tea and chicken in a biscuit, I implied it was a surprise wher we'd go. I'm picking up too...in my 2000 Ford Taurus. Which I am going to have to clean, which will instantly arouse my parents' suspicions. I haven't cleaned my car in like 18 months (it's not nasty or anything), and when they see me doing it, they're going to be all "ok, what's the deal?". But, the good thing is that I need an oil change on Monday, so I can justify cleaning it for the oil people.

It's this Thursday (I work all weekend versus conflicting interests in Mon-Wed), 6PM. I've got reservations made already (I'm totally NOT telling anyone. No lookey loos.).

Now, I need some more help. I know I should just be assertive and confident, but like I said, I don't want to be too over the top.

Question 1:
This is what I have in mind for clothes: a black button up long sleeve shirt, dark khaki pants, and brown shoes (not tennis, obviously). Is this the right amount for a west-side restaurant? I don't want to look too dressy, but not too casual.

Question 2:
Obligations. Am I obligated to bring some kind of gift on date one? I know flowers is pretty traditional, but I am not a big fan of giving something like a rose. Life is not the Bachelor. No matter how much I may want 25 total strangers cat-fighting for me, I am not, in fact, that amazing. I quite like alstromerias, so I thought it would be something different. IDEAS?

Question 3:
Time. What is the appropriate length of time for a first date. I am thinking 2 hours?

Question 4:
Appropriate level of contact. I'm a bit of a puritan, so trust me, there will be absolutely no lip contact of any kind. I know a lot of people expect that on a first date nowadays, but I am old-fashioned. What is an appropriate level of contact that demonstrates interest, but doesn't cross puritanical lines? (Contingent of course on chemistry).

Question 5:
What are two questions that you would NEVER ask, and what are two you think I should definitely ask?

Question 6:
Am I totally bollocks insane?

By the way, I would totally gloat, but we're facebook friends, so I have to keep hush-hush on this one....

Shit, people. I'm gonna do it....

Seriously?

So, I suppose it happens to the best of us. It had to happen to me at some point. Just had to. I think about Shania in times like this. Not the whole fucktard bastard cheating on you deal, but the whole "I'm a successful, (mostly) independent, guy who suddenly gets hit by this bus"

My bus is obviously figurative.

Ray's gotten hit by the love bug, methinks.

Here's the thing. My brain--totally losing the war this time. I mean, every other time that I've had any kind of interest in someone, the brain has shut it down in short order. I mean, sure, the interest remained for a while, but the brain really killed any chance of anything happening.

For once, though, my brain is totally and completely outmanned and outgunned. It might last for a few more days, at best. But really, it's going to lose. In fact, the brain was successful with this same certain someone (No names yet...there are readers who may know about whom I am talking, so I can't take any chances yet...) last year. But the brain failed to extinguish. It lost a couple of battles, but it looks like it's going to lose the war.

That's really scary for me. I've never seriously considered acting on these impulses, and when you're 16, it's supposed to be awkward. At 22 (ish), you're supposed to be more refined. But me? Not really. I've got the jittery school-boy nerves. I've got that whole "I'm absolutely terrified of rejection" thing.

So, dear friends, I need some advice. And for a change, I'm going to be explicit.

So, basic details: yes, we have conversed on multiple occasions both via internet and in person. No, I have not managed to scare off anyone yet (ALWAYS a plus with me). No, I absolutely refuse to do dinner and a movie, because you don't even talk or look at each other for 90 minutes, por lo menos.

Ok, so, here are the tfour questions to which I NEED answers ASAP:

1. How do I do the whole asking out thing? (i.e., do I make it clear that I want this to be a date, or do I go with the whole "hey, do you want to go hang out here" thing?)

2. What would be the ideal first date locale/theme (correct word?)?

3. FASHION ADVICE: How do I do my hair, clothes, etc. so that I look impressive, but not over-the-top? I want to look competitive, not disinterested, but I don't want to look creepy either.

4. Or should I just give up now?

Dammit

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. DAMMIT.

Let's keep track of the war in my mind over the last month between my brain and my emotions.

Life before May: Brain 300 versus Emotions 4

During May: Emotions 3, Brain 3.

June: Emotions 3, Brain 1.

Tonight: Emotions 5, Brain 0.

How?

God, I could use someone to talk to right now......