Distraught

I'm upset by many things right now in my life.

The first, an most painful, right now is the job situation. I've sent out tons of applications and I've heard nothing. Really discouraging not to get at least an interview. I'm trying to reach the stage in my life where I can spread my wings, and fate deigns that I work for $8.02 an hour (barely enough to pay rent, much less eat, drive, learn). I'm trying to find a job that pays health care, because my parents have this moral issue with me not having health care, and if something happened, they would pay for it. I'm going to apply for four or five more tomorrow, but I'm not expecting success by any standard.

The next problem is my never-ending personal problem. I hate it. That's enough to say, I think.

The next is that I've eaten a whole cheesecake in about 24 hours. I'm really sick to my stomach.

My brain is really reasserting itself. My financial situation combined with school starting allows my pragmatic side to strongly reassert, and whenever it asserts in one field (especially finances), it has the capability to control all of my faculties. It's doing so now.

I wish I had the will-power and sufficient self-loathing to commit to a total oath of celibacy. The thing is that there's this light and poofy part of me that hopes that my failures (like me) can be rectified. My only hope is that the pragmatic side crushes these childish hopes and dreams. I'm not worth loving. At least I'm decent enough to keep myself out of the picture, I figure. Imagine being in love with someone who cannot accept the fact that you love him. You can buy him whatever you want, you could give him the world, hell, you could die for him, and it wouldn't be enough, because he loathes himself so much that he rejects the love of other people.

I know myself better than anyone else, and if I don't think I'm worth it, why should anyone else?

I keep thinking about how little I do for others. I sit here, bitching and moaning, and there are people somewhere suffering for the good of others. I volunteer at the hospital, which alleviates the work load for the nurses, but I don't really get my hands dirty. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a mission trip of some kind. Not one where you go to El Salvador, build a basketball court, and leave; but one where a significant part of your life is spend in an area, and you sacrifice everything to give of yourself. If I could do that from March to August next year or something like that, I would love it. But, money is the great bitch again. How do I fly there? How do I sustain myself ?

Always burdensome.

I need a breakthrough somewhere. I sort of had one last night, since I had a dream in French (first time EVER, which means I am starting to make the connections necessary to think in French, and whilst writing this, I was doing a little bit of that thinking in French, [YAY, only 3 years, as opposed to the 10 it took for Spanish!]), but I need a profound breakthrough.