Solitude

I find it pretty weird that whenever I have solitude, I don't want it at all, but whenever I really want it, there is none to be had.


July's over yesterday, which brings an end to a tortuous month for me. Lots of ups and downs (mostly downs), but all in all, one with which I am not highly satisfied.

These last few days, like most in the last couple of months, have been really revelatory. I've learned a few things, and for once, I don't tend to think that they are over-exaggerations of my typical variety.


First, I belong in Ireland. I've alluded to it quite a bit, but everyone who reads this is pretty much facebook friends with me, and as soon as I post this, I'm going to post my defense on Ireland. Essentially, I'm a part of it, it of me. It's the one thing that brings light into my world and give me hope. The only hope I really have any more is that someday I can return to the one land that felt like home to me and to really live up to being Eireannach.

Second, I am in no way ready for a relationship. It's good that the man in whom I was interested sort of distanced himself long enough for me to get my head together. I am not financially stable in any means right now that suggests relationship material. Furthermore, I have too many goals: grad school, saving money, getting home--that prevent me from being emotionally committed. Emotional commitment is always going to be hard because I've spent so little energy emotionally committing to myself. Intellectually, I have, and it's enough for me, but intellectualism is a lonely comfort. It doesn't lend to being a good mate.

Suffice it to say, I'm a lot more hurt than I let on.

All in all, I'm sure God's work at torturing me is making his amusement. I mean, why the hell would this amazing guy come in my life, someone in whom I am totally interested, only to have it snatched away? It's been this way about almost everything--I get something I want, admission into graduate school or some good universities, and the 'little' things get in the way. I would give up a lot of my goals to have it, but it's hard to break through "no".

I've had a long experience of unrequited intentions, and it's sickening how many of them I've had. It doesn't matter how much I show I'm interested, I've never been able to phase people towards me. It's been an external validation of the fact that I don't think I matter.

I'm trying to break out of this cycle of self-hatred and despair, but it's hard whenever I try, my external circumstances make everything that much more difficult, and seemingly confirm that I just don't measure up.

I do have one area where I am about to claim victory. It's not a big one, but it's a victory that I'll take. Little battles help me a lot.

I had a difficult drive to work today.

I'm sorry I'm so spastic. My neat little world has become in too short a time messy and chaotic, and I have to spend a lot of time trying to fix it.

It sucks being so alone in this world. The only comforts I have really are my books and the insane amount of work I make myself do. It probably doesn't help that most of my nucleus of friends has moved away in the last four years. I only have a couple of people who actually live in COS who I meet at all.

If I could cry, I would.