Wine+blogging Round 3

Unfortunately, I had a rather large glass of white wine about two hours ago, and it's still pounding away in my head. So my post will be slightly more honest than many are used to with you, and on the other hand, it's going to be incredibly spastic.

My life is in total flux right now, among trying to pick grad schol programs, figuring myself out, trying to deal with this 'possible' relationship situation, working, paying off bills, figuring out why I don't sleep well at night, and just balancing.

I suppose I'll take each topic at a time.

Grad school: I am totally uncertain here. Part of me thinks "science", n large part because it involves a lot of money, a secure job, and a chance to do something constructive. Another part thinks "history" because I love it, ditto for langauges. Basically, I'm fielding between PhD and MA in the following fields: History, European History, Epidemiology, Public Health, Hazardous Microbes and Emerging Diseases+National Bioterrorism Defense, Spanish, French, and Teaching English as a Second Language. Suffice it to say, options 1 and my last one are actually the ones most appealing to me. I mean, learning French and Spanish (in both of which I am rapidly approaching fluency), has been a big help to the TESL option, and starting Arabic and Russian thsi year would make me more marketable. History I have discussed thoroughly, and I don't see why I cannot do both.

Me: I'll save this for last.

Relationship: Some of you are a little more aware than others of my situation (discretion still appreciated!!!). This is largely due to facebook, but any readers who are unaware of details may ask there. But basically, I've set things up for the last month on my own. I've done three dinners and flowers (not at a miniscule cost either...I had to find lavendar [how??]), and I'm thinking about another one on Friday to the zoo, which would fortunately cost me nothing, and then something simple like Panera afterwards. There are a couple of things that bother me. Despite all of these signals, and a pretty explicit reference towards a sort of 'official' deal, it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. I mean, I've basically initiated all contact (I've only been called once, and that was to thank me for sending flowers), I've arranged everything thus far. I'm starting to think that this was a failed effort on my part. I get the feeling that I'm jumping to conclusions very early, like I frequently do, which is why I intend on at least continuing through the first week in August. At this point, it'll basically be a month and a half, and I'm going to need some kind of sign by then, otherwise, I'm wasting a lot of time here trying to find something that isn't there. Considering that this is the first time I've been even really interested in forming one, I think a large amount it is due to me (see below), and the rest due to my inexperience.

Working: I work 40 hours a week near a bunch of bitchy people, and by Sunday night, I am totally drained. I am still committed to finishing these last three months, but then what?

Bills: I still have about $1400 in credit card debt. About half of that will be cut in the rest of this month, but I am really tired of seeing such a large number NOT changing. By the time I pay it off, I'm going to have to consider tuition for fall.

I cannot sleep. I get maybe 4 or 5 hours a night when I aim for 9-10. I'm so tired it's not funny.

Me. I'm the problem in all of this, and it's simple why. I actually cannot stand myself. I'm not sure if I would say an active loathing, but it's pretty close. When I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with the image I see, and nor am I happy with the actual person I see there. I feel a LOT of anger, a lot of pain, and at least some level of hate. If I could, I'd like to grab him in the neck and strangle him so I can see him in physical, instead of emotional pain.

My self-esteem is based on totally unrealistic expectations, because NOTHING is ever enough. I'm unsatisfied with everything, which can be productive, but for me, it's a burden that never ends. Nothing I do is satisfactory, and I project it onto others at times. I'm constantly suspicious of other people, even my own family. My relationships are seriously damaged by who I am. It's true that they say when you don't love yourself, you cannot ever really accept that anything else does. On a conscious level, I can rationally equate actions and statements with evidence, but underneath that is this dark thing that quashes reason, and insists that I'm someone not worth loving. Thanks to it, I actively reject love. I drive myself into as much solitude as possible, to guarantee my emotional loneliness all of my days, until at last I slip into oblivion.

Ironically, it's very easy to give it. The inclination, rejected by myself, looks outward. I should be totally cynical (I am VERY cynical ,but not totally), but I so desperately need my affections to be accepted by someone to realize that my life is not totally meaningless. I can give love away like CRAZY, which is part of the reason why I'm oddly quite compassionate. I really do want other people to be happy, because I don't want others to fall as low as I have. If I can take my suffering and self-loathing and convert it into better lives for other people and to give them some level of happiness, I can somehow justify my being. But I'm losing my faith in my ability to survive through my trials. I not all suicidal or anything (been there done that already, not interested), because I think that my own torture is stronger by making myself live as painful and as long a life as possible, filled with rejection, both from within and from outside myself. Some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going.

It's the reason that I want my life to totally end when I die. I don't want an afterlife, because while I can tolerate this for my mortal life, going on like this without cessation is unimaginable. I would prefer to just disperse and to stop being. Many times, I wish that the child that my mom was supposed to have before me lived and I was the miscarried child. There never would have been a me, and I would not have ever had this pain that I constantly carry with me.

The really sad thing is that there really is no way to break this addiction, because every attempt to change me only results in an affirmation of my original affirmation.

With respect to my relationship issues, I consciously realize that I should not put this other person in the situation that would happen if it solidifies. I would worship and move heaven and earth just to give a smidgen of happiness, but I would never really be able to accept that fac that I might be loved too. It's not fair to do that to someone. Could you imagine being married to someone who never thought that you loved him (all my readers are girls, methinks...)? It's not right to hurt someone like that, which is why I'm so hesitant, and why I think I need to stop my emotions and my attractions NOW, before I do start hearing back. I need to draw the line and say honestly why it can't really work, and that I would like to maintain friendship, because it doesn't involve the same levels of deep, intense love that might complicate my situation any further. Friendship tends towards conditionality, and conditionality is that under which I have lived.

Now that you are all thoroughly depressed...