So...I've Given Up

Yeah, I know I'm only 22, but I've given up hope that another man is going to see me for something other than a slab of meat to be used as he wants. One of the things that sucks about 22 is that I'm looked at as immature, solely interested in sex, and filled with drama. I'm sick of it. Then, as soon as age starts to show on me, no one will really look at me.

So I figure it's time now to just accept the fact that I'm going to be single my whole life and that instead of wondering, I'm just going to work hard, like I've always done, and occupy myself as best I can in other ways. This doesn't mean that my feelings towards Thom are diminished at all, but I realize that neither he nor anyone else will seriously look at me. Case in point-the last three guys I was chatting with online I bored. And these weren't guys looking for a hook-up either.

Eh, it's okay I guess. It means I'll be spending less money, I suppose. Dinner for one is a WHOLE lot cheaper than dinner for two.

Besides, with my realization that I am indeed totally undesirable, I can get back to working on my foreign languages, reading my books, and figuring out how to stress myself out. I'm starting the search for a third job on weekends and Friday mornings.

If I occupy myself enough, I won't have time to think about any of this.

In good news, my savings account has just crossed $1000 for the first time in AGES. My credit card is down to about $650, but will probably go up again because I'm going bowling tonight (alone, alas), and then tomorrow I'll be paying for dinner with Thom. Yes, I know. I'm already prepping myself not to get my hopes up at all, despite the fact that I know the moment I see him my heart will leap, and I'll get that googly look in my eyes when we're looking at each other and I see something different in him than he does in me. I already know what's going to happen with everything. I'm going to have to pretend I'm okay with being just friends, when deep down it tears me apart, and I don't want it to show because he'll feel weird or bad or whatever. I'll avoid being serious at all costs--even if it means being eaten alive for it.

I'm going to play a game of Dice Wars and then go to bowl.