No wine this time

So, I have mentioned it on my facebook, but I have reverse SAD. I get depressed when the weather turns to summer, and it really has only started being summer for the last two or three weeks in Colorado, and I have about three more weeks to go before I adapt completely.

I got my sign. Actually, probably about ten or twenty of them. I dunno, folks. That whole austere and controlled and isolated me is starting to lose its grip. I'm definitely exposed, and that dark figure, I've really learned is me. Part of me can feel the walls being bulldozed around me, and when I anticipated on the assault coming like a ton of bricks, the way it has turned out is that there are more cracks in my foundation than the guard who keeps me in can fill. For the first time, I've been able to be honest, and just that little bit has exposed a lot of false intentions about me. I'm actually almost ok with being totally honest (there are still the issues involving parents. I know that one would not approve of anything I'm doing here, the other is somewhat circumspect. Fortunately, I have a sister who will basically whoop ass), and if asked, I have no problem saying anything at all anymore.

But here's the thing. I'm starting to get the little fluttery feelings and because of them, I'm really starting to want to tear down all of these walls. I know I'm weakened by pain and of my failed expectations in myself, but that weakness is going to get me through. It will be my strength, my iron rod to which I have alluded so many times that will rebuild me...not my walls...stronger than before.

I'm excited in a way I have never been, which is both scary and exciting. Here's the worse sign: I'm starting to compose verses in my head. Anyone who knows me really well knows that when I start writing my verses, I'm serious. I've got this conglomeration of French, Spanish, and English floating around that I have to sort and make the best that I can. I know I've got one that's really big for me...but it's in French. So I'll render some kind of translation. Accentuation sucks on blogger, so don't go about fixing my French grammar!

Quand je vois dans tes yeux
Je vois la liberte du ciel et
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est voler dans ceux comme un oiseau

Quand je suis dans tes bras
Je me sens un monde sans peur
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est etre dans ceux par tout ma vie.

Quand j'entend la melodie de ta voix
J'entend a la musique d'un dieu
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est que mon anime danse et sourisse

Quand je suis avec toi
Je suis tant heureux
Et tout que je savais
C'est que je veux etre avec toi.

It sounds a LOT better in French, but for you Anglophiles out there, here's something of what it is in English:


When I look in your eyes
I see the freedom of the skies
The only thing I want
Is to fly in them like a bird

When I am in your arms
I feel a world without fear
The only thing I want
Is to be in them for my life (this line is a bad translation...)

When I hear the melody of your voice
I hear the music of a god
The only thing I want
Is for my soul to dance and to smile

When I am with you
I am so happy
And all I know
Is that I want to be with you.

Yeah...

I'm just waiting on those walls to fall...