Yes, I must admit that it is time to write another blog, in part to discuss the banality of my life for my long-term historical preservation records, but also to discuss further developments in my aim for recovery.
I suppose banality is a good place to start. My summer classes are such a drain that it's not even funny. I still have two big assignments in homeland defense over the next two weeks. My last test was tragic. I got an 81%, however my other tests have left me at an A. I still have to write a term paper on food contamination and to take the final exam, which will probably be next Monday, mainly because I'm off then.
Accounting is so close to done it's not even funny. I'll probably get a B, but that's because I just don't effing care. The class is stupid. I have to do one more discussion and then I have to take the final exam (released on Tuesday), and I'll be done.
Work is much the same, work 5-8 hours at a time and conduct the same routines each day. I must say that my language skills have advanced considerably. By the end of August, I'll be at 5th semester level French, I'll have reviewed Spanish completely, I'll be through 2 semesters of Italian grammar (I need to boost vocabulary a LOT---I only know about 300 Italian words), and I'll have reviewed one semester's worth of Latin and Greek.
At that point, I'll be starting Arabic, so Spanish will probably have to go for a while. I decided not to take Russian right now because I don't really have $1000 to do it. I'm really considering not taking the second semester of medical terminology, but I could just push really hard over two weeks and just finish it.
My money situation is improving quite a bit. My savings has recovered to about $600 from its low last month of $45, and my credit card debt is down to 1078. I've got about 70 dollars in change that I want to put towards my travel fund but it would be wiser to augment either situation. The thing is when money sits around in change, I DON'T SPEND IT. So I normally don't like putting it into the bank until it's at $100, por lo menos.
I'm still looking around for a second job, even if it only pays like $50 extra a week. Any COS natives that have ideas could forward them to me...
I'm also trying to sell a few books, but have had no replies. If nothing comes up over the next week, I'm going to take the massive hit at UCCS selling these books, but the $20 or so is better than staring at the books sitting on my shelves never used.
I have to work tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday, but fortunately, I have nights this weekend, so my Fri-Sun mornings are off. I'm going to take this opportunity to use one morning for a much needed zoo trip with someone special--quickly followed by Panera.
The problem is that I jsut heard my sister is going to be going to the zoo on Saturday at 10. The LAST thing I need is to be there and she goes "Who is that you're here with?", only to promptly come home the next day and tell mom and dad "I saw Ray at the zoo!" I can only imagine how much worse it could get. I suppose I'll hope much for Friday, if that fails, then Sunday. If all options fail, date suggestions for mornings are highly appreciated.
Speaking in further detail on this, I have clearly been smitten, and it's been noticed in certain circles, namely my other sister, with whom I have been totally honest in this whole process. I want them to sort of act as a balance to my emotions. Most people tell me to ignore the whole rational thing, but I can't just ignore that side, and so she's the one most likely to tell me the extent of what I need to hear. Her suggestion though is that we all go alligator wrestling or hike a 14,000 foot mountain together. I was thinking something along the lines of coffee or lunch one day...not putting our lives in danger as a bonding thing.
So, I also have decided to be honest with my fabulous readers (all 5 of them, maybe, and at least 2 already know everything), I still require discretion, because the response of my parents is still a vital factor. Basically, the reason I have been very vague on my blogs about all of this and the reason my parents would be disapproving is that I'm sort-of (still not official yet, dammit) dating a guy...
Yes, the rhyming pattern does apply, I am interested in people who look more like me than not anatomically. It's not a shock, I don't think really, but it's been a huge contributing factor to my whole life as a problem situation, because I always looked at it like some kind of tortuous curse that the fates decided to inflict upon me for their sick twisted purposes. I kind of figured that since the rest of the universe hated people like me, why shouldn't I? I went through all kinds of hell because I think other people knew who I was before I did, and they treated me negatively for it.
He told me that people like us either fall into the world of addiction to escape, or we overwork ourselves to the point of exhaustion so that we can create our little perfect world where being gay doesn't matter, because you have literally worked it out of yourself. Either way's really false.
I mentioned that I've had a big breakthrough, in part because I've really actually accepted this. At first, I was sort of all, ok, let's make sure...collection of data is the foundation of experimental analysis. But I'm sort of pulled in hook, line ,and sinker. I am so happy when I'm around him, it's not even funny. Well, it is, because I thought I would be the last person in the world to feel this way.
I used to ask God, "why did you do this to me?" in a tone that was sort of angry, sort of perilous, and sort of defeated. But recently, I've been asking "what did I ever do that could ever make up for being around this wonderful person?" I've been a bit more active in my creencias ever since I've rekindled this. I'm obviously still conflicted between my general support of a more Catholic theology and moral view and the fact that I don't like the priesthood very much and that I feel really excluded. He's someone who challenges me on an intellectual level (rarely accomplished before because of my breadth of knowledge) and on a level of being a better person. And he himself is fundamentally good, which is all I really want.
I know we've only sort of gone out for a little over a month, but I actually had a crush on him about a year ago, and I ran away because I was afraid of letting the beast out of its box. I'm effing glad I learned my lesson.
The reason I've been listening to "Isn't Life Strange" over and over is because that's the route my life has been taking.
My parents' reactions when they hear/know are going to be divergent. My mom has told me she doesn't care who I am or who I'm with so long as I'm a good person with someone who treats me right. She'll probably be upset that I've been lying to her, but after a couple of weeks, she'll be totally ok with it. She's not yet on the ok with same-sex marriages bandwagon, but I think afterwards, she will be.
I wouldn't mind telling her, but that would require her lying to my dad, which is a position in which I don't want to put her. It's not fair to ask one parent to lie to the other.
My dad though is going to be a HUGE problem. I am already a disappointment to my dad on a lot of levels; not going into the military (first Schultz in like 4 generations not to), I didn't get into a good graduate school, I've sort of messed up my college experience, I'm not laden with cash, etc. His number one moral topic of preaching is about gay people, how they shouldn't breed, get married, or really be allowed to be together in public. He's basically really homophobic. I know he would stop talking to me for a while, and he would never go to a wedding of mine or even meet with a bf. It'll be tough to say the least. But it's ok, I'm already a disappointment to him, so he'll just be even more-so. It's not like I will be treated that differently.
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2 comments:
Soooo, dirty little secret time: Sometimes I don't read your posts--I just skim them. Today I was reading stuff past "the big reveal" and thought, "wait, did I miss something?" and had to read the whole thing over again...That'll teach me to skim!
Anyways. I'm glad you do have someone in your life that you can be honest with (your other sister?) Congrats on sharing more of yourself with your online semi-more-anonymous group. I really hope that someday (mabybe a few months from now--maybe years from now) you can share all of yourself with your immediate family too.
Buena Suerte mi amigo!
Hi! You don't know me, but K pointed me toward your blog since I've been in a similar boat as you in my recent past. You may not like my advice very much......but here goes!!
If your dad's initial reaction is one of scornful contempt, let it go. It takes everyone by shock at first. Also, denial is a reliable phase he will go through, if he's anything like my dad -- insisting for as long as possible that you're just "going through a phase." You know, a gay phase. Like everyone else who struggles almost their whole life to come out to their parents. Ha!
Anyway, let it go for a while. I don't know how long. Guess it depends on how long you can tolerate your dad's naivete. After a while, if he's still being an asshole about it, and just as intolerant of homosexuals as he was before he found out his own son might be one, then you just have to move on. Realize that he's old and curmudgeonly, and he's probably past the point where he can radically change his viewpoint of how the world actually works. Forgive him, but tolerate him only as much as you can stand him. If you need to take "breaks" from him, do so. If you can only visit at Thanksgiving and Christmas, don't feel guilty about it -- toxic influences are toxic influences.
I mean, really -- after you give him enough time to get over it, if he's still being a self-righteous asshole about your orientation, it's really all about your seeking your dad's approval, and like you said at the end of your blog post here, you already feel like you're never going to earn it. If that's the case, then I suggest you pick a new person's approval to seek -- your own. When you learn how to live for yourself, you quickly find that the only people you worry about anymore are the people who really matter to you.
One bit I found interesting: "I'm obviously still conflicted between my general support of a more Catholic theology and moral view and the fact that I don't like the priesthood very much and that I feel really excluded." I'm kind of amazed that, as a fellow homosexual, you still feel supportive of Catholicism. Nothing against your faith in a god or your own personal enjoyment of the rituals, but I've always found Catholicism to be woefully out of date and behind the times. I mean, it wasn't until the 1990s that they apologized for that whole locking-up-Galileo-for-saying-the-planets-went-around-the-sun thing. So when will they apologize for condemning homosexual acts? 2309? I'd be curious to read your viewpoints on this.
Hang in there! You're doing the right thing by taking the path toward coming out...it's a far happier place to be in, when all the dust finally settles. :]
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