Ugh

I'm tired. In part because I am in the midst of a marathon set of 12 straight days of working at least 5 hours a day. I'm also mentally tired, tired of trying to sort things out about my life, who I am, and all those other general annoyances that I've had to deal with over the last few weeks.

I'm tired of fighting, but I won't surrender. I'm tired of trying, but I won't give up. Obstinancy seems to have too much control over who I am.

Well, besides my cryptic messages, I have finally started my summer semester, to great fanfare. I've finished most of my homework for the week already. I do have to write some kind of an email about my competence in homeland security and my interest in bio-chemical warfare as well as work on an online accounting assignment. It doesn't seem too bad.

What I hate about accounting so far is the vocabulary. Technical business language and I don't get along too well. Actually, come to think of it, any technical language doesn't mesh well with me. In the midst of learning all of these languages, I have tried to embrace more communicative sides of things. Of course, this is ironic, because I am the most uncommunicative person ever, both on personal and professional levels.

Last night though was different. It was the first night in weeks that I have not been preoccupied with this problem, as I finally got to go out an actually do something aside from work. It's somewhat difficult living at home, because I just can't deal with anything with my family around. It's all a constant struggle of supression.

Cognitive dissonance and I are not good friends. I like being certain of things, and like every other scientist or historian, I also like to ignore unwelcome evidence that suggests there is very little personally about which I can be certain. Of course, part of my problem is that I am constantly trying to take a rational approach to purely emotional issues. In addition, my emotions are constantly at war with each other because of social impressions and the ever so constant cliche that demands that we follow our dreams and whatever.

The excitement of this week has slowed. Life seems to be returning to its normal routine, where I work in order to throw more money at my credit card, I take classes that in the end will do nothing for me, and I work so that I can do it all again.

I must say however, that my French reinvigoration efforts have been VERY successful over the last few days. My present tense conjugations are almost perfect, and I've probably refreshed on at least 400-500 words and picked up about 50-60 more. My efforts on improving my Spanish vocabulary, especially my medical terminology in Spanish, as well as trying to get my German back to full second semester level will return as I get back on the French boat.

Well, c5a c'est tout pour maintenant. Je n'ai pas beaucoup de choses que faire cet nuit, en suite, peut-etre, je vais aller avec ma cousin et notre amie a une bar. Je peux faire mes devoirs de securite aussi. We'll see.