What.

Well, tonight's posting has no level of liquor or sleep depravation. So far, that's an improvement over yesterday.

On the flip side, I sort of have a big problem developing that involves lots of emotions, questions, and uncertainty in life. Such as it is.

Something happened to me yesterday that I can't in a public forum describe, but it's given me a lot about which to think. It involves a lot of self probing (something I've tried to avoid my entire life) and thus riles all kinds of emotional things. (No it's not Star Trek or work related).

Everything I know is sort of on a precipice, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I thought about blogging about it, but I can't do that on a forum so public when I'm not really sure what the hell to say. I'm going to try to do it on a private blog before I go to bed tonight, but that might not be enough.

I guess this is one of those times when having friends is a good thing. I have a lot of acquaintances and people I get along with, but none of them I trust well enough for me to consider talking to them about this. I probably have three people I think that I could trust with this, but none of them are in a geographical area conducive towards achieving that goal. Everyone's gone for now.

The biggest part of the problem for me is the total lack of certainty. Having been trained as a logical, rational thinker, I would normally just tell myself to consider the question involved, formulate preliminary theses, and collect evidence that corroborates with any thesis. Unfortunately, 1), logical thinking rarely works when we talk about ourselves. We run it through so many self-defense filters, self-glorifying (or mutilating) lenses, and spiral into the realm of confusion and the abyss of uncertainty. Secondly, human beings are far more complicated than an either-or problem. We're a species of gradation along millions of spectra. On the skin color scale, I rank in the whitey white territory, but my parents are naturally darker than I am. We're not either black skinned or white skinned. Our emotions work similarly. Unfortunately, they don't work like those pre-school posters that say HAPPY :-), SAD :-(, ANGRY >:-O. If it were that simple, I think everything would work out. But instead, I have to deal with all kinds of conflictng emotions ranging from elation to fear.

And really, this is a tripartite problem of mind, body, and soul, so to speak. (I don't really know what I mean when I say soul).

What I wish is that someone would just TELL me what I need to know. Although, part of me doesn't even want to know. It's hard.

If anyone comes to Colorado Springs and you see a psychotic mess by the side of the road, it's probably me.

I wish I could be more forthcoming, but it's not really possible.