I'm not gloating--I'm Spock

The last few days have given me a lot about which to think. Not to mention the bottle of wine I've downed in that time. And other things that I can't discuss.

I'm a huge Trek fan. I mean, I saw the movie at the first showing. Stood in line (was #1!) for almost 4 hours. I was up til 2 AM coming up with temporal theories to fix the movie.

I'm Spock. I've always had a seperate standard set for me. I've always supposed to be the strong, rational person. I'm someone who is supposed to rise above the limitations of being human--emotion, frviolous instinct, etc.--and acheive a higher intellectual and rational level.

But then again, I'm not a computer. I've desperately tried to avoid my feelings and my emotions, but they always come back. Like Spock, I'm always a volcano, that can blow at any moment, and sense is gone to the wind.

I'm constantly torn between the emotions of being an ordinary human, and the rational expectations that everyone has for me. I'm the person who always comes up with the critical analysis, the great idea that solves the problem, or can go on the course of sense to create. On the flip side, this ruins my creativity. I don't know how many people read this blog, but did you all know that I used to be a prolific writer of non-fiction? I think I worte hundreds, if not thousands of poems twisting my lust for complexity with my passion for precision. My life was built around irony.

I know someone who is gay, and he came to accept that when he had a life threatening situation face him. He told me life is too short to avoid who you are.

Am I wasting my life trying to live up to everyone's expectations for accomplishing something? Or is it that I'm wasting my life trying to live up to my unreasonable expectations to be this stoic? Perhaps my expectations of myself have created a standard that other people think is typical behavior of me, and thus amplify the problem.

Or perhaps I've had to much wine and too little sleep.

I wish I had less fear and more conviction.

By the way, my new job is great!

I'll write more when my head feels less---groggy?