I guess we'll call it stabilization

I'm not sure how to describe it right now. I'm sort of kind of meh on a lot of these issues clouding my mind in recent days. Part of it certainly is allowing my mind...well, more like my heart...wander places it doesn't belong. Work tends to bring that out of me, because I have these long periods where no one will drive by and I have to find a way to pass the time intellectually (my sewing is not an intellectual activity, unfortunately).

Sometimes, I imagine how great it could be to be in that fairy tale lifestyle where you're in love and everything is bright and shiny, but in reality, I know that doesn't exist, and furthermore, I know that I do not have the emotional maturity necessary to be in any kind of a relationship. I'm not some kind of hormone-driven teenager immature, but the problem that I have had (and always have had) is that I bottle all of my emotions up because when they come out, I get fucked somehow. Basically, emotional expression at any time has come back to bite me in the ass. One big reason is that I an intrinsically intensely emotional. I don't have these slight feelings that most people have, when they say "I'm kind of happy". I'm either elated or depressed, normally. I know I'm not bipolar because I spend a lot of time emotionally flatlined, and my swings tend not to be dramatic at all.

My intentions romantically have always worked the same way as well. I've had these ridiculous and extreme crushes and I don't really know the object of those affections at all. That's been part of my problem in the last couple of weeks. I've actually never acted on those kinds of feelings before, and I tried it for the first time (why?) and was basically ignored, so whatever.

I guess I have not developed yet the ability to control those aspects of who I am, so it is much easier simply to supress them. I cloud them over with these obscure visions of nationality (a real Irishman would never think like this) compounded with ancestral guilt (you're shaming thousands of years of hard working, bleeding, and sacrificing Irishmen), or with this grandiose vision of destiny where I'm supposed to do something great (i.e. make it in the history books to be remembered and analyzed for thousands of years great) and I can't let me feelings or emotions get in the way. The third option is simply to reinforce that I'm not worth loving in any sense of the word--physical, emotional, commitment-oriented, you name it. The negative tapes really do the job. When I play those ones, along with all the other "Ray, you're an abject failure" tapes, it does a pretty good job of shutting down those emotional and romantic intentions.

Well, several good things:

School starts tomorrow. Brain can focus on something.
I'm starting language training again, first I'm going to review and enhance my French, then follow it up with German and Gaelic again. I still remember a lot of German vokab, but not so much structure. Somewhat the opposite in Gaelic. I can remember some sentences, like "Is mise Ray [pronounced "iss misha Ray"] or Ta (accent on a) leabhar anseo {there is a book there}," but not a lot of words or structures.
I should soon be getting money?