Perspective would be nice

That was the conclusion I came to last night shortly after finishing my post. In the grand scale of the universe, this is so trivial, so banal, so stupid, that it isn't worth all of the pain and agony through which I have put myself. There are too many more important things to consider, too many significant acts of kindness to alleviate the suffering to do. Despite all of my other techniques for dealing with my stress and pain, doing something good has always been the most helpful.

In all frankness though, I need something that Maricor has written many times before: 'Sometimes a retreat is a good tactic before you advance'. I play war games enough to know that works--[currently, my English empire has had to retreat several times out of Palestine, thanks to constantly building Italian forces. My goal is to lure the majority of their armies into Palestine, and then send three cavalry divisions to surround their escape routes and then crush them in a head-on battle...once the Italians are gone, my goal for European empire should be pretty easy and even excommunication won't be able to stop me!].

But with respect to the problems in my life, I could certainly use a few steps backwards to re-evaluate my positions. I've always been so used to moving ahead that I lose sight of the other forks in the road. The last few years ahve developed in me such an icy determination to accomplish; to have sheets of paper with my name on them saying that Raymond Schultz has done such and such an accomplishment, that I have completely lost sight on the journey itself.

These problems are systemic. I haven't determined yet whether they are tied to this singular issue, or whether it is the result of a lifetime of social issues. Burying the pain in success has always been my strategy, but my failures in getting into a secure graduate school have been traumatizing.

I've led myself to the point that if I don't do something so amazing that it's worth the pages of history, then my life has been a waste. It's not because I wanted to make some grand contribution, but because I wanted to show all of the bastards---including myself---that I have ever known that they were wrong to ever mess with me.

I will admit my paranoia, I create enemies that don't exist so that I can imagine oppression and rise above it. I don't have a clue what real oppression is. I don't know what it is to have my life hanging on a thread, and only the power of fate or of God there to save me. I've never had bullets whiz past my head...the closest I've ever come to death was strep throat. That really doesn't provide perspective.

Retreat certainly is in order, and more than anything, what I need is isolation for a couple of days. I am off Sunday thru Tuesday next week, and I may take the opportunity to go camping some place.

More than anything, I need to realize that no matter what, I'm no different than I was before.