Turning Pages

It's a theme that had become rare in my life, but I think yesterday was a huge opportunity for me to make the most of my mistakes in my life. I sort of sank a bit yesterday, in ways I don't want to talk about in a public, online forum. Suffice it to say, it's a mistake. A big one. But today, I come back with more certainty than I've felt in a long time.

I have to say that I am still worried about the consequences of my actions. These may not have yet hit me. Some already have hit, in ways that I don't want them to hit ever again. The details of which may someday come to light, but for now, they must remain secret. In part, this is because the full extent of these consequences has not occurred. I cannot put forth this kind of knowledge without certainly damaging myself. And I may damage others too.

Perhaps this should be the goal of my next new year's. To be actually honest about these things that I refer to in suggestive manners. To those who couldn't give a damn (who's probably most everyone), all this is just a bunch of blah blah blah. To me though, I still am afraid. To others, there are no doubt questions of ranging manners, 'what is he hiding?', 'is it something sexual, psychotic, mental, individual, plural, what?' 'how serious is it?' 'to what extent has it consumed him?' 'is it the monkey?' 'hell, what's the monkey?'

One day, I hope to answer all of these questions, here, on my public space, when I can proclaim that these experiences are totally a part of my past, that I have resolved these past tensions with who I am today, and look to be better because of my learning.

When I know that the past is truly passed, then I will be happy to reveal these things to the world, to lift the burden from my shoulders.

More later.