Know that feeling?

Do you know that feeling when you know you have something stuck in your teeth and the second you talk, everyone will see it? By the way, there are people coming over to you to talk...

I feel that everyday, everytime I'm near anyone.

Normally, I am not a huge fan of sex (I don't even really have a sex drive, thanks to years of strangling every sexual impulse I ever had), but sometimes, I think it might be better for me just to freaking do it, not because of physical sensations, but because it would force me to completely and totally give up every preoccupation that I have instantly. It would make me be essentially totally and completely the opposite of what I normally am, and maybe I need that in order to make any sense of my life.

I bought myself a few things to try and help myself today. First I bought an Espresso Escape chocolate bar to help my mind, because chocolate always does that.

Second, I bought myself a set of wrist weights to carry around on me all the time. This should help me tone my arms and chest a little bit (because they're basically totally bone, and I'm getting kinda sick of it). Once I figure out what the hell is going on with my heart, I'll find a way to work out more regularly, because my body could definitely use it. It can help with decreasing stress too, which I always need.

I considered buying a journal I could write in, but whenever I have anything serious, I put it into my laptop, which has password protection. I wrote in it tonight, and I realized that these great issues I'm dealing with right now are so strong that I can't even be honest and up-front with myself on a MS word document that no one will be able to read. I've reached new levels, locking myself away from myself.

Work is finally making some progress. More details when I have permission to talk about it.

Looking retrospectively, I have recently had one of the most amazing experiences in my life in so many ways, but it's probably the cause of all the chaos I'm feeling right now. I'm really hoping that this all works out...