Je suis plus age de que j'ai pense

Unfortunately, that is terrible French, because I'm missing accents everywhere. That's my biggest complaint about blogger, that they make inserting accents nearly impossible. Basically, you have to copy paste letters into this thing.

Anyways, I wasn't going to talk about French accents right now. I was going to go into something more serious.

I've started to realize that some of the best years of my life are starting to slip away from me. Here I am in my youth, and I've taken every opportunity I've ever had at any happiness, personal, professional, etc. and thrown it away in my long term desire to make myself completely miserable.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to have any kind of dating/marriage relationship. That's totally out of the cards for me. A few weeks ago I had this biological coup d'etat that happened, and I went into this genetic freak thing where it's like "ARGH, I MUST PASS ON DNA!!" Fortunately, though, I have reestablished my normal self. It's kind of weird, it wasn't one of those typical college age male things where all anyone can think about is sex, it was more "if I don't start dating now, everyone will be gone and I will be totally alone".

When I thought about it though, that's what I've always wanted. I have longed for the kind of solitude that bachelors can have. Right now, more than anything else, I want to be able to move out on my own. But right now, I can afford three months at a cheap ass place, and every penny I make that is not taken by US GOV, CO, or CU for my goddamned retirement fund (which I will be canning tomorrow!) would be going into an appartment.

I realized when I was working all alone in the lab that everyone else in that lab has lives, where they go and do things. One guy is a cyclist, another a father. One of the girls goes out and does whatever she feels like, Kristina has been to Florida and France for study. I'm there though seven days a week. I have literally no life, because across all my jobs and projects, I'm sucked into this vortex of work, and for all my work, I don't think I'll ever get anywhere.

We're all going to croak at some point. I've been looking forward to my life, and the only thought that I have is that it doesn't matter when I die, because my impact on life is going to be so minimal, that if I die, someone else will invariably step into my place.

There's this song I've been listening to by Shakira that has really gotten me thinking. It's called "Timor", and it's about East Timor. It says that we can be all self-satisfied with how we pushed recognition of its independence through the UN and how to make ourselves look good, we'll give them financial aid, but when they need us, we're sitting on our asses watching MTV. There's one line that really gets me "How about the people who don't matter anymore?"

I know it's supposed to be a critique of us, but when I hear it, I keep thinking about how I don't really matter. Every space I occupy can be filled by someone somewhere. All the work that I thought I was destined for can be filled by some other 20 something (or even teen!). I once thought that I was destined for greatness, and I've realized that I'm destined for nothingness.

Maybe that's what getting older means.