Notes, wishes, confusion

First off, if anyone wants anything amazing to look at, then I seriously recommend going here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S5OcjkXTKEQ

The first part of the clip is kinda boring, but once you get about a minute to a minute and a half into it, the dancing starts, and it's totally amazing. Anyone without something better to do should definitely watch it. I dont recommend watching the part after the dancing is over because it's a bunch of judges' critiques that are borderline offensive, in my opinion.

In other notes, it looks like my water project won't get too far. I did tests on Friday and Saturday and it looks like superoxygenated water does nothing to cancer cells. There's no affect on growth rates or on metabolic parameters.

When it comes to wishes, I have so many right now, it's hard to write them all down. The are things from the mundane to the extreme. I wish, for example, to have more opportunities to do things like volunteering. I mean, it's nice that I work at the hospital every Friday, but I want to do something that makes a serious difference. I have been looking at working with S-CAP, the Southern Co. AIDS Project.

Other wishes:
1. Clarity
2. Answers to delicate questions that are inappropriate for this kind of forum
3. Experience
4. The ability to save enough money to manage my personal finances. $1000 is nice to have, but in the long run, that can hardly pay bills. I mean, if I worked 40 hours a day, every day at the current wages I am making right now, I would be lucky to make $20,000 a year. I have been considering moving into an appartment after graduation, but when considering bills, rent, etc., that $1000 is gone in 2 months. I know that I hve those $7000 in bonds, but I really don't want to touch them any time soon.
5. Ironically, despite this last wish, I really want to just get away from everything for a weekend. Not a day, but a whole weekend, where I can sleep somewhere else and just be able to think.
6. I have been itching to paint something again. That's never a good sign though. Maybe I'll go with drawing and coloring, but that never manages to mix colors the way that I like paint.
7. My life to be this complete thing, rather than this mish-mash jumble of shit.

Confusion:

Perhaps this is overtly related to wish #7. My brain has been really wracked recently, and I need the opportunity to hash it out with someone, but the problem is that it's something I really don't think that I can talk about with other people, at least ones that I know. Then, I have to go through the problem of paying for psychotherapy (which is like $100 an hour=10+ hours of my working life). Sometimes, I wish I had someone in my life I knew I could totalyl and completely trust with whatever secret and know that their judgment of me would not change in the slightest because of it.


In the end, I am somewhere between excited and scared, between total fear and total escape, between knowledge and doubt. I'm really sick of being here.