Going downhill fast

I think these last two or three weeks have been the most stressful of my life, and my body is REALLY starting to take hits on this. I've felt like shit for the last two days, and there's like no end in sight whatsoever. My stress only starts to go down starting around August 7, when my French class ends. It's one more thing that I have done.

Yesterday I pulled a 9 AM to 5 PM shift and today is going to be far worse. I got here at 8:30 and started working, and I'll probably be here until 7 or 8 tonight at least. I set up and ran 25 samples this morning, I have 32 to run once I finish my LTC stuff here in 40 minutes, and then I have 50 more to run once I'm done with those 32. So fuck on that.

Then once I get done running all those lovely samples, these are the things I have left to do, for just today:

1. I have to bleach my U937s (that really doesn't take long)
2. I have to set up my spleen cells so that they don't all die
3. I have to ANALYZE DATA (this is the longest lasting thing to do)
4. I have to culture my spleen cells and set some up for staining on Saturday
5. I have some other cell thing to do...culture other cells?

Then once I finish that, I have to go access some biochemistry data. Fortunately, I only have like 6 pieces of data to access, so that will at most take me a half hour.

Tomorrow doesn't look terrible, for once at work. I only have to culture cells and thaw a breast cancer cell line. THAT'S IT. I have no staining, no analysis, no anything. I can finally take a bit of a break. Well, a tiny one, because I have a ton of biochemistry to do tomorrow. Whatever.

Suffice it to say though, the physical toll on me is extreme. Over the course of July, I've actually shrunk over an inch (I'm only 6 foot now, I was almost 6'2 in June), and I've lost almost 15 pounds (I weighed myself this morning, I am now at 150!). I constantly have a headache now, though I think it's caffeine withdrawl, and I am ALWAYS tired. Whatever. I need to go tackle the world of cells now.


Language Tech Center:
We still have NO director for the LTC. I don't think we even have applicants.
Our server system orientation thing is needing to be scheduled and coordinated with the language faculty and the tutors. I have it narrowed down to three dates, but right now, it looks like I'm going to be pissing someone off any way I choose it.
I'm still desperately trying to put the schedule together. I have three people left to hear from on their availability. Unless someone is able to add more hours, it looks like I'll be there between 10 and 15 hours a week.
Having to coordinate everything that I'm doing with my two higher ups.
Writing the LTC report.
Bioenergetics:
I am like two months behind on one of my lab notebooks. I'm a week behind on the other, and I have literally NO time to catch up on them.
It is looking increasingly likely that I'll be taking on a third project. More details to come on this thrilling development.
I'm supposed to start my breast cancer cell lines on Thursday. I still have two leukemia lines to finish in the next six days.
I have so much data to analyze it's not even funny.
Every attempt I have made at trying to do my work has been met with requests to help other people do theirs.
Biochemistry:
I submitted about 100 jobs yesterday and they'll all probably be done tomorrow. Then I have about 100 more calculations to do once I retrieve the data.
French:
All the homework for chapter five is due tomorrow and I've just gotten caught up to chapter four.
Money:
I got my school bill for this semester. It's like $3000 for 12 hours? Ridiculous. By the way, I'm currently only worth about $1100.
Driving:
I have to drive to Denver today. My driving this morning left me with chest pain, so tonight's drive will probably kill me.
Timing of things:
Between my experiments and my LTC stuff, I cannot take time off. Know how I was working this weekend and such? That was just so I could take four hours off this afternoon (which I didn't need to do, so I'm working anyways). I'm going to have to work about 15 hours this weekend so that I can take next weekend off (at least Saturday). Then during the week this coming week, I'm going to have to probably work an extra 5-10 hours to make up for the fact that I have to go to the cardiologist again on the 3rd.

I think I missed my midlife crisis

Based on how my life is currently going, I've missed my halflife crisis, my three-fourths life crisis, and my four-fifths life crisis. At the rate my stress is increasing exponentially with respect to time, I'm going to probably be dead in about six months.

This are the increasingly stressful things I have to deal with:

Language Tech Center:

• We still have NO director for the LTC. I don't think we even have applicants.
• Our server system orientation thing is needing to be scheduled and coordinated with the language faculty and the tutors. I have it narrowed down to three dates, but right now, it looks like I'm going to be pissing someone off any way I choose it.
• I'm still desperately trying to put the schedule together. I have three people left to hear from on their availability. Unless someone is able to add more hours, it looks like I'll be there between 10 and 15 hours a week.
• Having to coordinate everything that I'm doing with my two higher ups.
• Writing the LTC report.

Bioenergetics:

• I am like two months behind on one of my lab notebooks. I'm a week behind on the other, and I have literally NO time to catch up on them.
• It is looking increasingly likely that I'll be taking on a third project. More details to come on this thrilling development.
• I'm supposed to start my breast cancer cell lines on Thursday. I still have two leukemia lines to finish in the next six days.
• I have so much data to analyze it's not even funny.
• Every attempt I have made at trying to do my work has been met with requests to help other people do theirs.

Biochemistry:

• I submitted about 100 jobs yesterday and they'll all probably be done tomorrow. Then I have about 100 more calculations to do once I retrieve the data.

French:

• All the homework for chapter five is due tomorrow and I've just gotten caught up to chapter four.

Money:

• I got my school bill for this semester. It's like $3000 for 12 hours? Ridiculous. By the way, I'm currently only worth about $1100.

Driving:

• I have to drive to Denver today. My driving this morning left me with chest pain, so tonight's drive will probably kill me.

Timing of things:

• Between my experiments and my LTC stuff, I cannot take time off. Know how I was working this weekend and such? That was just so I could take four hours off this afternoon (which I didn't need to do, so I'm working anyways). I'm going to have to work about 15 hours this weekend so that I can take next weekend off (at least Saturday). Then during the week this coming week, I'm going to have to probably work an extra 5-10 hours to make up for the fact that I have to go to the cardiologist again on the 3rd.

Fuck. My life sucks.

Je suis plus age de que j'ai pense

Unfortunately, that is terrible French, because I'm missing accents everywhere. That's my biggest complaint about blogger, that they make inserting accents nearly impossible. Basically, you have to copy paste letters into this thing.

Anyways, I wasn't going to talk about French accents right now. I was going to go into something more serious.

I've started to realize that some of the best years of my life are starting to slip away from me. Here I am in my youth, and I've taken every opportunity I've ever had at any happiness, personal, professional, etc. and thrown it away in my long term desire to make myself completely miserable.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to have any kind of dating/marriage relationship. That's totally out of the cards for me. A few weeks ago I had this biological coup d'etat that happened, and I went into this genetic freak thing where it's like "ARGH, I MUST PASS ON DNA!!" Fortunately, though, I have reestablished my normal self. It's kind of weird, it wasn't one of those typical college age male things where all anyone can think about is sex, it was more "if I don't start dating now, everyone will be gone and I will be totally alone".

When I thought about it though, that's what I've always wanted. I have longed for the kind of solitude that bachelors can have. Right now, more than anything else, I want to be able to move out on my own. But right now, I can afford three months at a cheap ass place, and every penny I make that is not taken by US GOV, CO, or CU for my goddamned retirement fund (which I will be canning tomorrow!) would be going into an appartment.

I realized when I was working all alone in the lab that everyone else in that lab has lives, where they go and do things. One guy is a cyclist, another a father. One of the girls goes out and does whatever she feels like, Kristina has been to Florida and France for study. I'm there though seven days a week. I have literally no life, because across all my jobs and projects, I'm sucked into this vortex of work, and for all my work, I don't think I'll ever get anywhere.

We're all going to croak at some point. I've been looking forward to my life, and the only thought that I have is that it doesn't matter when I die, because my impact on life is going to be so minimal, that if I die, someone else will invariably step into my place.

There's this song I've been listening to by Shakira that has really gotten me thinking. It's called "Timor", and it's about East Timor. It says that we can be all self-satisfied with how we pushed recognition of its independence through the UN and how to make ourselves look good, we'll give them financial aid, but when they need us, we're sitting on our asses watching MTV. There's one line that really gets me "How about the people who don't matter anymore?"

I know it's supposed to be a critique of us, but when I hear it, I keep thinking about how I don't really matter. Every space I occupy can be filled by someone somewhere. All the work that I thought I was destined for can be filled by some other 20 something (or even teen!). I once thought that I was destined for greatness, and I've realized that I'm destined for nothingness.

Maybe that's what getting older means.

Probably going to war

So, I am actually quite irate right now. UCCS (well the whole CU system) has done this thing where they stopped sending paper notices informing someone about their pay. Well, I looked online today, and I made a whopping $340 in the previous pay period. I knew that there was something seriously not right about that number, so I looked around online. Apparently, UCCS, without my explicit permission, has set up a retirement account for me through TIAA-CREF, and thus far they've taken over $100 out of my paychecks, and they've been slowly increasing this amount over the last couple of months. Basically, I'm going to have to call on Monday and shut that off, because I don't want a retirement fund through the university, and I want my 100 dollars.

The unfortuante thing is that the moneys I made in my last pay period, thanks to a dating error on my online credit card payments, are going to go entirely to paying off my credit card, but I can't bitch too much that I won't be in any debt. Whatever. It's just really frustrating to be working as many hours as I have worked (this week I've hit full time, and I've still got probabyl four hours of work tomorrow morning in the lab).

Suffice it to say that the stresses at UCCS in the last week have completely destroyed any kinds of nostaliga or whatever I was feeling last week. This week is definitely the opposite. Right now, more than anything, I just want people to leave me alone. I also want them to stop touching my shit. That would be nice too.

The stresses of work continue to increase, and I'm pretty sure that at some point within the next six months, I'm going to have to snap. Interestingly, I, because of all these stresses, am starting to have a new and wonderful chest symptom: pain.

Ugh. I'm so tired of working. I need a freaking break. Unfortunately, I have no money to take a break, and on top of that, I have no time to get another job.

Exhausted

My body is on the edge of completely giving up on me, mainly because I have endeavored to find new ways of self torture. Right now, I am basically working four jobs: my metabolic project in the lab, my Perfect water project in the lab (which I now cannot discuss), my hospital job, and finally my LTC job. Combined, these four take about 45-50 hours per week. On top of that, I have my biochemistry project that I really need to work on and then I have my French to do, which combined take another 5-10 hours per week.

All of this increases my level of stress significantly, and because of the stress and the amount of time I spend on all of this, I have sort of stopped eating. I was counting calories yesterday and I took in a grand total of 1100 calories. 20 year old men are supposed to have between 2500 and 3000 per day. Today, it's noon, and I've so far had about 350 calories. I won't be eating anything until at least 7 PM tonight.

Suffice it to say that because of all these factors, my weight has dropped. At the beginning of the month I weighed about 162. When I went to the cardiologist yesterday, they weighed me, and I'm down to 150.

Speaking of cardio stuff, my heart has been really icky the last three days. I went for a bike ride and a walk two days ago and when I was done, my body shut down. All that I could feel was this seriously irregular heartbeat.

In happier news, I am done with another cell line this week, which means I'm done completely with three and almost done with a fourth. Two weeks from this one I'll be finishing three cell lines, which will get me to 6 out of 20. My hope is that by the end of the semester, I'll have 10-15 done. No guarantees there, of course. I think though, since I have a year to do 14 cell lines, I should be able to get those done. I mean, so far, it's taken me about three months to get this many done.

I also am going to have some signficant pay increases, hopefully. Since I'm helping to teach a course, I get paid $2000. On top of that, the water people might be supplementing my pay.

In the end though, all of this is killing me. I am behind universally. I'm almost a chapter behind in French, and I totally missed a 25 point assignment in a class with 800. Fortunately, I had some extra credit floating around which made up for about 15 points worth. But the thing is that I should not be missing any assignments.

I'm about two days behind in one lab notebook and about two months behind in another. I'm two weeks behind on my biochemistry (not my fault though, the computer was fucked up). I direly need a vacation, but unfortunately, that's not happening anytime soon.

I'm just hoping right now that all this work does not physically kill me.

Tomorrow's fun chat involves MONEY!!!

Destroy

So I think I have successfully managed to destroy my last chance at happiness in life. This, of course, is my specialty.

I have this weird spiritual thing where the color of your eyes has a strong correlation to personality traits. People with blue or light blue eyes are part of the sky element, free, open, expressive and creative. People with grey/hazel eyes are part of the cloud element, secretive yet simultaneously emotive. Those with green eyes are the life element, intimately connected with the movements of life and bearers of certain wisdoms about life cycles (i.e., they make good doctors, nurses, etc.). There are the sandy colored eyes who are the nomads of the earth, simultaneously stable, but prone to massive violence. Brown eyed people come in two varieties, which matches the convulsions of the earth. The first set are the highly irresponsible, terribly extroverted, and are lazy. The second are diligent, the workers of the earth and land. They are intimately connected with work, and tend to be excellent farmers, carpenters, etc. (people who love to do things with their hands).

Then there are people like me, with deep blue eyes. We are the loners, those whose lives come from the deepest depths of the ocean, where the chance at contact with another living being is as rare as the ability to breathe.

I am desperate to be alone, but at the same time, something is urging me to conform with society, and become like everyone else, committed, engaged. Every fiber of my being screams at me, "GET AWAY NOW", and I am in such lust to get away from this city that I could scream myself.

I miss freedom. I've been trapped in Colorado Springs without cessation for so long that I can't breathe. I need room to breathe, to be free and away from every being. I need the kind of loneliness that I once had. I need somewhere where I am trapped by the total incapacity to feel anything, like I used to.

I am so nostalgic right now, that I need to burn bridges with everything that once mattered to obtain my ideals.

The wind is blowing, and I am still here.

My first shot at anything Spanish in a while, thanks to Shakira

Ya estoy peleandome
La guerra empezó
entre mis emociones
y la razón.

Yo estoy aquí
una gelatina sin cuerpo ni alma
una existencia cotidiaria

En este momento
tu eres allá
y no estoy seguro
de que tu quieras
ni lo que quiera yo.

Tu estás allá
torturando me con tu deseo debil
y me duele el cuerpo
debajo de los exijos de tuyo

Cuando se caen mis paredes
y estoy expuesto y desnudo
es inútil tratar de te escapar
por mi control está en tus manos

Siento que mi alma
ha sabido por siempre
que yo soy invalido
y lo que tu harías
para mi destrucción

Pero ahora, yo estoy
destruido, fracasado,
confundido, incapaz de hablar
Mi fuerza está llena de plumas
y mi fiebre está hielo.

La sabiduria en que
he puesto toda mi fé
es arena en un tornado
el viento, mi alma y
todas mis experiencias contigo

Lo que quiero es la capcidad
de te escapar ahora,
de ser el hombre libre otra vez
de ser el vagabundo de mis sueños.

Si pudiera, existiría en una dimensión sola
así que no pueda vivir ni lamentar más.

By the way, blogger, you people need to allow me to use shortcuts on my accents so that I don't have to copy-paste them all.

Wherefore art?

Je ne sais pas pourquoi je me sens comme this.

I really desperately want to talk about something, but je ne peux pas.

So, I think that my work things are starting to turn around. It looks liek I'm going to get more work and more opportunities to get ahead.

I would write more, but I am seriously tired right now.

Bed before 11

So I promised myself that I would go to bed before 11.

Some interesting news: my experiments are actually getting REALLY interesting data. In the short term, there's this affect on mitochondrial metabolism (it's like psycho), and in the long term there's some effect on lysosomes. It's hot.

I'm right now somewhere between abject terror and the possibility of something amazing. I don't know where I'm going yet, but life's all about journeys I guess.

I've been having some serious considerations to make recently.

Know that feeling?

Do you know that feeling when you know you have something stuck in your teeth and the second you talk, everyone will see it? By the way, there are people coming over to you to talk...

I feel that everyday, everytime I'm near anyone.

Normally, I am not a huge fan of sex (I don't even really have a sex drive, thanks to years of strangling every sexual impulse I ever had), but sometimes, I think it might be better for me just to freaking do it, not because of physical sensations, but because it would force me to completely and totally give up every preoccupation that I have instantly. It would make me be essentially totally and completely the opposite of what I normally am, and maybe I need that in order to make any sense of my life.

I bought myself a few things to try and help myself today. First I bought an Espresso Escape chocolate bar to help my mind, because chocolate always does that.

Second, I bought myself a set of wrist weights to carry around on me all the time. This should help me tone my arms and chest a little bit (because they're basically totally bone, and I'm getting kinda sick of it). Once I figure out what the hell is going on with my heart, I'll find a way to work out more regularly, because my body could definitely use it. It can help with decreasing stress too, which I always need.

I considered buying a journal I could write in, but whenever I have anything serious, I put it into my laptop, which has password protection. I wrote in it tonight, and I realized that these great issues I'm dealing with right now are so strong that I can't even be honest and up-front with myself on a MS word document that no one will be able to read. I've reached new levels, locking myself away from myself.

Work is finally making some progress. More details when I have permission to talk about it.

Looking retrospectively, I have recently had one of the most amazing experiences in my life in so many ways, but it's probably the cause of all the chaos I'm feeling right now. I'm really hoping that this all works out...

Notes, wishes, confusion

First off, if anyone wants anything amazing to look at, then I seriously recommend going here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S5OcjkXTKEQ

The first part of the clip is kinda boring, but once you get about a minute to a minute and a half into it, the dancing starts, and it's totally amazing. Anyone without something better to do should definitely watch it. I dont recommend watching the part after the dancing is over because it's a bunch of judges' critiques that are borderline offensive, in my opinion.

In other notes, it looks like my water project won't get too far. I did tests on Friday and Saturday and it looks like superoxygenated water does nothing to cancer cells. There's no affect on growth rates or on metabolic parameters.

When it comes to wishes, I have so many right now, it's hard to write them all down. The are things from the mundane to the extreme. I wish, for example, to have more opportunities to do things like volunteering. I mean, it's nice that I work at the hospital every Friday, but I want to do something that makes a serious difference. I have been looking at working with S-CAP, the Southern Co. AIDS Project.

Other wishes:
1. Clarity
2. Answers to delicate questions that are inappropriate for this kind of forum
3. Experience
4. The ability to save enough money to manage my personal finances. $1000 is nice to have, but in the long run, that can hardly pay bills. I mean, if I worked 40 hours a day, every day at the current wages I am making right now, I would be lucky to make $20,000 a year. I have been considering moving into an appartment after graduation, but when considering bills, rent, etc., that $1000 is gone in 2 months. I know that I hve those $7000 in bonds, but I really don't want to touch them any time soon.
5. Ironically, despite this last wish, I really want to just get away from everything for a weekend. Not a day, but a whole weekend, where I can sleep somewhere else and just be able to think.
6. I have been itching to paint something again. That's never a good sign though. Maybe I'll go with drawing and coloring, but that never manages to mix colors the way that I like paint.
7. My life to be this complete thing, rather than this mish-mash jumble of shit.

Confusion:

Perhaps this is overtly related to wish #7. My brain has been really wracked recently, and I need the opportunity to hash it out with someone, but the problem is that it's something I really don't think that I can talk about with other people, at least ones that I know. Then, I have to go through the problem of paying for psychotherapy (which is like $100 an hour=10+ hours of my working life). Sometimes, I wish I had someone in my life I knew I could totalyl and completely trust with whatever secret and know that their judgment of me would not change in the slightest because of it.


In the end, I am somewhere between excited and scared, between total fear and total escape, between knowledge and doubt. I'm really sick of being here.

More progress

So things continue to progress in a strangely logical manner for me. My psychotic freaking out about money is starting to come to an end, partially because as of Tuesday, I'll haev a balance of like $9 on my credit card and my savings account will now have $1000 in it. The reason there is a $9 balance is because I REALLY wanted to hit $1000 for the first time in years. To be honest, I'm proud of how I've pinched spending (except today, because I needed to buy food). I'm hoping that by the end of the summer, I can reach around $2000.

I graduate in 160 days. How freakish is that? I was just reading a blog about how I had 250 days left, and now, it's like three weeks short of half a year. A week from tomorrow I'll be down to five months of my undergraduate life.

Shakira is like the most amazing music/dance/attractive woman ever. If we had babies though, they would all be hideously ugly, like me.

So it turns out that in the process of figuring out what is wrong with my heart, I have found several things wrong with me.

1. My bilirubin levels are abnormally high. I, however, am not yellow. This suggests that I have inherited from my parents a lovely condition called Gilbert's syndrome. Fortunately, it's like one of the best genetic diseases to have because it does like nothing to you.
2. My HDL levels are abnormally low. In normal people, it should be around 60 mg/dL, and mine is 27.
3. My monocyte levels are unusually high, nothing to worry about though, as there is some fluctuation that appears across peoples.

I did my French midterm today, and it was actually surprisingly easy.

I have to go to work tomorrow because I have cells that are ready to go into the flow, so I probably have to go in for like two or three hours, at least.

I had some other things to discuss; however, it seems that I have forgotten all of them. Sigh, the disadvantages of older age.

Progress

I'm finally making some, I think, regarding so many things.
I started off on Sunday, making a list of five things I seriously needed to do within the next five months. They're pretty private, and if I can keep them up for the next six months, then I'll be more than happy to mention them.

I made a huge step backwards on one of them yesterday, but I have promptly fixed it, leaving me with a bigger one forward than I had going back.

Amazing things in my life right now:

1. Shakira music videos
2. Bollywood dancing on So You Think You Can Dance
3. Being almost caught up to June in my lab notebook
4. Having a fresh kiwi, fresh peaches, frozen raspberries, and steamed broccoli (not at the same time) tonight
5. I GET PAID FRIDAY like $600. That's a lot for me.

Not so amazing things in my life

1. Having vegetable products stuck in my teeth
2. My French midterm is posted tomorrow online
3. I seriously need to get cracking on my grad school shit.
4. I still have a month before the end of my undergrad starts rolling
5. My hips don't lie---they're jsut nasty lumps of bone. Damn, what I'd give to shimmy like Shakira can. Dood, I would be the king of Latin dancing then.

Things I really want to do in my life right now:

1. Duh, Latin dancing. Dancing out all kinds of pent up sexual energy is just like ARHGH. It's hot.
2. To meet Dawn French. Pretty much one of the most amazing people comically on earth.
3. To get the language wheels rolling.
4. To know what the hell is wrong with my body (today's been my best day by far in the last month though, so maybe it's going away).
5. To be able to get more work done on my memoirs. I've got 10 pages written so far, and I'm up to like 6 or 7 years old. My style tends to be borrowed from Maxine Hong-Kingston mixed with a little bit of this one author I read at Regis (but totally forgot her name. Anne something).

Why am I not doing something?

It's like 1 PM on my one day off from everything this summer, and I have not done anything productive, when it comes to work.

I have done something overwhelmingly productive when it comes to my life in long term consequence things.

However today, I will be getting caught up about two weeks in one of my lab notebooks, caught up to today in another, and in my third I am caught up. I also will be getting another of my French assignments done.

I'm considering growing out some kind of facial hair, definitely side burns, maybe a goatee and moustache, but I'm not sure there. I am kind of tempted to go with the full beard and moustache, but we'll see how irritated I get with my face hair.

To work.

so, some good things and bad things about today:

good:

I got a pay raise today, and not an insignificant one at that either...0.88 an hour more is how much I'll be making, compared to now in the LTC.

I'm finished with another cell line in the lab, and it looks like within the next two weeks I should be finishing at least one more.



bad:

I haven't felt very good today.

Not much in the sleep department, being up as late as I am now doesn't help that much either.

My mom is stalking around the house at night again, making the possibilities of privacy impossible. She's sort of schizo about opening and closing windows in the house right now. Whatever.

Turning Pages

It's a theme that had become rare in my life, but I think yesterday was a huge opportunity for me to make the most of my mistakes in my life. I sort of sank a bit yesterday, in ways I don't want to talk about in a public, online forum. Suffice it to say, it's a mistake. A big one. But today, I come back with more certainty than I've felt in a long time.

I have to say that I am still worried about the consequences of my actions. These may not have yet hit me. Some already have hit, in ways that I don't want them to hit ever again. The details of which may someday come to light, but for now, they must remain secret. In part, this is because the full extent of these consequences has not occurred. I cannot put forth this kind of knowledge without certainly damaging myself. And I may damage others too.

Perhaps this should be the goal of my next new year's. To be actually honest about these things that I refer to in suggestive manners. To those who couldn't give a damn (who's probably most everyone), all this is just a bunch of blah blah blah. To me though, I still am afraid. To others, there are no doubt questions of ranging manners, 'what is he hiding?', 'is it something sexual, psychotic, mental, individual, plural, what?' 'how serious is it?' 'to what extent has it consumed him?' 'is it the monkey?' 'hell, what's the monkey?'

One day, I hope to answer all of these questions, here, on my public space, when I can proclaim that these experiences are totally a part of my past, that I have resolved these past tensions with who I am today, and look to be better because of my learning.

When I know that the past is truly passed, then I will be happy to reveal these things to the world, to lift the burden from my shoulders.

More later.

Big deal

So guess what? UCCS will get like it's one day in national history today. All because one person visits. One who I may very well meet. Check your national news tonight, because he ain't ever coming back to COS.

Bricks

I need to have a few chucked at my head right now, mainly for being such a stupid ass.

Of course, I do have enough cuts and bruises as a result of being one that it may offset the need for bricks.

Yet I keep going back for more.