Ok, so I need to post something for a change

My over a month absence has been inexcusable, and I msut apologize for it. Things have been kind of rough, and these last weeks have had some pretty monumental changes involved.

The first being graduate school. I thought I really was going to be out of my league on this one, getting sucked into something that I couldn't do. I know my friend Pearl is having some difficulties herself with feeling like she belongs in grad school. but for me, I haven't felt more confident in my abilities in my life. Part of it was the fact that for the first time over the summer, I paid for all of my classes, which showed me that I can do it if I have to. I basically have to sacrifice everything that I want, but I did it. Furthermore, it made me value my education more. I feel like when I have something to say, that it makes some kind of contribution to the class--and not like before where I would make irrelevant contributions, but I'm making a substantial effort here, and it's paying off. Now, I don't know about my written work yet...Duvick has yet to return any of it to me, but I think my first review was competent. I know now that I definitely picked the right field for me...I'm an historian first and foremost.

The second thing being the whole process of coming out. It's mostly complete, and the people closest to me in my life now all know, including both of my parents, who took it much better than I surmised they would. They're probably not at full acceptance stage yet, but they've both had emotional days, and what surprised me was my maturity--I wasn't afraid of my parents anymore. I really thought that my dad would have strangled me, but the strange thing is that he values his time with me more. He knows where I'm coming from and hereally sees that he raised a good, upstanding man. There are many people who don't know yet, for varying reasons, but I'm not ashamed any longer. The fact that with this post, I am now linking my facebook to my blog means that I'm okay with other people I know reading into these elements of my life. I don't know how many of you will end up reading this, but the support that many of you have given me has meant so much. My sister, Erin, and some of my best friends, including Karin, Maricor, Stacie, and especially Thom, your support has meant so much, that I cannot say. Then on top of that, to have people who I barely know willing to help and support me like Grant, Michaela, and Kaleena means so much to me too.

The third, and perhaps most important factor, has been the fact that I accept and care about myself. I used to do things for the wrong reasons--to have other people's acceptance. Now I do good things because I care about others. I look at myself in the mirror, and instead of putting myself down, I challenge myself to do more than I did yesterday, to keep trying when things look darkest. There is always the temptation within to revert, especially when things don't go my way, but those dark days are things to which I cannot return.

There are still things that leave me jumbled and confused. Before I went to New Orleans/Pensacola last month, I sent Thom a letter telling him how important he is to me and how much I care about him. He's gone through far worse than I ever will, and that in part has conditioned him to be afraid to let other people in. I don't want to say too much to respect his privacy, but I can't imagine myself having pushed through the things he has suffered, and yet, despite it all, his outlook is great.

There's something about him that leaves me in awe. I mean, none of my readers out there know him, but he is more fascinating than anyone I've probably met. He's the only person I have met who is able so consistently to challenge me across the board--intellectually, creatively, and personally. Actually, I think he's probably smarter than I am, which is a huge challenge to me, because when it comes to brains, I like to be competitive. He's definitely wiser, but in wisdom, I have learned that it's not so much how much of it that you have, but how much you value the wisdom that you do have. For that, I can thank my Celtic ancestry.

I'm kind of stuck because I want to respect his space and let him sort through things, but at the same time, I want to do things that show him that I care, and I want him to get the chance to know me as I have him. Materially speaking, I'm not that great of a catch, because so much of my money goes towards school. I mean, if this was Jane Austen times, I couldn't get a fisherman's daughter. But the thing is that I work hard, I value what and who I have in my life, and as soon as I finish my graduate work, that material problem will go away, no problem at all. It's awkward, because he's the first person that I've genuinely been interested in who will even talk to me...my past experiences have been people ignoring and rejecting me.

I'm scared too on a certain level that there will be some hot hunk who swoops in and snatches him, and I'll be all "dammit, I tried to do the right thing by respecting his need to heal, and this jackass came in".

I could use some advice here...obviously. My inexperience means that I need the help of my much more successful friends in this matter.

The final bit of good news is that I have not only one, but two (probably...) jobs! Come Monday, I start my training to be a medical receptionist for a pediatric office, which will be a 1-5 PM job; and then I'm the leading candidate for a job doing data entry with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I have to go through a ridiculous amount of background checking into my life and all kinds of polygraph tests and stuff. They both pay better than my last job. I'm still considering a third one, but with grad school, I doubt that three is a smart thing.

Well, thus, I must say that life looks like it's slowly swinging up.

Before I neglect it too much, this month has brought me my first visits to Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and Georgia, so I'm up to 33 states and DC. Only 17 to go before I've hit my first big travel goal...