Back to Old Habits

Well, I tried, and I utterly failed. Not that I'm totally surprised by this process of events--every other attempt I've ever made has failed. I'm starting to really grow convinced that I'm supposed to be this way. In one of my facebook notes, I mentioned how I generally feel called to be somone who loves monogamously. I didn't say that someone would return that to me.

I tend to believe in some of the ways of my Celtic ancestors. I know that I have a powerful insight, not only into other people, but into certain future events. I can't predict certainties, but my intuition gives me the ability to gauge future events on my visceral responses to particular questions. When I inquire as to how my life will be, my intuition makes it clear that solitude is in my future--why, I don't know. But I'll ask whether I'll ever have anyone who will treat me the way I am willing to treat others, and the answer is unanimously no.

I feel the overwhelming desire to go back to the way things used to be for me--where I was content to take 28 credit hours a semester, work 20 hours+ a week, and really have no life. I can't be hurt that way, because I'm so successful with school and work that I don't have to worry about being vulnerable.

My heart is devastated. My mind a shambles. And I stare at a wall of overwhelming silence. I have so many questions, and so few answers.

I'm tired of suffering.