My Heart Pounds in My Head at the Sound of Your Name

Or that may just be the fact that yesterday I finally got my bodhran DVD, and spent about a half hour playing it this morning.

No, there definitely is the heart pounding going on too...I'm absolutely and completely bonkers over a particular someone. We ended up going to the movies on Tuesday night (Thank goodness, had no class), and we saw Planet 51. That's one of the things I really like about him...he's a kid at heart too. One of his favorite movies is Beauty and the Beast---and one of mine is Pocahontas (have...and regularly sing along to the soundtrack).

Afterwards, we talked for HOURS about Marian theology, world history, etc. It's shocking to have someone so easy to talk to. Being around him makes me so happy, it's hard to stand it.

I kind of wish our conversations could be a little more personal and a little less academic, but that will come.

Whenever I get to this point, I feel reinvigorated, like I know I can wait for him, because I have faith that he'll see me having done this, gone through suffering the long periods without him, and committed to him without reciprocation and doing it only with the hope of someday having it, and realize that I'm someone worth getting to know.

My confidence grows as I realize that I'm getting my wheels spinning--my new job is going come December 1 to pay me enough to live on my own, and I'm going to move out sometime in December or January.

The one thing that's not going is the fact that I am behind on my history paper, a rough draft due Tuesday, and I have no way of writing 12-15 pages on it. Shit. I should go do that.

So I spoke too soon. Last night he asked what I was doing today and wondered if I wanted to go to a movie with him. I said yes and he said he'd get back to me later. That hasn't happened, so I guess he changed his mind.

God particularly likes torturing me.

Tonight's one of those tough nights where I'm really feeling self-pitying. I guess I'll just work on history.

OMG. I just got asked to go to a movie by someone super special. I have butterflies :D

Paucitous Writing: Good Reasons

Busy, busy, busy is the motto of my life right now.

I did finish and turn in my historiographical essay, and after I post this, I'll read more of my book on which I'm presenting (thank God, it's only half that I REALLY have to worry about). I'm going to try to reach page 83 tonight (on 60 right now), and tomorrow I'll get through to about page 120 if possible. I have my lunch hour where I'll do some reading, so that should help.

So, yeah, I have three more days (next two Mondays and this Wednesday) at the prison, and then it's the end of that job and on to full time at the Peds clinic. I kind of wish I made more than 12.20 an hour, but compared to 9 an hour and having to leave more than 15 minutes earlier, I'll take it. I save a TON on gas.

I've had two glasses of white zin tonight. I seriously need to stop drinking that stuff, because it tastes so good that I keep drinking it.

Okay, so I finished the first season of Rome (SOOO GOOD.), and a lot of sewing. My goal is by the end of the second season to have adequately sewn enough on my dolphins to have the top right quadrant done.

Of course, this weekend=research on virgin cults and Mariology in late antique Rome. That and a flu clinic.

By the way, we FINALLY got our shipment of vaccine in, so we're calling parents, setting up clinics, which means extra hours at work for me (YAY!). I also get paid in about two hours (YAY), and I don't have to put a damned penny towards my credit card.


I'm too spastic with this much wine in me. I'm getting off of this computer!

What To Do?

It's 9:30, and I've almost exhausted the amount of things that I can do (key=almost). I finished a draft of my historiographical essay today, and will edit several times tomorrow. Probably one or two whilst at work for the prisons--I have to give them my 2 weeks notice tomorrow too.

I've already read 40 pages out of 200 on my next book for class (due in almost 3 weeks). I'm going to finish it this week and put together my notes for my discussion leadership. After that, I can focus solely on my virgin paper.

Money is irritating. I'm exhausting my savings account to pay off my credit card. I'm supposed to be paid 108 that I've never seen from UCCS, and then this Friday I get paid about $530 from work. Still, that means my savings will only have about $750 in it. Ugh. At least next Friday I get about $153, and then another $500 the week after that. Once I start full time, my pay will be around $900 every two weeks...maybe slightly less than that.

It's hard to believe 2009 is coming to an end.

Ugh, I am so busy on one hand, but so not busy on another. It's frustrating and impossible to describe.

I think I'll watch another episode of Rome before trying to clean my room some and then go to bed.

Life Progress

Finally, things are feeling like they're turning around.

Let's go through the things that I've gone through in the last few days:

1) I just got offered full time at my pediatrics job, which means I'll get at least 40 hours a week, with the opportunity for more with Saturdays 8-12 and flu clinics as our supplies start coming in. Come 2010 (as that's when I'm going to elect into the benefits system), I'll have health care, dental, and vision insurance. Plus, on top of that, I'll be making at least 12.20 an hour. No bitching here.

2) I FINISHED reading my book for class 4 days early, which means the next three can be dedicated towards finishing my historiographical essay. Only two more books to read for class this semester, including my all-time favorite historian and inventor of late antiquity, Peter Brown.

3) I had an awesome time with Thom last weekend, and I sent him flowers that he liked. It's a long, involved story, so I might share that for another night.

4) I got Rome the HBO series in at the library (LOVE IT).

5) My credit card balance as of Monday will be $0.

6) In general, goodwill and glee is to be found. Yay!

Trudging

That's how progress is on my recent Roman history book, which I am desperately trying to finish as early as I can, since I have the 24th for discussion. I'm on 251 out of 516, which is more than I anticipated reaching this week. Good things that help: I have Wednesday and Friday morning off, so that's eight hours of reading. Things that don't help: 4 hours of work on Saturday and the internet.

That's all I can really say right now.

Que Sera, Sera

Stupid blogger accents...grr.

Anyways, that is the attitude I'm taking right now with all of that. Last night was great, despite the fact that Paranormal Activity scared me so much that I got 0 hours of sleep last night...it was much better to share that scariness with someone than no one, for sure. It was good to just hang out without worrying about anything (which I conscientiously decided before going over).

I was a little sad at the end, but I feel okay in general.

Okay, so I'll be honest, when he opened the door, my heart skipped a beat. When I saw him, I still felt the same things--that he's the most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on, both inside and out. I was googly. It was a little tough going to dinner because my food wasn't that good (I DO NOT RECOMMEND FRIED SALMON) and Red Robin is really loud in general. Although we both agreed one of the servers (totally straight, unfortunately) had a really nice ass.

I love how I irritate him by paying for everything. I do it intentionally, because at some point, I'll irritate him so much that he feels obligated to ask me out (saving me the burden of worrying about it) instead of the other way around.

My bowling was improved, as I got 86, 110, 86, and 117 in my four games.

My Roman history is okay--giant soap opera really. I'm turning in two reviews this week, which will end my review demand. I still have two essays to write in basically two weeks, but that's doable. I also have to prep my classroom discussion. I'm going to postpone applying for winter jobs until I finish all of that.

I'm not looking forward to working tomorrow (ugh) at either job really. I hate driving all the way down to the world arena and back...and what I really hate is trying to find things to do over 4 hours. I mean, it's pretty easy to occupy myself entering data for about 2 hours, but after that it's a crapshoot. They want me to read about different treatment programs, but it doesn't mean much to me.

I need a three day weekend soon...won't happen for a while, desafortunamente.

I have a gay online chat open because I like to read the drama and it's big tonight. Holy cow. All out cat fight on tonight, people.

I'm really spastic.

And I need to go back to reading about Rome.

So...I've Given Up

Yeah, I know I'm only 22, but I've given up hope that another man is going to see me for something other than a slab of meat to be used as he wants. One of the things that sucks about 22 is that I'm looked at as immature, solely interested in sex, and filled with drama. I'm sick of it. Then, as soon as age starts to show on me, no one will really look at me.

So I figure it's time now to just accept the fact that I'm going to be single my whole life and that instead of wondering, I'm just going to work hard, like I've always done, and occupy myself as best I can in other ways. This doesn't mean that my feelings towards Thom are diminished at all, but I realize that neither he nor anyone else will seriously look at me. Case in point-the last three guys I was chatting with online I bored. And these weren't guys looking for a hook-up either.

Eh, it's okay I guess. It means I'll be spending less money, I suppose. Dinner for one is a WHOLE lot cheaper than dinner for two.

Besides, with my realization that I am indeed totally undesirable, I can get back to working on my foreign languages, reading my books, and figuring out how to stress myself out. I'm starting the search for a third job on weekends and Friday mornings.

If I occupy myself enough, I won't have time to think about any of this.

In good news, my savings account has just crossed $1000 for the first time in AGES. My credit card is down to about $650, but will probably go up again because I'm going bowling tonight (alone, alas), and then tomorrow I'll be paying for dinner with Thom. Yes, I know. I'm already prepping myself not to get my hopes up at all, despite the fact that I know the moment I see him my heart will leap, and I'll get that googly look in my eyes when we're looking at each other and I see something different in him than he does in me. I already know what's going to happen with everything. I'm going to have to pretend I'm okay with being just friends, when deep down it tears me apart, and I don't want it to show because he'll feel weird or bad or whatever. I'll avoid being serious at all costs--even if it means being eaten alive for it.

I'm going to play a game of Dice Wars and then go to bowl.

Regret?

I'm kind of wondering if I regret these last six months and the choices that I've made in them. I didn't have so much pain then, because it was easy to suppress. I worked a ton of hours and I went to school a ton more, so it was okay to focus on work ALL the time.

Now, my life lacks structure. I have one class a week (that'll change soon), and work doesn't really demand much out of me. I'm working in my spare time on my history work, but it's hard to motivate myself right now. At least when I suppressed who I was, I could use my utter fear to propel me to work harder.

I honestly miss working myself so hard that at the end of the day I was too exhausted to do anything else. I miss getting up at 5 AM and going to bed at 12, not because of any special reason, but because I had to be up early to get to work and late to study. Now, I feel that that has slipped quite a bit.

I wish I could take lessons or something to keep me busy. PPCC has guitar Monday and Wednesday night...that would be nice...

Maybe I should.

Wondering What's Wrong

Someone asked me today if I was depressed, because I never really show any element of happiness. I was kind of put off by that. I mean, when I see a funny joke, I laugh, right?

I'm drained, I'll admit. Every morning when I wake up, I feel like jello, and it takes a good thirty minutes for my body to start waking up. Scary thing is that this week has not been one of my weeks where I don't sleep.

On top of that, I have almost no energy at night--perhaps because I spend it all during the day at work, because it's so hectic that I'm always moving at both jobs. Even though I really don't do anything at DOC, I'm still going from room to room. (Speaking of which, I am NOT looking forward to 4 hours there tomorrow...)

I had another (BORING) training session at work this morning, and now I'm trained to sort of do check-out, which is nice because if I'm assigned check-out, I don't have to deal directly with people coming in so much.

But like tonight, I came home, got some stuff and went to Starbucks, but I am just so lethargic in general that I don't feel like asking friends to do anything with me. I just kind of want to sink into a puddle.

Maybe I am depressed. Over the last few years, almost all of my friends have moved, which is difficult. To some degree, it's devastating, because I just don't have anyone who is able to meet with me. And I'm so tired all the time now, I really don't have the energy to put out the effort to go out. I'd rather read (if I can focus long enough to) or work on my masters degree. The only people in town I really do much with are Thom and Stacie...and neither of those has worked out well for various reasons.

I know I'm not hypothyrodic, because I haven't gained any weight, and that's a major symptom. Plus, I don't have the overwhelming tiredness.

I sent cards to Grant and Thom. I'll hear from Grant, because while he's in rehab, he's going to want someone to talk to. Thom won't even acknowledge me.

We're supposed to go to dinner this weekend, but I dunno. I hate this whole get revved up to see him only to be let down by the fact that I might hear from him once every two weeks and see him once a month thing.

I'm tired of everything. I wish I could have a fresh start someplace new...

The Second Class Citizen

We're going to lose Maine. I'm writing this at 1030 at night, watching the results come in, and it looks bad. We're going to go down by the same margin of 52-48 that went down in California. And this time, how do we explain it?

I am a second class citizen. I do not deserve equal rights in the eyes of my government, and Maine was supposed to change things, for some reason. Here is a relatively independent minded people who could have been the first people to assume that just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I deserve lesser rights.

I wanted this to be a different result, because I wanted us to gain a state by popular assent, not by the force of the judiciary or of the legislature. All the mechanisms by which I have to ask for rights that should be mine without the request are slow. Sure, five states will be a HELL of a lot better than the one we had at the beginning of the year. But we lost California a year ago, and now we're losing Maine. This isn't Mississippi or Alabama, states where people by and large are bigoted. This is Maine.

I think this result is going to set us back by 5 years, at the least.

And where do we turn now? Sure, DC will legalize by the end of the year. New York has a bill that will die because of the inadequacies of their senate. No other states have serious legislative agendas planned on the issue, and no court is going to act on our behalf at this point--mainly because no courts are hearing the issue. The only hope we have for a change is if the US Supreme Court accepts Massachusetts v. USA on DOMA and has DOMA overturned. Then, there's no point in maintaining constitutional amendments banning same sex marriage, because it can only ban those performed in the state, and with DOMA suspended, it means that I can go get married in Massachusetts or Iowa or wherever, and Colorado MUST accept my marriage as valid.

Right now, I really don't like the Catholic Church.

Tediosity=Life

I don't like being a 'grown-up' that much. I don't like how working 8 hours+ a day drains me--although it's not so bad when my work place can coordinate when it wants me to come in for training. That mishap cost me about 2 hours of work at the prison system today, which was frustrating...not that I would have done much anyways.

Tomorrow promises to be a LONG day--3 hours of training in the morning, 4 hours of work, and three hours of class. In the midst of that, I need to edit my research proposal and start my editing process on one of my reviews.

Halloween was kinda cool. I went to Goodwill with Julie and bought a rad outfit, assembled by my own hand. I'll post pics on facebook soon. We had a decently good time at Cowboys. It was slightly frustrating because the staff went shirtless...had to divert my eyes too many times ;-). Especially the one that didn't have a painted on shirt--wow. If I had a body like that, I'd have lines going out my door. Kinda weird face though. Faces matter. I don't need to change faces, because that's probably the hottest part of me.

I am going to be going to Cowboys' dance lessons at the end of the month--East and West coast swing. Anyone interested in coming with is more than welcome. By the way, Erin, once you turn 21, we need to go. They do card check at the door, so you're sort of off limits at certain times of the day.

I need to write Grant a letter in rehab. He needs as much support as possible, and to get a letter of encouragement should help. I'll do that after getting off of this.

I need to REALLY crack down on history. A month and two weeks to go to end of semester. GAH!

My Oh So Boring Life

So this week was not very exciting, in many respects. I started my new job at the Dept. of Corrections, and it looks like something that, frankly, I'm not going to enjoy that much. All I've done is a bunch of training thus far on privacy and stuff, which I don't need. I've learned how to enter a couple of forms into the database system, but that's about it so far.

It's problematic because all the UCCS students are psych people, and the work they do means something to them, and to me, this is all meaningless. I don't care about compiling statistics AT ALL. Plus, it is kind of irritating to have a bachelor's degree and only get paid $9 an hour. Last Thursday, I felt kind of lost about what to do with my time, because I entered all of my data by 9:30, and so from then until noon, I think I cleaned, I read some stuff about the treatment programs, and got the mail.

My other job has been causing me some emotional stress because of the overwhelming amount of panic about these flus. I mean, in a 4 hours shift, I probably answer about 30 calls, and of those 30, maybe 10-15 are about flu. I really want to tell these mothers that it actually would be a good thing in the long run for their kids to get the flu because first of all, flu normally does not damage children too much and second because we're so worried about not getting sick that the buggers are building up their forces to launch an onslaught against us. It gets worse that I cannot tell these mothers these things, and that I have to somehow console them by suggesting places to get vaccinated.

I get some angry ones too, but I try to calm them before it.

Then I get tired of having the onslaught of patients come in too, at times. Especially after fielding five or ten patients in a row, I start grating a little, and I can't take a break because there's no one else to be found to do the work. Last Friday, I pulled a full 8hr shift, and I was really frustrated by the general lack of help that I got. I guess it showed a little, because someone complained that I wasn't nice enough.

Irritating.

On top of that, I'm feeling undermotivated to work on history, which I really need to do. I'm unmotivated to do much right now, and with all of the stress between these two jobs, dealing with school, money, and then my whole personal problem world, it's really tough for me right now. Probably shows in that I cried three times last week, twice after work and once on Wednesday for other reasons.

Last night was okay, but I guess I'll talk about that tomorrow.