I've been reading for about 2 hours now about Hellenistic History & Culture, and I need a short break. Actually, the reading is going astonishingly well, when I don't stop to do whatever. The first chapter was about Macedonian kingship, which was kinda eh. The second (my favorite in all likelihood) was about the fringe societies of the Hellenistic world, particularly India and Meroe (Nubia). The one I'm on now deals with what makes Hellenistic art Hellenistic. It's okay, I suppose, except for the fact that it's 50 pages long, and I am not that well versed in art history. I have one more after that that's about 20 pages long to read on something...before tomorrow night.
I may write my third review on this book, even though I was hoping to do it worshiping the work of Peter Brown, who with Garrett Mattingly, is my favorite historian.
My finances are irritating me. What else is new there?
I've almost settled on getting my master's here. I mean, I have at least one good job. Why take the risk of having to pay tuition and then have to go through the whole job search AGAIN, after I've just recovered from almost a month of no work?
Speaking of work, I'm starting to get offers for my co-workers' daughters and sisters. Very awkward for me, because I can't just go and say "hmm...well, I don't know about your daughter, but tell me about your son".
I need to get back onto my Latin study still. UGH.
Got my flu vaccine today--and I'm starting to feel it a little bit. My throat was scratchy. Here's hoping the flu vaccine works this year!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Ah, Work. My Salvation
Work my be the thing that keeps me sane as everything sorts itself out. I got my other job working with the department of corrections. I go to UCCS to sort out the paperwork for the job (thank God, I don't have to go all the way down the to the World Arena), and then tomorrow, I start my 8-12 shift there. It's Monday-Thursday, so I retain Friday mornings free, in general. Except this week. I have to be at my peds office job at 7:30 this Friday because one of my co-workers asked for the morning off, so I need to fill in. At least I get off at 4 so that I can get to the hospital.
I'm almost recovered from my cold. I HATE being sick, because if I don't take any meds, then I exude symptoms of disease (runny nose and coughing, normally), but meds really mess up my brain. Normally, I do a very good job of filtering things, because too much honesty is very bad, both because I tend to be brutally honest and because I expose myself in ways I don't want to (see recent blog entries on that!). Plus, cold meds make me terribly emotional, and given how emotional I have been without the drugs, I really don't need acetamenophin, dextromorphin or whatever that is, and their accomplices to mess me up any more.
I AM SO BEHIND IN HISTORY. I have 100 pages to read in less than 36 hours. I only have a page and a half on my five-six page historiographical essay, I only have ONE review (out of three) done, although I just finished a draft of review two and now must obsessively edit it. Goals for this week:
1) Finish review two.
2) Finish current book for this and next week
3) Finish a draft of historiographic essay
4) Write my 2-3 page proposal on virginity in the Late Antique world and how the theology of Mary's virginity co-incides with all of that.
Should I mention my loathing of money? I probably shouldn't. Okay, I will. I hate money. More specifically, I hate staring at my savings account for a month now and it has not changed really. It's gone down maybe $25 dollars, but that's because I've been putting all my charges on credit. It's worked its way back up to about $600. So frustrating. It doesn't help that I won't see another paycheck for TWO WEEKS. Well, more like 12 days. But still. I've been looking for a third job that I can work on Sat and Sun, but I've seen nothing that's weekend only. With my recent rejection from Target (Never again will I use the word recalcitrant in an interview...) and the fact that Sears totally ignored me, I'm not sure what to expect in the whole retail world.
It also REALLY does not help that Christmas is coming.
I'm never going to make enough money to finally live on my own. GAH!
I'm almost recovered from my cold. I HATE being sick, because if I don't take any meds, then I exude symptoms of disease (runny nose and coughing, normally), but meds really mess up my brain. Normally, I do a very good job of filtering things, because too much honesty is very bad, both because I tend to be brutally honest and because I expose myself in ways I don't want to (see recent blog entries on that!). Plus, cold meds make me terribly emotional, and given how emotional I have been without the drugs, I really don't need acetamenophin, dextromorphin or whatever that is, and their accomplices to mess me up any more.
I AM SO BEHIND IN HISTORY. I have 100 pages to read in less than 36 hours. I only have a page and a half on my five-six page historiographical essay, I only have ONE review (out of three) done, although I just finished a draft of review two and now must obsessively edit it. Goals for this week:
1) Finish review two.
2) Finish current book for this and next week
3) Finish a draft of historiographic essay
4) Write my 2-3 page proposal on virginity in the Late Antique world and how the theology of Mary's virginity co-incides with all of that.
Should I mention my loathing of money? I probably shouldn't. Okay, I will. I hate money. More specifically, I hate staring at my savings account for a month now and it has not changed really. It's gone down maybe $25 dollars, but that's because I've been putting all my charges on credit. It's worked its way back up to about $600. So frustrating. It doesn't help that I won't see another paycheck for TWO WEEKS. Well, more like 12 days. But still. I've been looking for a third job that I can work on Sat and Sun, but I've seen nothing that's weekend only. With my recent rejection from Target (Never again will I use the word recalcitrant in an interview...) and the fact that Sears totally ignored me, I'm not sure what to expect in the whole retail world.
It also REALLY does not help that Christmas is coming.
I'm never going to make enough money to finally live on my own. GAH!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Ok, honesty time
So I should take a few moments to clarify that I am sick, and frequently I do not think very well or lucidly when ill.
But what I have to say is a little bit, I dunno, exposing to me. I really don't believe in all that Celtic spirituality stuff I profess to believe in. I don't have a lot of special powers. I made all of it up to cope with the fact that I am undesirable. I say I'm destined by some external force to be alone, when in reality, it's just because I'm not really that lovable.
I will wake up alone at 50, but not because God ordains it so.
Being sick and heartbroken kinda sucks.
But what I have to say is a little bit, I dunno, exposing to me. I really don't believe in all that Celtic spirituality stuff I profess to believe in. I don't have a lot of special powers. I made all of it up to cope with the fact that I am undesirable. I say I'm destined by some external force to be alone, when in reality, it's just because I'm not really that lovable.
I will wake up alone at 50, but not because God ordains it so.
Being sick and heartbroken kinda sucks.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
An Addendum
My sister asked me the other day why I commit myself like this, why I don't just take the easier route, give up, and look elsewhere.
Suffice it to say, my sister has never been in a relationship, and I don't think she'll ever get to the stage of a serious one with that kind of thinking.
These things are NEVER easy. They take hard work, and sometimes they take sacrifice and suffering. Am I tired of suffering? Absolutely. Do I wish that I could just wave a magic wand to make it easy? No. It's not worth anything if it's not worth working for. I will keep doing it, because I'm willing to put the work into this to find out if it works. Sometimes, that work involves waiting a long time for someone to come around. If I didn't think that Thom was someone worth waiting for and working on improving myself for, I wouldn't be going through this.
I bitch here to vent; I cry to release my frustrations; but I do NOT give up.
I do hope sincerely that when he gets over the last guy who hurt him, he looks around and sees that I'm still here, and that I've waited all of this time for the right reasons. If he doesn't, then that's the way life works, and I will go on.
Meanwhile, I start my position at ABC Peds tomorrow--as all of last week was just training. Now, starts the tough part of the job: constant exposure to germies, whiny moms, etc. But it's 4 hours a day, so it's not too much.
Furthermore, I really need to buckle down on ancient history. Today I finish my research for my historiographical paper and I'll compose a tentative outline for my review on Cantarella. Course scheds are coming out Monday, I think. We shall see what awaits my spring semester...
Suffice it to say, my sister has never been in a relationship, and I don't think she'll ever get to the stage of a serious one with that kind of thinking.
These things are NEVER easy. They take hard work, and sometimes they take sacrifice and suffering. Am I tired of suffering? Absolutely. Do I wish that I could just wave a magic wand to make it easy? No. It's not worth anything if it's not worth working for. I will keep doing it, because I'm willing to put the work into this to find out if it works. Sometimes, that work involves waiting a long time for someone to come around. If I didn't think that Thom was someone worth waiting for and working on improving myself for, I wouldn't be going through this.
I bitch here to vent; I cry to release my frustrations; but I do NOT give up.
I do hope sincerely that when he gets over the last guy who hurt him, he looks around and sees that I'm still here, and that I've waited all of this time for the right reasons. If he doesn't, then that's the way life works, and I will go on.
Meanwhile, I start my position at ABC Peds tomorrow--as all of last week was just training. Now, starts the tough part of the job: constant exposure to germies, whiny moms, etc. But it's 4 hours a day, so it's not too much.
Furthermore, I really need to buckle down on ancient history. Today I finish my research for my historiographical paper and I'll compose a tentative outline for my review on Cantarella. Course scheds are coming out Monday, I think. We shall see what awaits my spring semester...
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Back to Old Habits
Well, I tried, and I utterly failed. Not that I'm totally surprised by this process of events--every other attempt I've ever made has failed. I'm starting to really grow convinced that I'm supposed to be this way. In one of my facebook notes, I mentioned how I generally feel called to be somone who loves monogamously. I didn't say that someone would return that to me.
I tend to believe in some of the ways of my Celtic ancestors. I know that I have a powerful insight, not only into other people, but into certain future events. I can't predict certainties, but my intuition gives me the ability to gauge future events on my visceral responses to particular questions. When I inquire as to how my life will be, my intuition makes it clear that solitude is in my future--why, I don't know. But I'll ask whether I'll ever have anyone who will treat me the way I am willing to treat others, and the answer is unanimously no.
I feel the overwhelming desire to go back to the way things used to be for me--where I was content to take 28 credit hours a semester, work 20 hours+ a week, and really have no life. I can't be hurt that way, because I'm so successful with school and work that I don't have to worry about being vulnerable.
My heart is devastated. My mind a shambles. And I stare at a wall of overwhelming silence. I have so many questions, and so few answers.
I'm tired of suffering.
I tend to believe in some of the ways of my Celtic ancestors. I know that I have a powerful insight, not only into other people, but into certain future events. I can't predict certainties, but my intuition gives me the ability to gauge future events on my visceral responses to particular questions. When I inquire as to how my life will be, my intuition makes it clear that solitude is in my future--why, I don't know. But I'll ask whether I'll ever have anyone who will treat me the way I am willing to treat others, and the answer is unanimously no.
I feel the overwhelming desire to go back to the way things used to be for me--where I was content to take 28 credit hours a semester, work 20 hours+ a week, and really have no life. I can't be hurt that way, because I'm so successful with school and work that I don't have to worry about being vulnerable.
My heart is devastated. My mind a shambles. And I stare at a wall of overwhelming silence. I have so many questions, and so few answers.
I'm tired of suffering.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
It's all futile, really
Let's get one thing straight, I know he's not into me. I just know it. My brain is not stupid, it is not blind. Here's the reason: he doesn't make an effort. Two weeks ago, we went to dinner at Slayton's, and I paid the bill. He later said that I shouldn't have had to pay for mediocre barbeque, but I said if it was that bad for him, he could take me out to dinner. You normally don't wait two weeks for something like that if you're interested at all.
He knows that I am interested and yet makes no effort to get a hold of me. Sometimes I'll send texts and get ignored. I get no reciprocity, really. Which is so odd, because when we do happen to meet up--once every two weeks if I'm lucky, we get along pretty well, I mean we talk readily about a lot of different things. But, like I said, I'm not blind.
He says he gets really busy this time of year, but if you're interested in someone, then you make the time for him or her, even when your schedule is crazy. He doesn't really make any time for me.
At this point, I don't pray that he forms an interest in me (I gave up on that, and besides, God doesn't even have that kind of power). I do though that he opens up to whatever man it is that will give him the world and more and one to whom he would be ready to give as well. I really wish people could see how amazing he is really. I mean, it takes a lot for me to be in awe of someone, and I definitely feel that way about him.
The thing is that I won't look elsewhere, because my heart's one strength over my brain is its ability to fixate, and mine has already made it clear that it won't give up until he starts seeing someone else or the day comes when he really is ready to start and he just tells me that I'm not.
So, I will wait, I will do it patiently, even though I already know the outcome; because that's what it means to whatever.
Tonight's going to involve a lot of crying.
He knows that I am interested and yet makes no effort to get a hold of me. Sometimes I'll send texts and get ignored. I get no reciprocity, really. Which is so odd, because when we do happen to meet up--once every two weeks if I'm lucky, we get along pretty well, I mean we talk readily about a lot of different things. But, like I said, I'm not blind.
He says he gets really busy this time of year, but if you're interested in someone, then you make the time for him or her, even when your schedule is crazy. He doesn't really make any time for me.
At this point, I don't pray that he forms an interest in me (I gave up on that, and besides, God doesn't even have that kind of power). I do though that he opens up to whatever man it is that will give him the world and more and one to whom he would be ready to give as well. I really wish people could see how amazing he is really. I mean, it takes a lot for me to be in awe of someone, and I definitely feel that way about him.
The thing is that I won't look elsewhere, because my heart's one strength over my brain is its ability to fixate, and mine has already made it clear that it won't give up until he starts seeing someone else or the day comes when he really is ready to start and he just tells me that I'm not.
So, I will wait, I will do it patiently, even though I already know the outcome; because that's what it means to whatever.
Tonight's going to involve a lot of crying.
Monday, October 12, 2009
The Meaning of Patience
I sort of made an idiot of myself, as I mentioned yesterday, and I was thinking some today about how stupid I really made myself, and to a certain extent, somewhat shallow....for lack of a better word.
I realized today that part of saying that I'm going to be willing to wait means that I have to do it with a spirit of charity, not of impatience. There's an element that says it's good to do the right thing--i.e. waiting in every sense of the word. There is no way that I'm willing to let another man interfere with the commitment that I'm willing to make here. I've had a few less than virtuous offers in the last weeks, but I refuse to give in on those accounts, because I realized why I always heard that it's a good idea to wait. If he finally realizes what is in front of him (i.e., me) had decides that I'm worth risking, and that he is too, it would be amazing.
My attitude has to dictate how I'm going to wait these weeks or even months (hopefully not years). Each day that goes by is one less day I have to wait, to wait to hear his voice again, to wait to see him, and hopefully for him to take the chance on me. I don't have to do it with a hover of fear, as I have. I've been afraid that by trying to do the right thing, I'll end up getting burned, and that's the completely wrong way of taking it.
The right way is to wait with hope, and to wait with confidence. In the meantime, I improve upon myself. I work hard at school, because it means that I will be able to provide better for myself and for whoever the man of my future is, whether it is Thom or not. Whenever I conjure the image of one for which I want to be able to do that, it just so happens that it's him because I like him, but consciously, I know that I want to do this for whoever out there is hopefully destined to be with me. Poor sucker.
But I'll save money, work hard, and hopefully get even better jobs than where I'm at now. In the meantime, I have to hope that his eyes are slowly realizing that I'm not like the exes who didn't treat him the right way. I have to hope he sees in me someone who could make him happy if he just let me in, the way that I have let him in for me. I have to hope he sees that the fact that I was willing to wait says something about who I am. And I do it with optimistic anticipation now, not with a pessimism typical of me. If I end up hurt because of it, then that's life. But I don't think he's the kind of man who would make me wait and then hurt me.
The meaning of patience is to stand up and to take every minute, realizing that it's one minute less of waiting, not one more minute of torture. The time I have to wait is always growing shorter. That's a good way of seeing it, I suppose.
I realized today that part of saying that I'm going to be willing to wait means that I have to do it with a spirit of charity, not of impatience. There's an element that says it's good to do the right thing--i.e. waiting in every sense of the word. There is no way that I'm willing to let another man interfere with the commitment that I'm willing to make here. I've had a few less than virtuous offers in the last weeks, but I refuse to give in on those accounts, because I realized why I always heard that it's a good idea to wait. If he finally realizes what is in front of him (i.e., me) had decides that I'm worth risking, and that he is too, it would be amazing.
My attitude has to dictate how I'm going to wait these weeks or even months (hopefully not years). Each day that goes by is one less day I have to wait, to wait to hear his voice again, to wait to see him, and hopefully for him to take the chance on me. I don't have to do it with a hover of fear, as I have. I've been afraid that by trying to do the right thing, I'll end up getting burned, and that's the completely wrong way of taking it.
The right way is to wait with hope, and to wait with confidence. In the meantime, I improve upon myself. I work hard at school, because it means that I will be able to provide better for myself and for whoever the man of my future is, whether it is Thom or not. Whenever I conjure the image of one for which I want to be able to do that, it just so happens that it's him because I like him, but consciously, I know that I want to do this for whoever out there is hopefully destined to be with me. Poor sucker.
But I'll save money, work hard, and hopefully get even better jobs than where I'm at now. In the meantime, I have to hope that his eyes are slowly realizing that I'm not like the exes who didn't treat him the right way. I have to hope he sees in me someone who could make him happy if he just let me in, the way that I have let him in for me. I have to hope he sees that the fact that I was willing to wait says something about who I am. And I do it with optimistic anticipation now, not with a pessimism typical of me. If I end up hurt because of it, then that's life. But I don't think he's the kind of man who would make me wait and then hurt me.
The meaning of patience is to stand up and to take every minute, realizing that it's one minute less of waiting, not one more minute of torture. The time I have to wait is always growing shorter. That's a good way of seeing it, I suppose.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Wow, twice in as many days
So, I must admit that my last post was made under emotional duress. I did not sleep very well the previous two nights. My brain works in a funny way: I need at least 4 hours of sleep to have any effectiveness whatsoever, and Thursday night, that was all I got. I have a tendency to be crabby when I don't have at least six, so I was a little bitchy. The dog kept waking me, and I had coffee too late in the day.
Friday night was an absolute disaster sleeping, with only about 2 hours. Accumulation of deprivation is really bad. After a couple of days of sub-par sleep, I start losing control of my emotions, and I've said it before, I'm basically a Vulcan. I have to have a strong control of my emotions because if I don't, then it runs like wildfire. Had I not gotten a decent night's sleep last night, I would have been crazy today, in a psychopathic kind of way.
But anyways, now that that's all better, I can get back to work. I went to Grace Episcopal this morning, and thanks to the icy roads, it was disastrous driving (almost hit by psycho-lady), and there were literally more people who did all of the liturgical stuff for their service (mass?) than attendees.
Whatever. Anyways, the rest of today should be dedicated to further pursuits in the historical field, as I desperately try to get ahead before I'm working half time. If I don't have something by the time I hit full-time stride, I'm going to be screwed.
I made a list of five things to work on by the end of the year:
1. Work on my potty mouth (I'm going to get rid of 'shit' and 'fuck' from my vocab. It sounds nasty, and I don't like saying it).
2. Obviously, my graduate school work.
3. Eliminate credit card debt (only $500, but still...).
4. Raise savings to at least $1500 (may not be possible...we'll see)
5. Re-energize Latin/French. Four languages at one time is too much for me.
Friday night was an absolute disaster sleeping, with only about 2 hours. Accumulation of deprivation is really bad. After a couple of days of sub-par sleep, I start losing control of my emotions, and I've said it before, I'm basically a Vulcan. I have to have a strong control of my emotions because if I don't, then it runs like wildfire. Had I not gotten a decent night's sleep last night, I would have been crazy today, in a psychopathic kind of way.
But anyways, now that that's all better, I can get back to work. I went to Grace Episcopal this morning, and thanks to the icy roads, it was disastrous driving (almost hit by psycho-lady), and there were literally more people who did all of the liturgical stuff for their service (mass?) than attendees.
Whatever. Anyways, the rest of today should be dedicated to further pursuits in the historical field, as I desperately try to get ahead before I'm working half time. If I don't have something by the time I hit full-time stride, I'm going to be screwed.
I made a list of five things to work on by the end of the year:
1. Work on my potty mouth (I'm going to get rid of 'shit' and 'fuck' from my vocab. It sounds nasty, and I don't like saying it).
2. Obviously, my graduate school work.
3. Eliminate credit card debt (only $500, but still...).
4. Raise savings to at least $1500 (may not be possible...we'll see)
5. Re-energize Latin/French. Four languages at one time is too much for me.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Ok, so I need to post something for a change
My over a month absence has been inexcusable, and I msut apologize for it. Things have been kind of rough, and these last weeks have had some pretty monumental changes involved.
The first being graduate school. I thought I really was going to be out of my league on this one, getting sucked into something that I couldn't do. I know my friend Pearl is having some difficulties herself with feeling like she belongs in grad school. but for me, I haven't felt more confident in my abilities in my life. Part of it was the fact that for the first time over the summer, I paid for all of my classes, which showed me that I can do it if I have to. I basically have to sacrifice everything that I want, but I did it. Furthermore, it made me value my education more. I feel like when I have something to say, that it makes some kind of contribution to the class--and not like before where I would make irrelevant contributions, but I'm making a substantial effort here, and it's paying off. Now, I don't know about my written work yet...Duvick has yet to return any of it to me, but I think my first review was competent. I know now that I definitely picked the right field for me...I'm an historian first and foremost.
The second thing being the whole process of coming out. It's mostly complete, and the people closest to me in my life now all know, including both of my parents, who took it much better than I surmised they would. They're probably not at full acceptance stage yet, but they've both had emotional days, and what surprised me was my maturity--I wasn't afraid of my parents anymore. I really thought that my dad would have strangled me, but the strange thing is that he values his time with me more. He knows where I'm coming from and hereally sees that he raised a good, upstanding man. There are many people who don't know yet, for varying reasons, but I'm not ashamed any longer. The fact that with this post, I am now linking my facebook to my blog means that I'm okay with other people I know reading into these elements of my life. I don't know how many of you will end up reading this, but the support that many of you have given me has meant so much. My sister, Erin, and some of my best friends, including Karin, Maricor, Stacie, and especially Thom, your support has meant so much, that I cannot say. Then on top of that, to have people who I barely know willing to help and support me like Grant, Michaela, and Kaleena means so much to me too.
The third, and perhaps most important factor, has been the fact that I accept and care about myself. I used to do things for the wrong reasons--to have other people's acceptance. Now I do good things because I care about others. I look at myself in the mirror, and instead of putting myself down, I challenge myself to do more than I did yesterday, to keep trying when things look darkest. There is always the temptation within to revert, especially when things don't go my way, but those dark days are things to which I cannot return.
There are still things that leave me jumbled and confused. Before I went to New Orleans/Pensacola last month, I sent Thom a letter telling him how important he is to me and how much I care about him. He's gone through far worse than I ever will, and that in part has conditioned him to be afraid to let other people in. I don't want to say too much to respect his privacy, but I can't imagine myself having pushed through the things he has suffered, and yet, despite it all, his outlook is great.
There's something about him that leaves me in awe. I mean, none of my readers out there know him, but he is more fascinating than anyone I've probably met. He's the only person I have met who is able so consistently to challenge me across the board--intellectually, creatively, and personally. Actually, I think he's probably smarter than I am, which is a huge challenge to me, because when it comes to brains, I like to be competitive. He's definitely wiser, but in wisdom, I have learned that it's not so much how much of it that you have, but how much you value the wisdom that you do have. For that, I can thank my Celtic ancestry.
I'm kind of stuck because I want to respect his space and let him sort through things, but at the same time, I want to do things that show him that I care, and I want him to get the chance to know me as I have him. Materially speaking, I'm not that great of a catch, because so much of my money goes towards school. I mean, if this was Jane Austen times, I couldn't get a fisherman's daughter. But the thing is that I work hard, I value what and who I have in my life, and as soon as I finish my graduate work, that material problem will go away, no problem at all. It's awkward, because he's the first person that I've genuinely been interested in who will even talk to me...my past experiences have been people ignoring and rejecting me.
I'm scared too on a certain level that there will be some hot hunk who swoops in and snatches him, and I'll be all "dammit, I tried to do the right thing by respecting his need to heal, and this jackass came in".
I could use some advice here...obviously. My inexperience means that I need the help of my much more successful friends in this matter.
The final bit of good news is that I have not only one, but two (probably...) jobs! Come Monday, I start my training to be a medical receptionist for a pediatric office, which will be a 1-5 PM job; and then I'm the leading candidate for a job doing data entry with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I have to go through a ridiculous amount of background checking into my life and all kinds of polygraph tests and stuff. They both pay better than my last job. I'm still considering a third one, but with grad school, I doubt that three is a smart thing.
Well, thus, I must say that life looks like it's slowly swinging up.
Before I neglect it too much, this month has brought me my first visits to Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and Georgia, so I'm up to 33 states and DC. Only 17 to go before I've hit my first big travel goal...
The first being graduate school. I thought I really was going to be out of my league on this one, getting sucked into something that I couldn't do. I know my friend Pearl is having some difficulties herself with feeling like she belongs in grad school. but for me, I haven't felt more confident in my abilities in my life. Part of it was the fact that for the first time over the summer, I paid for all of my classes, which showed me that I can do it if I have to. I basically have to sacrifice everything that I want, but I did it. Furthermore, it made me value my education more. I feel like when I have something to say, that it makes some kind of contribution to the class--and not like before where I would make irrelevant contributions, but I'm making a substantial effort here, and it's paying off. Now, I don't know about my written work yet...Duvick has yet to return any of it to me, but I think my first review was competent. I know now that I definitely picked the right field for me...I'm an historian first and foremost.
The second thing being the whole process of coming out. It's mostly complete, and the people closest to me in my life now all know, including both of my parents, who took it much better than I surmised they would. They're probably not at full acceptance stage yet, but they've both had emotional days, and what surprised me was my maturity--I wasn't afraid of my parents anymore. I really thought that my dad would have strangled me, but the strange thing is that he values his time with me more. He knows where I'm coming from and hereally sees that he raised a good, upstanding man. There are many people who don't know yet, for varying reasons, but I'm not ashamed any longer. The fact that with this post, I am now linking my facebook to my blog means that I'm okay with other people I know reading into these elements of my life. I don't know how many of you will end up reading this, but the support that many of you have given me has meant so much. My sister, Erin, and some of my best friends, including Karin, Maricor, Stacie, and especially Thom, your support has meant so much, that I cannot say. Then on top of that, to have people who I barely know willing to help and support me like Grant, Michaela, and Kaleena means so much to me too.
The third, and perhaps most important factor, has been the fact that I accept and care about myself. I used to do things for the wrong reasons--to have other people's acceptance. Now I do good things because I care about others. I look at myself in the mirror, and instead of putting myself down, I challenge myself to do more than I did yesterday, to keep trying when things look darkest. There is always the temptation within to revert, especially when things don't go my way, but those dark days are things to which I cannot return.
There are still things that leave me jumbled and confused. Before I went to New Orleans/Pensacola last month, I sent Thom a letter telling him how important he is to me and how much I care about him. He's gone through far worse than I ever will, and that in part has conditioned him to be afraid to let other people in. I don't want to say too much to respect his privacy, but I can't imagine myself having pushed through the things he has suffered, and yet, despite it all, his outlook is great.
There's something about him that leaves me in awe. I mean, none of my readers out there know him, but he is more fascinating than anyone I've probably met. He's the only person I have met who is able so consistently to challenge me across the board--intellectually, creatively, and personally. Actually, I think he's probably smarter than I am, which is a huge challenge to me, because when it comes to brains, I like to be competitive. He's definitely wiser, but in wisdom, I have learned that it's not so much how much of it that you have, but how much you value the wisdom that you do have. For that, I can thank my Celtic ancestry.
I'm kind of stuck because I want to respect his space and let him sort through things, but at the same time, I want to do things that show him that I care, and I want him to get the chance to know me as I have him. Materially speaking, I'm not that great of a catch, because so much of my money goes towards school. I mean, if this was Jane Austen times, I couldn't get a fisherman's daughter. But the thing is that I work hard, I value what and who I have in my life, and as soon as I finish my graduate work, that material problem will go away, no problem at all. It's awkward, because he's the first person that I've genuinely been interested in who will even talk to me...my past experiences have been people ignoring and rejecting me.
I'm scared too on a certain level that there will be some hot hunk who swoops in and snatches him, and I'll be all "dammit, I tried to do the right thing by respecting his need to heal, and this jackass came in".
I could use some advice here...obviously. My inexperience means that I need the help of my much more successful friends in this matter.
The final bit of good news is that I have not only one, but two (probably...) jobs! Come Monday, I start my training to be a medical receptionist for a pediatric office, which will be a 1-5 PM job; and then I'm the leading candidate for a job doing data entry with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I have to go through a ridiculous amount of background checking into my life and all kinds of polygraph tests and stuff. They both pay better than my last job. I'm still considering a third one, but with grad school, I doubt that three is a smart thing.
Well, thus, I must say that life looks like it's slowly swinging up.
Before I neglect it too much, this month has brought me my first visits to Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and Georgia, so I'm up to 33 states and DC. Only 17 to go before I've hit my first big travel goal...
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