I find it pretty weird that whenever I have solitude, I don't want it at all, but whenever I really want it, there is none to be had.
July's over yesterday, which brings an end to a tortuous month for me. Lots of ups and downs (mostly downs), but all in all, one with which I am not highly satisfied.
These last few days, like most in the last couple of months, have been really revelatory. I've learned a few things, and for once, I don't tend to think that they are over-exaggerations of my typical variety.
First, I belong in Ireland. I've alluded to it quite a bit, but everyone who reads this is pretty much facebook friends with me, and as soon as I post this, I'm going to post my defense on Ireland. Essentially, I'm a part of it, it of me. It's the one thing that brings light into my world and give me hope. The only hope I really have any more is that someday I can return to the one land that felt like home to me and to really live up to being Eireannach.
Second, I am in no way ready for a relationship. It's good that the man in whom I was interested sort of distanced himself long enough for me to get my head together. I am not financially stable in any means right now that suggests relationship material. Furthermore, I have too many goals: grad school, saving money, getting home--that prevent me from being emotionally committed. Emotional commitment is always going to be hard because I've spent so little energy emotionally committing to myself. Intellectually, I have, and it's enough for me, but intellectualism is a lonely comfort. It doesn't lend to being a good mate.
Suffice it to say, I'm a lot more hurt than I let on.
All in all, I'm sure God's work at torturing me is making his amusement. I mean, why the hell would this amazing guy come in my life, someone in whom I am totally interested, only to have it snatched away? It's been this way about almost everything--I get something I want, admission into graduate school or some good universities, and the 'little' things get in the way. I would give up a lot of my goals to have it, but it's hard to break through "no".
I've had a long experience of unrequited intentions, and it's sickening how many of them I've had. It doesn't matter how much I show I'm interested, I've never been able to phase people towards me. It's been an external validation of the fact that I don't think I matter.
I'm trying to break out of this cycle of self-hatred and despair, but it's hard whenever I try, my external circumstances make everything that much more difficult, and seemingly confirm that I just don't measure up.
I do have one area where I am about to claim victory. It's not a big one, but it's a victory that I'll take. Little battles help me a lot.
I had a difficult drive to work today.
I'm sorry I'm so spastic. My neat little world has become in too short a time messy and chaotic, and I have to spend a lot of time trying to fix it.
It sucks being so alone in this world. The only comforts I have really are my books and the insane amount of work I make myself do. It probably doesn't help that most of my nucleus of friends has moved away in the last four years. I only have a couple of people who actually live in COS who I meet at all.
If I could cry, I would.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
My Blood Is Boiling
This has been probably the worst weekend I've had in a few months. By far. Actually, we could probably limit it to the last day and a half. Friday wasn't too terrible. My morning wasn't too bad because I went bowling and scored a 165 in my first game, a feat I had never accomplished. I knocked four strikes and three spares in my first game, leaving only two pins up in my third frame, five up in my seventh frame, and six in my last frame. My second two were kinda sucky, only 95 and 72 respectively. I still have yet to buy my shoes, but I'll work on that. I won't go bowling again probably until Tuesday and then Thursday night.
Speaking of Thursday nights, that ship has decided not to set sail. I dunno, I suppose it could have been worse, but I think I jumped the gun on a lot of things. Neither one of us was really ready, so I guess it's back to same old same old me. That's okay, I could use the extra sixty-ish bucks a week. Plus, my unhappy dark side gets to win one more battle.
That probably triggered my bad weekend, was realizing I've been too emotionally involved without using my brain. I normally pride myself on the opposite response. When I'm normal, it's very difficult to gauge my emotions on any issue (well, perhaps except sweet tea, which causes all kinds of anger to boil), because I am so analytical that the only thing that really guides my decisions is logic and reason. It wasn't so much the rejection, as I've sort of gotten used to it, such that I'm like a dog on my back. It sucks to be rejected so much, but I've learned that rejection is kind of the bedmate that I've never really seen was always there.
That made my work shift that night difficult, as I couldn't talk well to customers. I also had a hard time focusing on my homeland defense paper I was trying to finish (and finally did), and it was really hard for me to work on Greek for some reason. Greek and Latin normally are my really easy languages to work on, because you sort of live in your own world, as it's not a language with which one uses for communication.
Last night, I could not fall asleep, so I did what I frequently do, which is to go through all the things I have and ask myself "do I really need/want this?" and normally I get rid of about 10% of what I have each time I go through one of those. I've realized too that I do it because I figure if I clean up my messy environment, I might be able to clean up my messy mind.
So today comes around and it's the first Sunday in about two months that I have the morning off (more on that later), but anyways, I make the effort to go to church, and I normally have always stood in the back, because I thought I wanted to avoid being next to other people for health reasons. When I was there today, I really felt that the reason I wanted to stand in the back was because I knew I didn't belong with those people, I was an outsider, some kind of contagion to the pristine world order. What's odd is that these last couple of months have brought me back to a lot of the saints and the Virgin (I'm still having a hard time with the big man, especially considering his UTTER lack of humanity and the ability to empathize with what I'm going through---plus I think he's delibrately torturing me). I mean, I really want to embrace the old-fashioned traditional Catholicism in hippy-Jesusville. I don't partake of sacraments for multiple reasons (I don't think that select males should have the right to have control of divine intervention with man, and frankly, I don't think I should receive them as a part of my life's goal of self-loathing).
I don't belong in that other place either. I'm not a part of the rainbow coalition. I really have no interest in being a part of the 'gay community', since pretty much all of them are just a bunch of bitching fags (says the fag bitching on this blog...) who want to go to Wicked and sing in a choir and then have meaningless sex. Then we go for drinks (fruity girly drinks, not an actual beer) and shoe for designer clothes while we forget that while we're doing all of that there are people for whom some good can be done. Those are people who are comfortable with whom they are, and I'm not that. I always knew I was different, and it was something I took pride in. As 14 and 15 rolled around, there was literally no development, and I thought "finally, here's why, I'm different from EVERYONE" I really liked the idea of being asexual because it made me less human. It made me less vulnerable.
16 was kind of a turning point for me, and I hated it. Suppression was possible thanks to IB and the sheer volume of what I had to do. It's a huge part of the reason why I decided to take 28 hours a semester, because between that and working, you can go ahead and say that you are asexual because you have literally no energy to contribute towards even THINKING about anything else. I miss those times.
But anyways, pretty much everyone who knows has been going and saying "I know this gay person or these lesbians or whatever" and then they go "you should meet". Ok. This actually is really irritating. I mean, I know single moms. Should I have them meet and 'support' each other because they're single moms? no. Should I introduce two seperate friends together because they're black? How about if you're both girls? Vaginas unite! By the way, I know three girls whose names are some spelling variation of Christina (Kristina, Cristina, whatever). Maybe I should introduce all of them to each other because it's so different having the name Christina.
The fact of the matter is that I don't care how many gay friends any of my friends have, I don't want to meet them. I don't really care. You can be friends with Elton John all you want, I don't really want to meet him just because he's gay. I don't need a fag support group. I don't need gay counseling. I don't go to pride parades because I don't think there's any reason to be proud of being gay. You should be proud because of the actions that you do and the constructiveness of your moral character, not which hole you prefer to fuck (or have fucked). I can proudly say that I'm not proud of being gay. Quite the opposite, really, because it's detracted so much from a very possibly productive life and a better lived one.
Basically, please don't sick gay friends on me. I have enough fags (me) in my life as it is.
Anyways, getting back to my sucky weekend, I drive to work today in the pouring rain, Union is TOTALLY flooded. I get there at 2:45, for my 3:30-8:30 shift. Turns out I was supposed to be there at 8 AM today. Fortunately, they didn't hate me too much, and they understood that I thought I was supposed to be there at 3:30. Consdiering I drove 25 miles in driving rain for no reason, they forgave me.
The only really good thing that has happened is that I've finished my homeland defense final, and it looks like I'm going to get around a 96% on it, which makes up for my disaster of a test last time, and which also means that I only need like a 75% on my paper to get an A. I've had two papers with grades less than that in my LIFE, once in 11th grade and once in 7th grade. I don't think there's much concern here.
Tomorrow my family and I are riding a train in Leadville (not my first idea of fun on my only day off this week....), and then Tuesday=HUGE finish day as I finish accounting forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, I intend (ev vw exw==closest thing to Greek I can do) to get as close to done on Cicero and my Greek for the month as possible while finishing my application for my second job. I'm really going to need my two days of total solitude next week.
Speaking of Thursday nights, that ship has decided not to set sail. I dunno, I suppose it could have been worse, but I think I jumped the gun on a lot of things. Neither one of us was really ready, so I guess it's back to same old same old me. That's okay, I could use the extra sixty-ish bucks a week. Plus, my unhappy dark side gets to win one more battle.
That probably triggered my bad weekend, was realizing I've been too emotionally involved without using my brain. I normally pride myself on the opposite response. When I'm normal, it's very difficult to gauge my emotions on any issue (well, perhaps except sweet tea, which causes all kinds of anger to boil), because I am so analytical that the only thing that really guides my decisions is logic and reason. It wasn't so much the rejection, as I've sort of gotten used to it, such that I'm like a dog on my back. It sucks to be rejected so much, but I've learned that rejection is kind of the bedmate that I've never really seen was always there.
That made my work shift that night difficult, as I couldn't talk well to customers. I also had a hard time focusing on my homeland defense paper I was trying to finish (and finally did), and it was really hard for me to work on Greek for some reason. Greek and Latin normally are my really easy languages to work on, because you sort of live in your own world, as it's not a language with which one uses for communication.
Last night, I could not fall asleep, so I did what I frequently do, which is to go through all the things I have and ask myself "do I really need/want this?" and normally I get rid of about 10% of what I have each time I go through one of those. I've realized too that I do it because I figure if I clean up my messy environment, I might be able to clean up my messy mind.
So today comes around and it's the first Sunday in about two months that I have the morning off (more on that later), but anyways, I make the effort to go to church, and I normally have always stood in the back, because I thought I wanted to avoid being next to other people for health reasons. When I was there today, I really felt that the reason I wanted to stand in the back was because I knew I didn't belong with those people, I was an outsider, some kind of contagion to the pristine world order. What's odd is that these last couple of months have brought me back to a lot of the saints and the Virgin (I'm still having a hard time with the big man, especially considering his UTTER lack of humanity and the ability to empathize with what I'm going through---plus I think he's delibrately torturing me). I mean, I really want to embrace the old-fashioned traditional Catholicism in hippy-Jesusville. I don't partake of sacraments for multiple reasons (I don't think that select males should have the right to have control of divine intervention with man, and frankly, I don't think I should receive them as a part of my life's goal of self-loathing).
I don't belong in that other place either. I'm not a part of the rainbow coalition. I really have no interest in being a part of the 'gay community', since pretty much all of them are just a bunch of bitching fags (says the fag bitching on this blog...) who want to go to Wicked and sing in a choir and then have meaningless sex. Then we go for drinks (fruity girly drinks, not an actual beer) and shoe for designer clothes while we forget that while we're doing all of that there are people for whom some good can be done. Those are people who are comfortable with whom they are, and I'm not that. I always knew I was different, and it was something I took pride in. As 14 and 15 rolled around, there was literally no development, and I thought "finally, here's why, I'm different from EVERYONE" I really liked the idea of being asexual because it made me less human. It made me less vulnerable.
16 was kind of a turning point for me, and I hated it. Suppression was possible thanks to IB and the sheer volume of what I had to do. It's a huge part of the reason why I decided to take 28 hours a semester, because between that and working, you can go ahead and say that you are asexual because you have literally no energy to contribute towards even THINKING about anything else. I miss those times.
But anyways, pretty much everyone who knows has been going and saying "I know this gay person or these lesbians or whatever" and then they go "you should meet". Ok. This actually is really irritating. I mean, I know single moms. Should I have them meet and 'support' each other because they're single moms? no. Should I introduce two seperate friends together because they're black? How about if you're both girls? Vaginas unite! By the way, I know three girls whose names are some spelling variation of Christina (Kristina, Cristina, whatever). Maybe I should introduce all of them to each other because it's so different having the name Christina.
The fact of the matter is that I don't care how many gay friends any of my friends have, I don't want to meet them. I don't really care. You can be friends with Elton John all you want, I don't really want to meet him just because he's gay. I don't need a fag support group. I don't need gay counseling. I don't go to pride parades because I don't think there's any reason to be proud of being gay. You should be proud because of the actions that you do and the constructiveness of your moral character, not which hole you prefer to fuck (or have fucked). I can proudly say that I'm not proud of being gay. Quite the opposite, really, because it's detracted so much from a very possibly productive life and a better lived one.
Basically, please don't sick gay friends on me. I have enough fags (me) in my life as it is.
Anyways, getting back to my sucky weekend, I drive to work today in the pouring rain, Union is TOTALLY flooded. I get there at 2:45, for my 3:30-8:30 shift. Turns out I was supposed to be there at 8 AM today. Fortunately, they didn't hate me too much, and they understood that I thought I was supposed to be there at 3:30. Consdiering I drove 25 miles in driving rain for no reason, they forgave me.
The only really good thing that has happened is that I've finished my homeland defense final, and it looks like I'm going to get around a 96% on it, which makes up for my disaster of a test last time, and which also means that I only need like a 75% on my paper to get an A. I've had two papers with grades less than that in my LIFE, once in 11th grade and once in 7th grade. I don't think there's much concern here.
Tomorrow my family and I are riding a train in Leadville (not my first idea of fun on my only day off this week....), and then Tuesday=HUGE finish day as I finish accounting forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, I intend (ev vw exw==closest thing to Greek I can do) to get as close to done on Cicero and my Greek for the month as possible while finishing my application for my second job. I'm really going to need my two days of total solitude next week.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Back to Banality
So I'm going to have a boring blog, so Kaleena, feel free to skim. I'll make a point to mention juicy details at the top of each blog, and highlight or italicize important sections to facilitate skimming (don't feel bad, the first time I see a new post, I skim too. It's only after certain individuals don't post after a few days [ahem, to everyone, really] that the accumulated skimming results in an actual read of a column).
Actually, everyone could pretty much skip this section completely, because it's going to be a list of basically total boredom about my incessant need to punish my brain by pounding it with high levels of intellectual stress to cope with the seeming emptiness of that which is my life.
If you would rather spend the next minutes enjoying yourselves, please select one of the following links:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rFU1Y7zuyw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwBQC728v5s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGrjJ-9KwIY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCUebdSbBlU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJKChK8ZTM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AohSzvBr4cA&feature=related
Any and all of those (from my favorite show on the toob now, So You Think You Can Dance) would probably be better than anything I have to offer in these few words ahead. Plus, as many other addicts I can get to the cause will be WORTH it. By the way, I would totally give a leg to be able to dance like that, except I only have two, and it's hard to dance with only one leg...
First of all, I must say that Latin music totally makes my life better. I coul see myself someday sitting in some smoke-filled and run down cafe in San Jose or Havana (die already Castros) downing a local cerveza, listening to the rhythms flowing through me, and watching the young lovers dancing the night away. (Yes, I have been thinking about going to these two cities too much recently). I really badly want to go to Cuba for some reason. There's some mystique of tha old 1950s Havana that I think I'd be looking for, when for it I probably should be going to Miami instead.
I am so glad that I really invested the time in my life to learn Spanish, because it's one of those few real languages out there. A lot of language is stuffy and uppety. I take a LOT of pride in speaking Latin American Spanish and never learned the style of the Spanish of Spain. Spaniards are the uppety assholes who look down on the American speakers of Spanish (I'm speaking pan-American, not just US) because their style is corrupted by local dialects and has become the langauge of the "low-worker". Many Spaniards who come over to the Americas lose that VERY quickly, and it's because Hispanics are real people. When I get the chance to speak in Spanish to Latinos (especially those who speak almost no English), it's really great.
Speaking of Spanish, I'm all reviewed for July. I bought this grammar book to review grammatical rules (I don't really need the structures, I can still remember that If only I could...blah is translated as pudiera, but I really could use the help remembering when to use those structures). Once I finish it, I have two books in Spanish to knock off, one by the great Paolo Coehlo (he's Brazilian, I can't spell his name...I don't speak that language yet), the other is DonQuixote. I plan on getting a couple of Marquez books in Spanish, although I own most of them in English already (except Chronicle of a Death Foretold, the ONLY book I liked reading in English class....ironically...).
I'm also reviewed in Latin through this month already, as my aim was to get back to first semester proficiency, so next I get to push into my second semester of Latin. I'm starting to pick up on a lot of the ancient things (reading Cicero right now), so I'm hoping that I'll be able to read some Latin.
Of course, I've sacrificed a bit of my other langauge training, as I haven't really cared about French, Italian, or Greek for the last several days. I only have like 2 chapters to go in French until I reach my goal for the month. I have to go over negatives (totally a pain in French, Spanish and English win on this front) and then prepositional and colloquial phrases. My aim was to finish my Italian book, but I see I need a LOT of review on the semester and a half's worth that I've already finished. It's kind of cool because in one month I learned present, past, imperfect, and imperative verb forms in Italian, and I think I know already how future works. If I study a LOT of vocabulary and grammar over the next 6 months, I'll probably be fluent in Italian. Greek on the other hand, I need four more chapters before I reach my month's goal. I think I can hit it, especially since it's currently review for me. I know I have to go over the present progressive participle...
Having finished a couple of my goals for the month, I can spend the extra time finishing accounting and homeland defense. I'm going to start writing my final paper tonight for homeland. Then next week, I have two finals to take, and I'll be done with summer classes. Fall is somewhat simplified as I decided instead of jumping into the Slavic language family, I should knock off the rest of the major Romance languages---Portuguese, Romanian, and Catalan---first, and establish myself in the Germanic langauges better than I have (REVIEW GERMAN), and really try to learn my Celtic ones. On top of all of that, I am entering my first non-Indo-European language (Arabic) in August. I'm really going to have to get used to a whole new langauge structure and family, however, once I adapt, I might be able to hop into something like Hebrew.
Basically, this is how I see my future language development by the end of 2010:
Fluent: English, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese (Five Stars)
Competent: German, Greek, Latin (Four Stars)
Conversant: Arabic (Three Stars)
Intermediate: Gaelic, Romanian (Two Stars)
Beginner: Catalan, Dutch (One Star)
I actually may already be near that one star in Catalan, because I can translate most of it if I read it.
Ok, so my life is boring, deal with it.
At least I'm going bowling today before work.
Actually, everyone could pretty much skip this section completely, because it's going to be a list of basically total boredom about my incessant need to punish my brain by pounding it with high levels of intellectual stress to cope with the seeming emptiness of that which is my life.
If you would rather spend the next minutes enjoying yourselves, please select one of the following links:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rFU1Y7zuyw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwBQC728v5s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGrjJ-9KwIY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCUebdSbBlU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJKChK8ZTM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AohSzvBr4cA&feature=related
Any and all of those (from my favorite show on the toob now, So You Think You Can Dance) would probably be better than anything I have to offer in these few words ahead. Plus, as many other addicts I can get to the cause will be WORTH it. By the way, I would totally give a leg to be able to dance like that, except I only have two, and it's hard to dance with only one leg...
First of all, I must say that Latin music totally makes my life better. I coul see myself someday sitting in some smoke-filled and run down cafe in San Jose or Havana (die already Castros) downing a local cerveza, listening to the rhythms flowing through me, and watching the young lovers dancing the night away. (Yes, I have been thinking about going to these two cities too much recently). I really badly want to go to Cuba for some reason. There's some mystique of tha old 1950s Havana that I think I'd be looking for, when for it I probably should be going to Miami instead.
I am so glad that I really invested the time in my life to learn Spanish, because it's one of those few real languages out there. A lot of language is stuffy and uppety. I take a LOT of pride in speaking Latin American Spanish and never learned the style of the Spanish of Spain. Spaniards are the uppety assholes who look down on the American speakers of Spanish (I'm speaking pan-American, not just US) because their style is corrupted by local dialects and has become the langauge of the "low-worker". Many Spaniards who come over to the Americas lose that VERY quickly, and it's because Hispanics are real people. When I get the chance to speak in Spanish to Latinos (especially those who speak almost no English), it's really great.
Speaking of Spanish, I'm all reviewed for July. I bought this grammar book to review grammatical rules (I don't really need the structures, I can still remember that If only I could...blah is translated as pudiera, but I really could use the help remembering when to use those structures). Once I finish it, I have two books in Spanish to knock off, one by the great Paolo Coehlo (he's Brazilian, I can't spell his name...I don't speak that language yet), the other is DonQuixote. I plan on getting a couple of Marquez books in Spanish, although I own most of them in English already (except Chronicle of a Death Foretold, the ONLY book I liked reading in English class....ironically...).
I'm also reviewed in Latin through this month already, as my aim was to get back to first semester proficiency, so next I get to push into my second semester of Latin. I'm starting to pick up on a lot of the ancient things (reading Cicero right now), so I'm hoping that I'll be able to read some Latin.
Of course, I've sacrificed a bit of my other langauge training, as I haven't really cared about French, Italian, or Greek for the last several days. I only have like 2 chapters to go in French until I reach my goal for the month. I have to go over negatives (totally a pain in French, Spanish and English win on this front) and then prepositional and colloquial phrases. My aim was to finish my Italian book, but I see I need a LOT of review on the semester and a half's worth that I've already finished. It's kind of cool because in one month I learned present, past, imperfect, and imperative verb forms in Italian, and I think I know already how future works. If I study a LOT of vocabulary and grammar over the next 6 months, I'll probably be fluent in Italian. Greek on the other hand, I need four more chapters before I reach my month's goal. I think I can hit it, especially since it's currently review for me. I know I have to go over the present progressive participle...
Having finished a couple of my goals for the month, I can spend the extra time finishing accounting and homeland defense. I'm going to start writing my final paper tonight for homeland. Then next week, I have two finals to take, and I'll be done with summer classes. Fall is somewhat simplified as I decided instead of jumping into the Slavic language family, I should knock off the rest of the major Romance languages---Portuguese, Romanian, and Catalan---first, and establish myself in the Germanic langauges better than I have (REVIEW GERMAN), and really try to learn my Celtic ones. On top of all of that, I am entering my first non-Indo-European language (Arabic) in August. I'm really going to have to get used to a whole new langauge structure and family, however, once I adapt, I might be able to hop into something like Hebrew.
Basically, this is how I see my future language development by the end of 2010:
Fluent: English, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese (Five Stars)
Competent: German, Greek, Latin (Four Stars)
Conversant: Arabic (Three Stars)
Intermediate: Gaelic, Romanian (Two Stars)
Beginner: Catalan, Dutch (One Star)
I actually may already be near that one star in Catalan, because I can translate most of it if I read it.
Ok, so my life is boring, deal with it.
At least I'm going bowling today before work.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
What is this? Blogging twice in a week??
Yes, I must admit that it is time to write another blog, in part to discuss the banality of my life for my long-term historical preservation records, but also to discuss further developments in my aim for recovery.
I suppose banality is a good place to start. My summer classes are such a drain that it's not even funny. I still have two big assignments in homeland defense over the next two weeks. My last test was tragic. I got an 81%, however my other tests have left me at an A. I still have to write a term paper on food contamination and to take the final exam, which will probably be next Monday, mainly because I'm off then.
Accounting is so close to done it's not even funny. I'll probably get a B, but that's because I just don't effing care. The class is stupid. I have to do one more discussion and then I have to take the final exam (released on Tuesday), and I'll be done.
Work is much the same, work 5-8 hours at a time and conduct the same routines each day. I must say that my language skills have advanced considerably. By the end of August, I'll be at 5th semester level French, I'll have reviewed Spanish completely, I'll be through 2 semesters of Italian grammar (I need to boost vocabulary a LOT---I only know about 300 Italian words), and I'll have reviewed one semester's worth of Latin and Greek.
At that point, I'll be starting Arabic, so Spanish will probably have to go for a while. I decided not to take Russian right now because I don't really have $1000 to do it. I'm really considering not taking the second semester of medical terminology, but I could just push really hard over two weeks and just finish it.
My money situation is improving quite a bit. My savings has recovered to about $600 from its low last month of $45, and my credit card debt is down to 1078. I've got about 70 dollars in change that I want to put towards my travel fund but it would be wiser to augment either situation. The thing is when money sits around in change, I DON'T SPEND IT. So I normally don't like putting it into the bank until it's at $100, por lo menos.
I'm still looking around for a second job, even if it only pays like $50 extra a week. Any COS natives that have ideas could forward them to me...
I'm also trying to sell a few books, but have had no replies. If nothing comes up over the next week, I'm going to take the massive hit at UCCS selling these books, but the $20 or so is better than staring at the books sitting on my shelves never used.
I have to work tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday, but fortunately, I have nights this weekend, so my Fri-Sun mornings are off. I'm going to take this opportunity to use one morning for a much needed zoo trip with someone special--quickly followed by Panera.
The problem is that I jsut heard my sister is going to be going to the zoo on Saturday at 10. The LAST thing I need is to be there and she goes "Who is that you're here with?", only to promptly come home the next day and tell mom and dad "I saw Ray at the zoo!" I can only imagine how much worse it could get. I suppose I'll hope much for Friday, if that fails, then Sunday. If all options fail, date suggestions for mornings are highly appreciated.
Speaking in further detail on this, I have clearly been smitten, and it's been noticed in certain circles, namely my other sister, with whom I have been totally honest in this whole process. I want them to sort of act as a balance to my emotions. Most people tell me to ignore the whole rational thing, but I can't just ignore that side, and so she's the one most likely to tell me the extent of what I need to hear. Her suggestion though is that we all go alligator wrestling or hike a 14,000 foot mountain together. I was thinking something along the lines of coffee or lunch one day...not putting our lives in danger as a bonding thing.
So, I also have decided to be honest with my fabulous readers (all 5 of them, maybe, and at least 2 already know everything), I still require discretion, because the response of my parents is still a vital factor. Basically, the reason I have been very vague on my blogs about all of this and the reason my parents would be disapproving is that I'm sort-of (still not official yet, dammit) dating a guy...
Yes, the rhyming pattern does apply, I am interested in people who look more like me than not anatomically. It's not a shock, I don't think really, but it's been a huge contributing factor to my whole life as a problem situation, because I always looked at it like some kind of tortuous curse that the fates decided to inflict upon me for their sick twisted purposes. I kind of figured that since the rest of the universe hated people like me, why shouldn't I? I went through all kinds of hell because I think other people knew who I was before I did, and they treated me negatively for it.
He told me that people like us either fall into the world of addiction to escape, or we overwork ourselves to the point of exhaustion so that we can create our little perfect world where being gay doesn't matter, because you have literally worked it out of yourself. Either way's really false.
I mentioned that I've had a big breakthrough, in part because I've really actually accepted this. At first, I was sort of all, ok, let's make sure...collection of data is the foundation of experimental analysis. But I'm sort of pulled in hook, line ,and sinker. I am so happy when I'm around him, it's not even funny. Well, it is, because I thought I would be the last person in the world to feel this way.
I used to ask God, "why did you do this to me?" in a tone that was sort of angry, sort of perilous, and sort of defeated. But recently, I've been asking "what did I ever do that could ever make up for being around this wonderful person?" I've been a bit more active in my creencias ever since I've rekindled this. I'm obviously still conflicted between my general support of a more Catholic theology and moral view and the fact that I don't like the priesthood very much and that I feel really excluded. He's someone who challenges me on an intellectual level (rarely accomplished before because of my breadth of knowledge) and on a level of being a better person. And he himself is fundamentally good, which is all I really want.
I know we've only sort of gone out for a little over a month, but I actually had a crush on him about a year ago, and I ran away because I was afraid of letting the beast out of its box. I'm effing glad I learned my lesson.
The reason I've been listening to "Isn't Life Strange" over and over is because that's the route my life has been taking.
My parents' reactions when they hear/know are going to be divergent. My mom has told me she doesn't care who I am or who I'm with so long as I'm a good person with someone who treats me right. She'll probably be upset that I've been lying to her, but after a couple of weeks, she'll be totally ok with it. She's not yet on the ok with same-sex marriages bandwagon, but I think afterwards, she will be.
I wouldn't mind telling her, but that would require her lying to my dad, which is a position in which I don't want to put her. It's not fair to ask one parent to lie to the other.
My dad though is going to be a HUGE problem. I am already a disappointment to my dad on a lot of levels; not going into the military (first Schultz in like 4 generations not to), I didn't get into a good graduate school, I've sort of messed up my college experience, I'm not laden with cash, etc. His number one moral topic of preaching is about gay people, how they shouldn't breed, get married, or really be allowed to be together in public. He's basically really homophobic. I know he would stop talking to me for a while, and he would never go to a wedding of mine or even meet with a bf. It'll be tough to say the least. But it's ok, I'm already a disappointment to him, so he'll just be even more-so. It's not like I will be treated that differently.
I suppose banality is a good place to start. My summer classes are such a drain that it's not even funny. I still have two big assignments in homeland defense over the next two weeks. My last test was tragic. I got an 81%, however my other tests have left me at an A. I still have to write a term paper on food contamination and to take the final exam, which will probably be next Monday, mainly because I'm off then.
Accounting is so close to done it's not even funny. I'll probably get a B, but that's because I just don't effing care. The class is stupid. I have to do one more discussion and then I have to take the final exam (released on Tuesday), and I'll be done.
Work is much the same, work 5-8 hours at a time and conduct the same routines each day. I must say that my language skills have advanced considerably. By the end of August, I'll be at 5th semester level French, I'll have reviewed Spanish completely, I'll be through 2 semesters of Italian grammar (I need to boost vocabulary a LOT---I only know about 300 Italian words), and I'll have reviewed one semester's worth of Latin and Greek.
At that point, I'll be starting Arabic, so Spanish will probably have to go for a while. I decided not to take Russian right now because I don't really have $1000 to do it. I'm really considering not taking the second semester of medical terminology, but I could just push really hard over two weeks and just finish it.
My money situation is improving quite a bit. My savings has recovered to about $600 from its low last month of $45, and my credit card debt is down to 1078. I've got about 70 dollars in change that I want to put towards my travel fund but it would be wiser to augment either situation. The thing is when money sits around in change, I DON'T SPEND IT. So I normally don't like putting it into the bank until it's at $100, por lo menos.
I'm still looking around for a second job, even if it only pays like $50 extra a week. Any COS natives that have ideas could forward them to me...
I'm also trying to sell a few books, but have had no replies. If nothing comes up over the next week, I'm going to take the massive hit at UCCS selling these books, but the $20 or so is better than staring at the books sitting on my shelves never used.
I have to work tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday, but fortunately, I have nights this weekend, so my Fri-Sun mornings are off. I'm going to take this opportunity to use one morning for a much needed zoo trip with someone special--quickly followed by Panera.
The problem is that I jsut heard my sister is going to be going to the zoo on Saturday at 10. The LAST thing I need is to be there and she goes "Who is that you're here with?", only to promptly come home the next day and tell mom and dad "I saw Ray at the zoo!" I can only imagine how much worse it could get. I suppose I'll hope much for Friday, if that fails, then Sunday. If all options fail, date suggestions for mornings are highly appreciated.
Speaking in further detail on this, I have clearly been smitten, and it's been noticed in certain circles, namely my other sister, with whom I have been totally honest in this whole process. I want them to sort of act as a balance to my emotions. Most people tell me to ignore the whole rational thing, but I can't just ignore that side, and so she's the one most likely to tell me the extent of what I need to hear. Her suggestion though is that we all go alligator wrestling or hike a 14,000 foot mountain together. I was thinking something along the lines of coffee or lunch one day...not putting our lives in danger as a bonding thing.
So, I also have decided to be honest with my fabulous readers (all 5 of them, maybe, and at least 2 already know everything), I still require discretion, because the response of my parents is still a vital factor. Basically, the reason I have been very vague on my blogs about all of this and the reason my parents would be disapproving is that I'm sort-of (still not official yet, dammit) dating a guy...
Yes, the rhyming pattern does apply, I am interested in people who look more like me than not anatomically. It's not a shock, I don't think really, but it's been a huge contributing factor to my whole life as a problem situation, because I always looked at it like some kind of tortuous curse that the fates decided to inflict upon me for their sick twisted purposes. I kind of figured that since the rest of the universe hated people like me, why shouldn't I? I went through all kinds of hell because I think other people knew who I was before I did, and they treated me negatively for it.
He told me that people like us either fall into the world of addiction to escape, or we overwork ourselves to the point of exhaustion so that we can create our little perfect world where being gay doesn't matter, because you have literally worked it out of yourself. Either way's really false.
I mentioned that I've had a big breakthrough, in part because I've really actually accepted this. At first, I was sort of all, ok, let's make sure...collection of data is the foundation of experimental analysis. But I'm sort of pulled in hook, line ,and sinker. I am so happy when I'm around him, it's not even funny. Well, it is, because I thought I would be the last person in the world to feel this way.
I used to ask God, "why did you do this to me?" in a tone that was sort of angry, sort of perilous, and sort of defeated. But recently, I've been asking "what did I ever do that could ever make up for being around this wonderful person?" I've been a bit more active in my creencias ever since I've rekindled this. I'm obviously still conflicted between my general support of a more Catholic theology and moral view and the fact that I don't like the priesthood very much and that I feel really excluded. He's someone who challenges me on an intellectual level (rarely accomplished before because of my breadth of knowledge) and on a level of being a better person. And he himself is fundamentally good, which is all I really want.
I know we've only sort of gone out for a little over a month, but I actually had a crush on him about a year ago, and I ran away because I was afraid of letting the beast out of its box. I'm effing glad I learned my lesson.
The reason I've been listening to "Isn't Life Strange" over and over is because that's the route my life has been taking.
My parents' reactions when they hear/know are going to be divergent. My mom has told me she doesn't care who I am or who I'm with so long as I'm a good person with someone who treats me right. She'll probably be upset that I've been lying to her, but after a couple of weeks, she'll be totally ok with it. She's not yet on the ok with same-sex marriages bandwagon, but I think afterwards, she will be.
I wouldn't mind telling her, but that would require her lying to my dad, which is a position in which I don't want to put her. It's not fair to ask one parent to lie to the other.
My dad though is going to be a HUGE problem. I am already a disappointment to my dad on a lot of levels; not going into the military (first Schultz in like 4 generations not to), I didn't get into a good graduate school, I've sort of messed up my college experience, I'm not laden with cash, etc. His number one moral topic of preaching is about gay people, how they shouldn't breed, get married, or really be allowed to be together in public. He's basically really homophobic. I know he would stop talking to me for a while, and he would never go to a wedding of mine or even meet with a bf. It'll be tough to say the least. But it's ok, I'm already a disappointment to him, so he'll just be even more-so. It's not like I will be treated that differently.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
No wine this time
So, I have mentioned it on my facebook, but I have reverse SAD. I get depressed when the weather turns to summer, and it really has only started being summer for the last two or three weeks in Colorado, and I have about three more weeks to go before I adapt completely.
I got my sign. Actually, probably about ten or twenty of them. I dunno, folks. That whole austere and controlled and isolated me is starting to lose its grip. I'm definitely exposed, and that dark figure, I've really learned is me. Part of me can feel the walls being bulldozed around me, and when I anticipated on the assault coming like a ton of bricks, the way it has turned out is that there are more cracks in my foundation than the guard who keeps me in can fill. For the first time, I've been able to be honest, and just that little bit has exposed a lot of false intentions about me. I'm actually almost ok with being totally honest (there are still the issues involving parents. I know that one would not approve of anything I'm doing here, the other is somewhat circumspect. Fortunately, I have a sister who will basically whoop ass), and if asked, I have no problem saying anything at all anymore.
But here's the thing. I'm starting to get the little fluttery feelings and because of them, I'm really starting to want to tear down all of these walls. I know I'm weakened by pain and of my failed expectations in myself, but that weakness is going to get me through. It will be my strength, my iron rod to which I have alluded so many times that will rebuild me...not my walls...stronger than before.
I'm excited in a way I have never been, which is both scary and exciting. Here's the worse sign: I'm starting to compose verses in my head. Anyone who knows me really well knows that when I start writing my verses, I'm serious. I've got this conglomeration of French, Spanish, and English floating around that I have to sort and make the best that I can. I know I've got one that's really big for me...but it's in French. So I'll render some kind of translation. Accentuation sucks on blogger, so don't go about fixing my French grammar!
Quand je vois dans tes yeux
Je vois la liberte du ciel et
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est voler dans ceux comme un oiseau
Quand je suis dans tes bras
Je me sens un monde sans peur
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est etre dans ceux par tout ma vie.
Quand j'entend la melodie de ta voix
J'entend a la musique d'un dieu
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est que mon anime danse et sourisse
Quand je suis avec toi
Je suis tant heureux
Et tout que je savais
C'est que je veux etre avec toi.
It sounds a LOT better in French, but for you Anglophiles out there, here's something of what it is in English:
When I look in your eyes
I see the freedom of the skies
The only thing I want
Is to fly in them like a bird
When I am in your arms
I feel a world without fear
The only thing I want
Is to be in them for my life (this line is a bad translation...)
When I hear the melody of your voice
I hear the music of a god
The only thing I want
Is for my soul to dance and to smile
When I am with you
I am so happy
And all I know
Is that I want to be with you.
Yeah...
I'm just waiting on those walls to fall...
I got my sign. Actually, probably about ten or twenty of them. I dunno, folks. That whole austere and controlled and isolated me is starting to lose its grip. I'm definitely exposed, and that dark figure, I've really learned is me. Part of me can feel the walls being bulldozed around me, and when I anticipated on the assault coming like a ton of bricks, the way it has turned out is that there are more cracks in my foundation than the guard who keeps me in can fill. For the first time, I've been able to be honest, and just that little bit has exposed a lot of false intentions about me. I'm actually almost ok with being totally honest (there are still the issues involving parents. I know that one would not approve of anything I'm doing here, the other is somewhat circumspect. Fortunately, I have a sister who will basically whoop ass), and if asked, I have no problem saying anything at all anymore.
But here's the thing. I'm starting to get the little fluttery feelings and because of them, I'm really starting to want to tear down all of these walls. I know I'm weakened by pain and of my failed expectations in myself, but that weakness is going to get me through. It will be my strength, my iron rod to which I have alluded so many times that will rebuild me...not my walls...stronger than before.
I'm excited in a way I have never been, which is both scary and exciting. Here's the worse sign: I'm starting to compose verses in my head. Anyone who knows me really well knows that when I start writing my verses, I'm serious. I've got this conglomeration of French, Spanish, and English floating around that I have to sort and make the best that I can. I know I've got one that's really big for me...but it's in French. So I'll render some kind of translation. Accentuation sucks on blogger, so don't go about fixing my French grammar!
Quand je vois dans tes yeux
Je vois la liberte du ciel et
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est voler dans ceux comme un oiseau
Quand je suis dans tes bras
Je me sens un monde sans peur
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est etre dans ceux par tout ma vie.
Quand j'entend la melodie de ta voix
J'entend a la musique d'un dieu
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est que mon anime danse et sourisse
Quand je suis avec toi
Je suis tant heureux
Et tout que je savais
C'est que je veux etre avec toi.
It sounds a LOT better in French, but for you Anglophiles out there, here's something of what it is in English:
When I look in your eyes
I see the freedom of the skies
The only thing I want
Is to fly in them like a bird
When I am in your arms
I feel a world without fear
The only thing I want
Is to be in them for my life (this line is a bad translation...)
When I hear the melody of your voice
I hear the music of a god
The only thing I want
Is for my soul to dance and to smile
When I am with you
I am so happy
And all I know
Is that I want to be with you.
Yeah...
I'm just waiting on those walls to fall...
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Wine+blogging Round 3
Unfortunately, I had a rather large glass of white wine about two hours ago, and it's still pounding away in my head. So my post will be slightly more honest than many are used to with you, and on the other hand, it's going to be incredibly spastic.
My life is in total flux right now, among trying to pick grad schol programs, figuring myself out, trying to deal with this 'possible' relationship situation, working, paying off bills, figuring out why I don't sleep well at night, and just balancing.
I suppose I'll take each topic at a time.
Grad school: I am totally uncertain here. Part of me thinks "science", n large part because it involves a lot of money, a secure job, and a chance to do something constructive. Another part thinks "history" because I love it, ditto for langauges. Basically, I'm fielding between PhD and MA in the following fields: History, European History, Epidemiology, Public Health, Hazardous Microbes and Emerging Diseases+National Bioterrorism Defense, Spanish, French, and Teaching English as a Second Language. Suffice it to say, options 1 and my last one are actually the ones most appealing to me. I mean, learning French and Spanish (in both of which I am rapidly approaching fluency), has been a big help to the TESL option, and starting Arabic and Russian thsi year would make me more marketable. History I have discussed thoroughly, and I don't see why I cannot do both.
Me: I'll save this for last.
Relationship: Some of you are a little more aware than others of my situation (discretion still appreciated!!!). This is largely due to facebook, but any readers who are unaware of details may ask there. But basically, I've set things up for the last month on my own. I've done three dinners and flowers (not at a miniscule cost either...I had to find lavendar [how??]), and I'm thinking about another one on Friday to the zoo, which would fortunately cost me nothing, and then something simple like Panera afterwards. There are a couple of things that bother me. Despite all of these signals, and a pretty explicit reference towards a sort of 'official' deal, it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. I mean, I've basically initiated all contact (I've only been called once, and that was to thank me for sending flowers), I've arranged everything thus far. I'm starting to think that this was a failed effort on my part. I get the feeling that I'm jumping to conclusions very early, like I frequently do, which is why I intend on at least continuing through the first week in August. At this point, it'll basically be a month and a half, and I'm going to need some kind of sign by then, otherwise, I'm wasting a lot of time here trying to find something that isn't there. Considering that this is the first time I've been even really interested in forming one, I think a large amount it is due to me (see below), and the rest due to my inexperience.
Working: I work 40 hours a week near a bunch of bitchy people, and by Sunday night, I am totally drained. I am still committed to finishing these last three months, but then what?
Bills: I still have about $1400 in credit card debt. About half of that will be cut in the rest of this month, but I am really tired of seeing such a large number NOT changing. By the time I pay it off, I'm going to have to consider tuition for fall.
I cannot sleep. I get maybe 4 or 5 hours a night when I aim for 9-10. I'm so tired it's not funny.
Me. I'm the problem in all of this, and it's simple why. I actually cannot stand myself. I'm not sure if I would say an active loathing, but it's pretty close. When I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with the image I see, and nor am I happy with the actual person I see there. I feel a LOT of anger, a lot of pain, and at least some level of hate. If I could, I'd like to grab him in the neck and strangle him so I can see him in physical, instead of emotional pain.
My self-esteem is based on totally unrealistic expectations, because NOTHING is ever enough. I'm unsatisfied with everything, which can be productive, but for me, it's a burden that never ends. Nothing I do is satisfactory, and I project it onto others at times. I'm constantly suspicious of other people, even my own family. My relationships are seriously damaged by who I am. It's true that they say when you don't love yourself, you cannot ever really accept that anything else does. On a conscious level, I can rationally equate actions and statements with evidence, but underneath that is this dark thing that quashes reason, and insists that I'm someone not worth loving. Thanks to it, I actively reject love. I drive myself into as much solitude as possible, to guarantee my emotional loneliness all of my days, until at last I slip into oblivion.
Ironically, it's very easy to give it. The inclination, rejected by myself, looks outward. I should be totally cynical (I am VERY cynical ,but not totally), but I so desperately need my affections to be accepted by someone to realize that my life is not totally meaningless. I can give love away like CRAZY, which is part of the reason why I'm oddly quite compassionate. I really do want other people to be happy, because I don't want others to fall as low as I have. If I can take my suffering and self-loathing and convert it into better lives for other people and to give them some level of happiness, I can somehow justify my being. But I'm losing my faith in my ability to survive through my trials. I not all suicidal or anything (been there done that already, not interested), because I think that my own torture is stronger by making myself live as painful and as long a life as possible, filled with rejection, both from within and from outside myself. Some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going.
It's the reason that I want my life to totally end when I die. I don't want an afterlife, because while I can tolerate this for my mortal life, going on like this without cessation is unimaginable. I would prefer to just disperse and to stop being. Many times, I wish that the child that my mom was supposed to have before me lived and I was the miscarried child. There never would have been a me, and I would not have ever had this pain that I constantly carry with me.
The really sad thing is that there really is no way to break this addiction, because every attempt to change me only results in an affirmation of my original affirmation.
With respect to my relationship issues, I consciously realize that I should not put this other person in the situation that would happen if it solidifies. I would worship and move heaven and earth just to give a smidgen of happiness, but I would never really be able to accept that fac that I might be loved too. It's not fair to do that to someone. Could you imagine being married to someone who never thought that you loved him (all my readers are girls, methinks...)? It's not right to hurt someone like that, which is why I'm so hesitant, and why I think I need to stop my emotions and my attractions NOW, before I do start hearing back. I need to draw the line and say honestly why it can't really work, and that I would like to maintain friendship, because it doesn't involve the same levels of deep, intense love that might complicate my situation any further. Friendship tends towards conditionality, and conditionality is that under which I have lived.
Now that you are all thoroughly depressed...
My life is in total flux right now, among trying to pick grad schol programs, figuring myself out, trying to deal with this 'possible' relationship situation, working, paying off bills, figuring out why I don't sleep well at night, and just balancing.
I suppose I'll take each topic at a time.
Grad school: I am totally uncertain here. Part of me thinks "science", n large part because it involves a lot of money, a secure job, and a chance to do something constructive. Another part thinks "history" because I love it, ditto for langauges. Basically, I'm fielding between PhD and MA in the following fields: History, European History, Epidemiology, Public Health, Hazardous Microbes and Emerging Diseases+National Bioterrorism Defense, Spanish, French, and Teaching English as a Second Language. Suffice it to say, options 1 and my last one are actually the ones most appealing to me. I mean, learning French and Spanish (in both of which I am rapidly approaching fluency), has been a big help to the TESL option, and starting Arabic and Russian thsi year would make me more marketable. History I have discussed thoroughly, and I don't see why I cannot do both.
Me: I'll save this for last.
Relationship: Some of you are a little more aware than others of my situation (discretion still appreciated!!!). This is largely due to facebook, but any readers who are unaware of details may ask there. But basically, I've set things up for the last month on my own. I've done three dinners and flowers (not at a miniscule cost either...I had to find lavendar [how??]), and I'm thinking about another one on Friday to the zoo, which would fortunately cost me nothing, and then something simple like Panera afterwards. There are a couple of things that bother me. Despite all of these signals, and a pretty explicit reference towards a sort of 'official' deal, it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. I mean, I've basically initiated all contact (I've only been called once, and that was to thank me for sending flowers), I've arranged everything thus far. I'm starting to think that this was a failed effort on my part. I get the feeling that I'm jumping to conclusions very early, like I frequently do, which is why I intend on at least continuing through the first week in August. At this point, it'll basically be a month and a half, and I'm going to need some kind of sign by then, otherwise, I'm wasting a lot of time here trying to find something that isn't there. Considering that this is the first time I've been even really interested in forming one, I think a large amount it is due to me (see below), and the rest due to my inexperience.
Working: I work 40 hours a week near a bunch of bitchy people, and by Sunday night, I am totally drained. I am still committed to finishing these last three months, but then what?
Bills: I still have about $1400 in credit card debt. About half of that will be cut in the rest of this month, but I am really tired of seeing such a large number NOT changing. By the time I pay it off, I'm going to have to consider tuition for fall.
I cannot sleep. I get maybe 4 or 5 hours a night when I aim for 9-10. I'm so tired it's not funny.
Me. I'm the problem in all of this, and it's simple why. I actually cannot stand myself. I'm not sure if I would say an active loathing, but it's pretty close. When I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with the image I see, and nor am I happy with the actual person I see there. I feel a LOT of anger, a lot of pain, and at least some level of hate. If I could, I'd like to grab him in the neck and strangle him so I can see him in physical, instead of emotional pain.
My self-esteem is based on totally unrealistic expectations, because NOTHING is ever enough. I'm unsatisfied with everything, which can be productive, but for me, it's a burden that never ends. Nothing I do is satisfactory, and I project it onto others at times. I'm constantly suspicious of other people, even my own family. My relationships are seriously damaged by who I am. It's true that they say when you don't love yourself, you cannot ever really accept that anything else does. On a conscious level, I can rationally equate actions and statements with evidence, but underneath that is this dark thing that quashes reason, and insists that I'm someone not worth loving. Thanks to it, I actively reject love. I drive myself into as much solitude as possible, to guarantee my emotional loneliness all of my days, until at last I slip into oblivion.
Ironically, it's very easy to give it. The inclination, rejected by myself, looks outward. I should be totally cynical (I am VERY cynical ,but not totally), but I so desperately need my affections to be accepted by someone to realize that my life is not totally meaningless. I can give love away like CRAZY, which is part of the reason why I'm oddly quite compassionate. I really do want other people to be happy, because I don't want others to fall as low as I have. If I can take my suffering and self-loathing and convert it into better lives for other people and to give them some level of happiness, I can somehow justify my being. But I'm losing my faith in my ability to survive through my trials. I not all suicidal or anything (been there done that already, not interested), because I think that my own torture is stronger by making myself live as painful and as long a life as possible, filled with rejection, both from within and from outside myself. Some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going.
It's the reason that I want my life to totally end when I die. I don't want an afterlife, because while I can tolerate this for my mortal life, going on like this without cessation is unimaginable. I would prefer to just disperse and to stop being. Many times, I wish that the child that my mom was supposed to have before me lived and I was the miscarried child. There never would have been a me, and I would not have ever had this pain that I constantly carry with me.
The really sad thing is that there really is no way to break this addiction, because every attempt to change me only results in an affirmation of my original affirmation.
With respect to my relationship issues, I consciously realize that I should not put this other person in the situation that would happen if it solidifies. I would worship and move heaven and earth just to give a smidgen of happiness, but I would never really be able to accept that fac that I might be loved too. It's not fair to do that to someone. Could you imagine being married to someone who never thought that you loved him (all my readers are girls, methinks...)? It's not right to hurt someone like that, which is why I'm so hesitant, and why I think I need to stop my emotions and my attractions NOW, before I do start hearing back. I need to draw the line and say honestly why it can't really work, and that I would like to maintain friendship, because it doesn't involve the same levels of deep, intense love that might complicate my situation any further. Friendship tends towards conditionality, and conditionality is that under which I have lived.
Now that you are all thoroughly depressed...
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