Contradictions

In a lot of ways, I'm a walking contradiction. I suppose at some point in my life, I'm going to have to be okay with that.

So these last couple of weeks have been enlightening in a lot of ways for me. A lot of the questions I used to have are going away. The biggest one that I always had was "why". Why am I the way that I am? Why am I here even to begin with?

I'm reading a biography about St. Teresa of Avila, a woman whom I envy quite a bit, because of how much God chose to bless her. She received raptures that brought her in such closeness to God that it caused her physical pain, but at the same time spiritual ecstasy. Many of her contemporaries cautioned her due to the Inquisition, but she was outwardly blessed--God even levitated her. Her determination was always her first gift and coupled with her faith, she was unstopable.

Suffice it to say, my relationship with God is not so good as Teresa's. In fact, I'm angry, because I figure, if I was supposed ot be different from the social norms, it would have been nice to be asexual. That's really what I wanted. I don't, nor have I ever wanted to be straight, and to fit into the social mold. Which, fortunately, I don't. The problem is that I never wanted, and frankly, I still don't want, to be gay either. I wanted to never develop a sex drive towards ANYONE.

My reason for this was always so that I could do more work and not be distracted. The real reason was that I wanted to be better than other people. Being Catholic means that sex is inherently nasty, even in marriage, there's a certain level of incommunicability about sex because there's something that is seen to be wrong about it. I wanted to be asexual so I could lord it over other people, to show that I was intrinsically better than other people because I wasn't tainted by something so filthy.

(At this point, I should apologize for my brutal honesty).

As I was reading this book, in the midst of my envy for Teresa, I was struck by her humilty, and then it hit me. God made me gay not topunish me, but to bring me down to earth, to enhance, rather than to degrade my humanity. It was a profound realization for me.

I still don't like it, but I have to accept that it's the way it is.

I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person I'm supposed to be. My opinion of myself is still, as always, pretty low. I was talking to a gay friend of mine who wants to take me to gay clubs and such. I've never been to straight clubs, and we all have images, no doubt, thanks in part to things like Sex in the City of gay clubs being these STD breeding grounds. I said I was willing to go once, because the refusal to try anything that does not intrinsically cross moral boundaries is indicative of a closed mind. But anyways, inclusive in all of that, we side-tracked into why I'm so aloof.

There are multiple parts of it. The first is my continual drive to try to look better than other people. To lord over them my moral superiority (don't I look like a fucking jackass. It's true, I am. Ive got a one-way ticket to hell already stamped). Part of my goal is genuine goodness, because I have to be an example for my 10 yo sister.

But the contradiction is what comes up when there's no moral element involved. And I said what the truth is directly to him, which I almost never do face to face. I said that I'm not worth having fun. I'm not worth being loved, and I'm just not worth the energy.

I very profoundly believe this. I don't let people get me things because I dpn't want them to put money into a black hole. Many times when I go out with people, I pay for them, becasue I'm trying to genuinely be nice, but I will never let people reciprocate, even to the point of rudeness. Those people I met in Ireland who tried to pay for me (I eventually convinced them to let me pay the tip) even told me I was reaching the point of rude.

The only reason I work so hard on myself is because in the end, I see it as worthless. The reason I chose to reject God is because I didn't want his love for me. I still don't as I write this. Every measure he makes to try to show me happiness I toss back to stay in a pain that is so comfortable. He has already sent me two incredible men who could have amde a difference and I pushed it away. He's sent me opportunities, and I've pushed them because I might be happy.

I wish he would stop wasting his energy on me and give blessings to people who would take them. To those I know who could use his love and grace more than I, because of the challenges in their lives.

Probably the last big why question I have is why I hate myself so much. I mean, this is so deep seeded that I live only to spite myself. It's what keeps me going on and on and on, is the fact that death is just too easy and that the overwhelming difficulty of life is what I deserve.

I look at pictures of Brandon, and wonder why him and not me. He probably valued life, had great dreams, and wanted so much for the world, and I sit here wallowing.

I need to live on my own.