Oh, Alice, Alice, there's juice loose about this hoose.

Ok, so it sounds a lot funnier when Dawn French says it than when I write it.

Wow, how many things have changed in the last couple of days. I'm desperately trying to embrace this on one side, and fight against it, like I always have, on the other. It's hard to know when I wake up each morning what life has in store for me.

Sometimes I think I'd love to rewind about 5 years or so and make so many changes in my life and that of others. I mean, one obvious thing that I would change is Brandon driving home when he had been smash drunk. After seeing what his family went through, if I could change one thing, it would probably be that.

What's so ironic is that event was so cataclysmic in my life. I mean, I never knew Brandon, but the fact that he died changed so much. It's hard to imagine where I would be now. I certainly would be much less compassionate than I am, and I would value life in general much less.

But there's so much that, given the experiences that I've had, I wouldn't imagine repeating. I probably would have started by lobbing off my testicles at 16...I make WAY too much testosterone. It makes me terribly aggressive and probably agitates all of my emotions. Not to mention the ape legs that I have. I swear, I look like a fucking gorilla or something. Reason I never wear shorts: zookeepers would chase me down.

I would have maintained much better control of my emotions to start out. That was a HUGE failing of mine in high school, and for a while in college, I was pretty successful at keeping how I felt under tight wraps. The last few months have not been so good for that though. Probably due to a lack of work.

I would have stayed more committed to what I was doing. I mean, I gave up on Latin after one semester, I've changed my career path how many times? I've failed pretty miserably at maintaining my friendships.

I would have been less inhibited by fear. For example, I probably would have sung more than I do now. I'm actually pretty decent at it. [By the way, last Thursday I had enough beer in me to get me to do karaoke. One of my friends took a video of it, so if you find me singing You Make Loving Fun...I was slightly liquored]. There are some things worth being afraid of, but about 90% of the things I preoccupy over are just not worth it.

I think I'm starting to get perspective in life. I don't have to be earth-shattering to be and do great things. I've always been a little narcissistic in that regard, and I think the universe is showing me that while I can think all I want that I am the shit, I'm not THE shit.

By the way, I think I'm almost ready.