Arugh

I hate being this torn. I mean, I've learned to be ok with the status quo, I suppose, but where I go from there is very difficult. I mean, there are critical decisions to be made, and basically, my entire future lays in the balance. I have been longing so much for asceticism in these last weeks, I am desperate to have some form of solitude.

I'm starting to accept my life's solitude more than I had been recently. In part, this is because my brain has started to reassert itself more forcefully against the rising heart. But in large measure too, I can consciously understand that I really am not worth the trouble of going through the whole dating-emotional involvement/commitment-marriage thing. I don't say that because I am incapable of loving someone. In fact, I am quite sure that there's someone out there for whom I would give everything. The problem is that I can't accept that other people care at all for me. I know that sounds bizarre, but I really can't. If that someone was to come into my life and profess an undying love for me, I wouldn't believe it.

It would be unfair to that person too, to invest that much energy and emotion into me, and I couldn't even acknowledge it.

So, I have to carry on alone as I always have, fully aware that I fully lack the necessary preparations to ever consider that part of my life. I must find alternative options.

For many, I understand this means friendships, but for me, they are difficult. I am so socially awkward that it is hard for me to maintain many conversations. I can easily engage in philosophical, religious, political, social, or historical debates, but when it talks about daily personal things, it's very difficult. I am so intensely private, that even my family hardly really knows me.

So I've thrown myself into a lifetime of accomplishment seeking and work. I've sort of based my self worth on accolades, and I haven't had any really in months. There's no self-validation in the work that I do.

Exterior demonstrations of emotional and mental strength are a good cover for how vulnerable I really am.