Guess what? Ray's got a second date!!!!

General advice

Hey everyone, I'm trying to come up with a list of things I should purchase in the next year to facilitate my moving out process. These are things that I have now that are already in my possession:

1. Bed with headboard, 3 sets of sheets, 3 quilts
2. Two bookcases
3. 1 set of drawers
4. Full set of cookware, full 4x set of dishes
5. Desk

Things I know I need:

1. Other general kitchenware (silverware, cutting utensils, baking set, measuring equipment, etc.)
2. Some kind of table/chairs for eating
3. Perhaps some kind of chair for sitting
4. Lighting fixtures (i.e. lamps)
5. COFFEE MAKER

What other things would you recommend me try to purchase within the next months (as I pay off my credit card and build my savings back to at least $2000....) that I could use long-term for sole living? Aside from a set of testicles, which I am always lacking...

La moitie

I say that because I'm at a lot of halfway points right now. Par example, I just finished one half of my accounting course tonight, although I only got a 90% on my test, it feels good to be approaching some kind of finality to that course. I don't like it, and if I could drop and recover any of my money, I would, but at this point, I'm committed.



I'm also trying to sell off a few of my things that I don't want anymore like Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives seasons that I don't really care to see any longer. I'm hoping that I can use those proceeds to offset some of my debts. I've always ahd the policy of donating things if I don't think that I could sell them, but if I can, then I'm totally going to try. If anyone is interested, I'm selling seasons 1-3 of Grey's for $45 and 1 and 3 of DH for $35.



Other than that, I'm trying to survive my ridiculous number of work hours and aiming on keeping one of my original New Year's resolutions, which is to read all of the books I have before I go out and buy more. I've probably got about 15,000 pages to read, which will make my goal difficult, but my aim right now is a book a week. I think that's pretty reasonable.



Not much more to say right now...perhaps more later?

W.O.W.

Well, the brain just lost a huge battle. In fact, this kind of loss is the kind that loses wars. In fact, I hope the brain loses or at least comes over to our side, because this is wow.

I should always remember Fanny's advice: beware of swoons.

It's kind of late. I swooned.

I can't describe it, but suffice it to say that there was definitely some chemistry. By some, I mean a lot.

ugh, I can't think of what to say, if you have questions, ask! I'll send messages on facebook.

Let's just say that if it wasn't for my parents not knowing about this, I would be totally open.

Crap

Shit people, I'm nervous. Send good wishes!

Guess what?

So, guess what, peeps.

Ray's got a hot date!!!!

Ugh, I was nervous. But I prayed a quick Ave Maria, which is like my life line, and called. I was smooth (now I'm cocky, but hey, I got a yes on try #1). I was direct, and I was all, yeah. Pretty good.

So basically what happened was as soon as I hear "Hello?" I'm all "hey, how's it going?"
"doing good, how bout you?" "Not too bad, hey, I was calling to know if you would be interested in going to dinner with me some time next week". I did not lead in. I came out swinging. Probably not tactful, but it got a yes. I then assured that there were no moral food oppositions (Im morally opposed to sweet tea, for example). After clearing up all places that served sweet tea and chicken in a biscuit, I implied it was a surprise wher we'd go. I'm picking up too...in my 2000 Ford Taurus. Which I am going to have to clean, which will instantly arouse my parents' suspicions. I haven't cleaned my car in like 18 months (it's not nasty or anything), and when they see me doing it, they're going to be all "ok, what's the deal?". But, the good thing is that I need an oil change on Monday, so I can justify cleaning it for the oil people.

It's this Thursday (I work all weekend versus conflicting interests in Mon-Wed), 6PM. I've got reservations made already (I'm totally NOT telling anyone. No lookey loos.).

Now, I need some more help. I know I should just be assertive and confident, but like I said, I don't want to be too over the top.

Question 1:
This is what I have in mind for clothes: a black button up long sleeve shirt, dark khaki pants, and brown shoes (not tennis, obviously). Is this the right amount for a west-side restaurant? I don't want to look too dressy, but not too casual.

Question 2:
Obligations. Am I obligated to bring some kind of gift on date one? I know flowers is pretty traditional, but I am not a big fan of giving something like a rose. Life is not the Bachelor. No matter how much I may want 25 total strangers cat-fighting for me, I am not, in fact, that amazing. I quite like alstromerias, so I thought it would be something different. IDEAS?

Question 3:
Time. What is the appropriate length of time for a first date. I am thinking 2 hours?

Question 4:
Appropriate level of contact. I'm a bit of a puritan, so trust me, there will be absolutely no lip contact of any kind. I know a lot of people expect that on a first date nowadays, but I am old-fashioned. What is an appropriate level of contact that demonstrates interest, but doesn't cross puritanical lines? (Contingent of course on chemistry).

Question 5:
What are two questions that you would NEVER ask, and what are two you think I should definitely ask?

Question 6:
Am I totally bollocks insane?

By the way, I would totally gloat, but we're facebook friends, so I have to keep hush-hush on this one....

Shit, people. I'm gonna do it....

Seriously?

So, I suppose it happens to the best of us. It had to happen to me at some point. Just had to. I think about Shania in times like this. Not the whole fucktard bastard cheating on you deal, but the whole "I'm a successful, (mostly) independent, guy who suddenly gets hit by this bus"

My bus is obviously figurative.

Ray's gotten hit by the love bug, methinks.

Here's the thing. My brain--totally losing the war this time. I mean, every other time that I've had any kind of interest in someone, the brain has shut it down in short order. I mean, sure, the interest remained for a while, but the brain really killed any chance of anything happening.

For once, though, my brain is totally and completely outmanned and outgunned. It might last for a few more days, at best. But really, it's going to lose. In fact, the brain was successful with this same certain someone (No names yet...there are readers who may know about whom I am talking, so I can't take any chances yet...) last year. But the brain failed to extinguish. It lost a couple of battles, but it looks like it's going to lose the war.

That's really scary for me. I've never seriously considered acting on these impulses, and when you're 16, it's supposed to be awkward. At 22 (ish), you're supposed to be more refined. But me? Not really. I've got the jittery school-boy nerves. I've got that whole "I'm absolutely terrified of rejection" thing.

So, dear friends, I need some advice. And for a change, I'm going to be explicit.

So, basic details: yes, we have conversed on multiple occasions both via internet and in person. No, I have not managed to scare off anyone yet (ALWAYS a plus with me). No, I absolutely refuse to do dinner and a movie, because you don't even talk or look at each other for 90 minutes, por lo menos.

Ok, so, here are the tfour questions to which I NEED answers ASAP:

1. How do I do the whole asking out thing? (i.e., do I make it clear that I want this to be a date, or do I go with the whole "hey, do you want to go hang out here" thing?)

2. What would be the ideal first date locale/theme (correct word?)?

3. FASHION ADVICE: How do I do my hair, clothes, etc. so that I look impressive, but not over-the-top? I want to look competitive, not disinterested, but I don't want to look creepy either.

4. Or should I just give up now?

Dammit

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. DAMMIT.

Let's keep track of the war in my mind over the last month between my brain and my emotions.

Life before May: Brain 300 versus Emotions 4

During May: Emotions 3, Brain 3.

June: Emotions 3, Brain 1.

Tonight: Emotions 5, Brain 0.

How?

God, I could use someone to talk to right now......

Arugh

I hate being this torn. I mean, I've learned to be ok with the status quo, I suppose, but where I go from there is very difficult. I mean, there are critical decisions to be made, and basically, my entire future lays in the balance. I have been longing so much for asceticism in these last weeks, I am desperate to have some form of solitude.

I'm starting to accept my life's solitude more than I had been recently. In part, this is because my brain has started to reassert itself more forcefully against the rising heart. But in large measure too, I can consciously understand that I really am not worth the trouble of going through the whole dating-emotional involvement/commitment-marriage thing. I don't say that because I am incapable of loving someone. In fact, I am quite sure that there's someone out there for whom I would give everything. The problem is that I can't accept that other people care at all for me. I know that sounds bizarre, but I really can't. If that someone was to come into my life and profess an undying love for me, I wouldn't believe it.

It would be unfair to that person too, to invest that much energy and emotion into me, and I couldn't even acknowledge it.

So, I have to carry on alone as I always have, fully aware that I fully lack the necessary preparations to ever consider that part of my life. I must find alternative options.

For many, I understand this means friendships, but for me, they are difficult. I am so socially awkward that it is hard for me to maintain many conversations. I can easily engage in philosophical, religious, political, social, or historical debates, but when it talks about daily personal things, it's very difficult. I am so intensely private, that even my family hardly really knows me.

So I've thrown myself into a lifetime of accomplishment seeking and work. I've sort of based my self worth on accolades, and I haven't had any really in months. There's no self-validation in the work that I do.

Exterior demonstrations of emotional and mental strength are a good cover for how vulnerable I really am.

Y éso es como lo será. No tengo ningún derecho de quejar. De verdad, tuve mucha suerte oír algo, pero si lo va a pasar otra vez es otro cuento. Tengo muchas dudas. No sé por que, cuando la evidencia apoya la suposición que vaya a hablar conmigo. Temo que cuepe esas emociones y les permitan quedarse fuertes cuando en realidad, me van a destruir.

Estoy esperando una solución, y no tengo dudas que estos días decidirán mi vida. En una manera, espero que no oiga nada, porque si ésto pasara, no tendré que pensar en mi situación otra vez. Solamente tendré que trabajar como o siempre he hecho. No es tan dificil creer que viviré solo por toda mi vida. Después de lo que ha pasado en este año, puedo envisionar un cambio al hombre que era en el pasado. Prefiero que no sea como así. Me gusta preocupar sobre las pocas cosas de vida: el dinero, el trabajo, aprender las cosas en que amo.

En la otra mano, hay posibilidades de ser diferente, de encontrar una vida en que nunca he imaginado. Temo mucho las posibilidades. Siempre he vivido en una manera comoda y simple. La única cosa que ese curso sirviría es complicar todo.

Tal vez debo esperar por un poco tiempo. Es normal que imprendo hacer cualquier cosa como un toro, pero esos tiempos requieren caución. En la guerra de mi vida, tengo que recordarme que un disastre pueda destruirme. Y ahora, empiezo el periódo de esperar. Esperar para ti. Si hace falta, puedo sobrevivir por siempre. Si me hablas, no sé nada de nada.

Lo que duele más es que sé que existes en un parte del mundo y no estoy contigo ahora. Sé que tenía la oportunidad, pero era más joven, más estupido que soy ahora. El tiempo que tenemos es limitido. Mi cuerpo sufre sin tu abrazo.

Pero sufrimiento es todo por cual he vivido, porque odio lo que soy. Soy sin poder aquí, y los dioses han decidido jugar con mi vida, como fuera jugete, y cuando terminen su satisfación con mi sufrimiento, me van a tirar.

¿No leiste lo que escribí? Fracaso en frente de ti, y el sangre de mis venos es toda que pertenece a mi alma y a mi vida. Si la sociedad muriese, estaría en tus brazos ahora....si miedo muriese, te amaría.

Oh, Alice, Alice, there's juice loose about this hoose.

Ok, so it sounds a lot funnier when Dawn French says it than when I write it.

Wow, how many things have changed in the last couple of days. I'm desperately trying to embrace this on one side, and fight against it, like I always have, on the other. It's hard to know when I wake up each morning what life has in store for me.

Sometimes I think I'd love to rewind about 5 years or so and make so many changes in my life and that of others. I mean, one obvious thing that I would change is Brandon driving home when he had been smash drunk. After seeing what his family went through, if I could change one thing, it would probably be that.

What's so ironic is that event was so cataclysmic in my life. I mean, I never knew Brandon, but the fact that he died changed so much. It's hard to imagine where I would be now. I certainly would be much less compassionate than I am, and I would value life in general much less.

But there's so much that, given the experiences that I've had, I wouldn't imagine repeating. I probably would have started by lobbing off my testicles at 16...I make WAY too much testosterone. It makes me terribly aggressive and probably agitates all of my emotions. Not to mention the ape legs that I have. I swear, I look like a fucking gorilla or something. Reason I never wear shorts: zookeepers would chase me down.

I would have maintained much better control of my emotions to start out. That was a HUGE failing of mine in high school, and for a while in college, I was pretty successful at keeping how I felt under tight wraps. The last few months have not been so good for that though. Probably due to a lack of work.

I would have stayed more committed to what I was doing. I mean, I gave up on Latin after one semester, I've changed my career path how many times? I've failed pretty miserably at maintaining my friendships.

I would have been less inhibited by fear. For example, I probably would have sung more than I do now. I'm actually pretty decent at it. [By the way, last Thursday I had enough beer in me to get me to do karaoke. One of my friends took a video of it, so if you find me singing You Make Loving Fun...I was slightly liquored]. There are some things worth being afraid of, but about 90% of the things I preoccupy over are just not worth it.

I think I'm starting to get perspective in life. I don't have to be earth-shattering to be and do great things. I've always been a little narcissistic in that regard, and I think the universe is showing me that while I can think all I want that I am the shit, I'm not THE shit.

By the way, I think I'm almost ready.

Damn you Taylor Swift

Dammit, 'Love Story' is such a freaking good song. I'm sitting there, listening to the damn song going "awwwww".

On the other hand, I've listened to both Calle Ocho and Single Ladies about twenty times a day for the last three or four days. I've even stooped to the level of trying to dance to Single Ladies and going whoa-uh-oh, uh-uh-oh over and over.

I should state that I am finally getting the clarity in my life that I have so far lacked in many respects. There are some that are not so clear, and many that are unwanted. I've learned that no amount of control can cover up the truth: no matter how much Spock conceals them, he still has emotions. Occasional bouts of alcohol tend to give clarity to one.

I am at war in my options though. Before I was fighting reality, and now for the first time, I see that I am able to direct my destiny. It's hard for me to deside what direction to take, because all directions will leave some people unhappy and others happy. All of my choices I have leave negative consequences. There are no victories here, and that's disturbing.

This is one of the reasons why it's soon time to leave home. As soon as I am able, I am determined to do it, because the influence m family has on these decisions is perhaps a little too powerful.