Somewhere between ready to conquer and ready to give up

I am increasingly feeling devastated by my financial circumstances. I got paid today, but only like $250. Part of this was because my langtech time sheet didn't get submitted, so I have backpay coming in two weeks. But $250 right now is chicken shit money. I mean, I've been working my ass off, and I just don't feel like I'm getting ANYWHERE financially. Know my accounts? My savings=$800.35, checking= $13.25. I deliberately keep my checking account ridiculously low so that I can avoid using my debit card. When I know I have absolutely no money in my checking account, I just don't spend much money. Well, unless I have my trusty credit card. Speaking of which, I currently owe $313 on it. However, this is kind of deceptive. Partially because I put $80 on it today from my paycheck and then I am still owed my $60 on my canceled headphones. So really, I should only owe like $170 on it, which should be easily paid off in two weeks when I'm supposed to get my backpay and my up to date pay. However, the unfortunate thing is that I'm going to make enough money where I'll probably have $50 or $60 withheld for taxes. I love taxes.

I do have to admit, things do not look as desperate as they did a month ago. I looked at a post from about this time a month ago, and things were really bad then. I mean I had more debt than worth. However, in a month, I've doubled my savings, and sliced my debt by two-thirds. Granted, this is not that great of an accomplishment, when in one month, I have only managed to change my net worth by about $750.

I am just so frustrated with all of this money stuff. The constant pressure on the economy is driving me to paranoia, looking for back-up after back-up after back-up of plans in case the economy gets so bad that my employers can no longer afford me. That is distinctly possible at this time.

I can take some comfort though in a degree of seniority. In the language lab, I am basically worth gold. I'm going to be the only one left come July 15 who knows how our server works and such. I am pretty much guaranteed a spot there for the next year, so long as we have an interim director. Plus, in about 10 weeks, my pay get bumped another quarter to $9.93.

In the bioenergetics lab though, my position is somewhat more vulnerable. I have about 6 months experience as a paid employee, which should afford me some security over the two newest recruits, but given the importance of their projects, I seriously doubt that what I am doing in there is important enough for them to keep me around if cash gets strapped.

All of this is so worrying to me that last night, or should I say, this morning, I didn't go to sleep until after 1 AM, and then on top of that, I got up before 5 AM, unable to sleep anymore. Suffice it to say that this has left me physically wiped out.

I am more stressed now than I have been at any other point in the last three years (for which I can attest through my kept journals!) and I think it may be finally killing me, given my new stress of whether or not my heart is going to explode.

I've been thinking about dumping two of my classes (piano and forensic chemistry) just so that I have like $800 less to worry about this coming fall. My tuition would be like $2975 at that point, I'll only be taking 13 hours, two of which would be the week before the semester starts. That way, I can work more hours, pay all my grad school apps, etc. I actually just decided to go ahead and drop forensic chem. That puts me down to 14 hours. However, if I add just one more hour, it only costs me $20 more, so I may add one hour in something.

I am having increasing problems along the lines of the monkey. A little monkey came back, but I am talking about the head honcho of monkeys. I am growing increasingly worried about that, but when I get REALLY stressed, that monkey loves to rear its ugly head. This monkey also tends to be affecting my heart, as any time it rears its ugly head, my heart starts palpitating.

Ugh, I need to stop bitching and do some work. I am going to get caught up through May this weekend!