Fretful, tired, hopeless

I am continually barraged by money problems. Between having to pay for grad school stuff, the rest of my undergraduate stuff, impending insurance costs, my goddamn credit card, and just life in general, I feel like every penny I make is jsut useless because it gets sent someplace else.

I guess this is what happens when you have less than $700 to your name. Granted, this will change tomorrow. I put $100 on my credit card earlier in the week, and I don't know why the company hasn't pulled the money out of my account. They were supposed to do it today, but whatever. They probably will tomorrow morning. I get paid tomorrow too, but I bet you can't guess where all that money's going.

I still have not received a refund on my headphones that I ordered at PPCC and then cancelled. I'm going to have to call them tomorrow on it and hope I get a refund.

I'm starting to think that I wasted the last three years of my life. I know I wasted the first of my three years of college. Seriously, I should have gone to UCCS to begin with, save a TON of money. Plus, it doesn't help that I took seriously useless classes like "Contemporary Currents of Catholicism". I mean, how is that supposed to help anyone anywhere? It isn't. It's a class that rich ass students take at a univeristy that charges to much. I wish I had seen that before I took it, but I guess it's a pain in the ass lesson that I have to learn.

And now, here I am, fortunate that my parents let me live in their house rent free. I also am fortuante that I don't have to pay for all these expenses now.

And to be fair, I am more worried than I need to be, mainly because I have nearly $7,000 in bonds sitting away and almost $10,000 in college savings, though with recent stock market woes, that's probably a lot closer to $9,000. The thing is I don't want to touch that money for anything right now. The bonds are basically my emergency fund. If I cash them, my emergency fund is GONE. Then, I really am destitute.

But I think of all the work that I've done so far, which has been a LOT, and I don't see my life improving a hell of a lot because of it. A bachelor's in history and philosophy are totally useless, and my biology bachelor's can, at best, get me a lab tech job at the hospital which pays like $15 an hour. Admittedly $15 is a LOT better than what I am paid now (average of $9.34), but still. I could not have worked incessantly for like 17 years to get a $5 bonus. I haven't learned at least three languages (Latin is floating somewhere in there) to earn a paltry bit more. Suffice it to say, I am starting to look for a third job...

I am desperate to save money. At the same time though, I think I really should have spent that energy that I spent in history or philosophy on something like nursing or engineering. Definitely the latter. Engineers get paid MASSIVE dolalrs with a bachelor's. I was looking earlier and it's like $29 for electrical engineers and $44 for chemical engineers.

In other news, my heart condition has been getting worse over the last two, maybe three days. I did finally get an appointment on Monday at 2:45, and if I lay low for the next three days, I should not aggravate this thing that's wrong with me. It's starting to have more systemic effects, like fatigue, weakness, and breathing changes. I was helping my family lift some things since we're getting new carpet in, and it was really starting to take a toll. It doesn't help that I'm so damn stressed about money.

I need security, and I don't have it.
I guess I need patience too, and I REALLY don't have it.