Irritated

Despite the fact that I am FINALLY done with school, I still find myself incredibly resentful over my experiences this last semester. In part, because of how stifling it really was. I mean, I only took 16 hours this semester (my least EVER), and I was by far more stressed over the last four months than I ever have been with school. History of Medicine, while an incredibly insightful class, was pure overkill. My thesis was beautiful, except for a couple of parts where I couldn't find any poetry to fill in my primary source gaps.

I have definitely found my care for the science world sucked out after this semester. I mean, really. If you took on all of these jobs with as many promises as were made to me, and then you get absolutely none of them, would you want to stay in the field? I've been told so many times not to gneralize my experience at this university to science as a whole, but I have found science to be suffocating here. In part, because the department does not have enough people to teach. But the other part is that they are satisfied with passing off substandard students with the same degree that I frankly busted my ass for.

Basically, over the last two semesters, I've been fucked over by NOT getting:

A degree that conveys any sense of respect
Over $3000 in pay
Trips to conferences that were promised to me
Publications, also promised to me (at least in biology, my chemistry professor needs it and has worked so much with me...for her I am quite thankful).

Why have I put so much work into all of this? To be screwed over so easily....

On the other hand, I feel like I've gotten a certain sense of recognition for my work in history and philosophy, and those departments actually appreciated my contributions to course work that were even scientifically oriented. With my langauge background, I'm quite satisfied in this land.

Seriously though, compare my transcript records in the fields. In biology, I've taken over 35 hours, chemistry 25, Spanish 15, French 11, German 4, Greek 4, Latin 4, History 18, Philosophy 30.

I feel like I've worked this hard for NOTHING. There has been no reward whatsoever for my dedication and my tiring efforts. What happened to the whole "if you try as hard as hell and do your best, you get rewarded?" I don't know. I've found that instead of recognition, I've gotten scorn.

It's kind of weird, because my out an email inviting everyone to a lunch that the lab (aka, me) pays for. I think I mentioned this...but actually, I would PREFER to go to my graduation over going to this lunch. I never thought I would ever say that I want to go to a graduation over anything...

Today was a slight measure of progress. I expanded my cell lines so that I have multiple flasks of cells. I'm going to let them grow a couple of days before I expand some more. I think I'm going to spend some time tomrrow getting caught up on my lab notebook and some of my data analysis so that way I can just LEAVE whenever I go to Ireland. I do NOT want to be attached to that lab come January 22. I think I can be caught up by then, but one never knows about these things.

Sigh, if that's the case, then I have 35 days left, more or less.

TIME TO START GRAD SCHOOL APPS!