Twice, in a 24 hour period? NO WAY!

It's so hard to believe that I'm actually going to make a posting effort today, after making a post last night. I think this is the first time in over a month I'll have had consecutive posts also occurring on consecutive days.

So the semester starts tomorrow, and I don't know if that means fewer hours of work or more. I've been kind of overwhelming myself with the bioenergetics stuff because I'm anticipating that they'll want a lot of work on the project I'm on done by the end of the year. If I can finish 4 drugs with all 20 cell lines, I'll be happy. Right now, I can get one cell line done a week. This week will be the exception as I'll be doing two this week.

These are the lines I will have done by Tuesday:

3 leukemias
1 breast
1 muscle
2 lymphomas

These are the ones I have left:
2 muscle
2 lung
3 melanoma
2 brain (these can actually be dangerous, so I'm going to do them last)
1 pancreatic
1 cervical
2 more that I can't remember

I've already thawed my two other muscle lines, so they'll be next on the docket. After that, I'm planning on doing the pancreatic one.

Whatever.

Anyways, I was thinking about it yesterday after I finished posting, and I've been seeing so many relationships forming in the last few months and then I went through my momentary lapse in judgment and REALLY wanted one for some reason. Nowadays, I can't stand the idea of being with someone. i can't stand the thought of holding someone's hand, or kissing someone or anything like that. I can't stand the vulnerability.

We're supposedly stronger when we have support, from family, friends, religion, and relationships. If there's anything in this world I've ever learned, I'm strongest when I'm on my own. It's probably why I have no one I can be frank and open with. I have friends, sure, but I never ever voice anything intensely personal with them. Part of that is that there is very little that is intensely personal about me. But those things that you kind of share with people are the things I really like to keep private. I feel some kind of accomplishment when I can say that I solved my own problems.

That's why I'm essentially agnostic now. Years ago I thought I couldn't live without some kind of supernatural support, and I figured out that the support I most needed was my own. I figure that if there is some supernatural being out there who is eventually going to judge me, I want to be judged on what I have done and what my actions were, and not what my beliefs were.

I turn 21 on Tuesday, and I've had people ask me out for a drink. I honestly am not sure that I want to go with anyone, because I've already learned that if there's something alcohol does to you, it's the breakdown of social inhibition. Social inhibition is basically my crutch in life. In order to distinguish myself, I have chosen a publically monastic life, refusing food, rest, sleep, or any kind of luxury whatsoever. I actually have tried to persuade one of my employers to avoid giving me a raise, because the less money I make, the more I have to work. Alcohol is the antithesis of this inhibition, my wish to become totally other. I got a little tipsy on rum (from too much tiramisu) before, and I acted like an idiot. I also have that whole issue with Brandon weighing on my mind. my impending birthday prompted me to pay my first visit there in like 2 years.

If there's anything that I have to be, it's seperate. In the world of science, people are almost totally incompetent with words. So I speak 3 languages and am in the learning process of 5 more; plus, I'm a total grammar Nazi. Everyone I know takes breaks for lunch or whatever, and I explicitly don't take breaks just to make myself different. It's stupid, I know, but it's the only way I can exist. Without having that distinction from everyone else in the world, then I get sucked in.

Once I hit grad school, I imagine that I'll be even more siphoned off. My plan is to work about as much as I do now (last two weeks I worked 100 hours), continue my language studies, and completely isolate myself socially. Wherever I go, I have no intention of making friends. I'll have coworkers and acquaintances, but right now, what I desperately want is to be alone.

I'm going to go to bed since I need to be at school at about 7 tomorrow.