Issues, Torment, and Stress

Between now and Wednesday, my life is hell, for a variety of reasons.

Again, the whole only parent who isn't a parent at home thing is stressful. While it's really fulfilling to help my sister with her school stuff, to have carved a pumpkin with her tonight (my first time ever doing it...goddamn stringy things), and hoffentlich to be able to go to Woodland Park with her this weekend (Donut Mill excursion and a short scenic drive), it's really stressful. I'm spending hours doing math homework with her when I have a stack of thesis books waiting on me. Between her, my job, my school, and the whole family stress thing going on with my grandfather dying after a LONG bout with dimensia (actually, the stress isn't him actually dying, we're all kind of relieved, honestly, it's what we're going to do with my grandmother and her Alzheimers...what kind of support is she going to have? etc.), I'm burnt out. And I have 50 days between now and when school gets out.

One slightly less stressing thing: I've paid off my plane ticket to Munich.

That's definitely one thing I've learned. My grandfather died yesterday with $500,000 to his name. Fortunately, it's enough to support my grandmother for up to eleven years, but I seriously doubt she'll live much more than five--she might even die pretty quickly, he was her life. I can't imagine all the experiences that they missed together with that much money. They could have seen the world ten times over, but they didn't. They stayed in the same home for 40 years, only traveling to see family, to go to Hawaii three times (which was forced on them), aand maybe one trip to Tennessee. Granted, being in WWII, they both got to go to the South Pacific and France, but they never really did much. After his heart surgery in 2000, they slowly stopped living. I would really say that by 2004, they stopped LIVING. Sure, they existed in the routine of sameness, but they stopped doing the things they used to do, like volunteering at hospitals and church, going to senior meetings, etc.

That's what killed him. She's going to die of Alzheimers and loneliness, but they missed so much opportunity at life.

I'm not going to let that happen to me. I know I'm spending all kinds of money I don't have on going to Munich in November and Ireland in January to February. I know I'm wasting all kinds of time on scientific research by going into the Peace Corps and getting masters degree(s?) in international studies (and maybe history?). Chances are pretty good that I'll take another trip I can't afford in May or June. But goddammit, I want to say I lived. I've left Colorado twice in the last five years, never for enjoyment.

In the meanwhile though, I have to suffer through the monotony.

Good things that have happened:
1. I DID finish that history of medicine and my 10 pages of thesis
2. I got a 103% on a German test for which I didn't even study
3. I am ALMOST done with my thesis research
4. I've gotten This Land is Your Land down on piano with broken chords, albeit slowly playing it, and I'm almost there on Silent Night and the Forty Finger Ensemble.
5. I picked my courses for this semester:
GER 102: German II
FR 212: French IV
P AD 5285: Health Policy
PHIL 950: Independent Study, philosophy
P AD 5001: Intro to Public Admin.
6. Did I mention I ALMOST have my Munich plane trip paid off?
7. Did I mention that I leave for Munich in three weeks?????

BAD THINGS:
1. Oh, my history of medicine never ceases, with another take home exam due on Tuesday, my outline and biblio for my second paper due on Tuesday, and a ton of reading.
2. Thesis.....I only have 10 pages done, I'm only up to about 1630 in my work, and I need to get to about 1690.
3. Languages: I really am not devoting the time I should be to these
4. Housework: Holy Shit. I have some cleaning to do this weekend.
5. I am so damn tired. I may go to bed soon, if the pot of coffee I just drank doesn't fuck me up.