Hiding Amaranth

2009-12-31T21:19:00.001-08:00

Moved to corazondelfuego.blogspot.com

My Heart Pounds in My Head at the Sound of Your Name

2009-11-26T08:41:00.000-08:00

Or that may just be the fact that yesterday I finally got my bodhran DVD, and spent about a half hour playing it this morning.

No, there definitely is the heart pounding going on too...I'm absolutely and completely bonkers over a particular someone. We ended up going to the movies on Tuesday night (Thank goodness, had no class), and we saw Planet 51. That's one of the things I really like about him...he's a kid at heart too. One of his favorite movies is Beauty and the Beast---and one of mine is Pocahontas (have...and regularly sing along to the soundtrack).

Afterwards, we talked for HOURS about Marian theology, world history, etc. It's shocking to have someone so easy to talk to. Being around him makes me so happy, it's hard to stand it.

I kind of wish our conversations could be a little more personal and a little less academic, but that will come.

Whenever I get to this point, I feel reinvigorated, like I know I can wait for him, because I have faith that he'll see me having done this, gone through suffering the long periods without him, and committed to him without reciprocation and doing it only with the hope of someday having it, and realize that I'm someone worth getting to know.

My confidence grows as I realize that I'm getting my wheels spinning--my new job is going come December 1 to pay me enough to live on my own, and I'm going to move out sometime in December or January.

The one thing that's not going is the fact that I am behind on my history paper, a rough draft due Tuesday, and I have no way of writing 12-15 pages on it. Shit. I should go do that.

2009-11-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

So I spoke too soon. Last night he asked what I was doing today and wondered if I wanted to go to a movie with him. I said yes and he said he'd get back to me later. That hasn't happened, so I guess he changed his mind.

God particularly likes torturing me.

Tonight's one of those tough nights where I'm really feeling self-pitying. I guess I'll just work on history.

2009-11-21T17:55:00.000-08:00

OMG. I just got asked to go to a movie by someone super special. I have butterflies :D

Paucitous Writing: Good Reasons

2009-11-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

Busy, busy, busy is the motto of my life right now.

I did finish and turn in my historiographical essay, and after I post this, I'll read more of my book on which I'm presenting (thank God, it's only half that I REALLY have to worry about). I'm going to try to reach page 83 tonight (on 60 right now), and tomorrow I'll get through to about page 120 if possible. I have my lunch hour where I'll do some reading, so that should help.

So, yeah, I have three more days (next two Mondays and this Wednesday) at the prison, and then it's the end of that job and on to full time at the Peds clinic. I kind of wish I made more than 12.20 an hour, but compared to 9 an hour and having to leave more than 15 minutes earlier, I'll take it. I save a TON on gas.

I've had two glasses of white zin tonight. I seriously need to stop drinking that stuff, because it tastes so good that I keep drinking it.

Okay, so I finished the first season of Rome (SOOO GOOD.), and a lot of sewing. My goal is by the end of the second season to have adequately sewn enough on my dolphins to have the top right quadrant done.

Of course, this weekend=research on virgin cults and Mariology in late antique Rome. That and a flu clinic.

By the way, we FINALLY got our shipment of vaccine in, so we're calling parents, setting up clinics, which means extra hours at work for me (YAY!). I also get paid in about two hours (YAY), and I don't have to put a damned penny towards my credit card.

I'm too spastic with this much wine in me. I'm getting off of this computer!

What To Do?

2009-11-15T20:26:00.000-08:00

It's 9:30, and I've almost exhausted the amount of things that I can do (key=almost). I finished a draft of my historiographical essay today, and will edit several times tomorrow. Probably one or two whilst at work for the prisons--I have to give them my 2 weeks notice tomorrow too.

I've already read 40 pages out of 200 on my next book for class (due in almost 3 weeks). I'm going to finish it this week and put together my notes for my discussion leadership. After that, I can focus solely on my virgin paper.

Money is irritating. I'm exhausting my savings account to pay off my credit card. I'm supposed to be paid 108 that I've never seen from UCCS, and then this Friday I get paid about $530 from work. Still, that means my savings will only have about $750 in it. Ugh. At least next Friday I get about $153, and then another $500 the week after that. Once I start full time, my pay will be around $900 every two weeks...maybe slightly less than that.

It's hard to believe 2009 is coming to an end.

Ugh, I am so busy on one hand, but so not busy on another. It's frustrating and impossible to describe.

I think I'll watch another episode of Rome before trying to clean my room some and then go to bed.

Life Progress

2009-11-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

Finally, things are feeling like they're turning around.

Let's go through the things that I've gone through in the last few days:

1) I just got offered full time at my pediatrics job, which means I'll get at least 40 hours a week, with the opportunity for more with Saturdays 8-12 and flu clinics as our supplies start coming in. Come 2010 (as that's when I'm going to elect into the benefits system), I'll have health care, dental, and vision insurance. Plus, on top of that, I'll be making at least 12.20 an hour. No bitching here.

2) I FINISHED reading my book for class 4 days early, which means the next three can be dedicated towards finishing my historiographical essay. Only two more books to read for class this semester, including my all-time favorite historian and inventor of late antiquity, Peter Brown.

3) I had an awesome time with Thom last weekend, and I sent him flowers that he liked. It's a long, involved story, so I might share that for another night.

4) I got Rome the HBO series in at the library (LOVE IT).

5) My credit card balance as of Monday will be $0.

6) In general, goodwill and glee is to be found. Yay!

Trudging

2009-11-09T20:47:00.000-08:00

That's how progress is on my recent Roman history book, which I am desperately trying to finish as early as I can, since I have the 24th for discussion. I'm on 251 out of 516, which is more than I anticipated reaching this week. Good things that help: I have Wednesday and Friday morning off, so that's eight hours of reading. Things that don't help: 4 hours of work on Saturday and the internet.

That's all I can really say right now.

Que Sera, Sera

2009-11-08T19:31:00.000-08:00

Stupid blogger accents...grr.

Anyways, that is the attitude I'm taking right now with all of that. Last night was great, despite the fact that Paranormal Activity scared me so much that I got 0 hours of sleep last night...it was much better to share that scariness with someone than no one, for sure. It was good to just hang out without worrying about anything (which I conscientiously decided before going over).

I was a little sad at the end, but I feel okay in general.

Okay, so I'll be honest, when he opened the door, my heart skipped a beat. When I saw him, I still felt the same things--that he's the most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on, both inside and out. I was googly. It was a little tough going to dinner because my food wasn't that good (I DO NOT RECOMMEND FRIED SALMON) and Red Robin is really loud in general. Although we both agreed one of the servers (totally straight, unfortunately) had a really nice ass.

I love how I irritate him by paying for everything. I do it intentionally, because at some point, I'll irritate him so much that he feels obligated to ask me out (saving me the burden of worrying about it) instead of the other way around.

My bowling was improved, as I got 86, 110, 86, and 117 in my four games.

My Roman history is okay--giant soap opera really. I'm turning in two reviews this week, which will end my review demand. I still have two essays to write in basically two weeks, but that's doable. I also have to prep my classroom discussion. I'm going to postpone applying for winter jobs until I finish all of that.

I'm not looking forward to working tomorrow (ugh) at either job really. I hate driving all the way down to the world arena and back...and what I really hate is trying to find things to do over 4 hours. I mean, it's pretty easy to occupy myself entering data for about 2 hours, but after that it's a crapshoot. They want me to read about different treatment programs, but it doesn't mean much to me.

I need a three day weekend soon...won't happen for a while, desafortunamente.

I have a gay online chat open because I like to read the drama and it's big tonight. Holy cow. All out cat fight on tonight, people.

I'm really spastic.

And I need to go back to reading about Rome.

So...I've Given Up

2009-11-06T19:48:00.001-08:00

Yeah, I know I'm only 22, but I've given up hope that another man is going to see me for something other than a slab of meat to be used as he wants. One of the things that sucks about 22 is that I'm looked at as immature, solely interested in sex, and filled with drama. I'm sick of it. Then, as soon as age starts to show on me, no one will really look at me.

So I figure it's time now to just accept the fact that I'm going to be single my whole life and that instead of wondering, I'm just going to work hard, like I've always done, and occupy myself as best I can in other ways. This doesn't mean that my feelings towards Thom are diminished at all, but I realize that neither he nor anyone else will seriously look at me. Case in point-the last three guys I was chatting with online I bored. And these weren't guys looking for a hook-up either.

Eh, it's okay I guess. It means I'll be spending less money, I suppose. Dinner for one is a WHOLE lot cheaper than dinner for two.

Besides, with my realization that I am indeed totally undesirable, I can get back to working on my foreign languages, reading my books, and figuring out how to stress myself out. I'm starting the search for a third job on weekends and Friday mornings.

If I occupy myself enough, I won't have time to think about any of this.

In good news, my savings account has just crossed $1000 for the first time in AGES. My credit card is down to about $650, but will probably go up again because I'm going bowling tonight (alone, alas), and then tomorrow I'll be paying for dinner with Thom. Yes, I know. I'm already prepping myself not to get my hopes up at all, despite the fact that I know the moment I see him my heart will leap, and I'll get that googly look in my eyes when we're looking at each other and I see something different in him than he does in me. I already know what's going to happen with everything. I'm going to have to pretend I'm okay with being just friends, when deep down it tears me apart, and I don't want it to show because he'll feel weird or bad or whatever. I'll avoid being serious at all costs--even if it means being eaten alive for it.

I'm going to play a game of Dice Wars and then go to bowl.

Regret?

2009-11-05T19:53:00.001-08:00

I'm kind of wondering if I regret these last six months and the choices that I've made in them. I didn't have so much pain then, because it was easy to suppress. I worked a ton of hours and I went to school a ton more, so it was okay to focus on work ALL the time.

Now, my life lacks structure. I have one class a week (that'll change soon), and work doesn't really demand much out of me. I'm working in my spare time on my history work, but it's hard to motivate myself right now. At least when I suppressed who I was, I could use my utter fear to propel me to work harder.

I honestly miss working myself so hard that at the end of the day I was too exhausted to do anything else. I miss getting up at 5 AM and going to bed at 12, not because of any special reason, but because I had to be up early to get to work and late to study. Now, I feel that that has slipped quite a bit.

I wish I could take lessons or something to keep me busy. PPCC has guitar Monday and Wednesday night...that would be nice...

Maybe I should.

Wondering What's Wrong

2009-11-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me today if I was depressed, because I never really show any element of happiness. I was kind of put off by that. I mean, when I see a funny joke, I laugh, right?

I'm drained, I'll admit. Every morning when I wake up, I feel like jello, and it takes a good thirty minutes for my body to start waking up. Scary thing is that this week has not been one of my weeks where I don't sleep.

On top of that, I have almost no energy at night--perhaps because I spend it all during the day at work, because it's so hectic that I'm always moving at both jobs. Even though I really don't do anything at DOC, I'm still going from room to room. (Speaking of which, I am NOT looking forward to 4 hours there tomorrow...)

I had another (BORING) training session at work this morning, and now I'm trained to sort of do check-out, which is nice because if I'm assigned check-out, I don't have to deal directly with people coming in so much.

But like tonight, I came home, got some stuff and went to Starbucks, but I am just so lethargic in general that I don't feel like asking friends to do anything with me. I just kind of want to sink into a puddle.

Maybe I am depressed. Over the last few years, almost all of my friends have moved, which is difficult. To some degree, it's devastating, because I just don't have anyone who is able to meet with me. And I'm so tired all the time now, I really don't have the energy to put out the effort to go out. I'd rather read (if I can focus long enough to) or work on my masters degree. The only people in town I really do much with are Thom and Stacie...and neither of those has worked out well for various reasons.

I know I'm not hypothyrodic, because I haven't gained any weight, and that's a major symptom. Plus, I don't have the overwhelming tiredness.

I sent cards to Grant and Thom. I'll hear from Grant, because while he's in rehab, he's going to want someone to talk to. Thom won't even acknowledge me.

We're supposed to go to dinner this weekend, but I dunno. I hate this whole get revved up to see him only to be let down by the fact that I might hear from him once every two weeks and see him once a month thing.

I'm tired of everything. I wish I could have a fresh start someplace new...

The Second Class Citizen

2009-11-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

We're going to lose Maine. I'm writing this at 1030 at night, watching the results come in, and it looks bad. We're going to go down by the same margin of 52-48 that went down in California. And this time, how do we explain it?

I am a second class citizen. I do not deserve equal rights in the eyes of my government, and Maine was supposed to change things, for some reason. Here is a relatively independent minded people who could have been the first people to assume that just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I deserve lesser rights.

I wanted this to be a different result, because I wanted us to gain a state by popular assent, not by the force of the judiciary or of the legislature. All the mechanisms by which I have to ask for rights that should be mine without the request are slow. Sure, five states will be a HELL of a lot better than the one we had at the beginning of the year. But we lost California a year ago, and now we're losing Maine. This isn't Mississippi or Alabama, states where people by and large are bigoted. This is Maine.

I think this result is going to set us back by 5 years, at the least.

And where do we turn now? Sure, DC will legalize by the end of the year. New York has a bill that will die because of the inadequacies of their senate. No other states have serious legislative agendas planned on the issue, and no court is going to act on our behalf at this point--mainly because no courts are hearing the issue. The only hope we have for a change is if the US Supreme Court accepts Massachusetts v. USA on DOMA and has DOMA overturned. Then, there's no point in maintaining constitutional amendments banning same sex marriage, because it can only ban those performed in the state, and with DOMA suspended, it means that I can go get married in Massachusetts or Iowa or wherever, and Colorado MUST accept my marriage as valid.

Right now, I really don't like the Catholic Church.

Tediosity=Life

2009-11-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

I don't like being a 'grown-up' that much. I don't like how working 8 hours+ a day drains me--although it's not so bad when my work place can coordinate when it wants me to come in for training. That mishap cost me about 2 hours of work at the prison system today, which was frustrating...not that I would have done much anyways.

Tomorrow promises to be a LONG day--3 hours of training in the morning, 4 hours of work, and three hours of class. In the midst of that, I need to edit my research proposal and start my editing process on one of my reviews.

Halloween was kinda cool. I went to Goodwill with Julie and bought a rad outfit, assembled by my own hand. I'll post pics on facebook soon. We had a decently good time at Cowboys. It was slightly frustrating because the staff went shirtless...had to divert my eyes too many times ;-). Especially the one that didn't have a painted on shirt--wow. If I had a body like that, I'd have lines going out my door. Kinda weird face though. Faces matter. I don't need to change faces, because that's probably the hottest part of me.

I am going to be going to Cowboys' dance lessons at the end of the month--East and West coast swing. Anyone interested in coming with is more than welcome. By the way, Erin, once you turn 21, we need to go. They do card check at the door, so you're sort of off limits at certain times of the day.

I need to write Grant a letter in rehab. He needs as much support as possible, and to get a letter of encouragement should help. I'll do that after getting off of this.

I need to REALLY crack down on history. A month and two weeks to go to end of semester. GAH!

My Oh So Boring Life

2009-11-01T17:52:00.000-08:00

So this week was not very exciting, in many respects. I started my new job at the Dept. of Corrections, and it looks like something that, frankly, I'm not going to enjoy that much. All I've done is a bunch of training thus far on privacy and stuff, which I don't need. I've learned how to enter a couple of forms into the database system, but that's about it so far.

It's problematic because all the UCCS students are psych people, and the work they do means something to them, and to me, this is all meaningless. I don't care about compiling statistics AT ALL. Plus, it is kind of irritating to have a bachelor's degree and only get paid $9 an hour. Last Thursday, I felt kind of lost about what to do with my time, because I entered all of my data by 9:30, and so from then until noon, I think I cleaned, I read some stuff about the treatment programs, and got the mail.

My other job has been causing me some emotional stress because of the overwhelming amount of panic about these flus. I mean, in a 4 hours shift, I probably answer about 30 calls, and of those 30, maybe 10-15 are about flu. I really want to tell these mothers that it actually would be a good thing in the long run for their kids to get the flu because first of all, flu normally does not damage children too much and second because we're so worried about not getting sick that the buggers are building up their forces to launch an onslaught against us. It gets worse that I cannot tell these mothers these things, and that I have to somehow console them by suggesting places to get vaccinated.

I get some angry ones too, but I try to calm them before it.

Then I get tired of having the onslaught of patients come in too, at times. Especially after fielding five or ten patients in a row, I start grating a little, and I can't take a break because there's no one else to be found to do the work. Last Friday, I pulled a full 8hr shift, and I was really frustrated by the general lack of help that I got. I guess it showed a little, because someone complained that I wasn't nice enough.

Irritating.

On top of that, I'm feeling undermotivated to work on history, which I really need to do. I'm unmotivated to do much right now, and with all of the stress between these two jobs, dealing with school, money, and then my whole personal problem world, it's really tough for me right now. Probably shows in that I cried three times last week, twice after work and once on Wednesday for other reasons.

Last night was okay, but I guess I'll talk about that tomorrow.

Needing a Break from Reading

2009-10-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

I've been reading for about 2 hours now about Hellenistic History & Culture, and I need a short break. Actually, the reading is going astonishingly well, when I don't stop to do whatever. The first chapter was about Macedonian kingship, which was kinda eh. The second (my favorite in all likelihood) was about the fringe societies of the Hellenistic world, particularly India and Meroe (Nubia). The one I'm on now deals with what makes Hellenistic art Hellenistic. It's okay, I suppose, except for the fact that it's 50 pages long, and I am not that well versed in art history. I have one more after that that's about 20 pages long to read on something...before tomorrow night.

I may write my third review on this book, even though I was hoping to do it worshiping the work of Peter Brown, who with Garrett Mattingly, is my favorite historian.

My finances are irritating me. What else is new there?

I've almost settled on getting my master's here. I mean, I have at least one good job. Why take the risk of having to pay tuition and then have to go through the whole job search AGAIN, after I've just recovered from almost a month of no work?

Speaking of work, I'm starting to get offers for my co-workers' daughters and sisters. Very awkward for me, because I can't just go and say "hmm...well, I don't know about your daughter, but tell me about your son".

I need to get back onto my Latin study still. UGH.

Got my flu vaccine today--and I'm starting to feel it a little bit. My throat was scratchy. Here's hoping the flu vaccine works this year!

Ah, Work. My Salvation

2009-10-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

Work my be the thing that keeps me sane as everything sorts itself out. I got my other job working with the department of corrections. I go to UCCS to sort out the paperwork for the job (thank God, I don't have to go all the way down the to the World Arena), and then tomorrow, I start my 8-12 shift there. It's Monday-Thursday, so I retain Friday mornings free, in general. Except this week. I have to be at my peds office job at 7:30 this Friday because one of my co-workers asked for the morning off, so I need to fill in. At least I get off at 4 so that I can get to the hospital.

I'm almost recovered from my cold. I HATE being sick, because if I don't take any meds, then I exude symptoms of disease (runny nose and coughing, normally), but meds really mess up my brain. Normally, I do a very good job of filtering things, because too much honesty is very bad, both because I tend to be brutally honest and because I expose myself in ways I don't want to (see recent blog entries on that!). Plus, cold meds make me terribly emotional, and given how emotional I have been without the drugs, I really don't need acetamenophin, dextromorphin or whatever that is, and their accomplices to mess me up any more.

I AM SO BEHIND IN HISTORY. I have 100 pages to read in less than 36 hours. I only have a page and a half on my five-six page historiographical essay, I only have ONE review (out of three) done, although I just finished a draft of review two and now must obsessively edit it. Goals for this week:
1) Finish review two.
2) Finish current book for this and next week
3) Finish a draft of historiographic essay
4) Write my 2-3 page proposal on virginity in the Late Antique world and how the theology of Mary's virginity co-incides with all of that.

Should I mention my loathing of money? I probably shouldn't. Okay, I will. I hate money. More specifically, I hate staring at my savings account for a month now and it has not changed really. It's gone down maybe $25 dollars, but that's because I've been putting all my charges on credit. It's worked its way back up to about $600. So frustrating. It doesn't help that I won't see another paycheck for TWO WEEKS. Well, more like 12 days. But still. I've been looking for a third job that I can work on Sat and Sun, but I've seen nothing that's weekend only. With my recent rejection from Target (Never again will I use the word recalcitrant in an interview...) and the fact that Sears totally ignored me, I'm not sure what to expect in the whole retail world.

It also REALLY does not help that Christmas is coming.

I'm never going to make enough money to finally live on my own. GAH!

Ok, honesty time

2009-10-23T18:23:00.000-07:00

So I should take a few moments to clarify that I am sick, and frequently I do not think very well or lucidly when ill.

But what I have to say is a little bit, I dunno, exposing to me. I really don't believe in all that Celtic spirituality stuff I profess to believe in. I don't have a lot of special powers. I made all of it up to cope with the fact that I am undesirable. I say I'm destined by some external force to be alone, when in reality, it's just because I'm not really that lovable.

I will wake up alone at 50, but not because God ordains it so.

Being sick and heartbroken kinda sucks.

An Addendum

2009-10-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

My sister asked me the other day why I commit myself like this, why I don't just take the easier route, give up, and look elsewhere.

Suffice it to say, my sister has never been in a relationship, and I don't think she'll ever get to the stage of a serious one with that kind of thinking.

These things are NEVER easy. They take hard work, and sometimes they take sacrifice and suffering. Am I tired of suffering? Absolutely. Do I wish that I could just wave a magic wand to make it easy? No. It's not worth anything if it's not worth working for. I will keep doing it, because I'm willing to put the work into this to find out if it works. Sometimes, that work involves waiting a long time for someone to come around. If I didn't think that Thom was someone worth waiting for and working on improving myself for, I wouldn't be going through this.

I bitch here to vent; I cry to release my frustrations; but I do NOT give up.

I do hope sincerely that when he gets over the last guy who hurt him, he looks around and sees that I'm still here, and that I've waited all of this time for the right reasons. If he doesn't, then that's the way life works, and I will go on.

Meanwhile, I start my position at ABC Peds tomorrow--as all of last week was just training. Now, starts the tough part of the job: constant exposure to germies, whiny moms, etc. But it's 4 hours a day, so it's not too much.

Furthermore, I really need to buckle down on ancient history. Today I finish my research for my historiographical paper and I'll compose a tentative outline for my review on Cantarella. Course scheds are coming out Monday, I think. We shall see what awaits my spring semester...

Back to Old Habits

2009-10-17T13:15:00.001-07:00

Well, I tried, and I utterly failed. Not that I'm totally surprised by this process of events--every other attempt I've ever made has failed. I'm starting to really grow convinced that I'm supposed to be this way. In one of my facebook notes, I mentioned how I generally feel called to be somone who loves monogamously. I didn't say that someone would return that to me.

I tend to believe in some of the ways of my Celtic ancestors. I know that I have a powerful insight, not only into other people, but into certain future events. I can't predict certainties, but my intuition gives me the ability to gauge future events on my visceral responses to particular questions. When I inquire as to how my life will be, my intuition makes it clear that solitude is in my future--why, I don't know. But I'll ask whether I'll ever have anyone who will treat me the way I am willing to treat others, and the answer is unanimously no.

I feel the overwhelming desire to go back to the way things used to be for me--where I was content to take 28 credit hours a semester, work 20 hours+ a week, and really have no life. I can't be hurt that way, because I'm so successful with school and work that I don't have to worry about being vulnerable.

My heart is devastated. My mind a shambles. And I stare at a wall of overwhelming silence. I have so many questions, and so few answers.

I'm tired of suffering.

It's all futile, really

2009-10-15T10:37:00.000-07:00

Let's get one thing straight, I know he's not into me. I just know it. My brain is not stupid, it is not blind. Here's the reason: he doesn't make an effort. Two weeks ago, we went to dinner at Slayton's, and I paid the bill. He later said that I shouldn't have had to pay for mediocre barbeque, but I said if it was that bad for him, he could take me out to dinner. You normally don't wait two weeks for something like that if you're interested at all.

He knows that I am interested and yet makes no effort to get a hold of me. Sometimes I'll send texts and get ignored. I get no reciprocity, really. Which is so odd, because when we do happen to meet up--once every two weeks if I'm lucky, we get along pretty well, I mean we talk readily about a lot of different things. But, like I said, I'm not blind.

He says he gets really busy this time of year, but if you're interested in someone, then you make the time for him or her, even when your schedule is crazy. He doesn't really make any time for me.

At this point, I don't pray that he forms an interest in me (I gave up on that, and besides, God doesn't even have that kind of power). I do though that he opens up to whatever man it is that will give him the world and more and one to whom he would be ready to give as well. I really wish people could see how amazing he is really. I mean, it takes a lot for me to be in awe of someone, and I definitely feel that way about him.

The thing is that I won't look elsewhere, because my heart's one strength over my brain is its ability to fixate, and mine has already made it clear that it won't give up until he starts seeing someone else or the day comes when he really is ready to start and he just tells me that I'm not.
So, I will wait, I will do it patiently, even though I already know the outcome; because that's what it means to whatever.

Tonight's going to involve a lot of crying.

The Meaning of Patience

2009-10-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

I sort of made an idiot of myself, as I mentioned yesterday, and I was thinking some today about how stupid I really made myself, and to a certain extent, somewhat shallow....for lack of a better word.

I realized today that part of saying that I'm going to be willing to wait means that I have to do it with a spirit of charity, not of impatience. There's an element that says it's good to do the right thing--i.e. waiting in every sense of the word. There is no way that I'm willing to let another man interfere with the commitment that I'm willing to make here. I've had a few less than virtuous offers in the last weeks, but I refuse to give in on those accounts, because I realized why I always heard that it's a good idea to wait. If he finally realizes what is in front of him (i.e., me) had decides that I'm worth risking, and that he is too, it would be amazing.

My attitude has to dictate how I'm going to wait these weeks or even months (hopefully not years). Each day that goes by is one less day I have to wait, to wait to hear his voice again, to wait to see him, and hopefully for him to take the chance on me. I don't have to do it with a hover of fear, as I have. I've been afraid that by trying to do the right thing, I'll end up getting burned, and that's the completely wrong way of taking it.

The right way is to wait with hope, and to wait with confidence. In the meantime, I improve upon myself. I work hard at school, because it means that I will be able to provide better for myself and for whoever the man of my future is, whether it is Thom or not. Whenever I conjure the image of one for which I want to be able to do that, it just so happens that it's him because I like him, but consciously, I know that I want to do this for whoever out there is hopefully destined to be with me. Poor sucker.

But I'll save money, work hard, and hopefully get even better jobs than where I'm at now. In the meantime, I have to hope that his eyes are slowly realizing that I'm not like the exes who didn't treat him the right way. I have to hope he sees in me someone who could make him happy if he just let me in, the way that I have let him in for me. I have to hope he sees that the fact that I was willing to wait says something about who I am. And I do it with optimistic anticipation now, not with a pessimism typical of me. If I end up hurt because of it, then that's life. But I don't think he's the kind of man who would make me wait and then hurt me.

The meaning of patience is to stand up and to take every minute, realizing that it's one minute less of waiting, not one more minute of torture. The time I have to wait is always growing shorter. That's a good way of seeing it, I suppose.

Wow, twice in as many days

2009-10-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

So, I must admit that my last post was made under emotional duress. I did not sleep very well the previous two nights. My brain works in a funny way: I need at least 4 hours of sleep to have any effectiveness whatsoever, and Thursday night, that was all I got. I have a tendency to be crabby when I don't have at least six, so I was a little bitchy. The dog kept waking me, and I had coffee too late in the day.

Friday night was an absolute disaster sleeping, with only about 2 hours. Accumulation of deprivation is really bad. After a couple of days of sub-par sleep, I start losing control of my emotions, and I've said it before, I'm basically a Vulcan. I have to have a strong control of my emotions because if I don't, then it runs like wildfire. Had I not gotten a decent night's sleep last night, I would have been crazy today, in a psychopathic kind of way.

But anyways, now that that's all better, I can get back to work. I went to Grace Episcopal this morning, and thanks to the icy roads, it was disastrous driving (almost hit by psycho-lady), and there were literally more people who did all of the liturgical stuff for their service (mass?) than attendees.

Whatever. Anyways, the rest of today should be dedicated to further pursuits in the historical field, as I desperately try to get ahead before I'm working half time. If I don't have something by the time I hit full-time stride, I'm going to be screwed.

I made a list of five things to work on by the end of the year:

1. Work on my potty mouth (I'm going to get rid of 'shit' and 'fuck' from my vocab. It sounds nasty, and I don't like saying it).
2. Obviously, my graduate school work.
3. Eliminate credit card debt (only $500, but still...).
4. Raise savings to at least $1500 (may not be possible...we'll see)
5. Re-energize Latin/French. Four languages at one time is too much for me.

Ok, so I need to post something for a change

2009-10-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

My over a month absence has been inexcusable, and I msut apologize for it. Things have been kind of rough, and these last weeks have had some pretty monumental changes involved.

The first being graduate school. I thought I really was going to be out of my league on this one, getting sucked into something that I couldn't do. I know my friend Pearl is having some difficulties herself with feeling like she belongs in grad school. but for me, I haven't felt more confident in my abilities in my life. Part of it was the fact that for the first time over the summer, I paid for all of my classes, which showed me that I can do it if I have to. I basically have to sacrifice everything that I want, but I did it. Furthermore, it made me value my education more. I feel like when I have something to say, that it makes some kind of contribution to the class--and not like before where I would make irrelevant contributions, but I'm making a substantial effort here, and it's paying off. Now, I don't know about my written work yet...Duvick has yet to return any of it to me, but I think my first review was competent. I know now that I definitely picked the right field for me...I'm an historian first and foremost.

The second thing being the whole process of coming out. It's mostly complete, and the people closest to me in my life now all know, including both of my parents, who took it much better than I surmised they would. They're probably not at full acceptance stage yet, but they've both had emotional days, and what surprised me was my maturity--I wasn't afraid of my parents anymore. I really thought that my dad would have strangled me, but the strange thing is that he values his time with me more. He knows where I'm coming from and hereally sees that he raised a good, upstanding man. There are many people who don't know yet, for varying reasons, but I'm not ashamed any longer. The fact that with this post, I am now linking my facebook to my blog means that I'm okay with other people I know reading into these elements of my life. I don't know how many of you will end up reading this, but the support that many of you have given me has meant so much. My sister, Erin, and some of my best friends, including Karin, Maricor, Stacie, and especially Thom, your support has meant so much, that I cannot say. Then on top of that, to have people who I barely know willing to help and support me like Grant, Michaela, and Kaleena means so much to me too.

The third, and perhaps most important factor, has been the fact that I accept and care about myself. I used to do things for the wrong reasons--to have other people's acceptance. Now I do good things because I care about others. I look at myself in the mirror, and instead of putting myself down, I challenge myself to do more than I did yesterday, to keep trying when things look darkest. There is always the temptation within to revert, especially when things don't go my way, but those dark days are things to which I cannot return.

There are still things that leave me jumbled and confused. Before I went to New Orleans/Pensacola last month, I sent Thom a letter telling him how important he is to me and how much I care about him. He's gone through far worse than I ever will, and that in part has conditioned him to be afraid to let other people in. I don't want to say too much to respect his privacy, but I can't imagine myself having pushed through the things he has suffered, and yet, despite it all, his outlook is great.

There's something about him that leaves me in awe. I mean, none of my readers out there know him, but he is more fascinating than anyone I've probably met. He's the only person I have met who is able so consistently to challenge me across the board--intellectually, creatively, and personally. Actually, I think he's probably smarter than I am, which is a huge challenge to me, because when it comes to brains, I like to be competitive. He's definitely wiser, but in wisdom, I have learned that it's not so much how much of it that you have, but how much you value the wisdom that you do have. For that, I can thank my Celtic ancestry.

I'm kind of stuck because I want to respect his space and let him sort through things, but at the same time, I want to do things that show him that I care, and I want him to get the chance to know me as I have him. Materially speaking, I'm not that great of a catch, because so much of my money goes towards school. I mean, if this was Jane Austen times, I couldn't get a fisherman's daughter. But the thing is that I work hard, I value what and who I have in my life, and as soon as I finish my graduate work, that material problem will go away, no problem at all. It's awkward, because he's the first person that I've genuinely been interested in who will even talk to me...my past experiences have been people ignoring and rejecting me.

I'm scared too on a certain level that there will be some hot hunk who swoops in and snatches him, and I'll be all "dammit, I tried to do the right thing by respecting his need to heal, and this jackass came in".

I could use some advice here...obviously. My inexperience means that I need the help of my much more successful friends in this matter.

The final bit of good news is that I have not only one, but two (probably...) jobs! Come Monday, I start my training to be a medical receptionist for a pediatric office, which will be a 1-5 PM job; and then I'm the leading candidate for a job doing data entry with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I have to go through a ridiculous amount of background checking into my life and all kinds of polygraph tests and stuff. They both pay better than my last job. I'm still considering a third one, but with grad school, I doubt that three is a smart thing.

Well, thus, I must say that life looks like it's slowly swinging up.

Before I neglect it too much, this month has brought me my first visits to Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and Georgia, so I'm up to 33 states and DC. Only 17 to go before I've hit my first big travel goal...

2009-09-03T22:13:00.001-07:00

I really need a friend right now.

It's weird, I post facebook messages saying how I really feel crappy, and I get sort of blase responses.

I have a lot to say about the last few weeks, but it's all on my laptop right now, so it'll be a retrospective.

I've applied for 40 jobs and have heard nothing. I'm starting to lose faith in my ability to do work.

I had dinner with Thom the other night and realized I still have serious feelings for him. This last month has only made them stronger. At it really hurts me that he isn't interested in me. I mean, I should have seen the signs a long time ago, he never initiates contact with me--I always have to call or email him first. He doesn't hug me when we meet.

This has been the story of my life, really. I get guys who are drunks or married interested in me all the time. But when someone decent comes along, someone who has a shred of intelligence, there's this wall I can't breach.

It really feels like God's torturing me, putting something that I realize I really want n front of my face, only to give me "I'm not ready".

For the one time in my life when I desperately don't want to be alone, I find myself so alone in this dark world. What happened?

I mean, he's really nice and gorgeous to me. I don't really know what he meant by "I'm not ready right now". I have so many questions, and I want answers.

I'm telling my parents I'm a homo on Saturday. Suffice it to say, I've been looking for places to go when, in all likelihood, my dad throws me out of the house.

I just cried, seriously, for the first time in about 10 years. I think I'm falling for him, and it really hurts me so much that I keep falling for these guys who are so uninterested in me. What is it about me that rubs people the wrong way?

Distraught

2009-08-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm upset by many things right now in my life.

The first, an most painful, right now is the job situation. I've sent out tons of applications and I've heard nothing. Really discouraging not to get at least an interview. I'm trying to reach the stage in my life where I can spread my wings, and fate deigns that I work for $8.02 an hour (barely enough to pay rent, much less eat, drive, learn). I'm trying to find a job that pays health care, because my parents have this moral issue with me not having health care, and if something happened, they would pay for it. I'm going to apply for four or five more tomorrow, but I'm not expecting success by any standard.

The next problem is my never-ending personal problem. I hate it. That's enough to say, I think.

The next is that I've eaten a whole cheesecake in about 24 hours. I'm really sick to my stomach.

My brain is really reasserting itself. My financial situation combined with school starting allows my pragmatic side to strongly reassert, and whenever it asserts in one field (especially finances), it has the capability to control all of my faculties. It's doing so now.

I wish I had the will-power and sufficient self-loathing to commit to a total oath of celibacy. The thing is that there's this light and poofy part of me that hopes that my failures (like me) can be rectified. My only hope is that the pragmatic side crushes these childish hopes and dreams. I'm not worth loving. At least I'm decent enough to keep myself out of the picture, I figure. Imagine being in love with someone who cannot accept the fact that you love him. You can buy him whatever you want, you could give him the world, hell, you could die for him, and it wouldn't be enough, because he loathes himself so much that he rejects the love of other people.

I know myself better than anyone else, and if I don't think I'm worth it, why should anyone else?

I keep thinking about how little I do for others. I sit here, bitching and moaning, and there are people somewhere suffering for the good of others. I volunteer at the hospital, which alleviates the work load for the nurses, but I don't really get my hands dirty. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a mission trip of some kind. Not one where you go to El Salvador, build a basketball court, and leave; but one where a significant part of your life is spend in an area, and you sacrifice everything to give of yourself. If I could do that from March to August next year or something like that, I would love it. But, money is the great bitch again. How do I fly there? How do I sustain myself ?

Always burdensome.

I need a breakthrough somewhere. I sort of had one last night, since I had a dream in French (first time EVER, which means I am starting to make the connections necessary to think in French, and whilst writing this, I was doing a little bit of that thinking in French, [YAY, only 3 years, as opposed to the 10 it took for Spanish!]), but I need a profound breakthrough.

Contradictions

2009-08-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

In a lot of ways, I'm a walking contradiction. I suppose at some point in my life, I'm going to have to be okay with that.

So these last couple of weeks have been enlightening in a lot of ways for me. A lot of the questions I used to have are going away. The biggest one that I always had was "why". Why am I the way that I am? Why am I here even to begin with?

I'm reading a biography about St. Teresa of Avila, a woman whom I envy quite a bit, because of how much God chose to bless her. She received raptures that brought her in such closeness to God that it caused her physical pain, but at the same time spiritual ecstasy. Many of her contemporaries cautioned her due to the Inquisition, but she was outwardly blessed--God even levitated her. Her determination was always her first gift and coupled with her faith, she was unstopable.

Suffice it to say, my relationship with God is not so good as Teresa's. In fact, I'm angry, because I figure, if I was supposed ot be different from the social norms, it would have been nice to be asexual. That's really what I wanted. I don't, nor have I ever wanted to be straight, and to fit into the social mold. Which, fortunately, I don't. The problem is that I never wanted, and frankly, I still don't want, to be gay either. I wanted to never develop a sex drive towards ANYONE.

My reason for this was always so that I could do more work and not be distracted. The real reason was that I wanted to be better than other people. Being Catholic means that sex is inherently nasty, even in marriage, there's a certain level of incommunicability about sex because there's something that is seen to be wrong about it. I wanted to be asexual so I could lord it over other people, to show that I was intrinsically better than other people because I wasn't tainted by something so filthy.

(At this point, I should apologize for my brutal honesty).

As I was reading this book, in the midst of my envy for Teresa, I was struck by her humilty, and then it hit me. God made me gay not topunish me, but to bring me down to earth, to enhance, rather than to degrade my humanity. It was a profound realization for me.

I still don't like it, but I have to accept that it's the way it is.

I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person I'm supposed to be. My opinion of myself is still, as always, pretty low. I was talking to a gay friend of mine who wants to take me to gay clubs and such. I've never been to straight clubs, and we all have images, no doubt, thanks in part to things like Sex in the City of gay clubs being these STD breeding grounds. I said I was willing to go once, because the refusal to try anything that does not intrinsically cross moral boundaries is indicative of a closed mind. But anyways, inclusive in all of that, we side-tracked into why I'm so aloof.

There are multiple parts of it. The first is my continual drive to try to look better than other people. To lord over them my moral superiority (don't I look like a fucking jackass. It's true, I am. Ive got a one-way ticket to hell already stamped). Part of my goal is genuine goodness, because I have to be an example for my 10 yo sister.

But the contradiction is what comes up when there's no moral element involved. And I said what the truth is directly to him, which I almost never do face to face. I said that I'm not worth having fun. I'm not worth being loved, and I'm just not worth the energy.

I very profoundly believe this. I don't let people get me things because I dpn't want them to put money into a black hole. Many times when I go out with people, I pay for them, becasue I'm trying to genuinely be nice, but I will never let people reciprocate, even to the point of rudeness. Those people I met in Ireland who tried to pay for me (I eventually convinced them to let me pay the tip) even told me I was reaching the point of rude.

The only reason I work so hard on myself is because in the end, I see it as worthless. The reason I chose to reject God is because I didn't want his love for me. I still don't as I write this. Every measure he makes to try to show me happiness I toss back to stay in a pain that is so comfortable. He has already sent me two incredible men who could have amde a difference and I pushed it away. He's sent me opportunities, and I've pushed them because I might be happy.

I wish he would stop wasting his energy on me and give blessings to people who would take them. To those I know who could use his love and grace more than I, because of the challenges in their lives.

Probably the last big why question I have is why I hate myself so much. I mean, this is so deep seeded that I live only to spite myself. It's what keeps me going on and on and on, is the fact that death is just too easy and that the overwhelming difficulty of life is what I deserve.

I look at pictures of Brandon, and wonder why him and not me. He probably valued life, had great dreams, and wanted so much for the world, and I sit here wallowing.

I need to live on my own.

So fine, I'll post

2009-08-11T07:02:00.001-07:00

I don't have terribly long to post on here, particularly since I have a meeting at 10:30 at UCCS, and hopefully, after that, I can get registered for my history class.

These last two weeks have not been particularly easy for me. Dealing with rejection can be tough, but in the end, I'm actually happier that I've been rejected. There's always that feeling of reprieve you get when you no longer have to try. I may have something to say about relationships in general soon, but today isn't a good idea.

I came very close thrice in the last couple of weeks to come out to my parents, but in the end, I decided that it's not a smart idea so long as they have any kind of leverage against me. My mother would never use it, but my father is so homophobic that it's best not to leave him in any kind of position of power over me.

Speaking of which, that reign is starting to come to a close, hopefully. I've applied for a lot of jobs in the last few days that specifically have health insurance with them and that pay more than what I'm getting now. If I can get health insurance, that will be my biggest accomplishment.

My car insurance is still kind of ugly, because my car has about one year left of any reasonable value before I just switch to liability insurance. I am really tempted to go ahead and make that switch, but not yet.

I wish I could do more with my life than I have done with it. I'm really disappointed in my lack of making a real contribution. I've been dabbling with hagiography again, and I compare my life to those of these amazing people who lived and I can only look with despair at the comparison made to mine. It's hard to be able to volunteer though when one's schedule is in so much flux.

I get paid on Thursday night (thank God), but like the last 10 paychecks, the majority of it will be going on my credit card. I AM paying that bastard off this month, if it kills me. I'm so tired of carrying a balance it's no longer funny. Note to everyone, NEVER use a credit card for tuition. NEVER.

Money's a bitch.

Solitude

2009-07-31T19:01:00.000-07:00

I find it pretty weird that whenever I have solitude, I don't want it at all, but whenever I really want it, there is none to be had.

July's over yesterday, which brings an end to a tortuous month for me. Lots of ups and downs (mostly downs), but all in all, one with which I am not highly satisfied.

These last few days, like most in the last couple of months, have been really revelatory. I've learned a few things, and for once, I don't tend to think that they are over-exaggerations of my typical variety.

First, I belong in Ireland. I've alluded to it quite a bit, but everyone who reads this is pretty much facebook friends with me, and as soon as I post this, I'm going to post my defense on Ireland. Essentially, I'm a part of it, it of me. It's the one thing that brings light into my world and give me hope. The only hope I really have any more is that someday I can return to the one land that felt like home to me and to really live up to being Eireannach.

Second, I am in no way ready for a relationship. It's good that the man in whom I was interested sort of distanced himself long enough for me to get my head together. I am not financially stable in any means right now that suggests relationship material. Furthermore, I have too many goals: grad school, saving money, getting home--that prevent me from being emotionally committed. Emotional commitment is always going to be hard because I've spent so little energy emotionally committing to myself. Intellectually, I have, and it's enough for me, but intellectualism is a lonely comfort. It doesn't lend to being a good mate.

Suffice it to say, I'm a lot more hurt than I let on.

All in all, I'm sure God's work at torturing me is making his amusement. I mean, why the hell would this amazing guy come in my life, someone in whom I am totally interested, only to have it snatched away? It's been this way about almost everything--I get something I want, admission into graduate school or some good universities, and the 'little' things get in the way. I would give up a lot of my goals to have it, but it's hard to break through "no".

I've had a long experience of unrequited intentions, and it's sickening how many of them I've had. It doesn't matter how much I show I'm interested, I've never been able to phase people towards me. It's been an external validation of the fact that I don't think I matter.

I'm trying to break out of this cycle of self-hatred and despair, but it's hard whenever I try, my external circumstances make everything that much more difficult, and seemingly confirm that I just don't measure up.

I do have one area where I am about to claim victory. It's not a big one, but it's a victory that I'll take. Little battles help me a lot.

I had a difficult drive to work today.

I'm sorry I'm so spastic. My neat little world has become in too short a time messy and chaotic, and I have to spend a lot of time trying to fix it.

It sucks being so alone in this world. The only comforts I have really are my books and the insane amount of work I make myself do. It probably doesn't help that most of my nucleus of friends has moved away in the last four years. I only have a couple of people who actually live in COS who I meet at all.

If I could cry, I would.

My Blood Is Boiling

2009-07-26T16:12:00.001-07:00

This has been probably the worst weekend I've had in a few months. By far. Actually, we could probably limit it to the last day and a half. Friday wasn't too terrible. My morning wasn't too bad because I went bowling and scored a 165 in my first game, a feat I had never accomplished. I knocked four strikes and three spares in my first game, leaving only two pins up in my third frame, five up in my seventh frame, and six in my last frame. My second two were kinda sucky, only 95 and 72 respectively. I still have yet to buy my shoes, but I'll work on that. I won't go bowling again probably until Tuesday and then Thursday night.

Speaking of Thursday nights, that ship has decided not to set sail. I dunno, I suppose it could have been worse, but I think I jumped the gun on a lot of things. Neither one of us was really ready, so I guess it's back to same old same old me. That's okay, I could use the extra sixty-ish bucks a week. Plus, my unhappy dark side gets to win one more battle.

That probably triggered my bad weekend, was realizing I've been too emotionally involved without using my brain. I normally pride myself on the opposite response. When I'm normal, it's very difficult to gauge my emotions on any issue (well, perhaps except sweet tea, which causes all kinds of anger to boil), because I am so analytical that the only thing that really guides my decisions is logic and reason. It wasn't so much the rejection, as I've sort of gotten used to it, such that I'm like a dog on my back. It sucks to be rejected so much, but I've learned that rejection is kind of the bedmate that I've never really seen was always there.

That made my work shift that night difficult, as I couldn't talk well to customers. I also had a hard time focusing on my homeland defense paper I was trying to finish (and finally did), and it was really hard for me to work on Greek for some reason. Greek and Latin normally are my really easy languages to work on, because you sort of live in your own world, as it's not a language with which one uses for communication.

Last night, I could not fall asleep, so I did what I frequently do, which is to go through all the things I have and ask myself "do I really need/want this?" and normally I get rid of about 10% of what I have each time I go through one of those. I've realized too that I do it because I figure if I clean up my messy environment, I might be able to clean up my messy mind.

So today comes around and it's the first Sunday in about two months that I have the morning off (more on that later), but anyways, I make the effort to go to church, and I normally have always stood in the back, because I thought I wanted to avoid being next to other people for health reasons. When I was there today, I really felt that the reason I wanted to stand in the back was because I knew I didn't belong with those people, I was an outsider, some kind of contagion to the pristine world order. What's odd is that these last couple of months have brought me back to a lot of the saints and the Virgin (I'm still having a hard time with the big man, especially considering his UTTER lack of humanity and the ability to empathize with what I'm going through---plus I think he's delibrately torturing me). I mean, I really want to embrace the old-fashioned traditional Catholicism in hippy-Jesusville. I don't partake of sacraments for multiple reasons (I don't think that select males should have the right to have control of divine intervention with man, and frankly, I don't think I should receive them as a part of my life's goal of self-loathing).

I don't belong in that other place either. I'm not a part of the rainbow coalition. I really have no interest in being a part of the 'gay community', since pretty much all of them are just a bunch of bitching fags (says the fag bitching on this blog...) who want to go to Wicked and sing in a choir and then have meaningless sex. Then we go for drinks (fruity girly drinks, not an actual beer) and shoe for designer clothes while we forget that while we're doing all of that there are people for whom some good can be done. Those are people who are comfortable with whom they are, and I'm not that. I always knew I was different, and it was something I took pride in. As 14 and 15 rolled around, there was literally no development, and I thought "finally, here's why, I'm different from EVERYONE" I really liked the idea of being asexual because it made me less human. It made me less vulnerable.

16 was kind of a turning point for me, and I hated it. Suppression was possible thanks to IB and the sheer volume of what I had to do. It's a huge part of the reason why I decided to take 28 hours a semester, because between that and working, you can go ahead and say that you are asexual because you have literally no energy to contribute towards even THINKING about anything else. I miss those times.

But anyways, pretty much everyone who knows has been going and saying "I know this gay person or these lesbians or whatever" and then they go "you should meet". Ok. This actually is really irritating. I mean, I know single moms. Should I have them meet and 'support' each other because they're single moms? no. Should I introduce two seperate friends together because they're black? How about if you're both girls? Vaginas unite! By the way, I know three girls whose names are some spelling variation of Christina (Kristina, Cristina, whatever). Maybe I should introduce all of them to each other because it's so different having the name Christina.

The fact of the matter is that I don't care how many gay friends any of my friends have, I don't want to meet them. I don't really care. You can be friends with Elton John all you want, I don't really want to meet him just because he's gay. I don't need a fag support group. I don't need gay counseling. I don't go to pride parades because I don't think there's any reason to be proud of being gay. You should be proud because of the actions that you do and the constructiveness of your moral character, not which hole you prefer to fuck (or have fucked). I can proudly say that I'm not proud of being gay. Quite the opposite, really, because it's detracted so much from a very possibly productive life and a better lived one.

Basically, please don't sick gay friends on me. I have enough fags (me) in my life as it is.

Anyways, getting back to my sucky weekend, I drive to work today in the pouring rain, Union is TOTALLY flooded. I get there at 2:45, for my 3:30-8:30 shift. Turns out I was supposed to be there at 8 AM today. Fortunately, they didn't hate me too much, and they understood that I thought I was supposed to be there at 3:30. Consdiering I drove 25 miles in driving rain for no reason, they forgave me.

The only really good thing that has happened is that I've finished my homeland defense final, and it looks like I'm going to get around a 96% on it, which makes up for my disaster of a test last time, and which also means that I only need like a 75% on my paper to get an A. I've had two papers with grades less than that in my LIFE, once in 11th grade and once in 7th grade. I don't think there's much concern here.

Tomorrow my family and I are riding a train in Leadville (not my first idea of fun on my only day off this week....), and then Tuesday=HUGE finish day as I finish accounting forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, I intend (ev vw exw==closest thing to Greek I can do) to get as close to done on Cicero and my Greek for the month as possible while finishing my application for my second job. I'm really going to need my two days of total solitude next week.

Back to Banality

2009-07-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to have a boring blog, so Kaleena, feel free to skim. I'll make a point to mention juicy details at the top of each blog, and highlight or italicize important sections to facilitate skimming (don't feel bad, the first time I see a new post, I skim too. It's only after certain individuals don't post after a few days [ahem, to everyone, really] that the accumulated skimming results in an actual read of a column).

Actually, everyone could pretty much skip this section completely, because it's going to be a list of basically total boredom about my incessant need to punish my brain by pounding it with high levels of intellectual stress to cope with the seeming emptiness of that which is my life.

If you would rather spend the next minutes enjoying yourselves, please select one of the following links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rFU1Y7zuyw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwBQC728v5s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGrjJ-9KwIY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCUebdSbBlU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJKChK8ZTM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AohSzvBr4cA&feature=related

Any and all of those (from my favorite show on the toob now, So You Think You Can Dance) would probably be better than anything I have to offer in these few words ahead. Plus, as many other addicts I can get to the cause will be WORTH it. By the way, I would totally give a leg to be able to dance like that, except I only have two, and it's hard to dance with only one leg...

First of all, I must say that Latin music totally makes my life better. I coul see myself someday sitting in some smoke-filled and run down cafe in San Jose or Havana (die already Castros) downing a local cerveza, listening to the rhythms flowing through me, and watching the young lovers dancing the night away. (Yes, I have been thinking about going to these two cities too much recently). I really badly want to go to Cuba for some reason. There's some mystique of tha old 1950s Havana that I think I'd be looking for, when for it I probably should be going to Miami instead.

I am so glad that I really invested the time in my life to learn Spanish, because it's one of those few real languages out there. A lot of language is stuffy and uppety. I take a LOT of pride in speaking Latin American Spanish and never learned the style of the Spanish of Spain. Spaniards are the uppety assholes who look down on the American speakers of Spanish (I'm speaking pan-American, not just US) because their style is corrupted by local dialects and has become the langauge of the "low-worker". Many Spaniards who come over to the Americas lose that VERY quickly, and it's because Hispanics are real people. When I get the chance to speak in Spanish to Latinos (especially those who speak almost no English), it's really great.

Speaking of Spanish, I'm all reviewed for July. I bought this grammar book to review grammatical rules (I don't really need the structures, I can still remember that If only I could...blah is translated as pudiera, but I really could use the help remembering when to use those structures). Once I finish it, I have two books in Spanish to knock off, one by the great Paolo Coehlo (he's Brazilian, I can't spell his name...I don't speak that language yet), the other is DonQuixote. I plan on getting a couple of Marquez books in Spanish, although I own most of them in English already (except Chronicle of a Death Foretold, the ONLY book I liked reading in English class....ironically...).

I'm also reviewed in Latin through this month already, as my aim was to get back to first semester proficiency, so next I get to push into my second semester of Latin. I'm starting to pick up on a lot of the ancient things (reading Cicero right now), so I'm hoping that I'll be able to read some Latin.

Of course, I've sacrificed a bit of my other langauge training, as I haven't really cared about French, Italian, or Greek for the last several days. I only have like 2 chapters to go in French until I reach my goal for the month. I have to go over negatives (totally a pain in French, Spanish and English win on this front) and then prepositional and colloquial phrases. My aim was to finish my Italian book, but I see I need a LOT of review on the semester and a half's worth that I've already finished. It's kind of cool because in one month I learned present, past, imperfect, and imperative verb forms in Italian, and I think I know already how future works. If I study a LOT of vocabulary and grammar over the next 6 months, I'll probably be fluent in Italian. Greek on the other hand, I need four more chapters before I reach my month's goal. I think I can hit it, especially since it's currently review for me. I know I have to go over the present progressive participle...

Having finished a couple of my goals for the month, I can spend the extra time finishing accounting and homeland defense. I'm going to start writing my final paper tonight for homeland. Then next week, I have two finals to take, and I'll be done with summer classes. Fall is somewhat simplified as I decided instead of jumping into the Slavic language family, I should knock off the rest of the major Romance languages---Portuguese, Romanian, and Catalan---first, and establish myself in the Germanic langauges better than I have (REVIEW GERMAN), and really try to learn my Celtic ones. On top of all of that, I am entering my first non-Indo-European language (Arabic) in August. I'm really going to have to get used to a whole new langauge structure and family, however, once I adapt, I might be able to hop into something like Hebrew.

Basically, this is how I see my future language development by the end of 2010:

Fluent: English, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese (Five Stars)
Competent: German, Greek, Latin (Four Stars)
Conversant: Arabic (Three Stars)
Intermediate: Gaelic, Romanian (Two Stars)
Beginner: Catalan, Dutch (One Star)

I actually may already be near that one star in Catalan, because I can translate most of it if I read it.

Ok, so my life is boring, deal with it.

At least I'm going bowling today before work.

What is this? Blogging twice in a week??

2009-07-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, I must admit that it is time to write another blog, in part to discuss the banality of my life for my long-term historical preservation records, but also to discuss further developments in my aim for recovery.

I suppose banality is a good place to start. My summer classes are such a drain that it's not even funny. I still have two big assignments in homeland defense over the next two weeks. My last test was tragic. I got an 81%, however my other tests have left me at an A. I still have to write a term paper on food contamination and to take the final exam, which will probably be next Monday, mainly because I'm off then.

Accounting is so close to done it's not even funny. I'll probably get a B, but that's because I just don't effing care. The class is stupid. I have to do one more discussion and then I have to take the final exam (released on Tuesday), and I'll be done.

Work is much the same, work 5-8 hours at a time and conduct the same routines each day. I must say that my language skills have advanced considerably. By the end of August, I'll be at 5th semester level French, I'll have reviewed Spanish completely, I'll be through 2 semesters of Italian grammar (I need to boost vocabulary a LOT---I only know about 300 Italian words), and I'll have reviewed one semester's worth of Latin and Greek.

At that point, I'll be starting Arabic, so Spanish will probably have to go for a while. I decided not to take Russian right now because I don't really have $1000 to do it. I'm really considering not taking the second semester of medical terminology, but I could just push really hard over two weeks and just finish it.

My money situation is improving quite a bit. My savings has recovered to about $600 from its low last month of $45, and my credit card debt is down to 1078. I've got about 70 dollars in change that I want to put towards my travel fund but it would be wiser to augment either situation. The thing is when money sits around in change, I DON'T SPEND IT. So I normally don't like putting it into the bank until it's at $100, por lo menos.

I'm still looking around for a second job, even if it only pays like $50 extra a week. Any COS natives that have ideas could forward them to me...

I'm also trying to sell a few books, but have had no replies. If nothing comes up over the next week, I'm going to take the massive hit at UCCS selling these books, but the $20 or so is better than staring at the books sitting on my shelves never used.

I have to work tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday, but fortunately, I have nights this weekend, so my Fri-Sun mornings are off. I'm going to take this opportunity to use one morning for a much needed zoo trip with someone special--quickly followed by Panera.

The problem is that I jsut heard my sister is going to be going to the zoo on Saturday at 10. The LAST thing I need is to be there and she goes "Who is that you're here with?", only to promptly come home the next day and tell mom and dad "I saw Ray at the zoo!" I can only imagine how much worse it could get. I suppose I'll hope much for Friday, if that fails, then Sunday. If all options fail, date suggestions for mornings are highly appreciated.

Speaking in further detail on this, I have clearly been smitten, and it's been noticed in certain circles, namely my other sister, with whom I have been totally honest in this whole process. I want them to sort of act as a balance to my emotions. Most people tell me to ignore the whole rational thing, but I can't just ignore that side, and so she's the one most likely to tell me the extent of what I need to hear. Her suggestion though is that we all go alligator wrestling or hike a 14,000 foot mountain together. I was thinking something along the lines of coffee or lunch one day...not putting our lives in danger as a bonding thing.

So, I also have decided to be honest with my fabulous readers (all 5 of them, maybe, and at least 2 already know everything), I still require discretion, because the response of my parents is still a vital factor. Basically, the reason I have been very vague on my blogs about all of this and the reason my parents would be disapproving is that I'm sort-of (still not official yet, dammit) dating a guy...

Yes, the rhyming pattern does apply, I am interested in people who look more like me than not anatomically. It's not a shock, I don't think really, but it's been a huge contributing factor to my whole life as a problem situation, because I always looked at it like some kind of tortuous curse that the fates decided to inflict upon me for their sick twisted purposes. I kind of figured that since the rest of the universe hated people like me, why shouldn't I? I went through all kinds of hell because I think other people knew who I was before I did, and they treated me negatively for it.

He told me that people like us either fall into the world of addiction to escape, or we overwork ourselves to the point of exhaustion so that we can create our little perfect world where being gay doesn't matter, because you have literally worked it out of yourself. Either way's really false.

I mentioned that I've had a big breakthrough, in part because I've really actually accepted this. At first, I was sort of all, ok, let's make sure...collection of data is the foundation of experimental analysis. But I'm sort of pulled in hook, line ,and sinker. I am so happy when I'm around him, it's not even funny. Well, it is, because I thought I would be the last person in the world to feel this way.

I used to ask God, "why did you do this to me?" in a tone that was sort of angry, sort of perilous, and sort of defeated. But recently, I've been asking "what did I ever do that could ever make up for being around this wonderful person?" I've been a bit more active in my creencias ever since I've rekindled this. I'm obviously still conflicted between my general support of a more Catholic theology and moral view and the fact that I don't like the priesthood very much and that I feel really excluded. He's someone who challenges me on an intellectual level (rarely accomplished before because of my breadth of knowledge) and on a level of being a better person. And he himself is fundamentally good, which is all I really want.

I know we've only sort of gone out for a little over a month, but I actually had a crush on him about a year ago, and I ran away because I was afraid of letting the beast out of its box. I'm effing glad I learned my lesson.

The reason I've been listening to "Isn't Life Strange" over and over is because that's the route my life has been taking.

My parents' reactions when they hear/know are going to be divergent. My mom has told me she doesn't care who I am or who I'm with so long as I'm a good person with someone who treats me right. She'll probably be upset that I've been lying to her, but after a couple of weeks, she'll be totally ok with it. She's not yet on the ok with same-sex marriages bandwagon, but I think afterwards, she will be.

I wouldn't mind telling her, but that would require her lying to my dad, which is a position in which I don't want to put her. It's not fair to ask one parent to lie to the other.

My dad though is going to be a HUGE problem. I am already a disappointment to my dad on a lot of levels; not going into the military (first Schultz in like 4 generations not to), I didn't get into a good graduate school, I've sort of messed up my college experience, I'm not laden with cash, etc. His number one moral topic of preaching is about gay people, how they shouldn't breed, get married, or really be allowed to be together in public. He's basically really homophobic. I know he would stop talking to me for a while, and he would never go to a wedding of mine or even meet with a bf. It'll be tough to say the least. But it's ok, I'm already a disappointment to him, so he'll just be even more-so. It's not like I will be treated that differently.

No wine this time

2009-07-19T20:12:00.001-07:00

So, I have mentioned it on my facebook, but I have reverse SAD. I get depressed when the weather turns to summer, and it really has only started being summer for the last two or three weeks in Colorado, and I have about three more weeks to go before I adapt completely.

I got my sign. Actually, probably about ten or twenty of them. I dunno, folks. That whole austere and controlled and isolated me is starting to lose its grip. I'm definitely exposed, and that dark figure, I've really learned is me. Part of me can feel the walls being bulldozed around me, and when I anticipated on the assault coming like a ton of bricks, the way it has turned out is that there are more cracks in my foundation than the guard who keeps me in can fill. For the first time, I've been able to be honest, and just that little bit has exposed a lot of false intentions about me. I'm actually almost ok with being totally honest (there are still the issues involving parents. I know that one would not approve of anything I'm doing here, the other is somewhat circumspect. Fortunately, I have a sister who will basically whoop ass), and if asked, I have no problem saying anything at all anymore.

But here's the thing. I'm starting to get the little fluttery feelings and because of them, I'm really starting to want to tear down all of these walls. I know I'm weakened by pain and of my failed expectations in myself, but that weakness is going to get me through. It will be my strength, my iron rod to which I have alluded so many times that will rebuild me...not my walls...stronger than before.

I'm excited in a way I have never been, which is both scary and exciting. Here's the worse sign: I'm starting to compose verses in my head. Anyone who knows me really well knows that when I start writing my verses, I'm serious. I've got this conglomeration of French, Spanish, and English floating around that I have to sort and make the best that I can. I know I've got one that's really big for me...but it's in French. So I'll render some kind of translation. Accentuation sucks on blogger, so don't go about fixing my French grammar!

Quand je vois dans tes yeux
Je vois la liberte du ciel et
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est voler dans ceux comme un oiseau

Quand je suis dans tes bras
Je me sens un monde sans peur
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est etre dans ceux par tout ma vie.

Quand j'entend la melodie de ta voix
J'entend a la musique d'un dieu
Lequel que je veux seulment
C'est que mon anime danse et sourisse

Quand je suis avec toi
Je suis tant heureux
Et tout que je savais
C'est que je veux etre avec toi.

It sounds a LOT better in French, but for you Anglophiles out there, here's something of what it is in English:

When I look in your eyes
I see the freedom of the skies
The only thing I want
Is to fly in them like a bird

When I am in your arms
I feel a world without fear
The only thing I want
Is to be in them for my life (this line is a bad translation...)

When I hear the melody of your voice
I hear the music of a god
The only thing I want
Is for my soul to dance and to smile

When I am with you
I am so happy
And all I know
Is that I want to be with you.

Yeah...

I'm just waiting on those walls to fall...

Wine+blogging Round 3

2009-07-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I had a rather large glass of white wine about two hours ago, and it's still pounding away in my head. So my post will be slightly more honest than many are used to with you, and on the other hand, it's going to be incredibly spastic.

My life is in total flux right now, among trying to pick grad schol programs, figuring myself out, trying to deal with this 'possible' relationship situation, working, paying off bills, figuring out why I don't sleep well at night, and just balancing.

I suppose I'll take each topic at a time.

Grad school: I am totally uncertain here. Part of me thinks "science", n large part because it involves a lot of money, a secure job, and a chance to do something constructive. Another part thinks "history" because I love it, ditto for langauges. Basically, I'm fielding between PhD and MA in the following fields: History, European History, Epidemiology, Public Health, Hazardous Microbes and Emerging Diseases+National Bioterrorism Defense, Spanish, French, and Teaching English as a Second Language. Suffice it to say, options 1 and my last one are actually the ones most appealing to me. I mean, learning French and Spanish (in both of which I am rapidly approaching fluency), has been a big help to the TESL option, and starting Arabic and Russian thsi year would make me more marketable. History I have discussed thoroughly, and I don't see why I cannot do both.

Me: I'll save this for last.

Relationship: Some of you are a little more aware than others of my situation (discretion still appreciated!!!). This is largely due to facebook, but any readers who are unaware of details may ask there. But basically, I've set things up for the last month on my own. I've done three dinners and flowers (not at a miniscule cost either...I had to find lavendar [how??]), and I'm thinking about another one on Friday to the zoo, which would fortunately cost me nothing, and then something simple like Panera afterwards. There are a couple of things that bother me. Despite all of these signals, and a pretty explicit reference towards a sort of 'official' deal, it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. I mean, I've basically initiated all contact (I've only been called once, and that was to thank me for sending flowers), I've arranged everything thus far. I'm starting to think that this was a failed effort on my part. I get the feeling that I'm jumping to conclusions very early, like I frequently do, which is why I intend on at least continuing through the first week in August. At this point, it'll basically be a month and a half, and I'm going to need some kind of sign by then, otherwise, I'm wasting a lot of time here trying to find something that isn't there. Considering that this is the first time I've been even really interested in forming one, I think a large amount it is due to me (see below), and the rest due to my inexperience.

Working: I work 40 hours a week near a bunch of bitchy people, and by Sunday night, I am totally drained. I am still committed to finishing these last three months, but then what?

Bills: I still have about $1400 in credit card debt. About half of that will be cut in the rest of this month, but I am really tired of seeing such a large number NOT changing. By the time I pay it off, I'm going to have to consider tuition for fall.

I cannot sleep. I get maybe 4 or 5 hours a night when I aim for 9-10. I'm so tired it's not funny.

Me. I'm the problem in all of this, and it's simple why. I actually cannot stand myself. I'm not sure if I would say an active loathing, but it's pretty close. When I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with the image I see, and nor am I happy with the actual person I see there. I feel a LOT of anger, a lot of pain, and at least some level of hate. If I could, I'd like to grab him in the neck and strangle him so I can see him in physical, instead of emotional pain.

My self-esteem is based on totally unrealistic expectations, because NOTHING is ever enough. I'm unsatisfied with everything, which can be productive, but for me, it's a burden that never ends. Nothing I do is satisfactory, and I project it onto others at times. I'm constantly suspicious of other people, even my own family. My relationships are seriously damaged by who I am. It's true that they say when you don't love yourself, you cannot ever really accept that anything else does. On a conscious level, I can rationally equate actions and statements with evidence, but underneath that is this dark thing that quashes reason, and insists that I'm someone not worth loving. Thanks to it, I actively reject love. I drive myself into as much solitude as possible, to guarantee my emotional loneliness all of my days, until at last I slip into oblivion.

Ironically, it's very easy to give it. The inclination, rejected by myself, looks outward. I should be totally cynical (I am VERY cynical ,but not totally), but I so desperately need my affections to be accepted by someone to realize that my life is not totally meaningless. I can give love away like CRAZY, which is part of the reason why I'm oddly quite compassionate. I really do want other people to be happy, because I don't want others to fall as low as I have. If I can take my suffering and self-loathing and convert it into better lives for other people and to give them some level of happiness, I can somehow justify my being. But I'm losing my faith in my ability to survive through my trials. I not all suicidal or anything (been there done that already, not interested), because I think that my own torture is stronger by making myself live as painful and as long a life as possible, filled with rejection, both from within and from outside myself. Some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going.

It's the reason that I want my life to totally end when I die. I don't want an afterlife, because while I can tolerate this for my mortal life, going on like this without cessation is unimaginable. I would prefer to just disperse and to stop being. Many times, I wish that the child that my mom was supposed to have before me lived and I was the miscarried child. There never would have been a me, and I would not have ever had this pain that I constantly carry with me.

The really sad thing is that there really is no way to break this addiction, because every attempt to change me only results in an affirmation of my original affirmation.

With respect to my relationship issues, I consciously realize that I should not put this other person in the situation that would happen if it solidifies. I would worship and move heaven and earth just to give a smidgen of happiness, but I would never really be able to accept that fac that I might be loved too. It's not fair to do that to someone. Could you imagine being married to someone who never thought that you loved him (all my readers are girls, methinks...)? It's not right to hurt someone like that, which is why I'm so hesitant, and why I think I need to stop my emotions and my attractions NOW, before I do start hearing back. I need to draw the line and say honestly why it can't really work, and that I would like to maintain friendship, because it doesn't involve the same levels of deep, intense love that might complicate my situation any further. Friendship tends towards conditionality, and conditionality is that under which I have lived.

Now that you are all thoroughly depressed...

2009-06-30T22:40:00.001-07:00

Guess what? Ray's got a second date!!!!

General advice

2009-06-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I'm trying to come up with a list of things I should purchase in the next year to facilitate my moving out process. These are things that I have now that are already in my possession:

1. Bed with headboard, 3 sets of sheets, 3 quilts
2. Two bookcases
3. 1 set of drawers
4. Full set of cookware, full 4x set of dishes
5. Desk

Things I know I need:

1. Other general kitchenware (silverware, cutting utensils, baking set, measuring equipment, etc.)
2. Some kind of table/chairs for eating
3. Perhaps some kind of chair for sitting
4. Lighting fixtures (i.e. lamps)
5. COFFEE MAKER

What other things would you recommend me try to purchase within the next months (as I pay off my credit card and build my savings back to at least $2000....) that I could use long-term for sole living? Aside from a set of testicles, which I am always lacking...

La moitie

2009-06-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

I say that because I'm at a lot of halfway points right now. Par example, I just finished one half of my accounting course tonight, although I only got a 90% on my test, it feels good to be approaching some kind of finality to that course. I don't like it, and if I could drop and recover any of my money, I would, but at this point, I'm committed.

I'm also trying to sell off a few of my things that I don't want anymore like Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives seasons that I don't really care to see any longer. I'm hoping that I can use those proceeds to offset some of my debts. I've always ahd the policy of donating things if I don't think that I could sell them, but if I can, then I'm totally going to try. If anyone is interested, I'm selling seasons 1-3 of Grey's for $45 and 1 and 3 of DH for $35.

Other than that, I'm trying to survive my ridiculous number of work hours and aiming on keeping one of my original New Year's resolutions, which is to read all of the books I have before I go out and buy more. I've probably got about 15,000 pages to read, which will make my goal difficult, but my aim right now is a book a week. I think that's pretty reasonable.

Not much more to say right now...perhaps more later?

W.O.W.

2009-06-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, the brain just lost a huge battle. In fact, this kind of loss is the kind that loses wars. In fact, I hope the brain loses or at least comes over to our side, because this is wow.

I should always remember Fanny's advice: beware of swoons.

It's kind of late. I swooned.

I can't describe it, but suffice it to say that there was definitely some chemistry. By some, I mean a lot.

ugh, I can't think of what to say, if you have questions, ask! I'll send messages on facebook.

Let's just say that if it wasn't for my parents not knowing about this, I would be totally open.

Crap

2009-06-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

Shit people, I'm nervous. Send good wishes!

Guess what?

2009-06-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

So, guess what, peeps.

Ray's got a hot date!!!!

Ugh, I was nervous. But I prayed a quick Ave Maria, which is like my life line, and called. I was smooth (now I'm cocky, but hey, I got a yes on try #1). I was direct, and I was all, yeah. Pretty good.

So basically what happened was as soon as I hear "Hello?" I'm all "hey, how's it going?"
"doing good, how bout you?" "Not too bad, hey, I was calling to know if you would be interested in going to dinner with me some time next week". I did not lead in. I came out swinging. Probably not tactful, but it got a yes. I then assured that there were no moral food oppositions (Im morally opposed to sweet tea, for example). After clearing up all places that served sweet tea and chicken in a biscuit, I implied it was a surprise wher we'd go. I'm picking up too...in my 2000 Ford Taurus. Which I am going to have to clean, which will instantly arouse my parents' suspicions. I haven't cleaned my car in like 18 months (it's not nasty or anything), and when they see me doing it, they're going to be all "ok, what's the deal?". But, the good thing is that I need an oil change on Monday, so I can justify cleaning it for the oil people.

It's this Thursday (I work all weekend versus conflicting interests in Mon-Wed), 6PM. I've got reservations made already (I'm totally NOT telling anyone. No lookey loos.).

Now, I need some more help. I know I should just be assertive and confident, but like I said, I don't want to be too over the top.

Question 1:
This is what I have in mind for clothes: a black button up long sleeve shirt, dark khaki pants, and brown shoes (not tennis, obviously). Is this the right amount for a west-side restaurant? I don't want to look too dressy, but not too casual.

Question 2:
Obligations. Am I obligated to bring some kind of gift on date one? I know flowers is pretty traditional, but I am not a big fan of giving something like a rose. Life is not the Bachelor. No matter how much I may want 25 total strangers cat-fighting for me, I am not, in fact, that amazing. I quite like alstromerias, so I thought it would be something different. IDEAS?

Question 3:
Time. What is the appropriate length of time for a first date. I am thinking 2 hours?

Question 4:
Appropriate level of contact. I'm a bit of a puritan, so trust me, there will be absolutely no lip contact of any kind. I know a lot of people expect that on a first date nowadays, but I am old-fashioned. What is an appropriate level of contact that demonstrates interest, but doesn't cross puritanical lines? (Contingent of course on chemistry).

Question 5:
What are two questions that you would NEVER ask, and what are two you think I should definitely ask?

Question 6:
Am I totally bollocks insane?

By the way, I would totally gloat, but we're facebook friends, so I have to keep hush-hush on this one....

2009-06-19T17:21:00.001-07:00

Shit, people. I'm gonna do it....

Seriously?

2009-06-17T21:28:00.001-07:00

So, I suppose it happens to the best of us. It had to happen to me at some point. Just had to. I think about Shania in times like this. Not the whole fucktard bastard cheating on you deal, but the whole "I'm a successful, (mostly) independent, guy who suddenly gets hit by this bus"

My bus is obviously figurative.

Ray's gotten hit by the love bug, methinks.

Here's the thing. My brain--totally losing the war this time. I mean, every other time that I've had any kind of interest in someone, the brain has shut it down in short order. I mean, sure, the interest remained for a while, but the brain really killed any chance of anything happening.

For once, though, my brain is totally and completely outmanned and outgunned. It might last for a few more days, at best. But really, it's going to lose. In fact, the brain was successful with this same certain someone (No names yet...there are readers who may know about whom I am talking, so I can't take any chances yet...) last year. But the brain failed to extinguish. It lost a couple of battles, but it looks like it's going to lose the war.

That's really scary for me. I've never seriously considered acting on these impulses, and when you're 16, it's supposed to be awkward. At 22 (ish), you're supposed to be more refined. But me? Not really. I've got the jittery school-boy nerves. I've got that whole "I'm absolutely terrified of rejection" thing.

So, dear friends, I need some advice. And for a change, I'm going to be explicit.

So, basic details: yes, we have conversed on multiple occasions both via internet and in person. No, I have not managed to scare off anyone yet (ALWAYS a plus with me). No, I absolutely refuse to do dinner and a movie, because you don't even talk or look at each other for 90 minutes, por lo menos.

Ok, so, here are the tfour questions to which I NEED answers ASAP:

1. How do I do the whole asking out thing? (i.e., do I make it clear that I want this to be a date, or do I go with the whole "hey, do you want to go hang out here" thing?)

2. What would be the ideal first date locale/theme (correct word?)?

3. FASHION ADVICE: How do I do my hair, clothes, etc. so that I look impressive, but not over-the-top? I want to look competitive, not disinterested, but I don't want to look creepy either.

4. Or should I just give up now?

Dammit

2009-06-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. DAMMIT.

Let's keep track of the war in my mind over the last month between my brain and my emotions.

Life before May: Brain 300 versus Emotions 4

During May: Emotions 3, Brain 3.

June: Emotions 3, Brain 1.

Tonight: Emotions 5, Brain 0.

How?

God, I could use someone to talk to right now......

Arugh

2009-06-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

I hate being this torn. I mean, I've learned to be ok with the status quo, I suppose, but where I go from there is very difficult. I mean, there are critical decisions to be made, and basically, my entire future lays in the balance. I have been longing so much for asceticism in these last weeks, I am desperate to have some form of solitude.

I'm starting to accept my life's solitude more than I had been recently. In part, this is because my brain has started to reassert itself more forcefully against the rising heart. But in large measure too, I can consciously understand that I really am not worth the trouble of going through the whole dating-emotional involvement/commitment-marriage thing. I don't say that because I am incapable of loving someone. In fact, I am quite sure that there's someone out there for whom I would give everything. The problem is that I can't accept that other people care at all for me. I know that sounds bizarre, but I really can't. If that someone was to come into my life and profess an undying love for me, I wouldn't believe it.

It would be unfair to that person too, to invest that much energy and emotion into me, and I couldn't even acknowledge it.

So, I have to carry on alone as I always have, fully aware that I fully lack the necessary preparations to ever consider that part of my life. I must find alternative options.

For many, I understand this means friendships, but for me, they are difficult. I am so socially awkward that it is hard for me to maintain many conversations. I can easily engage in philosophical, religious, political, social, or historical debates, but when it talks about daily personal things, it's very difficult. I am so intensely private, that even my family hardly really knows me.

So I've thrown myself into a lifetime of accomplishment seeking and work. I've sort of based my self worth on accolades, and I haven't had any really in months. There's no self-validation in the work that I do.

Exterior demonstrations of emotional and mental strength are a good cover for how vulnerable I really am.

2009-06-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

Y éso es como lo será. No tengo ningún derecho de quejar. De verdad, tuve mucha suerte oír algo, pero si lo va a pasar otra vez es otro cuento. Tengo muchas dudas. No sé por que, cuando la evidencia apoya la suposición que vaya a hablar conmigo. Temo que cuepe esas emociones y les permitan quedarse fuertes cuando en realidad, me van a destruir.

Estoy esperando una solución, y no tengo dudas que estos días decidirán mi vida. En una manera, espero que no oiga nada, porque si ésto pasara, no tendré que pensar en mi situación otra vez. Solamente tendré que trabajar como o siempre he hecho. No es tan dificil creer que viviré solo por toda mi vida. Después de lo que ha pasado en este año, puedo envisionar un cambio al hombre que era en el pasado. Prefiero que no sea como así. Me gusta preocupar sobre las pocas cosas de vida: el dinero, el trabajo, aprender las cosas en que amo.

En la otra mano, hay posibilidades de ser diferente, de encontrar una vida en que nunca he imaginado. Temo mucho las posibilidades. Siempre he vivido en una manera comoda y simple. La única cosa que ese curso sirviría es complicar todo.

Tal vez debo esperar por un poco tiempo. Es normal que imprendo hacer cualquier cosa como un toro, pero esos tiempos requieren caución. En la guerra de mi vida, tengo que recordarme que un disastre pueda destruirme. Y ahora, empiezo el periódo de esperar. Esperar para ti. Si hace falta, puedo sobrevivir por siempre. Si me hablas, no sé nada de nada.

Lo que duele más es que sé que existes en un parte del mundo y no estoy contigo ahora. Sé que tenía la oportunidad, pero era más joven, más estupido que soy ahora. El tiempo que tenemos es limitido. Mi cuerpo sufre sin tu abrazo.

Pero sufrimiento es todo por cual he vivido, porque odio lo que soy. Soy sin poder aquí, y los dioses han decidido jugar con mi vida, como fuera jugete, y cuando terminen su satisfación con mi sufrimiento, me van a tirar.

¿No leiste lo que escribí? Fracaso en frente de ti, y el sangre de mis venos es toda que pertenece a mi alma y a mi vida. Si la sociedad muriese, estaría en tus brazos ahora....si miedo muriese, te amaría.

Oh, Alice, Alice, there's juice loose about this hoose.

2009-06-08T08:42:00.001-07:00

Ok, so it sounds a lot funnier when Dawn French says it than when I write it.

Wow, how many things have changed in the last couple of days. I'm desperately trying to embrace this on one side, and fight against it, like I always have, on the other. It's hard to know when I wake up each morning what life has in store for me.

Sometimes I think I'd love to rewind about 5 years or so and make so many changes in my life and that of others. I mean, one obvious thing that I would change is Brandon driving home when he had been smash drunk. After seeing what his family went through, if I could change one thing, it would probably be that.

What's so ironic is that event was so cataclysmic in my life. I mean, I never knew Brandon, but the fact that he died changed so much. It's hard to imagine where I would be now. I certainly would be much less compassionate than I am, and I would value life in general much less.

But there's so much that, given the experiences that I've had, I wouldn't imagine repeating. I probably would have started by lobbing off my testicles at 16...I make WAY too much testosterone. It makes me terribly aggressive and probably agitates all of my emotions. Not to mention the ape legs that I have. I swear, I look like a fucking gorilla or something. Reason I never wear shorts: zookeepers would chase me down.

I would have maintained much better control of my emotions to start out. That was a HUGE failing of mine in high school, and for a while in college, I was pretty successful at keeping how I felt under tight wraps. The last few months have not been so good for that though. Probably due to a lack of work.

I would have stayed more committed to what I was doing. I mean, I gave up on Latin after one semester, I've changed my career path how many times? I've failed pretty miserably at maintaining my friendships.

I would have been less inhibited by fear. For example, I probably would have sung more than I do now. I'm actually pretty decent at it. [By the way, last Thursday I had enough beer in me to get me to do karaoke. One of my friends took a video of it, so if you find me singing You Make Loving Fun...I was slightly liquored]. There are some things worth being afraid of, but about 90% of the things I preoccupy over are just not worth it.

I think I'm starting to get perspective in life. I don't have to be earth-shattering to be and do great things. I've always been a little narcissistic in that regard, and I think the universe is showing me that while I can think all I want that I am the shit, I'm not THE shit.

By the way, I think I'm almost ready.

Damn you Taylor Swift

2009-06-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dammit, 'Love Story' is such a freaking good song. I'm sitting there, listening to the damn song going "awwwww".

On the other hand, I've listened to both Calle Ocho and Single Ladies about twenty times a day for the last three or four days. I've even stooped to the level of trying to dance to Single Ladies and going whoa-uh-oh, uh-uh-oh over and over.

I should state that I am finally getting the clarity in my life that I have so far lacked in many respects. There are some that are not so clear, and many that are unwanted. I've learned that no amount of control can cover up the truth: no matter how much Spock conceals them, he still has emotions. Occasional bouts of alcohol tend to give clarity to one.

I am at war in my options though. Before I was fighting reality, and now for the first time, I see that I am able to direct my destiny. It's hard for me to deside what direction to take, because all directions will leave some people unhappy and others happy. All of my choices I have leave negative consequences. There are no victories here, and that's disturbing.

This is one of the reasons why it's soon time to leave home. As soon as I am able, I am determined to do it, because the influence m family has on these decisions is perhaps a little too powerful.

Ugh

2009-05-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. In part because I am in the midst of a marathon set of 12 straight days of working at least 5 hours a day. I'm also mentally tired, tired of trying to sort things out about my life, who I am, and all those other general annoyances that I've had to deal with over the last few weeks.

I'm tired of fighting, but I won't surrender. I'm tired of trying, but I won't give up. Obstinancy seems to have too much control over who I am.

Well, besides my cryptic messages, I have finally started my summer semester, to great fanfare. I've finished most of my homework for the week already. I do have to write some kind of an email about my competence in homeland security and my interest in bio-chemical warfare as well as work on an online accounting assignment. It doesn't seem too bad.

What I hate about accounting so far is the vocabulary. Technical business language and I don't get along too well. Actually, come to think of it, any technical language doesn't mesh well with me. In the midst of learning all of these languages, I have tried to embrace more communicative sides of things. Of course, this is ironic, because I am the most uncommunicative person ever, both on personal and professional levels.

Last night though was different. It was the first night in weeks that I have not been preoccupied with this problem, as I finally got to go out an actually do something aside from work. It's somewhat difficult living at home, because I just can't deal with anything with my family around. It's all a constant struggle of supression.

Cognitive dissonance and I are not good friends. I like being certain of things, and like every other scientist or historian, I also like to ignore unwelcome evidence that suggests there is very little personally about which I can be certain. Of course, part of my problem is that I am constantly trying to take a rational approach to purely emotional issues. In addition, my emotions are constantly at war with each other because of social impressions and the ever so constant cliche that demands that we follow our dreams and whatever.

The excitement of this week has slowed. Life seems to be returning to its normal routine, where I work in order to throw more money at my credit card, I take classes that in the end will do nothing for me, and I work so that I can do it all again.

I must say however, that my French reinvigoration efforts have been VERY successful over the last few days. My present tense conjugations are almost perfect, and I've probably refreshed on at least 400-500 words and picked up about 50-60 more. My efforts on improving my Spanish vocabulary, especially my medical terminology in Spanish, as well as trying to get my German back to full second semester level will return as I get back on the French boat.

Well, c5a c'est tout pour maintenant. Je n'ai pas beaucoup de choses que faire cet nuit, en suite, peut-etre, je vais aller avec ma cousin et notre amie a une bar. Je peux faire mes devoirs de securite aussi. We'll see.

I guess we'll call it stabilization

2009-05-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to describe it right now. I'm sort of kind of meh on a lot of these issues clouding my mind in recent days. Part of it certainly is allowing my mind...well, more like my heart...wander places it doesn't belong. Work tends to bring that out of me, because I have these long periods where no one will drive by and I have to find a way to pass the time intellectually (my sewing is not an intellectual activity, unfortunately).

Sometimes, I imagine how great it could be to be in that fairy tale lifestyle where you're in love and everything is bright and shiny, but in reality, I know that doesn't exist, and furthermore, I know that I do not have the emotional maturity necessary to be in any kind of a relationship. I'm not some kind of hormone-driven teenager immature, but the problem that I have had (and always have had) is that I bottle all of my emotions up because when they come out, I get fucked somehow. Basically, emotional expression at any time has come back to bite me in the ass. One big reason is that I an intrinsically intensely emotional. I don't have these slight feelings that most people have, when they say "I'm kind of happy". I'm either elated or depressed, normally. I know I'm not bipolar because I spend a lot of time emotionally flatlined, and my swings tend not to be dramatic at all.

My intentions romantically have always worked the same way as well. I've had these ridiculous and extreme crushes and I don't really know the object of those affections at all. That's been part of my problem in the last couple of weeks. I've actually never acted on those kinds of feelings before, and I tried it for the first time (why?) and was basically ignored, so whatever.

I guess I have not developed yet the ability to control those aspects of who I am, so it is much easier simply to supress them. I cloud them over with these obscure visions of nationality (a real Irishman would never think like this) compounded with ancestral guilt (you're shaming thousands of years of hard working, bleeding, and sacrificing Irishmen), or with this grandiose vision of destiny where I'm supposed to do something great (i.e. make it in the history books to be remembered and analyzed for thousands of years great) and I can't let me feelings or emotions get in the way. The third option is simply to reinforce that I'm not worth loving in any sense of the word--physical, emotional, commitment-oriented, you name it. The negative tapes really do the job. When I play those ones, along with all the other "Ray, you're an abject failure" tapes, it does a pretty good job of shutting down those emotional and romantic intentions.

Well, several good things:

School starts tomorrow. Brain can focus on something.
I'm starting language training again, first I'm going to review and enhance my French, then follow it up with German and Gaelic again. I still remember a lot of German vokab, but not so much structure. Somewhat the opposite in Gaelic. I can remember some sentences, like "Is mise Ray [pronounced "iss misha Ray"] or Ta (accent on a) leabhar anseo {there is a book there}," but not a lot of words or structures.
I should soon be getting money?

Pointless updating

2009-05-22T08:40:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been away for a while because I made a post in my other blog and I've been doing a lot of private journaling on paper, due in part to the serousness of my situation.

I have come to the conclusion that at this time, it is in my best interests, as well as those of others, if I leave this issue aside as much as possible. Of course, I will continue my private journaling on the matter, but it is so precarious that it requires as much delicacy as possible. Without it, I am in serious danger of overexerting my personal boundaries, boundaries that I have found vital to my success.

In fact, much of the reason that I have been as successful as I have been professionally is because I am almost devoid of personality when I am in public.

---much later edit----

So I mentioned private journaling, but that doesn't look so much like a viable option. Here's the thing, the whole deep dark evil thing I'm dealing with (see? it's so bad I have to end my clause with a preposition, contrary to my normal grammarical flavorings) made a huge mistake today. HUGE. It tried to expose itself.

I consider myself trifectally torn among my emotional, biological, and mental functions. Obviously, I like my mental ones and try to stifle the other two whenever possible, in part because they are natural allies (emotions being a base level of survival have strong biological components), and in part because together they might one day weaken my mind enough to do something that I would regret.

Today, they tried, and fortunately, the second that the moment was over, my mind re-established itself with total furor. Fortuantely, my natural inclination to do EXACTLY the opposite of what people recommend to me helped. That, interestngly, is both my greatest strength, because I have absolutely no social fears, but it is also my greatest weakness, because my enemies could corner me n mazes of options where I select the opposite of what they present, thus creating a predictable dilemma.

It was fuckin amazing to have my mind back. Instead of being all oogly over my feelings, I ripped every last page out of my journal I have been writing in, and shredded every last page so that there is no resemblance of it left. I deactivated personally crippling communications relays. I initiated a major countdown, and reestablished control for the first time in weeks. There isn't this brash indecision, but a firm conviction of what must be done to assure my successes remain.

The iron rod is back.

Moving on

2009-05-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

I finished my lab job completely last night. It felt good, in one of those weird sort of ways. In any case, that's one less weight over my head. I have a couple more to toss off, but for right now, things look a-okay. The nice thing about my new job is that I don't have any take-home work.

In my sort of goodbye email, I made it sound like I was really sad to leave, though I should make it clear that I wrote that email when I was living in opposite land.

I'm relieved that for now I work a job that doesn't involve consuming parts of my life like my last one did. I do wish I could have a supplemental job that had flexible hours, considering how chaotic my work schedule is right now, but since I start classes soon, that should not be too much of a problem.

I should mention that the mouse on this computer is a piece of shit. You have to click like thirty times to get it to respond, and after you finish the thirty clicks, it will go back and execute all thirty of them.

I'm starting to execute my back-up programs, which chiefly involve languages or, despite my greater inclination not to do this, nursing. The plain fact is that I need money, and I can't live on my own when I make 8.02 an hour. Nursing isn't glamorous, or even frankly what I want to do, but there is such a high demand for nurses and I can live pretty comfortably on 25 dollars an hour plus health insurance, that I think that I might later be able to do what I want, but not right away. That's part of the reason I plan on taking A&P and microbiology.

I think the number one sign of getting older is admitting that there just aren't things that you can do, no matter how much you may want to do so. Sometimes, it's fear of social reprisal that holds us back. Other times, it's financial obligations that hold us down, and even frequently, it's our friends and family that remind us of those two fatal words: "you can't".

2009-05-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, I swear, this is the last time I'm changing my schedule. For financial purposes, I had to screw around with it, but here it is at last:

Summer:
Medical Terminology
Principles of Accounting
Microbiology

Fall:
Advanced Medical Terminology
Accounting II
Botany
Russian I
Arabic I

THERE.

Refocusing is soon possible...

2009-05-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

Fortunately, and slightly unfortunately, my first class starts on Tuesday. I actually didn't really know that it did...I find it hard to believe that thermodynamics can be taught in one month, but I suppose I've already technically done a lot of it when I took chemical thermodynamics.

I also have to start scrounging money to pay for tuition, which is about 1200 at UCCS (plus 200 for the damn book. Fuckola!), 950 at PPCC (plus 200 for books there, fuckola times 2), for a grand total of about 2600. That's totally ridiculous, I think, but I suppose that it could be worse. I may have to hurt myself finanically for a while, because I don't start getting paid until June--and I obviously don't make a whole lot of money. Perhaps I should hit a couple of my bonds or something like that. I don't want to have to put THAT much money on my credit cards without being able to pay them off really quickly, and I don't think that I yet qualify for an educational loan. Money sucks.

Fortunately, I survived my psychotic episode from a few days ago, as I seem to have re-established control over everything. The unfortuante thing is that the truth is just as disturbing to me now as it was before when I really wasn't willing to admit it. I've accepted that there are certain things that I cannot change, but that doesn't mean that those infallible truths can dictate my actions and my behaviors. I make my decisions, not biology, not fate, not the universe, not other people. Only I can be the rock in my life.

I find it a little upsetting that now is the time for me to start getting some kind of sickness--yesterday I had my characteristic sore throat, and today I've had a cough and a lot of congestion. I don't know for sure yet if its my allergies attacking me or if I caught something at the hospital last week. I find it hard to believe it's the latter because I worked Thursday night and was hit when I woke up Friday morning. Plus, I didn't have my typical bout of bitchiness when I get sick.

So the future does look bright, but, unfortuantely, there will always be the monkey to which I have alluded many times on my many blogs. I have to accept that the monkey is part of who I am, but the monkey doesn't have the power to dictate anything to me. ANYTHING. I also am going to have to accept that I'm not going to have much moeny for a while. Right now, that's slightly more disturbing...

I guess I'll tell you all how thermodynamics goes soon!

2009-05-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais maintenant, je veux retourner a mes langues. Depuis de terminer mes choses pour les graduaciones, je vais etudier mon franc5ais autre fois et aussi mon allemand.

I've also finalized my schedule for the next semester for a week or so. To save money, I'm only taking the following:

Astronomy-Stars and Galaxies
Engineering Thermodynamics
Basic Principles of Accounting
Medical Terminology
Calculus III

Fall right now looks like this:

Principles of Engineering
Advanced Medical Terminology
Russian I
TA-Ethics

I really would also like to add either Epidemiology and Fluid Mechanics, but I'm not sure my work schedule would fit with all of that...

I need to get back into the swing of things. I've allowed personal problems to dissuade me too much. Last night was my low, and now should be a period of respite and recovery with a profound renewal of a commitment to my academic and intellectual goals, rather than wallowing in the fear that the universe is going to get me. It can only hurt me if I let it, and if I go back to who I was before I had all of this time off to think and to do stupid things, then I should be able to recover.

Perhaps it's ironic that I am strongest when I am most vulnerable...but I guess that's my perversion of biological instinct to survive that kicks in. Instead of keeping physically alive, I keep emotional control and stability by allowing myself these blips so I can see how completely dangerous it is to allow my self the comfort of instability and to keep very much aware that part of being who I am is to stand on the edge of a precipice and wait to fall in.

I think things will be looking up soon.

2009-05-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

Sitting, thinking, drinking my way in a maze of confusion, paranormal circumstances, and the insane belief that the universe might conspire to be my comfort, I live on.

I'm so tired of fighting, but the only thing that keeps me holding on is my refusal to surrender to anything.

I know it sounds dark and depressing (maybe that's the stage of grief I'm on right now..who knows?), but I think more frequently that three has been nothing in this life worth my living. I know, I sound like a spoiled ass, who knows nothing of the suffering of other people. Trust me, I would rather have their suffering than mine. I would rather fear for my physical life every minute of the day, wondering if there will be food to eat tomorrow than go through this torture.Material suffering can always be alleviated, mental/emotional...not so much.

If, given the choice between living my life and having never existed, I would likely choose the latter. I don't want to die, per se, because that would hurt my family, and the only reason some days I even get up is to avoid causing them pain. But they can't feel pain if they never knew of my existence.

I get that the universe never wants me to be happy. I get that it dangles carrots in front of my face to drag me in its sick game. If I stop going for the carrots, it will torture me in other ways, it will tear my mind. I get that everytime I get a glimmer of hope, it dashes those expectations against the rocks, and that like Tantalus, when I reach the nourishment of water or food, it snatches away.

There is no respite.

My life right now

2009-05-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcVe2k4GpKg&feature=related

Perspective would be nice

2009-05-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

That was the conclusion I came to last night shortly after finishing my post. In the grand scale of the universe, this is so trivial, so banal, so stupid, that it isn't worth all of the pain and agony through which I have put myself. There are too many more important things to consider, too many significant acts of kindness to alleviate the suffering to do. Despite all of my other techniques for dealing with my stress and pain, doing something good has always been the most helpful.

In all frankness though, I need something that Maricor has written many times before: 'Sometimes a retreat is a good tactic before you advance'. I play war games enough to know that works--[currently, my English empire has had to retreat several times out of Palestine, thanks to constantly building Italian forces. My goal is to lure the majority of their armies into Palestine, and then send three cavalry divisions to surround their escape routes and then crush them in a head-on battle...once the Italians are gone, my goal for European empire should be pretty easy and even excommunication won't be able to stop me!].

But with respect to the problems in my life, I could certainly use a few steps backwards to re-evaluate my positions. I've always been so used to moving ahead that I lose sight of the other forks in the road. The last few years ahve developed in me such an icy determination to accomplish; to have sheets of paper with my name on them saying that Raymond Schultz has done such and such an accomplishment, that I have completely lost sight on the journey itself.

These problems are systemic. I haven't determined yet whether they are tied to this singular issue, or whether it is the result of a lifetime of social issues. Burying the pain in success has always been my strategy, but my failures in getting into a secure graduate school have been traumatizing.

I've led myself to the point that if I don't do something so amazing that it's worth the pages of history, then my life has been a waste. It's not because I wanted to make some grand contribution, but because I wanted to show all of the bastards---including myself---that I have ever known that they were wrong to ever mess with me.

I will admit my paranoia, I create enemies that don't exist so that I can imagine oppression and rise above it. I don't have a clue what real oppression is. I don't know what it is to have my life hanging on a thread, and only the power of fate or of God there to save me. I've never had bullets whiz past my head...the closest I've ever come to death was strep throat. That really doesn't provide perspective.

Retreat certainly is in order, and more than anything, what I need is isolation for a couple of days. I am off Sunday thru Tuesday next week, and I may take the opportunity to go camping some place.

More than anything, I need to realize that no matter what, I'm no different than I was before.

The plot thickens

2009-05-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

Damn, I just don't know.

I mean, seriously, how much do people know about me? I seriously considered ending all of the pretense today, but it's not time. I have such a hard time, because I have the capacity to inflict such pain, such intense, emotional pain that it would call into question my humanity.

Who I am today is because of who I am not. I am not a person built around affirmations, but rather negations. Instead of going out and defining myself as "smart, emotionally strong", and whatever other adjective of which you can think, my life have alwasy been built around me saying "I'm not stupid. I'm not weak."

I can't be weak. I took that on a long time ago. The last time I ever cried was when my dad was diagnosed with MS. After that, I determined that I could never show emotions again, because I was supposed to be the citadel in which my family could find their strength. It's so fucking ridiculous, but it's true. In those months afterwards, my life was chaos inside, but outside, I had to show the face of iron that has become mine. Whenever there is a matter of any seriousness, I don't show a face of softness and compassion, it's of iron determination.

For years, I have frankly gloated that I was immune to such problems. Many times, I thought myself better than other people because I didn't suffer from human problems. I suffered from intellectual and 'higher order' concerns. I didn't have to worry about people dying because I turned life into this materialistic framework that focused around the fact that we live and we die. I didn't have to worry about feelings because they were only biochemical impulses shooting between synapses. I didn't have relationships (realistically, I still don't).

As many of you can see, that power is eroding quickly, and I am not sure how long I can maintain my composure. Two things are all that is left from flooding my life in torture: fear and...doubt. It's more the fear than the doubt, because there are some people whose knowledge of these affairs would not frighten me, because I believe in their genuineness. Although, there is another lie, because Karin (probably one of only two or three faithful readers of my life) is one of those people who I think I could explain all of this to. I had the chance tonight, but I backed out.

It's so ironic, that I, the stoic, he who has always destroyed himself for the sake of his reputation, he who has always claimed to be unafraid of taking any position contrary to society, is now drowning in it. I put on a good show, but I'm paralyzed. There isn't an explosion powerful enough to remove these problems any longer. As I sit here writing, I want to cry, I want to run down the street screaming, but I can't. Like a lie that is told over and over again, I've simply said to myself "I'm above emotions" enough that my body thinks so, even when my mind finally realizes that that is all a lie.

Oh, the world will know, and it kills me, because I know that it will hurt other people. That's one of the two parts of fear that possesses me. The first is the fear of consequences that will come back against me. Every action involves consequences, but it is characteristics that invoke the strongest ones, because they lead to legacies. Actions can reflect personal characteristics, for example, if you say that it is justifiable to lie to a supervisor, then that says you're untrustworthy and you are treated as such. I can't imagine my position justifiable enough to expose myself to censure. Every facet of my being would be questioned, my genuineness under assault, and my reputation wasted. Ray, the iron rod, the fortress of steel, the unbreakable, inside, is afraid, weak, and helpless...ready to shatter at a moment's notice.

The other part is the fear of what this knowledge would do to people that I love. This, I can see, would only have negative consequences. In some cases, I would lose the people that I love. In others, I would crush something in them, I would kill flowers that would never again bloom. How could I cause my family such pain? Who could willingly go to his family and friends and just shred everything? They would be hurt by the lies, the shattered image of me...and I don't want to cause them to feel pain. I would rather endure this suffering my entire life than to harm them in any way.

If I were religious, I would go with the "put it in God's hands" thing, but I really think now in my life that doing that is nothing more than what I'm doing now--ignoring the problem.

A Haiku
These days are so dark.
My heart beats unrelenting...
The day turns again.

What.

2009-05-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight's posting has no level of liquor or sleep depravation. So far, that's an improvement over yesterday.

On the flip side, I sort of have a big problem developing that involves lots of emotions, questions, and uncertainty in life. Such as it is.

Something happened to me yesterday that I can't in a public forum describe, but it's given me a lot about which to think. It involves a lot of self probing (something I've tried to avoid my entire life) and thus riles all kinds of emotional things. (No it's not Star Trek or work related).

Everything I know is sort of on a precipice, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I thought about blogging about it, but I can't do that on a forum so public when I'm not really sure what the hell to say. I'm going to try to do it on a private blog before I go to bed tonight, but that might not be enough.

I guess this is one of those times when having friends is a good thing. I have a lot of acquaintances and people I get along with, but none of them I trust well enough for me to consider talking to them about this. I probably have three people I think that I could trust with this, but none of them are in a geographical area conducive towards achieving that goal. Everyone's gone for now.

The biggest part of the problem for me is the total lack of certainty. Having been trained as a logical, rational thinker, I would normally just tell myself to consider the question involved, formulate preliminary theses, and collect evidence that corroborates with any thesis. Unfortunately, 1), logical thinking rarely works when we talk about ourselves. We run it through so many self-defense filters, self-glorifying (or mutilating) lenses, and spiral into the realm of confusion and the abyss of uncertainty. Secondly, human beings are far more complicated than an either-or problem. We're a species of gradation along millions of spectra. On the skin color scale, I rank in the whitey white territory, but my parents are naturally darker than I am. We're not either black skinned or white skinned. Our emotions work similarly. Unfortunately, they don't work like those pre-school posters that say HAPPY :-), SAD :-(, ANGRY >:-O. If it were that simple, I think everything would work out. But instead, I have to deal with all kinds of conflictng emotions ranging from elation to fear.

And really, this is a tripartite problem of mind, body, and soul, so to speak. (I don't really know what I mean when I say soul).

What I wish is that someone would just TELL me what I need to know. Although, part of me doesn't even want to know. It's hard.

If anyone comes to Colorado Springs and you see a psychotic mess by the side of the road, it's probably me.

I wish I could be more forthcoming, but it's not really possible.

I'm not gloating--I'm Spock

2009-05-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

The last few days have given me a lot about which to think. Not to mention the bottle of wine I've downed in that time. And other things that I can't discuss.

I'm a huge Trek fan. I mean, I saw the movie at the first showing. Stood in line (was #1!) for almost 4 hours. I was up til 2 AM coming up with temporal theories to fix the movie.

I'm Spock. I've always had a seperate standard set for me. I've always supposed to be the strong, rational person. I'm someone who is supposed to rise above the limitations of being human--emotion, frviolous instinct, etc.--and acheive a higher intellectual and rational level.

But then again, I'm not a computer. I've desperately tried to avoid my feelings and my emotions, but they always come back. Like Spock, I'm always a volcano, that can blow at any moment, and sense is gone to the wind.

I'm constantly torn between the emotions of being an ordinary human, and the rational expectations that everyone has for me. I'm the person who always comes up with the critical analysis, the great idea that solves the problem, or can go on the course of sense to create. On the flip side, this ruins my creativity. I don't know how many people read this blog, but did you all know that I used to be a prolific writer of non-fiction? I think I worte hundreds, if not thousands of poems twisting my lust for complexity with my passion for precision. My life was built around irony.

I know someone who is gay, and he came to accept that when he had a life threatening situation face him. He told me life is too short to avoid who you are.

Am I wasting my life trying to live up to everyone's expectations for accomplishing something? Or is it that I'm wasting my life trying to live up to my unreasonable expectations to be this stoic? Perhaps my expectations of myself have created a standard that other people think is typical behavior of me, and thus amplify the problem.

Or perhaps I've had to much wine and too little sleep.

I wish I had less fear and more conviction.

By the way, my new job is great!

I'll write more when my head feels less---groggy?

Yet more of my infrequent and pedantic updates

2009-04-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

I might take to bullet pointing my posts to describe the oh so precarious nature that is my life.

Let's see, where am I? Well, first off, I found out that I am not going to be working 16 hours a week but more like 32-40 from Wednesday-Sunday starting next Friday. They're starting off slow with me at the park, working only 4 hours shifts my first weekend. Then, come two weeks from yesterday, it's ramping up to full speed.

This causes me to change my night of volunteering at the hospital from Friday to Tuesday for at least the next five months or so.

I decided to take some classes in which I am interested. It looks like both German and Russian won't go through, so I'll be taking for my summer course load the following:

Definitely:
Engineering Thermodynamics
Medical Terminology
Astronomy

Probably:
Calculus III
Greek and Roman Art

I'm trying to take a few options that will open me to jobs. All of the medical sort of jobs require you to have med. term, so this course will fill that option. Astronomy has just always been an interest of mine. I figure since I'll be here another year, I may as well go back and add the Classics and Spanish minors to my resume. I only need 4 courses for the classics minor (Greek or Latin II, two art history courses, and a philosophy course), and I wanted to take Medieval and Renaissance Philosophy next semester. I only need 1 course for the Spanish minor, and I'll have a LOT of time to catch up on that. My grammar and vocab is a little hazy.

I got top philosophy student for 2008-2009, and top Natural Science student for the year also.

I have no personal life, so no point in discussion of that.

Otherwise, my days are filled with cross stitching, desperately trying to get these 4 pieces done in the next two weeks (FAT ASS CHANCE!). I also am planning on spreading my wings to punch needle projects. We'll see how that goes...

This weekend is the last one I'll be working in the lab. Happy feelings are beginning to ebb over me.

Maybe I can update with something substantial?

2009-04-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

I hate decisions, espeically ones that have serious long-term repercussions on one's life.

I got into three graduate schools for master's programs, and got very little. From CU, I got nothing; from BC, same. I did get a half tuition scholarship to Catholic; however, that still leaves me 35K per year short, and I just cannot do that.

So graduate school looks out the window for another year.

Then what am I going to do? Well, I'm going to start more languages--definitely Arabic, and either Russian or Japanese. I'm going to work more in French, German, Greek, Gaelic, and Latin, and review Spanish, and I'm probably going to take a lot of engineering/math style courses. I dunno.

Of course, also involved will be a search for a job.

In the meantime, it's finishing a lot of cross stitching, and finally finishing all of my old science things at UCCS.

My life sucks

2009-04-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

So, I got absolutely no money from graduate school. None. Not a fucking penny. So it looks like I'm going to be stuck in Colorado Springs for another year doing something new.

Right now, my current plan of plans is to concurrently do accounting and physics and Arabic and German and maybe Russian? Hard to say. I do know that I'll probably be taking Calculus III, Arabic I, and German II over the summer while I'm working at the state park.

I'm also trying to find jobs. Ugh.

I need to write more later, actually.

Maybe I should post something?

2009-04-19T16:38:00.001-07:00

Well, first off, I'm going to post a survey because I really have not done one in about half a million years or so:

100 Truths

1. Last beverage→ Soy
2. Last phone call→ Mem. Hosp. Volunteer Office
3. Last text message→ Never use them
4. Last song you listened to→ The Tudors Theme Song+Pokarekare Ana

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Dated someone twice → Never even dated
2. Been cheated on? → Not possible.
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? → No.
4. Lost someone special?→ About...5 years now? More like 4 and 1/2
5. Been depressed?→ Yep.
6. Been drunk and threw up? → No...who would want to get so drunk that he throws up Guinness?

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:

1. Forest Green
2. Navy Blue
3. Black
4. Cerulean

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → I've actually just about lost all of them
2. Fallen out of love → I guess? It's hard to say, the last time I had aa serious crush on anyone was about 7 or 8 years ago
3. Laughed until you cried → Yes! Bill Cosby made me do it!
4. Met someone who changed you → Not terribly profoundly--I've tended towards stability
5. Found out who your true friends were → There isn't anyone in whom I can place total faith, I had to learn that one the hard way..
6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yeah, apparently, I'm broody and grumpy.
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list→ Hell no.
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → I make it a point to know all 25 people on my facebook friends list
9. How many kids do you want to have→ ZERO
11. Do you want to change your name→ I dunno, I have considered hypenating it to include my biological grandfather's last name.
12. What did you do for your last birthday→ I went to work, got sick, went home, and slept.
13. What time did you wake up today → Around 6:30...
14. What were you doing at midnight last night → Desperately trying to sleep.
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → People to stop using prepositions at the end of their sentences!!
16. Last time you saw your father → About two hours ago
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Living in the USA
18. What are you listening to right now → The Tudors Soundtrack
19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Ugh, yes. My cell biology professor. See this: http://excelsioreverupward.blogspot.com/2007/05/oh-my-god-part-ii.html
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? → The fact that I got absolutely no financial aid. GAAH Bastards!
24. Most visited web pages → E mail, blogs, news

1. What's your name→ Raymond Lewis
2. Nicknames→ Ray
3. Relationship Status→ Single, as always
4. Zodiac sign → Virgo
5. Male or female → Male
6. Elementary→ St. Joseph's Elementary/Corpus Christi
7. Middle School→ Corpus
8. High school → William J Palmer High
9. Missing→ Guinness, Ireland, and truthfully, school
10. Hair color → Dirty dishwater
11. Long or short → Short
16. Height → 6'1 ish
17. Do you have a crush on someone? → Really, no.
18: What do you like about yourself? → My ability to be totally dedicated
19. Piercings → None
20. Tattoos → None.
21. Righty or lefty → Right.

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → Circumcision--pretty much every guy's first surgery
23. First piercing → None yet!
24. First best friends : Katie Moder--still facebook friends with her
26. First sport you joined → Tried baseball and went into full scale rebellion
27. First pet →Bentley
28. First vacation → Uh, I can't remember that far back
29. First concert → Moody Blues, 1996
30. First crush → My sixth grade teacher. Pretty much every man has a crush on an older woman the first time around

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating → Nothing, unfortuantely....really sort of lusting for some salmon
50. Drinking → Nothing. Really lusting for Guinness
52. I'm about to → Write something about my life that is totally useless
53. Listening to → Tudors Soundtrack
55. Waiting for → Life to throw me a bone?

YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids? → Nope
59. Want to get married? → Not at all
60. Careers in mind? → Fuck, I really don't know.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? -
68. Lips or eyes → Eyes,
69. Hugs or kisses → Neither really, I hate touching
70. Shorter or taller → I don't care
71. Older or Younger → I don't care
72. Romantic or spontaneous → I'm not interested in either
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → I could care less, really.
74. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive--I ABHOR loudness
75. Hook-up or relationship → Friendship only
77. Trouble maker or hesitant → Don't care

HAVE YOU EVER :

78. Kissed a stranger → No.
79. Drank hard liquor → Yes--rum is fucking nasty, people
80. Lost glasses/contacts → No. I would die
81. Sex on first date → Never dated, so how do we get here?
82. Broken someone's heart → Probably
83. Had your own heart broken→ Sort of.?
85. Been arrested → No
86. Turned someone down → Absolutely--I'm not interested in dating any men, so they can stop hitting on me
87. Cried when someone died → Sort of?
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → Huh?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Absolutely
90. Miracles → No, not really
91. Love at first sight → Maybe the internet
92. Heaven → I dunno...I doubt it significantly
93. Santa Claus → Not at all
95. Kiss on the first date? → No
96. Angels → Eh...not really

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → No
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No way
99. Eaten sushi? → No
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? → No.

Unsure of all things

2009-04-14T20:42:00.000-07:00

So, my life has been slightly complicated. I went to DC, and sure, I saw all of the sights, the National Mall, etc. Unlike most people who were there, I tended to look on the buildings (especially the Capitol) with a lot of disdain. The cherry blossoms and the Jefferson Memorial were the only touristy sights that inspired much confidence.

I have gotten to knock Virginia, DC, and Maryland off of my list of places to go, leading me to 29 states, a sort of city-state, and then 5 out of around 194 countries.

The big problem is that it looks like I'm going to get no funding at any of the universities to which I applied. My odds of getting a one half scholarship for tuition to DC are about 40%. Basically, that would take about 7,500 off of around 33,000 I should bank per year. Now, I think 33 K is extremely excessive. Here's why: they assess a $1000 personal fee per semester, $2700 for food per semester (who eats $2500 worth of food in 20 weeks? All you need is cereal, ramen, and some apples). I think for a year's worth of food on a budget, you can spend like $2700. So, I can cut that 33 K down by around 4700, and assuming I get the scholarship, by about like 12 K. 21 thousand dollars a year is a LOT of money.

Colorado and Boston College look to offer me nothing.

So basically, I am going to have to sit on the shelf for a year, saving money, probably getting an MBA, and studying foreign languages. I hate having to do it, but fate looks to choke me.

So, I guess I should make a preliminary list of things to do for this year:

1. RETAKE GRE. I need to get my verbal score up about 100 points.
2. Take a couple of history courses from tenure track faculty.
3. Really get people who will give me fantastic recommendations.
4. Apply to higher universities (U-Chicago, Notre Dame, Vanderbilt (?), U-Michigan, etc.) in my fields of interest.

C'est la vie, je suppose.

More traveling I will go

2009-04-04T21:58:00.000-07:00

Yep, I went impulsively and determined to go ahead and go out to Catholic University to determine if it is someplace I can imagine spending the next two years of my life. Washington D.C. isn't exactly the most inviting place in the world to live, and I can definitely say that never having been there.

Between Boston and Catholic, in addition to money, I definitely have to consider what the universities are offering. Catholic tends to do flat tuition costs whereas Boston does its work by credit hour. So at Catholic, I can go ahead and take like 12-15 graduate credit hours (about as insane as me taking 27 undergrad hours), get all of my courses out of the way in a year and write my thesis over summer and fall. Catholic also is offering more of the courses in which I am interested (Medieval Europe, Ireland, etc.).

Whatever.

Anyways, I decided before I leave for Washington that I'm really going to finish EVERYTHING in the bioenergetics lab. I have to write schpiels in my notebook over the data (19 sets) and also finish analyzing two sets of data. Then I'm done there scientifically. I'll ask if they want me to help them move, otherwise, I'm done.

As soon as I get back, I am going to finish catching up on my lab notebook in biochem.

Then, pretty much all of my ties to UCCS should be dissolved.

I got my Gadsden flag in the mail this week, so I am all set to go to the Tea Party on the 15th at Acacia. This is going to be my first public protest, so in many ways I'm quite excited.

I also got my Stevie Nicks CD and DVD, both of which I am enjoying thoroughly.

Other than that, my life i basically sewing.

Karma

2009-03-23T13:05:00.000-07:00

Hey Lance,

Guess what? Karma's a bitch. You dump the mother of your children who stayed with you when you had cancer for someone else, and then you dumped her just as she gets diagnosed with cancer too. You dump people the wrong way, it's going to come back and bite you in the ass. Except this time, it was your bike (you know, that thing that you trust most in the world, that held you up when you had your cancer) and now you're broken on the inside. You get what you deserve, asshole. http://www.cnn.com/2009/SPORT/03/23/cycling.armstrong/index.html

What is this? Two posts in as many days???

2009-03-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot to mention several things in my post last night. Perhaps because for some strange reason I decided to try what a shot of rum would taste like (It tastes terrible, never do it). Actually, it probably was like half a shot--maybe 15 mL? Suffice it to say, I think I burned the first several layers of my esophagus off as well as created an ulcer the size of Massachusetts in my gut. If there was anything that's not me living in my throat, honey, it's dead now. On top of the effects of a drink that is 40% alcohol by volume, rum tastes like shit. I mean, it has this bizarre sweet thing (I know, it's from sugarcane) combined with the potency of the alcohol that left my mouth in pain. I'll happily stick with my lighter alcoholic brews.

But anyways, I got my job at the state parks for this summer, so if you come down to Cheyenne Mountain state park at all on a Friday or Saturday, I'll be taking your money! I get to wear the cool park ranger outfits and have a badge and radio and all. And you have to give me money...that I kind of get to keep since I'll be paid $8.02 an hour.

In other news, I'm a total blithering fool, and I think I am finally getting that. I'm more determined after the last week that I've had (more like weekend, really), to affect a permanent change in my life. I'm tired of this, and I'm ready to stop it. I guess it factors into the reasons I have for wanting to move. Washington D.C. doesn't have the effects of Colorado Springs, and a new environment is a new opportunity to affect what I so desperately need in my life, more than ever. I say Washington because I have not heard anything (STILL?) from Boston. Ireland would be more ideal, but with the Fed deciding to print a trillion dollars to weaken the dollar even more (SERIOUSLY? STOP PRINTING FUCKING MONEY!!!!), the dollar-euro ratio is going to PLUMMET. If the Europeans thought that they were going to have few American tourists this year, wait until that money floods the market. I would not be surprised to see the ration reach $2.00 per 1 Euro.

I could all too easily go and live in Europe. Despite the fact that they are far more liberal than I am, there is something about the overwhelming sense of history, culture, and vibrancy in Europe that is eroding here in the US. I'm just saying.

My now weekly posts...

2009-03-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

To all of my like 1 or 2 readers out there, if you really care about reading something from my witty hands more frequently, you should know that reading other people's blogs is a major motivating factor for me to write more....

So a year, heh? Both hard to believe, and something that I wish I could go back to. This week has not been terribly helpful, but I think after today, things will be improving...

I seriously want to go to Catholic University of America right now. The history courses they are offering next semester are fantastic, plus they're offering Gaelic I, which I desperately wish to take. Money is going to decide it all, I fear. I did decide, however, that if I somehow get a seriously substantial scholarship, I am going to fly to the DC area in early April for a couple of days to really see if I could live there for 2 years. When I was supposed to be going to Boulder, I went, be really didn't look at the place and found it too big, stifling, and liberal. I'm not Rush Limbaugh, but I'm one of those old-fashioned types where sex belongs in a bedroom (not a dorm room!), where drinking should never be excessive, and the rigor of debate is best applicable when ad hominem insults are thrown out. I wonder frequently if Catholic would be the opposite. I mean, I understand there are instances where it is unjustified to require by force of law a woman to carry a child to term, but the only cases I see it morally acceptable is when both lives are threatened (e.g. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ectopic_pregnancy). However, sometimes morality cannot justifiably intercede on certain choices--a woman who is raped for example. It is more noble for the woman to carry the child, but I could never justify REQUIRING her to do so.
I also am quite liberal on same-sex marriage. The way I see it is that marriage under the auspices of the state is when two consenting adults form an exclusive agreement that includes shared living space, shared finances, and shared responsibilities in the care of children. If that is maintained, there is no fear of pedophila, bestiality, or polygamy from occurring, because they all violate the idea of a marriage contract. Incest would be harder to wrangle out, because then it's like "what if two siblings agree to this kind of a contract". My answer would be that the overall wellbeing of society would be so seriously damaged by the kinds of deformities that incestuous offspring might bring that it justifies inhibiting siblings, parent-child, etc being banned. Not to mention that I do not really consider myself Catholic. I've been hopping around in my beliefs for the last three or four years now. My general progression went from Catholic-->Eastern rite Catholic-->Eastern Orthodox-->Anglican-->Episcopalian-->Deist-->Agnostic-->Atheist-->Agnostic-->Humanistic Deist. I tend to believe that there is some higher power, but I don't know that it is active in the course of our existences.

Not to mention that I've figured that if the original Catholic faith in which I was brought up is right, I would rather be judged on the quality of my character, the generosity of my actions, against the meanness of temper and the proneness to human failing than on the basis of what I believed. In other words, judge me for what I do, not what I think.

I would wonder how that would correlate to the most "catholic" university in the country? How would I turn down all the invitations to rosaries, bible studies, etc., without offending people extraneously? How would I avoid the constant pressure to at least outwardly express a renaissance of those catholic sentiments I once had? Notice how I say avoid and not rise above---I have no intention of giving into peer pressure (never have done it before), and my conviction that the Catholic church in the US is fundamentally corrupt will not change.

In other, more exciting news, Ireland won pretty much everything in RBS6Nations--Grand Slam (winning against all other nations), Triple Crown (winning against all other teams on the British Isles), Championship (most points, beating all tiebreakers). I really want to buy a championship jersey, but Kaleena quite rudely mentioned that this would violate my money-hoarding tendencies...here are the AMAZING highlights of Wales v Ireland, played in Cardiff on Saturday...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFbe7vvEqjA. I seriously cried watching that. DAMN, I wish I was in Cardiff.

That's all I really have to say...

Who would want to hear about my life anyways?

2009-03-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Saint Patrick's Day, everyone, so I must say "beannachtai na feile padraig agus go mbeannai dia duit"! Everyone make sure to wear your Irish pride on your sleeves and to drink enough Guinness to supplant American companies from the list of top brand loyalty companies (I think Coca Cola is #1; Guinness is #3).

I know I have not updated much in recent weeks, but really I have very little to say. I mean, I finally recovered (mostly) from being diseased. I still have this weird coughing thing that I am doing, but hopefully that will go away soon.

In great, fantastic, amazing news, Ireland is really close to winning the RBS 6 Nations championship. After beating Scotland and Wales' dismal game against Italy, Ireland will either win the rugby championships with a win or by a loss of less than 13 points against Wales. The unfortuante thing is that the match is being played in Cardiff, so the Welsh will be out in full force against the Irish.

I also got to go to Jack Quinn's for the first time. It's not like the pubs I went to in Ireland, although that's probably because they seat you (unheard of on the other side of the pond) and the pub is filled with Americans rather than the Irish.

This time of year is definitely making me miss the Emerald Isle.

In other, less fortunate news, I was rejected from Iowa. I'm not terribly surprised by this, considering that, oh, one of my recommendations came in over a MONTH late. The letter politely told me that my interests were incompatible with those of the department. I'm just glad to know that I wasn't one of the first rejected, I suppose. I still have yet to hear from Boston College, but given how fantastic that school is institutionally, I would not be surprised if I were to be rejected there too.

This leaves me with a few options. I have been admitted to CU-Boulder and to Catholic University. Fortunately, I should hear about finances before time to consider European applications begins. Over there, I would probably apply to Uniersity College Cork and NIU-Galway. Like I've said, I'm not a huge fan of the idea of living in Dublin, though I loved Cork and Galway to no end. My other option that I am seriously considering is pursuing an MBA at UCCS. It would cost me, almost literally, an arm and a leg, but it's something that will give me a job while I pursue something I am more interested in accomplishing.

Money looks to be the killer here.

Speaking of money, my situation is not so dire as it was before when I got back from Ireland. I have successfully paid back my parents the money they gave me towards my trip (they won't take it, so I use the money to pay some of their bills. It would be going there anyways).

I also have over $1800 saved, which is almost halfway to my savings goal for the year. My net assets should be around $10,000 by the end of the year.

I went to work today. It wasn't fun, but I'm all that much clsoer to finishing my project. I found out though that I basically have three sets of data (out of like 150) that are total crap. I don't really want to repeat them, but I kind of promised that I would have the 19 cell lines done. Then again, they promised to me that I would be paid the right amount. I could just say that I intended to go back and re-do them when I hit the other drugs. Maybe I'll do it with my two week notice. I dunno. It's all confusing.

I am also ALMOST caught up with my lab notebook.

I have a job interview tomorrow with the state parks service....I'm nervous....

Recovery, at long last

2009-03-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

So I've been sick since Monday, which is the main reason why I have not updated. Monday was essentially spent in some kind of coma, sleeping throughout the day. Tuesday was something similar.

I did receive fantastic news that I was accepted at Catholic University, though I heard nothing about financial assistance. If I had to choose between Boulder and Catholic, the final decider will be money. Plain and simple.

Wednesday thru Friday were recovery days, where I felt good enough to resume my daily walks, but not as long as I would have liked. Involved were much coughing, sneezing, and blowing of my nose...

So my news is essentially flat.

However, my progress on publications this week looks to be good. I've cut a grand total of 50 pages out of my thesis so far (I probably need to cut 10 more, I'm reading it after getting off of this) , and Ihave to send the edited copy to my professor today. We'll discuss, but my aim is to submit next Friday..

With respect to biochemsitry, I have just a few more corrections to make on this paper and we should be sending it off this Friday.......perhaps exciting?

I also got a job interview to work for Cheyenne Mountain State Park next Tuesday. I'm going to apply at the zoo and for another job on campus, methinks. If I get these interviews and they offer me the job, I'm instantly quitting my lab job.

That's really all I have to say right now. Perhaps tonight I will feel more motivated to post something.

To what lengths must I go to post???

2009-03-01T20:43:00.001-08:00

Geez, I have to take such bizarre internet routes to be able to post anything these days. First blogger says that I can't blog because of weird cookie regulations on my computer, but I go to other blogs and see that I'm logged in, so I come over here, and whamoey, I can post.

There are several tidbits of yay news worth mentioning, some of those yays are sarcastic...

The first sarcastic yay is that my sister brought a fun disease home, and I'm pretty sure she gave it to me, because my lymph nodes are the size of basketballs, and they only do that when I get sick. That's my weird disease thing, which is a lot better than hers, because no matter what, when she gets sick with something, she pukes exactly 4 times in one night. If it's a head cold, she pukes, if it's pneumonia (which she's never had, but I'm just saying), she's vomiting.

The second sarcastic yay is that I still haven't found another job. I've applied for a few, but I really badly want to get out of the whole lab situation ASAP. I don't have a hell of a lot of work left to do there, but I want to have something lined up so I can quit. However, in disappointing news, one of my sets of data looks like total crap. I don't know whether to go back and redo the experiments or not. On the one hand, I have to deal with all the other lab people and their shit, but on the other hand, if I don't redo it, then they'll probably think worse of me, and if I put them down for references, then they'll give me bad refs. Any thoughts?

Onto the actually good yays!

First, I finished my taxes, and I'm getting about $525 back! Well, I say that, but in all likelihood, I don't think I'll see my Colorado state taxes, because the state is in so much debt this year. Whatever. My US ones are filed, and I should get that money back this week, so I can FINALLY pay off my credit card...

Second, I got a lovely piece of mail a couple of days ago from the University of Colorado at Boulder Department of Classics recommending me for admission to their program! It still has to clear through the dean, but at least I'm not flat out rejected, like I likely will be from the other universities...

Third, I've lost weight in the last couple of weeks. I gained a bit when I came back from Ireland, but it's all gone now. WOOT.

Fourth, Ireland beat England at Croke Park in 6 Nations Rugby, maintaining our position in first place in the division. Secondly, France beat Wales, so Ireland has a legitimate one game advantage on the field, plus the points differential goes to Ireland. Remaining games include against Wales (the defending champion), and against hapless Scotland. A win against Scotland, and Ireland virtually guarantees its position in the championship game!!!

Fifth, if things work out, Ray might be taking a but of a road trip this summer...depends on financial situation. But basically, if I get a full ride at a graduate school, I'm going to take a road trip to see all of the states west of the Mississippi that I have not yet seen (Idaho, North Dakota, Minnesota), Wisconsin, and all of the Trans-Canadian Highway from Vancouver to Thunder Bay. I figure it would take me about a week and a half to do it (10 days), and if I time it well, I won't be spending much on hotels. Unfortunately, we have absolutely no family in that part of the country. But I really want to knock off a bunch of states and a country while I have the chance. If not that, then I would probably go to the Bahamas or some place in the Caribbean.

Ugh, I have to work tomorrow...

Dreaming of home

2009-02-24T20:52:00.001-08:00

God, I miss being in Ireland. Being over there, everything was just so carefree. I miss biking on the Dingle Peninsula, drinking a pint in the bar, and watching 6 nations on the tele. I miss being around the feeling that I was home. My family was a military one, moving every few years, so I never really developed roots in the US. Colorado Springs is the closest thing, but I pretty much hate next to everything about this city.

Ireland brought me a closeness to my heritage that I never had, and I could feel my bloodline all around. In the US, I really don't feel that.

I know that I'm an Irish-American, and I wouldn't give up what I've gained by being an American. But Ireland is just wow. I'm bound to all of my brothers and sisters on the other side of the pond, as well as those on this side who built not one, but two nations.

I've still heard nothing about any of my graduate schools. It looks like it's going to be a sad year for me...

Race is a Fickle Thing

2009-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I've been adequately shocked to see how this issue keeps appearing with its ugly head, about how we have to have a serious discussion about race in America, and what I see the most is hypocricy and double standards.

The first has to do with this cartoon that has gotten a lot of buzz. Do we have to forget that cartoonists portrayed George Bush as a monkey as well for 8 years? Why was no one crying foul over that? The intent was to implicate him as an idiot, so shouldn't we stand up for idiots everywhere and demand that those cartoons be withdrawn too? Do we have to revoke the liberties of the cartoonist and the publisher to print that which is within his first amendment rights to do? Do we forget that it was not our president, but rather Nancy Pelosi who was the main writer of the stimulus package? Here's a shocking forsight of the next four years (at least): any criticism of President Obama will be viewed through a prism of race by the mongerers that want any critics to shut up and sit down. They will comb through every statement, every drawing, looking for the race card to play against anyone who wages any serious opposition against him.

It's one thing to look at the historical accounts that made ready comparison between Africans and apes, but it's another thing to take this cartoon, whose object was the stimulus package (so chock loaded that it seemed to have been written by a monkey...an actual monkey, not a metaphorical one) and its actual author, not the president. This was a cheap excuse to shut up another person who had questions about the judgment of those who wrote and passed the bill so quickly as to stifle discussion.

Perhaps the more disturbing thing is how the NAACP and leaders like Sharpton and Jackson are hounding this guy, who is within his legal rights to express his views, when the R&B and rap communities are committing far more atrocious acts against women of color. Need we forget that Chris Brown recently used Rihanna's face as a punching bag? Or what about the pimped up asshole who shot up Jennifer Hudson's family (and no doubt, had she been there, JHud herself)? We have a community of "artists" who advocate the objectification of women, and those who suffer the most from this are black women. These singers implicate that it's okay to beat your woman, because she's your bitch, and your bitch doesn't have the right to fool around or even look at another man. Meanwhile, she's supposed to be on her knees making sure your happy in all the right places, and then you can go and fuck up the next woman.

Where's the outrage among blacks about how their men are treating their women? Here's a serious discussion about race: white men who beat their wives are publicly humiliated, turned into the trash of society, and tossed out. Why has Chris Brown not received the same treatment? Where is his censure? Why aren't black leaders taking his CD's and trashing them, shouting "this is not how we should be treating our women!"? Now, of course, he has the right to due process, but here's the point: at the very least, the old, and incredibly vocal guard of the race movement in the US is content to allow black men to do what they want to women, but if one non-black so much as questions this, he gets the automatic label of racist?

Fifty years ago and even eighty years ago, black musicians were pioneers, creating some of the best of American music in Jazz and Motown. Of course, behind the scenes, things weren't always beautiful with abuse and drugs happening, but if you listen to Motown lyrics, like Smokey Robinson and the Temptations, you don't hear them about how a woman should service a man. You hear songs like "My Girl", cheesy, yes, but intimate. They're songs where a man shows a woman what love is. Nowadays, we have lyrics that treat women like trash, and artists to boot. Those lyrics are being heard by kids in the inner cities, and guess what? They're being told it's okay for your women to be your whores, and because you're a man, you deserve undying loyalty, money, and a blowjob. Do you want your daughters treated like Rihanna's been treated? Do you want them being told that they should get down and shut up?

If the NAACP really cared about the advancement of colored people, they would see how much of a cancer this types of people are to their movement. They should see how black women are being treated, and maybe, just maybe, they might begin to see why out-of-wedlock pregnancy is not getting any better. Instead of being Barack Obama's personal defense force, perhaps they need to look and see why blacks consistently are less healthy than whites and Hispanics (and even in many cases, American Indians!); why they overall are poorer than other racial groups; and why they have to use race as a defense mechanism.

They call others cowards for bringing race into the discussion, and then when people do, it becomes discrimination. They are overly defensive, and ultimately self-destructive victims. Until they can stand up for real victims, like those black women suffering from early pregnancy, abuse, disease, and objectification, then as far as I'm concerned, their words are completely hollow.

Figuring out what to do

2009-02-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

So, going back to my idea from my last post...

First off, I can't update about the rest of my trip because the computer that has all my photos in it is in the shop, being fixed so that we can access our tax information...so my last week and a half of Ireland will have to wait a touch.

Anyways, when it comes to grad schools, things really look sucky right now, because one of my professors forgot to send my recommendation letter off. Now, I think I gave sufficient notice, especially when she had already written a letter for me and only needed to change the name of the school and the program. On top of that, when I took in suck-up food, she assured me that everything was taken care of, and my last letters would be in the mail the day I left for Ireland.

I get back, and I get emails from my grad schools saying that I actually don't have my application complete because one professor did not send the letters.

So I emailed her and she said she got so busy that she forgot to do it. Now I'm adequately screwed.

So my options for the next year looking increasingly limited. IF I get into a graduate school, then I won't get any financial assistance, and I would go big bucks into debt. I can get an MBA at UCCS in one year in either homeland defense or information technology, and both of htose fields are guaranteed jobs. The catch? It would mean me going into about $10,000 in debt. I don't know that I want to take on a lot of debt, but I don't see much in the way of choice.

Life is such a pain right now...

Update of Ireland Part II

2009-02-18T21:16:00.000-08:00

Continuing my Ireland trip:

JANUARY 29--Went north from Belfast to Carrickfergus castle, one of the original points of Anglo-Cambrian-Norman invasion into Ulster. The castle is fixed up to be an obvious tourist attraction, but it's well worth it to go. Some of my facebook pictures show some intersting things, like King John on the loo. I also saw Scotland (not went), and there was a great 16th century cannon with an original Tudor Rose on it.

JANUARY 30--Traveled to Galway. Took me all day, but I did get to walk around Galway, and it is just a GORGEOUS city. It's not surprising that this city is one centered around tourism, because the old docks really aren't used that much any more. I arranged to go to the Aran Islands and down to the Burren.

JANUARY 31--Went around Galway city early and caught an amazing sunrise. Wanted to go to the City Museum, but it was closed. Went back to catch the bus to the ferry and it turns out that I missed it. So no Aran Islands. But I did have enough time to catch the Ireland bus to Clifden, the capital of the Connemara area of Ireland, and it is gorgeous! I also walked the Sky Road, which offers amazing views of Clifden, mountains, the ocean, and the whole area.

FEBRUARY 1--Took a tour in the Burren, and it confirmed why I'm pretty disappointed and disinclined towards bus tours. It was one of those "you see the really big tourist sites and you stop when we stop". Unfortunately, it was the only way for me to see County Clare. I did get this amazing walking tour where I met with one of those true Irish men. Totally memorable. I did see the Cliffs of Moher and a few other County Clare locations.

FEBRUARY 2--Hopped down to Killarney, and got to see the amazing Killarney National Park along the banks of a beautiful lake. Facebook photos here are a must. Unfortuantely, again, all of the sites were officially closed, but I did get to at least walk through the park and see Ross Castle, one of the last sites to fall to Cromwell in 1650s.

Ok, I'm getting tired. Plus, I tend to update by about as much as I update my pics on facebook.

I also have some really disturbing news, involving my future and school (nothing like my physical wellbeing), but it looks like I might be fucked on getting into graduate school. But I'll write about that when I'm less tired...

How to update?

2009-02-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

My god, I've been gone for so long and seen so many things, I have no idea how to describe everything I saw and did in Ireland. I started writing down everything when I was there, and one week produced about 30 pages in my journal, so I have no idea how to write down everything online. There's been this 25 thing going around online, and I think I'll just list 25 things about my spectacular, one thing for each day, and then four general thoughts:

January 21: Wow, I'm here, and Dublin is such a swirl of activity. Everyone is going someplace and there's so much to see and to do. Jet lag plus a pint isn't the most intelligent decision ever taken, but Dublin is a city so ALIVE. Highlight of the day: O'Connell Street and Ha'penny Bridge.

January 22: Settling into the jive of Dublin and the fast paced life. Unfortuantely, it only starts at 9 AM, and I'm an early bird, so my mornings here were spent in calm walks around the city to parks and such. The particular highlights of choice today were the national museums, that housed such treasures as the portrait of Ireland, the Tara Brooch, the Armagh Chalice, and the Bell of St. Patrick, as well as Dublin Castle. Pub of choice today=The Brazen Head, Ireland's oldest at 1157.

January 23: Sundays in Ireland are the one day where life seems to stop. Went to Phoenix Park and the Guinness Storehouse, where I got to pour my first pint out of the draught--one of my life's highest moments. My other mainstay was Kilmainhaim Gaol, where Britain placed many an Irishman and subjected him to tortures and unjust executions.

January 24: GLENDALOUGH. One of the absolute must-gos for anyone to Ireland. Absolutely beautiful place, beautiful day, and absolutely scenic. It's obvious why this was the heart of Leinster Catholicism for about 700 years. It was so great to take a slow day away from the heart of Dublin, plus I got an AMAZING fillet of haddock with exquisite chips.

January 25: NEWGRANGE. Wow wow wow. There was just something so enchanting about this place. It's a tomb over 5000 years old, held together without mortar (about 1000 years older than he pyramids of Egypt, by the way). Sleeping at the base of this great tomb, I could feel the history of the great land slipping into me, and I was overwhelmed with the magnamity of everything. Other sights: Drogheda, Battle of the Boyne site. Culinary amazingness: BEEF AND GUINNESS. Holy shit, people. That was perhaps one of the best meals of my life.

January 26: DERRY. Actually the day was mostly spent travelling, but I did get to have hobnobs for the first time, as well as one of my new loves, potato farls.

January 27: DERRY/BELFAST. Saw the sight of the Bloody Sunday massacre, as well as the Free Derry museum. Traveled back to Belfast and had a pint at the Crown Saloon. Decided that I don't like the North much...botanical gardens in Belfast are gorgeous though

January 28: GIANT'S CAUSEWAY. The best part of the north, at least that I saw. Ancient lava structures science says, but I prefer to think of it as part of Finn MacCool's bridge to Scotland. The story is so much better than the "facts"...The rural north is so much better than the cities.

Ugh, I'm sick of writing. I'll write more later.

Little time

2009-01-24T22:32:00.000-08:00

So I don't have a lot of time on my internet card, just 10 minutes for now.

Ireland so far has been, of course, wonderful. Thursday, I got in like an hour earlier, and processing at the airport was quick and easy.

Got to my room and then immediately took off for the sights of Dublin. In two days, I've seen Dublin Castle, St. Patrick's Cathedral, Dvblina, Christ-Church, St. Stephen's Green, O'Connell St., Grafton St., Trinity College, and three pubs. I was going to go to a Gaelic football game last night, but I bought the ticket thinking the game was last night, and it turned out that it was a week from yesterday (it's early Sunday here).

Today is the Guinness factory and shop, the Killimahan (that's totally spelled wrong) Gaol, and Phoenix Park. Then tomorrow, I bus my way down to Wicklow to spend the morning there, and then I'll trek over to Glendalough. Tuesday is in the area, and then Wednesday I make my way to Killkenny. Thursday=Waterford, Friday=Cork, Saturday=Killarney and the Ring of Kerry. Next Tuesday promises to be just cloudy right now, but every other day looks to have a lot of rain, and today is EXTREMELY windy.

Well, I need to check hotels in Glendalough. I'll update when I can. Hope all's great for you....

I don't impress me much

2009-01-18T17:28:00.000-08:00

Sigh, I have like 4 days before I leave for Ireland, and I have absolutely nothing ready to go. Actually, that's a little bit of a lie, because I did buy and get in the mail my An Oige membership, which I must have to get into the hostels in Ireland. They also sent me this really informative map/brochure thing that tells me what hostels are open and not.

On top of that, I have three BIG goals to finish within the next few days.

1: finish updating my lab notebook. I'm taking a multi-pronged attack right now, but I am all caught up through June 15...that's not good. I have four more sets of data in June, like 6 in July, and 5 in August. Those I have to have up-to-date by tomorrow afternoon. I then have like 3 in September, 6 in October, 2 in November, 2 in December, and 2 in January to finish.

2: finish editing my biochemistry paper. This is my easiest job.

3: finish and send off my applications to Catholic and Boulder. Boulder is almost done. I just want to finish updating my admissions essays to Boulder and that's it. Then I have to make a few changes to Catholic and that one should be ready.

That's all that's been really happening. I will post more after I get some more work done. Maybe when I scratch one of those three off my list.

Decisions, Decisions...

2009-01-14T14:16:00.000-08:00

So I hate having to make life decisions. My main problem is figuring out what will be my backup if all other backups fail. I mean, seriously, if I don't get into graduate school, what do I do with my life? Colorado Springs isn't exactly the center of American employment...

This week marks the last week at the Language lab. I have a few more hours that I'll squeeze out (at best, maybe three or four). But that won't bring me a lot of money.

I'm starting to make some kind of progress on this whole finishing lab work thing. It's looking much clearer that I have no shot in hell at getting that 20th cell line to stay alive long enough to manipulate it, so I'm going to have to tell them that I just cannot do it, and that I'll be more than happy to get everything done on my other 19 lines as time permits.

I decided not to read Aristotle yet, in part because I want to finish these few books that I have where I read a couple of chapters (they're more like collections of essays than coherent books) first, because they will take less time. Right now, I have about 200 pages left in this atrocious book (thank God I only spent .99 on it) from 1926. Part of it is the style of language which, by modern standards, is offensive, and part is the fact that there are no sources, yet the author claims direct quotation. Note to self: scientists make extremely poor writers...

I don't know how far I will get on my dolphin cross stitch over the next couple of days either, but I'm pretty sure I have no shot in hell at finishing it before I go to Ireland (in 9 DAYS!). I still don't even have all of the dolphins themselves stitched yet. Sigh.

Well, I finished with over five hours of work today, and I have probably about that much tomorrow and Friday. Saturday I'm probably going to pull an 8 hours shift or so.

Here's hoping for the best...

Parting thoughts from 2008

2009-01-11T20:10:00.000-08:00

I never really summarized my year. Sure, I did a stupid survey thing, but there have been so many changes that have happened to me in the last year, it is so hard to believe that I am where I am today because of those changes.

Really though, the most serious changes came over the past six months or so. I've been reading through my old blog and some of this one, and I'm starting to realize how naive I was with this whole lab experience thing. I mean, the warning signs were all there: it took a month to even process me as a worker in the lab, I seriously thought that I had a shot at getting published, whatever.

I think a huge part of my realization came when I did the Perfect water project. I designed the whole thing, and busted my ass on the project, but ultiamtely, everyone sort of forgot about it, and my boss told me that for financial reasons, I had to stop.

At the same time, the ascendant star of the lab's golden child ruined any chance I had at reestablishing myself. Every possible laboratory resource diverted to him.

The whole not being paid (still waiting...) thing did not incur much confidence, especially when my co-instructor had nothing but thanks and praise for my work.

While the world of tha lab was collapsing around me, I had some severe personal setbacks that, as always, are too private to reveal in such an open environment, and I will have to send it to speculation as to what these problems are. Basically, the period from July 2 to August 2, when all of this lab stuff (plus the stresses of my language lab job) was going on was probably the worst month long period in my life according to all of my personal standards. While there were a few blips outside of this period, the vast majority of my problems occurred in this period.

2008 was another period wherein my confirmation of perpetual solitude resolidified. I am not meant to marry, and the year has shown me the ever present need for me to dedicate myself to my own pursuits. Like Elizabeth, I have learned that I am strongest when I stand alone, and this year probably was the one in which I really understood why.

What has seemed ever so difficult for me, in that, looking on my past, what bothers me the most is still 2004. 2008 may have been bad, but my senior year of high school was no doubt one of my worst periods of life. In part, this was because of the always powerful mixture of hormones, perpetual rejection, and staunch isolation in order to stem the personal malice I felt because of the first two. There was a good period in early 2005 where I just stopped wanting to live, and my guess is that I was in some kind of depression. These issues have been discussed in some detail, but the problem is that I have spent the last years simply covering up many of the underlying problems that led to my despair rather than dealing with them. It, in some cases, is easier because of my maturity. Not only have the surges of teenage hormones stopped (thank the fates for that!), but I care less about what others think of me than I did before. While I require the respect of others, I am not so vain as to hope that other like me (in fact, I prefer hate and respect over love and respect).

But even over four years later, I am still haunted by the memory of Brandon. Even though I barely knew him (I actually only have one memory, and it was one of those staunch and haughty memories of mine, where I, with my nose pointed high, gloated at knowing some banal fact that made me look intelligent), the whole three months that I spent on his portrait after his death made me know this person without ever knowing him. Perhaps part of the problem is that I have always longed for some kind of encounter, despite the fact that I do not believe in an afterlife. Normally, we have memories, but my one memory is so opaque as to render any such warm thoughts useless.

I have become more serious as I have gotten older. While I can be made to laugh easily, I always consider the more serious elements of life first, and what I find most humorous is the ironic twist of life.

I don't know anymore. Sometimes it would be best, I think, to be locked away someplace....

So....now what?

2009-01-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

This is the finishing time...on so many things.

First of all, I finished watching the Tudors, season 2. Unfortuantely season 3 doesn't even start airing for another three months, so I'm going to have to wait on Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, and the beginning of Katherine Howard for another few months. Hopefully, someone will post it on youtube or something.

I have to say though, I have seen so many heads cut off....Thomas More, Cardinal John Fisher, Anne Boleyn, George Boleyn, Henry Norris, Brerrington, Smeaton (who actually was hung, drawn, and quartered).

That's not even half of what there is. Thomas Cromwell, Katherine Howard, the Seymour brothers, about 200 conspirators against Mary, and a few others still have heads that have to roll.

Second, I finished Boston College today, and I have to finish Iowa tomorrow. This week, I definitely hope to finish my two to Catholic and Boulder.

Third, I am like 70 pages away from finishing my current book, which will notch me down to 31 to read. Next on the docket: Aristotle's Ethics.

This week promises the end of my lab research (hopefully), or at least something really close to it.

Finally, it looks like I'm going to have all of my data on my biochemistry paper done.

This week also is my last week of work in the language tech center....

Sigh.

Somewhere between blah and meh

2009-01-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

I, again, am a woeful updater of sorts; one who given ample opportunity to write something, anything, chooses instead to flounder in the world. Like a flounder, floundering in the world.

Anyways, the last few days have had their share of ups and downs. Several fantastic ups, and several eh downs. I'll bitch first, methinks:

1. I have had absolutely no access to the internet after 8 PM for the last like 5 or six days. Very trying. In part because after 8 PM is the time that I use to post anything that might be private. Instead, my dad has been sleeping in the den, and the chair that he sleeps in is like right next to the computer. It has been a little irritating, because normally that doesn't bother me too much. Usually, at some point during the day, I have some time to myself in the house, but that hasn't been the case for over a week.

2. I have this bizarre lump behind my jawbone under my right earlobe. I see three possibilities:
abscess, cancer, or tumor. None of these are high on my list of things to have.

3. I now have a damn wart on my middle finger of my right hand. I guess that's what I get for using it to flip people off when I drive.

4. I have too many things to do work-wise in the next two weeks, in addition to finishing my apps for Boston College, Catholic, and Iowa. By the way, I REALLY want to go to Boston College. I doubt I'll get in, but I would LOVE going there.

Fantastical things:

1. Remember that Thomas Jefferson award I was so blase about two months ago? WELL I WON IT! WOOT! That's like $2000 that I'll be getting, plus a cool plaque, another line on my CV, and a free(ish) lunch in Boulder.

2. I now have 19 cell lines done....one to go!

3. My grad school apps are ALMOST DONE.....

4. I'm not destitute!

Reverting to old habits

2009-01-03T15:20:00.000-08:00

No, I have not purchased a book or any sewing materials; however, I have not updated this blog for such a long time, that I think it my pertinent obligation to do so at this time.

I must say that I have made some progress. I just about finished another of my four dolphins. The problem is that the cross stitch I am working on right now is like 200 x 400 stitches, and I take forever doing stitches. At best, I think I probably have about two or three thousand out of over 80,000 stitches done.

Bookwise, however, things appear to be going much better. I finished my book on the Fall of the Roman Empire about three days ago now, and then I also finished a book on the Norman Conquest two days ago. I started Mary Luke's A Crown for Elizabeth (which so far is much more about Mary Tudor than Elizabeth), and already, I must admit that I have much more sympathy for her than I ever did. I've always been amazed at Elizabeth's tenure as queen, and Mary always is treated as a failure and condemned for her purges of upper society of Protestantism.

Work looks to be winding down severely now. I think I'm going to re-run several sets of cells, as my experiments on Monday were not that great on certain sectors. Basically, however, I am now at least 95% done with my lab-work. Of course, I now just found out that the other reason that my other cells don't grow is because our protein concentrations are supposed to be double what they are in the doubled media.

Plus, I just recently confirmed my suspicions that one of the cell lines I work with contains the virus responsible for cervical and certain types of uterine, penile, and anal cancers. Wunderbar.
Well, at least if any of these pop up, I can always claim that it was from the cells that I worked with. On the other hand though, I have to assume that because I did not move up to the P2 level, that I am at least a carrier for the virus. Convenient excuse for never getting married: I can't get married because I'll give you HPV.

The great horrible thing I have not done: I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED GRAD SCHOOL STATEMENTS OF PURPOSE! GAH!

Life Quandries

2008-12-29T20:40:00.000-08:00

So I have a massive quandary on my hands. Is the original or the modified better?

In some cases, I have to say the original. I mean, come on. Wouldn't the ORIGINAL Book of Kells be better than some copy? Of course. Why? Because of the history embedded with the book, that all of those ntricate diagrams were HAND DRAWN. And because it's the only original left.

But then I've discovered Mamma Mia and ABBA over the last few days and I have the soundtrack and the Greatest Hits album. Some songs on the soundtrack are much better than the ABBA version, I think, namely Lay Your Love on Me and Does Your Mother Know. However, Pierce Brosnan is such a terrible singer and something is so damp about Mamma Mia's Money Money Money, that the original of S.O.S. and Money Money Money, I think are better.

In the end, do I side with ABBA as the generally better of the two, or do I have to side with the modern and modified Mamma Mia?

Besides that, my sister was telling me about her Mass experience last night, how different aspects of modern society are tearing apart families. The big two were abortions and homosexuality. To a great extent, I agree with the first. Abortion is completely irrational as one of those "personal choice" things. Of course the option has to be available for health purposes. No woman should be forced to die because a pregnancy has impacted her Fallopian tubes or anything like that. I don't see a logical argument for other purposes though--ethically, socially, or biologically.

However, I totally and completely disagree with the notion that homosexuality is destructive. It is if you limit your definition of "family" to married mother and father with two.5 children. Are single parent families any less of a family? I don't see how two people who willingly and openly love each other and are willing to demonstrate it under the auspices of the state or of a church are destructive to the image of family.

Here's open honesty time. There was a good period of about a year and a half where I was very vocally against homosexuality. I went so far as to say that they should be banned from breeding. As what happens normally when people are so vociferously against something, deep down, I thought that I was gay, and I was fighting something that I really did not want to be. Of course people in their teens always have these things of uncertainty, but I thought that it was one of those rare and occasional things. Like once a month you look at someone twice sort of a thing. For me, I went through periods of weeks at a time where I was noticing men, not women, twice.

There were a couple of times I did a little bit of mental exploration, imagining what it would be like to date (and of course, since I was like 16, other things) a man. I'm pretty sure I had a man-crush too, and not in the "I have a total man crush on Brett Favre because he's an amazing football player" kind of thing. That's typical male (My typical male man-crush is Usain Bolt. Holy hell, I have never seen one person so DOMINANT in a sport. Phelps had so many close calls probably decided as much by his suit as his skill.) It was more the "I cannot stop havng things pop into my head about this person".

Ok, back to point. Anyways, because I had moments of maturity, I thought about what it would be like to find someone that I would want to marry and have a family with. I of course didn't think that I couldn't get married to a man, even though 30 states had laws against it at that point. I didn't hit me until I was much older and the whole fall-out of Massachusetts reversing same-sex marriage bans happened. I remembered watching the news and seeing a map of the US showing laws. Vermont allowed civil unions, I think Connecticut passed civil unions, but Massachusetts was all alone in allowing it. So many other states were in RED showing bans on same-sex marriage.

It hit me that there are probably at least 100,000 couples who are in loving and committed relationships looking to that little green state for hope. I remembered what I thought about, and I realized that had I actually been gay, then I would have never had the opportunity to marry the person I loved.

That was sort of a wake-up call for me, to see that this way of life is not destructive at all, but nurturing and reinforcing the kind of family values that conservative groups claim to support: ones based on love and self-sacrifice.

It was one of the pivotal factors in my severance from the Catholic Church. Here was a religious body stating that they were promoting Jesus' message on earth (a message, which, despite my doubts about the existence of any deities, I fully support), when they were quieting the most important message of all. I couldn't tolerate the hypocricy of it. (My other social issues regard Church hierarchy and banning female clergy. I've developed some theological problems with it too.)

Homosexuality though was the initial break. When I was still Catholic, I stopped taking communion because I could not agree that hypocricy. Even though I placate my parents by acting Catholic, I will not placate them with last rites if some illness should befall me. I would rather shipwreck my soul in the name of what is right than to allow such injustices to continue.

What comforts me is that I finally have come to peace with all of that part of my life. Sure, for a while (probably longer than most), I thought I was gay. It turns out, I'm not. (I'm pretty sure I'm not straight either...I really cannot picture the whole marriage and love thing for me. I don't really have sexual leanings towards anyone at this point in my life...so, then I'm like a bacterium). What is better is that I'm willing to take such a stand that I know is right legally and morally.

So guess what? Homosexuality does not destroy families, nor does the expression of homosexual love. So there.

Besides that, quests in reading, langauges, work, fnding jobs, applying to grad schools, and sewing continue....

Back to old habits?

2008-12-28T18:10:00.000-08:00

Ugh, this month I was doing so good with my updating, and now, I am not. That sucks.

So, I ate the whole being screwed over by my job thing. I figured that 1143 is better than nada, and I can use it for Ireland. I spent about E450 in cash when I was in Germany for that one week, and I put about E350 on my credit card, so between the intesne amount of work that I've worked over the last two weeks plus the amount I intend to work over the next two weeks, I should be financially covered. I still have over $4000 in bonds, just in case.

I found a receptionist job at an Alzheimer's facility to apply for, but given that the vast majority of receptionists are women, I seriously doubt that the fact that I'm a male is going to play in my favor. So I'll keep looking, with not much hope. I definitely am going to have to get into a graduate school program someplace, or else I'll be pulling minimum wage. What really sucks is that about half of the jobs I am finding are sales positions, and I am so terrible at sales, I couldn't do it.

I did find positions open at my local commissary for like $8.76 an hour, which would be a $.50 cut basically.

I think that it would behoove me to take a medical transcriptionist course. It would cost me like $240, I think.

No matter what, my options look heavily strained.

My Colorado State Application is almost done. I'm going to search frantically for professors tomorrow who can send recommendations for me (stupid to wait for the last minute, I know). I have one person who can attest to my lab work, and then I would need one more person...hmm.

I have made two New Year's Resolutions that I find critical to saving money:

NO BUYING ANY MORE SEWING OR BOOKS UNTIL I FINISH ALL THE ONES I HAVE! The only acceptable exceptions are when I go to Ireland.

MUST SAVE AT LEAST $5000 BY THE END OF THE YEAR. That's $400 a month, and I can do it. I have to do it.

I'm beaten

2008-12-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

They won. I can't fight them anymore. All I can do is everything I can to get done as soon as possible so that I can tender my resignation.

By tomorrow, I will be done experimenting with my 18th cell line, and I should have another two analyzed. I'll have one updated in my labnotebook.

I hate this season, I hate what they've done to me, and I hate that I can't do anything about it.

The bizarre, the upsetting, the rude

2008-12-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

Bizarre: Utah (WHAT?) is the fastest growing state. I know Mormons have babies, but I didn't know people were really flocking to Utah.

The Upsetting: Know how I was promised $2000 for the course I taught? I definitely am going to get about half of that amount. Fucking A. I mean, seriously. If you were promised something and then you got half of it after you were done, you would be pissed too, right?

My progress towards leaving the lab is not so great. I only have like 296 more samples to run, and I'll have 96 of those on Wednesday, but the whole lab notebook and the whole analyze data thing isn't so hot. Fuck. Just as I was getting the mojo together to leave, it looks like it will definitely take me until I leave for Ireland to quit.

The rude: man, those people at UCCS offices are rude. Dude, I graduated. I'm not giving money to this schoool at this rate. I'll keep it for myself.

Grad Schools, Part I

2008-12-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was terribly stupid in NOT starting grad school apps earlier than I did....which was Thursday night at 11:30 PM.

Basically, I'm starting to think I'm not going to get in anywhere.

I did get GRE scores sent to MIP program at CSU and the Classics program at CU-Boulder, so that's cool. I'm sending off all of my transcript requests for both schools tomorrow, then all of my requests for Iowa, Catholic, and Boston College on Tuesday (speaking of which, I need to get GRE scores out there too....). So that should take care of the official stuff. Tomorrow night after work, I'm going to submit all of my applications for those universities.

That would leave securing applications and writing personal statements. I get a good idea of what I would say for medieval, classics, and Irish studies programs, so that's good. I think I need to look for one more science oriented program, in case I do not get in at CSU.

Enraged

2008-12-20T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am totally and completely furious right now. As in, my hair is on FIRE angry. As in, I must repress the urge to break dishes angry.

So I come into the lab to work and set up some cells, whatever. I get here, and there's a manilla envelope waiting for me. I think it's work that Dr. Wolkow (check my other blog for details on him. Try around May 2007.) needs me to do for him, because Ray has doormat written all over him. It's not. It's my pay information for the methods course. Dated, conveniently, August 24. WHY AM I GETTING THESE THINGS FOUR MONTHS LATE????

On top of that, the document they want me to sign says that I'm going to get $1144 for my work. HELL NO. I was promised $2000, and I am not taking an over 800 dollar cut without some kind of explanation as to why they want me to sign these documents after the semester is over, why I'm getting a deduction, and why I did not get this information until after the semester is over.

Anyways, it has provided me the motivation I need to finish working in this lab. I'm going to finish cell line #18 on Wednesday, and by Christmas, I should be seriously caught up on writing in my lab notebook on at least 5 more cell lines. Because of how I set my system up, I really don't have to write a hell of a lot for each experiment that I did.

To calm myself down, I'm going to do one of those year in review things:

What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? 
Had crazy rampant and random sex? Hmm...not quite.
I did however consume actual alcohol for the first time
I also voted for the first time

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
I made four big ones. The first one totally blew up, however, I keep trying. The second one looks promising (straight A's), the third one was a go (graduating), and the fourth one was supposed to happen (saving $3000), but didn't because of how extensively I've been fucked over by this lab.

Did anyone close to you give birth? 
Yep, my friend Stacie gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a week ago today

Did anyone close to you die? 
Not really. My grandfather died, but due to his dementia, I kind of saw the grandpa I knew as dead already. I frankly was more bothered by Brandon dying (it's like four years now, and it still bothers me really badly) than I was by him dying.

What countries did you visit? 
Germany, England, and Austria

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Appropriate pay?

What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
March 21. Personal reasons.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
Hello? WRITING TWO THESES!!!!

What was your biggest failure? 
March 21.

Did you suffer illness or injury? 
Yes, I had this massive flu at the beginning of the year, a cold over summer, and then these weird day sicknesses on graduation and my 21st. No serious injury.

What was the best thing you bought?
Hmm......I dunno. Plane ticket to Ireland?

Whose behavior merited celebration? 
Stacie definitely, having worked so hard, and gotten screwed over by her asshole of an ex.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 
Mine. My lab's.

Where did most of your money go? 
Alcohol, Coffee, Germany

What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Getting all of these 'great' things, job offers, 'raises' 'pay' etc.

What song will always remind you of 2008? 
Angels, by Within Temptation

Compared to this time last year, are you:
 i. happier or sadder? Sadder
 ii. thinner or fatter? About 15 pounds thinner
 iii. richer or poorer? MUCH POORER

What do you wish you'd done more of? 
Work on my languages, applying to grad schools BEFORE deadlines....

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Letting people walk all over me like a door mat.

How will you be spending Christmas? 
At home, working on lab stuff so I can get the hell out of here sooner.

Who did you spend the most time on the phone with in 2008? 
I dunno, I hate telephones.

Did you fall in love in 2008? 
No, actually, I became really entrenched in the whole "I hate people" thing.

How many one-night stands? 
Oh, probably three or four hundred.

What was your favorite TV program? 
I watched basically no TV this year, except football.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? 
Yes. The EVIL EMPEROR.

What was the best book you read? 
Dood, I really did not get to read much pleasure reading, so probably one of my Irish history books.

What was your greatest musical discovery? 
Within Temptation

What did you want and get? 
A job

What did you want and not get?
PAY FOR MY JOB

What was your favorite film of this year? 
I saw, literally, no movies this year.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
I turned 21, but was ragingly ill that day. I went to class from 10:50-1:30, I worked from 7:00 AM-10:50 AM and 1:40-6:00 PM, and then I went home and went to sleep until about 10:45, got water, and went back to bed.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
I seriously cannot emphasize this enough. GETTING PAID

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? 
Who loves long sleeves? RAY!

What kept you sane? 
Lots of swearing

What celebrity/figure did you fancy the most? 
I hate celebtiries. Go to hell famous people!

What political issue stirred you the most? 
The primary season. I knew the dems were going to win, so general election was all meh.

Who did you miss? 
Pshah. I have to say Maricor, because she's the only person who reads this.

Who was the best new person you met? 
I really didn't meet anyone new. Hmm.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: 
There's a reason why people need to keep their pants ON. Well, I've always known that, but this year showed me that if there's one thing this society needs, it's less reproductive energy.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. 

Sparkling angel, I believe, you were my savior in my time of need. Blinded by faith, I couldn't see, all the whispers, the warnings so clear.

Wirklich? Ray hat seinen BS und BA?

2008-12-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

JA!

So I graduated today. Unfortunately, I was sick. Boo.

Interesting tidbit. I went through all of the names for people who graduated this semester in my college. Grand total of like 11 or 12 summa cum laudes. I was the ONLY BS Biology summa, the ONLY BA Philosophy summa, and one of three historians. Apparently, the history people are really smart, because we had the most summas. But yeah, two of us accounted for five of the twelve summas graduating.

The nice thing is, graduation took like 2 hours.

So yea, now I'm Raymond Schultz, B.S., B.A., and total BADASS.

PLUS, I started on graduate school applications. My apps to Colorado State are already almost done. Fortunately, they do NOT require an original GRE score (they let me copy my grade report). I just need to hunt down my recommenders and write a statement.

Next on the docket will be CU-Boulder, followed promptly by Iowa, Connecticut (?), Boston College, and someplace else?

I started Irish this week, and I think I've gotten the verb "ta" down. I have broad and slender pronunciations down for maybe three consonants (not good...).

I also am reattempting my fascination with Latin---Bis das, si cito das.
Not that it's terribly hard.

I need to work on more French, German, and Greek too. I don't know how people like the pope do it, speaking like 14 languages or whatever. Everytime I try to focus on one of them, I lose focus on my other 5. I probably should brush up on Spanish too...

Irritated

2008-12-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that I am FINALLY done with school, I still find myself incredibly resentful over my experiences this last semester. In part, because of how stifling it really was. I mean, I only took 16 hours this semester (my least EVER), and I was by far more stressed over the last four months than I ever have been with school. History of Medicine, while an incredibly insightful class, was pure overkill. My thesis was beautiful, except for a couple of parts where I couldn't find any poetry to fill in my primary source gaps.

I have definitely found my care for the science world sucked out after this semester. I mean, really. If you took on all of these jobs with as many promises as were made to me, and then you get absolutely none of them, would you want to stay in the field? I've been told so many times not to gneralize my experience at this university to science as a whole, but I have found science to be suffocating here. In part, because the department does not have enough people to teach. But the other part is that they are satisfied with passing off substandard students with the same degree that I frankly busted my ass for.

Basically, over the last two semesters, I've been fucked over by NOT getting:

A degree that conveys any sense of respect
Over $3000 in pay
Trips to conferences that were promised to me
Publications, also promised to me (at least in biology, my chemistry professor needs it and has worked so much with me...for her I am quite thankful).

Why have I put so much work into all of this? To be screwed over so easily....

On the other hand, I feel like I've gotten a certain sense of recognition for my work in history and philosophy, and those departments actually appreciated my contributions to course work that were even scientifically oriented. With my langauge background, I'm quite satisfied in this land.

Seriously though, compare my transcript records in the fields. In biology, I've taken over 35 hours, chemistry 25, Spanish 15, French 11, German 4, Greek 4, Latin 4, History 18, Philosophy 30.

I feel like I've worked this hard for NOTHING. There has been no reward whatsoever for my dedication and my tiring efforts. What happened to the whole "if you try as hard as hell and do your best, you get rewarded?" I don't know. I've found that instead of recognition, I've gotten scorn.

It's kind of weird, because my out an email inviting everyone to a lunch that the lab (aka, me) pays for. I think I mentioned this...but actually, I would PREFER to go to my graduation over going to this lunch. I never thought I would ever say that I want to go to a graduation over anything...

Today was a slight measure of progress. I expanded my cell lines so that I have multiple flasks of cells. I'm going to let them grow a couple of days before I expand some more. I think I'm going to spend some time tomrrow getting caught up on my lab notebook and some of my data analysis so that way I can just LEAVE whenever I go to Ireland. I do NOT want to be attached to that lab come January 22. I think I can be caught up by then, but one never knows about these things.

Sigh, if that's the case, then I have 35 days left, more or less.

TIME TO START GRAD SCHOOL APPS!

Ich bin fertig!

2008-12-15T17:03:00.000-08:00

Well...almost. I have an almost draft of my final exam done, just one conclusive paragraph to write. My final exam's length? 17 pages. So, on my three tests this semester, I wrote 11, 13, and 17 pages, single spaced, which kind of equals 41 single *2= 82. Then on top of that, I have 9 pages on an Arrowsmith essay (91) and 11 on Avicenna (102), plus like 12 for in-class work (114). I have NEVER written so much for one class and gotten so little recognition for it ever.

How irritating. How frustrating. How argh.

Well, tonight I still have to edit the damn thing, and I'm not so sure about it still. I'm pretty sure having written that much, I'll guarantee myself at least an A- (I only need like a 76% on the final to get an A, and I think I got at least that much...). Worst case scenario, I get a B+ (66% on the final, I have no idea how I would get that low with this much writing!). Realistically speaking, I'll probably get an A- in the course, which would be my first.

Right now, it's pretty clear that I got A's in German and Greek, so my semester cannot possibly drop below 2.0, since those two classes comprised half of my total course load. My best guess is that with 2 A-'s (history of medicine and piano), my GPA becomes a 3.925 for semester (not terrible, but could always be better), and then my overall one for all of college becomes a 3.993. Whatever.

So, I'm going to need at least an hour break from this paper before I can start reading it. It looks like tonight's going to be a late one.......

I HATE COMPUTERS

2008-12-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

So, I am almost up to three pages (single spaced, of course), on my long essay for my history of medicine final. This puts me at....14 pages single so far? I can tell that by the time I'm done with this, it's going to easily be 20 pages long.

Why I hate computers is that first, I wrote this nice long paragraph on Samuel Thompson and his metaphor of the digestive system as a stove, and then I went to change a song on my laptop. The music control button is right next to ALT and then the button to change the song is right above F4. We see where this is going. So I go to change the song and then I sneeze and shut off my word document. Basically, that sucked. I lost about half a page that I'm going to re-write before going to bed....maybe?

The other reason I hate computers: DISTRACTIONS! I mean, on the one hand, you have the internet, which is the spawn of Satan because it is a constant distraction among youtube, blogs, news sources, and whatever I want. My laptop fortunately has no internet access, I mean, I totally obliterated any chance of hooking it up to the internet short of stuffing the jack with clay. Unfortunately, it has games on it, like your solitare variety (must delete those...), and then I have a couple of medieval war and star trek games that I need to deinstall on there. Basically, I need to turn it into my document writer and that's it.

On top of all of these issues, I still have all of my job issues. I figured out that between the whole not getting paid to teach and the not getting paid the level I'm supposed to be paid, I was gyped out of about $2850 this semester, and I don't have the balls to bitch. In my panicked post earlier, my boss wrote to me about getting paid...it was this weird mess of things that just make me angry to think about. Anyways, someone else had to tell her that I'm not being paid, and when she brought it up in the email, I totally ignored that part.

I got this cryptic part where they wanted me to set up an appointment to turn everything in, but it turned out to be a miscommunication somewhere (I'm telling you, it's not from me....) and now I've got til Jan 21 to finish as much of my work as I can. After I get back from Ireland, they're promising me 10 hours a week...while the members of the evil empire still get 40. If I can get a job lined up for the day I get back from Ireland, then I'll tell them that I'll stay till Jan 21 and then I'm gone. That's essentially more than fair, right? After getting screwed out of that much money, my heart really is not into making that lab a better place. If they want me to organize things or to do non-science work, I'm ok with that, but science fucked me like a sick monkey, and I really don't want to do anything that might make the lab look better.

So tomorrow, I'm going to go to the lab, thaw my three cell lines, and set up as much crap as I can to be done with the lab by then. For example, I'm going to label all of my flow tubes for the next couple of weeks, make loads of media, etc. That'll probably be all I do tomorrow because of this goddamn final, but then come Tuesday-Thursday, I'll be pounding the cells as much as I can, proliferating them, and experimenting on them from Sunday to Thursday. Then, between Dec 26 and Jan 21, it's massive analysis time, rampant lab-notebook catch-up time, and then turn everything in time. Again, my hope is that come Feb 13, I have a job lined up that will pay me more than $90 a week.

So my guess right now is that I'm screwed.

On really cool news, I jsut found sheet music to Nightwish for piano, which is totally exciting. Even though it looks hard, I'm going to have to try it out...

Desperately trying...

2008-12-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I've had the whole last two days to work on my history of medicine final, and right now, all I can show for it is a little more than a page single spaced. Shit. However, I promise to you all, my ever so faithful readers, that I will have at least 3 pages done tonight, including everything on the whole "body as a permeable sac" thing.

I despise this whole final exam thing the week of graduation. I also really despise how my sister is at home happily baking cookies while I'm stewing over what the hell I'm supposed to write.

On the good news front, I've guaranteed myself my job in the lab next semester, but only for 10 hours a week (apparently, they don't have the funds...? Maybe that's why I've never been paid?). That does mean that I need another job, probably one on campus. I don't think my parents will be thrilled with me living in their house making 90 something dollars a week....

I forgot to include...I think...that I'm really excited to clean up my room and get rid of crap that I don't need anymore, which means another round of things to donate to Goodwill. This will ultimately include a nice number of overly religious items I bought in my whole "I want to be a priest" phase. Unfortunately, I did not catch a case of iconoclasty with that....

So, basically I have like 36 hours to finish this final? 16 of which I'll definitely be asleep...so 20. I'll be working for probably 10, so basically I have 10 hours to do my final. Maybe I should work on it more?

SO CLOSE!!!

2008-12-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

I have no finished all except one of my classes....and, of course, it's history of medicine that is still hanging around my neck. I finished the two paragraph papers and the two short essay responses (still have to edit them...). Now, all that's left for me to do is the massively long paper on metaphors. I do have some self-plagiarizing that I am going to be doing here, but not enough to significantly decrease my load.

My guess? Long essay will probably be between 8 and 10 pages single spaced. It's worth 15% of my grade, so that sucks. Basically though, I figure I'll probably get a good 48/50 on the first half of the test, so I only need to get like an 80% on the second half and my A holds. A 50% holds me to at least an A-, and while I don't really want an A- after how much I've put into this course, I don't want to kill myself doing this last essay.

I am so tired.

However, in 5 days, I'm done. Graduated, woot, whatever.

So going back to my job, which will probably be gone. I decided that I'm going to go into the lab to finish my work when my boss isn't around, so that way I can get a hell of a lot done, a hell of a lot of pay, and avoid the whole "you're fired" business. The day they do fire me is the day I demand my $2,000 instantaneously. I have 3 cell lines, a ton of analysis, and almost all of my lab notes to re-write. Whatever.

These are the top ten things I'm looking forward to after Friday:

1. Starting Gaelic
2. Going to Ireland
3. Watching Pride and Prejudice
4. Finding a decent paying job
5. Quitting my not-decent paying job
6. Applying to grad schools
7. Getting into grad schools
8. Saving a ton of money
9. Getting published
10. Doing my independent work in French, German, Gaelic, Greek, and Latin

I'll post again as soon as I FINISH my History of Medicine FINAL.

Schisse

2008-12-11T07:46:00.000-08:00

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit...............

Apparently, my ranting and raving about not getting paid has made its way to my boss.......

I'm so fucked. Must hide for the next week in the language lab, work in this lab on weekends, nights, anytime boss will not be around until my ass gets fired.

SHIT!!!!!!!!

8 down, 8 to go....

2008-12-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

So I am now done with 8 credits, and I have 8 to go...

What sucketh the most is that I have so MUCH GDF History of Medicine to go. Seriously, people. This is like too much at finals time. I wish the prof would tell me that I don't have to answer one of the questions on the final or something for doing the paper. Or better yet, maybe I can convince her to let me take 10% out of my final grade rather than my portfolio grade. If so, I would not have to work near as much. But, whatever.

So the rest of the week looks like this:

Tonight: Finish Avicenna paper, make up some stuff for presentation tomorrow
Tuesday: Listen to science papers I don't care about, give said presentation, sit through German, work on long essay for history of medicine final
Wednesday: Work, FINISH history of medicine final
Thursday: Listen to more science papers that I don't care about, sit through History of Medicine final review that I won't need (i.e., editing time), sit through ONE LAST GERMAN CLASS, edit HoM final, study for German final, study for piano final
Friday: take German final, take piano final.

Schize, folks, that's just so that I can be done with this semester this week instead of next.

Ok, enough bitching, time to start editing yet another paper....

DONE, PEOPLE

2008-12-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

I did it. Last night, I mustered every ounce of motivation that I had left in my body, and I finished my thesis. It's done people. Well, knowing me, I'm going to take one more glance at the formatting, to make sure I got it all right, but other than that, I'm done. I went through my customary three drafts of thesis work, and it looks gorgeous. Of course, I went way over the limits that were placed on it. The original length was supposed to be 25-30 pages...and Ray wrote...67. Hmm.

So, on my three largest papers in my three and a half years in college, I wrote a grand total of:
101+74+67 pages. That's just the big three. I think I've written at least 40 pages in History of Medicine this semester, and I still have the take home final to do. Not to mention that I still have to actually finish my paper for that course by tomorrow morning (two edits coming...) and actually have some kind of presentation in mind. Damn.

But, Tuesday represents transition point of this finals period. Today and tomorrow morning's focus has to be on my Avicenna paper and my Greek final, unfortunately, in that order. Once those two things are done, the rest of the week gets devoted to the History of Medicine final exam, which was just posted online like 8 hours ago (does my professor sleep?), my German final, and my piano final. I really would like these things to be done before Saturday, because I WANT TO BE DONE.

That's really the only thing motivating me right now-the fact that I am SO close to being done, and that all I need to do is just push a little harder, and I'll be done. Right now, I care a lot less about grades than I do about just surviving.

As is customary, I must indulge you all with the bare minimums that I need to get A's in my classes, because I'm a grade obsessed whore.

Greek=34%
History of Medicine=89.3% (WHAT? I've worked my ass off all semester in this class and this is all I can slack?)
German=81%
Piano=85%

Doods, that sucks.

What sucks more is that I think I'm coming down with some kind of nasty infection. I mean, seriously, body. I've managed to fight off everything that came around for the last 14 weeks, and now, all of a sudden, my body says "too bad, Ray, you're screwed this week. Immune system is going on vacation early." Whatever.

I really want some fruit right now....

Motivation gone!

2008-12-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

Crap. I have absolutely no motivation to work today. AND I'M SO CLOSE TO DONE!!!
ARGH!

Senioritis sucks. I have only 5 more days to go, I need to get riled up, not slowing down. Ugh. I hate this.

Whatever, I'll at least comment that I have made some progress today--I finished off studying for Greek, I've got times down (dative for on X day, or within x Days; accusative for duration), I've got my tis words and my pas words down.

I also have practiced Sonatina an inordinate number of times today, along with Carol of the Bells, Deck the Halls, and America. The thing is that we have to count out loud, and while I can play This Land better than America, I quit counting on the first piece, because I play faster than I can count.

I NEED TO WORK ON MY THESIS MORE. But, I can't. I'm so unmotivated.... Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.