I really need a friend right now.

It's weird, I post facebook messages saying how I really feel crappy, and I get sort of blase responses.

I have a lot to say about the last few weeks, but it's all on my laptop right now, so it'll be a retrospective.

I've applied for 40 jobs and have heard nothing. I'm starting to lose faith in my ability to do work.

I had dinner with Thom the other night and realized I still have serious feelings for him. This last month has only made them stronger. At it really hurts me that he isn't interested in me. I mean, I should have seen the signs a long time ago, he never initiates contact with me--I always have to call or email him first. He doesn't hug me when we meet.

This has been the story of my life, really. I get guys who are drunks or married interested in me all the time. But when someone decent comes along, someone who has a shred of intelligence, there's this wall I can't breach.

It really feels like God's torturing me, putting something that I realize I really want n front of my face, only to give me "I'm not ready".

For the one time in my life when I desperately don't want to be alone, I find myself so alone in this dark world. What happened?

I mean, he's really nice and gorgeous to me. I don't really know what he meant by "I'm not ready right now". I have so many questions, and I want answers.

I'm telling my parents I'm a homo on Saturday. Suffice it to say, I've been looking for places to go when, in all likelihood, my dad throws me out of the house.

I just cried, seriously, for the first time in about 10 years. I think I'm falling for him, and it really hurts me so much that I keep falling for these guys who are so uninterested in me. What is it about me that rubs people the wrong way?